One of my goals for this year was to write at least once a week on my blog so that by year end I would have 52 posts and a pretty good chronicle of my year. 2017 promises to be a year for me- everything is coming up Effie- and I want to make sure to document this. Something about the first month of the year already feels different. I feel stronger, more sure of myself. I am excited to be going to the gym and taking care of myself(with the exception of the last couple days), which is a new feeling. I think I finally found the motivation I need, something inside seems to have shifted from "ugh, this is something that I have to do," to "this is something good for me so I will find joy in it." I can see myself getting healthy and I want to pursue that vision as something that will make my life better, not as something that feels like a cultural expectation. I'm particularly happy with this development.
One of my other goals, one of the major ones, has been to find happiness and contentment in my day to day existence. Learn how to be excited for the future and still be fulfilled by where I currently am in life. I can say that this too has been going better than I expected, and for that I am thankful. With the beginning of the year, on literal day one, I found my inspiration and I sensed a shift in my attitude as well as a shedding of the things that had been weighing me down in the last weeks of 2016. I am still deeply saddened by my recent separation, and I am still nervous for what the future may hold as far as when I will finish school or be able to return to Florida, but somehow I am able to push through those dark thoughts to seek a greater happiness. Now there have been a couple of days that were overwhelming, I won't lie and say it's all been peaches and cream, but they seem less consuming overall than I have experienced in the past. It's important for me to be able to take over my life, because something I realized recently through one of my outlets is that I don't feel in control often enough. And yes, while I believe the Universe has ultimate control over outcomes, I also think that we guide those outcomes to reality. So to take ownership of my choices, of my attitude, gives me control in my life that I was previously brushing off.
"Well if it was going to happen anyway, then I guess I have to be upset about it."
I refuse to be a slave to the feelings of despair and hopelessness that I have previously fallen victim to. I know that I have a real medical issue, one that comes from a lack of the proper chemicals in my brain. I know that I can't always just flip a switch and make it all better, but I can take responsibility for my actions and attitude. I don't have to wallow, I don't have to be 100% sunshine either. I have given myself permission to feel my feelings, whatever they may be, and then move forward trusting that the Universe remains in power.
I touched on it before, but I want to pursue the vision of myself that I keep in my mind. Not the one the world says I need to be, not the one that might be expected of me from the cultural norms, but the one that makes me smile and think, "Now that is how I imagine my life to be." Currently, that vision includes returning to Disney and following that dream. It means losing some weight so that I feel healthier in my own skin. I envision someone who walks through her days thankful for everything she has traversed knowing that it has all brought her to this one moment.
I have come to really appreciate the days that I can take to come write at Smokey Row. The chance to sit and relax has been healing in ways I didn't expect. I knew that I was a pretty good writer, I have always enjoyed writing stories about myself or papers in school, but I haven't pursued it with much vigor. I find now that I have committed to once a week, I can't wait for the chance to come here. I like getting out of the house and being part of this environment. I feel creative and free, as though I'm satisfying some thirst in my soul that I didn't know existed.
I'm very excited to see where this year takes me, I'm so looking forward to my life.
The tunnel has been long and dark, the light at the end has been dimmed and blackened out several times, and now I am finally on the other side. Many years of pain and hurt I think can finally be set behind me in a positive way. As we walk the paths of our lives we come to many tunnels, and hopefully many more trails in the open air. It's not one long fight through the darkness, though it may seem that way at times. I choose my outcomes, I choose my reality, I will make my life what I want it to be. So I am choosing to see myself on the other side of this long tunnel. There's no reason why I still have to be in it, or why I should be "almost there" instead of "been there, done that." I am feeling the freedom of walking in the sunshine, enjoying the fresh air, and stopping to smell the peonies on the side of the road.
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