So here I am at 11:30 on a Sunday night, two weeks before the end of the semester trying to figure out if I can possibly pay off my U-Bill so I can schedule for classes in the Spring. That sounds about right, hmm?
It's my downfall. It's the thing that kills me every time. I procrastinate, I push it off. I forget and pretend the thing isn't ever-lingering. I have this problem where I wait until the last possible moment to try to fix a problem and then I get frustrated when it doesn't turn out how I wanted.
I'm preparing to hear from my advisor that there's nothing to be done. That I have to sit out this extra semester. Three weeks ago that was fine with me. I was okay with taking the time off. Now, though, I feel anxious. Noah has asked me to talk to Pat and to visit the financial aid office, and now that that little idea is in my head, that maybe I wouldn't have to wait out a whole semester because of my financial aid being adjusted, I can't stop thinking about being back on campus. I'm so ready to go back and I didn't really realize it until this idea was planted. The time off has been great- it's been exactly what I needed. I have needed this time to get my head straight. To take care of myself, to work a little, and to just enjoy some free time. But it's time that I go back. I don't want to sit here waiting anymore. I don't want to feel like I don't have a purpose, like I'm just screwing around while everyone else is working towards something.
I'm worried that Noah has seen this in me. I'm worried that he has all of these plans to go abroad and to live and to explore- not because I could lose him. No. I want him to do those things. Honestly and truly, I want him to have those amazing experiences. I read a quote a few days ago that kind of hit me. It talked about dreams, and how there are people who will talk about their dreams and make 'inspiration boards', and then there are people who work for their dreams day in and day out. Can you guess which people reach their goals? What scares me is that I am the former and Noah is the latter. I talk and I dream, but I don't achieve. He has achieved so much already and I know he's going to do and see great things. I love him, but I'm so scared that I won't be able to keep up. I'm even more afraid that he's going to realize the person I am and leave me behind.
Anyway, I don't know what news the next few days will bring but I guess I'm preparing for disappointment because of my actions rather than a strike of luck. Whatever happens, happens. If I have to sit out a whole extra semester, there has to be a reason, or I'll find it. I can't sit and mope. One thing is for sure, 6 months without Noah would be easier to deal with if I had school to keep me busy. But that's not the driving force here- the point is to set my goals and work towards them. Not talk about them, not make pretty pictures to "inspire" me. To make real attainable goals that can be accomplished and to get one step closer to realizing those dreams little by little.
I started this post feeling sucky, and to be honest, I don't feel all that better. But I do feel a little more encouraged than before and I want to make a list, a list of dreams and goals. That post will follow soon.
