It seems like every 4-6 months I have this itch to do something different. Sometimes it's satisfied with a shopping spree, or a change of hair color, but the only thing that really makes it go away is getting a new tattoo. I've explained away the feeling as an addiction to the needle, or as my "gypsy soul" making another appearance, but recently I had a significant realization: this feeling, this itch seems to become more pronounced when I am feeling out of control of my surroundings. When I am not happy with myself as a person, when I am not happy with the situation I am in, when I am perceiving myself to be stuck. Sure, the first couple were purely because I wanted them and I could and it was new, but since that time, every single one has been prefaced by the words, "ugh, I'm bored. Let's got get a tattoo." Which isn't the worst excuse in the world, when my alternatives would be wallowing or depression, and every tattoo has meaning for me. It's not like I'm going and getting burning skulls and upside down crosses on my body, but they are mostly marks of times of distress.
So I have 10 tattoos, and I have several that I want to get touched up before I get any new ones(look at me being responsible, ma!), and yesterday I had the money so I went to Color Works at Valley West Mall and had a little work done. The whole process is thrilling for me: the butterflies in the stomach, the laying on the table, the sting of the needle, riding the adrenaline high, walking away with something new and physical and changed. Now don't get me wrong, tattoos are not a walk in the park. I have several that hurt quite a bit, but as I was getting work done on my semi-colon yesterday, I was so relaxed in the chair, laying there looking up at the ceiling, hearing the buzz of the machine next to me, and I realized something else: this is almost like therapy for me. As I drove home and felt that familiar stinging feeling on my arms, like I had a bad sunburn, a smile drew across my lips. Maybe I'm an adrenaline junkie in small doses, but maybe I have an urge to be in control of a life that seems so out of my hands more often than not.
I find myself thinking about my urge to return to Disney. Is it possible that this thing that has plagued my thoughts, driven my life forward every day since I left, something that isn't good for me? Is it something that is unhealthy and depriving me of real happiness? I had heard of "Disney depression" before I left for my program, and vowed not to be one of those people who fell victim to it, and while I wouldn't say I'm depressed that I'm not there, I recognize that a great weight is on me. How could it be that the thing that brought me such fulfillment then, and promises to again, could be something toxic? I'm scared. I'm worried. I am nervous that I am seeing past all of the good I have here to find it elsewhere. Am I being childish? Am I being selfish? Am I not thinking logically? Surely there are people everywhere who want to return to Disney to pursue a career following their college program. I can't possibly be alone in this. But am I obsessed? I don't want to spend months and months pursuing something I should just let go, but then again- if it keeps showing up, then maybe it's not a waste of my time.
I'm looking for synchronicities, I'm looking for signs. Everything happens for a reason, and I am supposed to be here in Iowa right now, no matter how much it hurts or feels wrong. I wish I had the book of my life at my finger tips, a physical copy that I could page through. Maybe I don't really need to know the ending, but just an instruction manual. Something that tells me how to read myself and the situation, something that makes the options clear. I wish there was a counselor for this kind of thing.
As I unscramble my thoughts and work through the path, I hope to find answers. I want happiness and I am worried that a big part of Disney for me actually turned out to be Steve. Am I longing to return in hopes of a second chance? I don't think so. Could I work in the parking lot again knowing he's there? Maybe. All I'm asking the universe for is a chance to find out.
As my artist said, "All you need is gas to get there."
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