I don't know when exactly I discovered writing as a hobby, but I know that since that time I have adored it. I know that over the years I have developed my voice and that it truly is a cathartic experience for me. If I have a problem, I can write about it and it helps me to work through the thousand thoughts in my brain. If I want to celebrate something, it allows me to relive that moment over and over. The majority of my writing is for me- this right here is my own personal blog. Very few people have the link, I don't share it often. The thoughts and writings here are very much like my own personal diary, and because of that, I write freely. I say things I wouldn't say out loud, and I tell secrets to the big empty internet. I have found on more than one occasion that I will write extensively about a thing that is bothering me, and then I find relief. I find peace and suddenly that thing is no longer taking up so much of my brain space.
This has appeared to have happened with the Disney issue, and I am truly surprised. Where did this intense feeling to return go?
Maybe it's because I've thrown myself into really, ACTUALLY working out and being healthy and learning everything about those things that will help me to make big changes. Maybe my focus has been so into THAT that the rest has fallen by the wayside. But when I take a moment to think about how I feel and what I'm missing, I'm not so broken anymore. I feel more at ease with not being there. So then maybe it's because I'm almost done with my summer classes, and once I'm done with these, then I only have TWO semesters left in school total, plus an internship next summer. Maybe the idea of finally being able to say, "I did it," is taking up some of that space that the other stuff was.
Perhaps it's a little bit of everything. A little bit of time, a little bit of healing, and a little bit of shifting my focus, but I don't feel so sad anymore. I still miss my animals- I really hate not getting to see my tiger cubs grow up- and I still miss my friends. But I think maybe taking the time to write down what I missed about that place, and breaking it down into solvable issues helped me to see that I was being a little irrational. I CAN make a difference where I am, in whatever job I hold. And I CAN visit Disney whenever I want. Perhaps being so far from home just isn't something I can do, and that's okay.
Another thing that occurred to me the other day is that I want to live alone before I am in a serious relationship with someone (marriage kind of thing). I want to have the experience of living completely alone, by myself, in my own solitude. And that is something I will not be able to do if I move back to Florida. Housing is just too expensive, and unless you have a high paying job (i.e. NOT Disney), then you need roommates. I am ready to branch out and have my own place, and I won't have time or money for that if I go back. This is an important enough step for me that it does make a difference in how I see that journey.
Finally, I know that there are so many things I want to do and try in my life.
I would like to try owning my own business.
I want to run a non-profit.
I want to travel the world.
I want to work in conservation.
I want to work with and for animals.
I want to work in nature, and educate the public.
I want to plan events and see big projects come to fruition.
These are only a few things, and I know that if I spend any more time wandering around Disney, even if I am kind of happy there, I will be wasting time that I could be accomplishing these goals and dreams.
I don't ever want to feel like I was stuck, or like I was burdened by that place. I had two amazing college programs and I learned so much about myself during both of them. I can see an Annual Pass in my future. I can see frequent visits and numerous pictures in front of that castle, but I think maybe, at least for now, my time really is over there. And for the first time since I decided not to extend my program in the summer of 2016, I feel content with that idea.
So, where did it go? That desire to return? I don't think it went anywhere, instead I think it just has molded into something different. I think now it appears as my drive and my passion to make change and to be happy. To chase my dreams, whether they are in my backyard or halfway around the world. I will forever be grateful for the time I spent with Disney, and it still thrills me to know that MY name is in the books forever, part of that legacy bigger than any of us. Now, it's my turn to take the little bit of magic that was granted to me, and to try and grow it and make it bigger once more.
