Cog in the Wheel

I have to do something. I have to find some creative outlet. Something to do and look forward to when I'm not working, because right now the days bleed into one another and I don't have much to look forward to. Especially with that missed communications job, my urge to write has been reignited along with my interest in finding a way to monetize my skills.

I want to own my own business. This is something that has been in the back of my mind for a while, but it's always been persistent. I don't know what I want to do for certain, and that's the problem. I could try to write and maybe try to publish some small projects. I could give YouTube a good solid try. Maybe I could learn to be a competent baker or cook. I mean Hell, I could probably combine all of those things into one brand.

I just don't know where to start. I'm honestly a little scared to take that first step. I feel unqualified for much of anything. And that's the problem right? because I'm not ever going to get *good* at something until I practice, and the only way to practice is to actually do the thing. I feel a little more comfortable with writing, but to prove my own point, I've been writing blog posts since early high school. They've really only ever been in the journal entry style, so I think I'd like to try some other things. Some informative posts, maybe even try to develop some recipes to share. I could see those things coming easily for me (oh my god, I'm going to be that person that has a novella in front of their recipe lol). 

I always get back *here*: I want to start something, I know I need to make a plan, but I just stall out. I get bored or I get scared or I just don't know where to begin and I never get past this longing to do something different. I have some videos I took right before we put Walter down, they're of me making that zucchini soup. I had planned to edit those and do a voiceover for them and post on my YouTube channel again. I was pumped, I was excited, and then I lost my motivation.

Sometimes I feel like maybe I'm just attracted to the newness of starting a new blog and buying a new journal to keep all of my ideas in. Maybe I don't have what it takes to actually be my own boss, make content, and make something for myself. Maybe I'll always just be a dreamer, stuck in the machine, just another cog in the wheel.

Pitter Patter

I sat here for far too long considering how to not be too cheesy before realizing that's definitely not within my wheelhouse.

I adore you, and so quickly you have stolen my heart away. I walked away from our first date and I said aloud to myself, "I could really like this boy." It wasn't three weeks later that I was thinking, "this guy is going to make me love him."

I miss you when you leave, and I feel full when I can pull you into my arms. You might find it silly to be so touched that you left the pink and yellow Starbursts for me, but knowing you listened when I mentioned that one small preference is just another way you show me you love me. When you do my dishes after I cook, when you have a cup of water ready for me before I arrive, when you fill my ice trays- these little things make my heart run over with love for you. I never want you to stop holding my hand or putting your arm around me or pulling me into hugs. I never want to stop kissing you or putting my head on your shoulder or playing with your hair. I want to go to more concerts with you, I want to go on road trips with you, I want to watch movies and play games and drink beer. I want to show you where I grew up and I want to walk around your old neighborhood. I want to meet your friends and tell you all about my favorite animals at the zoo. There's so much time I want to spend with you, so many memories I want to make, and once again my patience gets away from me.

I wish I could write something profound for you. Some string of words so beautiful and well-thought out that they perfectly capture every feeling I've ever had. I wish I had words bigger than love, because I swear sometimes I am so overwhelmed with emotion that "love" just doesn't do it justice. I know that's not what you need or expect, but I just want you to know that with every moment that passes, I fall harder and faster. Until I see you again, I'm thinking of you. Always.