To those who have met me and know me:
I apologize to you today because I realize what a terrible model of Christ I have been. I realize that some of you may not even know that I believe in God because my actions have been so far from being Christ-like. To those that do know what I believe, I apologize for being yet another hypocritical Christian who holds others to standards that I myself to not abide by. I have faults as any human does and I am going to continually fall, but in this moment I feel the need to apologize to you and to God for being selfish, self-serving, and for blatantly disregarding what I know to be truth. I have lost my way in the past weeks from continually falling into sin and while I understand that from some, that may not be a familiar concept, it is very real for me and I feel the effects daily. I ask your forgiveness for not being the example that I should always strive to be. For some, I know that I have stained my reputation in a way that cannot be reversed, and though I am undeserving, I ask for your understanding as I try to be a better picture of the love and grace that I have always known through Christ.
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
What I Have Been
Finals week is fast approaching with just 6 whole days to go. I'm not sure exactly where this semester has gone or how things got so far away from me. A lyric from a song plays through my head: "I don't even know myself at all..." reminding me that I have fallen short of so many expectations that I had for myself and that I know others had for me. I entered into this fall with the hopes that I would excel academically, that I would experience more exponential growth in Christ, and that I would finally find a direction to point my efforts regarding a career. Even writing this much gives me knots in my stomach because as much as I deny it, it pains me to know what my semester has consisted of. The first few weeks were good- easy schedule, interesting classes, meeting new people. It was anew semester and things looked bright. Salt was going great and I had a great connection group. In September, I found Phi Beta Chi- a non-facility Lutheran based sorority on campus. I had given up thinking that a sorority was in God's plan for me, so finding this group was a total blessing. I fell in love with the girls and I felt like I made immediate connections. I received a bid from them after 2 weeks of informal recruitment and became an active member last month. My new sisters and the legacy I now take on fills me with joy. I can't wait to do great things through and with this organization and I do believe it was and is a gift from God. The only downside I have experienced so far because of the sorority was that I could no longer attend the connection group I was a part of. The girls I had met within the first month of school were so sweet and genuine, but other plans were in the works. I think from a lack of motivation on my part and also thinking that I could hold my own without that group outlet, I have failed to get reconnected to another group and I think this was a key in my downfall this semester. I reached a point in October where I was blatantly disregarding what I knew to be honoring to God. I knew the right choice to make, and I did the opposite. I talked with a good friend and she helped to encourage me; I was convicted because I came to her to confess. I attended the Salt retreat thinking that I would have a breaking moment; that I would fall to my knees and repent. The retreat was really great, and I heard a lot of inspiring things, but I never had that moment. Not a literal or a figurative one. I was fully aware of my sin and my defiance, but I didn't want to change badly enough. I'm to the point where I'm aware of what I'm doing but I just don't care.
So here's the rough stuff; the stuff I don't want to admit to. The stuff that I don't want the people who matter to know about. I've been proud to say that up to this point I have not drank. It was a personal choice and it was a standard that I held myself to. I was going to wait until I was 21. However, through the course of this semester, I have been actively throwing my standards aside for lesser things. I'm cursing again, and I find joy in temporary and meaningless outlets. Three weeks ago, I tried my first alcoholic drink. This past weekend I tried my second, and on Saturday I actually had a whole drink on my own. I didn't get drunk and I didn't make any stupid decisions, besides the one to drink in the first place. And at the time, my mindset was "Why not? One drink won't mean anything." But it did, and it does, because people who know that I don't drink, know that I did. One of them said "Wait, you're drinking tonight??" and another asked "Why don't you drink?" to which I answered by holding up my cup of wine as if to say "I am now," shrugging, and saying "It's just usually not my thing." I'm angry at myself mostly because I don't understand what possessed me to get to that point. No one was pressuring me to drink, no one was even asking me to try anything. I straight up decided one my own that it was a thing I was going to do; it was something I was going to throw away after almost 20 years.
"It happened. You can't change that now. So many people do it." Yeah, but I wanted to be one of the ones that didn't. Last year I came how close to giving in multiple times, and for whatever reason, this year was the kicker. I could probably blame it on the people at work who keep making comments about how I'll need a "practice run" before I turn 21. Or I could blame my new friends in my sorority. I could blame it one the people I've met in Friley this year. I could place the actual blame on so many different people or sources, but the truth is that I made this decision and I have to live with the knowledge that I let myself down when I compromised my values.
I haven't been guarding my heart, or others' either. I have chased attention and I have looking for fulfillment in all of the wrong places. I have sought attention from several guys, most of which were failed attempts. But now, I do have the attention that I was so desiring, and I'm angry. I know my own motives and I know it's not fair to this guy. He's not a Christian and even in my deplorable state, I know that dating someone who doesn't love Jesus would be damaging to me in more ways than I could count. So it's not fair to this guy who obviously likes me to keep him going when I have no intention of ever making it long-term. He's nice and he hasn't tried to pull anything on me, which I appreciate, but he curses and drinks and he's an overall bad influence on me if I want to be on the right path. I know that if I am to be married in the future, God will have a man prepared for me who loves Christ more than himself or me. I don't understand why I seek this attention when I know how empty it is. And isn't it a sign that it's wrong when I seek it, but feel uncomfortable the moment that I receive it? It hasn't been a year since I broke up with my ex. My heart is not ready for this relationship or any relationship. And I already feel a little trapped by whatever this is. So if i know these things, why do I actively search for it? Why did I try so hard to gain the attention?
I'm so broken and so empty and I'm sick of it. I want to be happy again. I want to be genuinely full of Christ and I want to change, so why can't I seem to find the motivation? Why do I revert to this?
So here's the rough stuff; the stuff I don't want to admit to. The stuff that I don't want the people who matter to know about. I've been proud to say that up to this point I have not drank. It was a personal choice and it was a standard that I held myself to. I was going to wait until I was 21. However, through the course of this semester, I have been actively throwing my standards aside for lesser things. I'm cursing again, and I find joy in temporary and meaningless outlets. Three weeks ago, I tried my first alcoholic drink. This past weekend I tried my second, and on Saturday I actually had a whole drink on my own. I didn't get drunk and I didn't make any stupid decisions, besides the one to drink in the first place. And at the time, my mindset was "Why not? One drink won't mean anything." But it did, and it does, because people who know that I don't drink, know that I did. One of them said "Wait, you're drinking tonight??" and another asked "Why don't you drink?" to which I answered by holding up my cup of wine as if to say "I am now," shrugging, and saying "It's just usually not my thing." I'm angry at myself mostly because I don't understand what possessed me to get to that point. No one was pressuring me to drink, no one was even asking me to try anything. I straight up decided one my own that it was a thing I was going to do; it was something I was going to throw away after almost 20 years.
"It happened. You can't change that now. So many people do it." Yeah, but I wanted to be one of the ones that didn't. Last year I came how close to giving in multiple times, and for whatever reason, this year was the kicker. I could probably blame it on the people at work who keep making comments about how I'll need a "practice run" before I turn 21. Or I could blame my new friends in my sorority. I could blame it one the people I've met in Friley this year. I could place the actual blame on so many different people or sources, but the truth is that I made this decision and I have to live with the knowledge that I let myself down when I compromised my values.
I haven't been guarding my heart, or others' either. I have chased attention and I have looking for fulfillment in all of the wrong places. I have sought attention from several guys, most of which were failed attempts. But now, I do have the attention that I was so desiring, and I'm angry. I know my own motives and I know it's not fair to this guy. He's not a Christian and even in my deplorable state, I know that dating someone who doesn't love Jesus would be damaging to me in more ways than I could count. So it's not fair to this guy who obviously likes me to keep him going when I have no intention of ever making it long-term. He's nice and he hasn't tried to pull anything on me, which I appreciate, but he curses and drinks and he's an overall bad influence on me if I want to be on the right path. I know that if I am to be married in the future, God will have a man prepared for me who loves Christ more than himself or me. I don't understand why I seek this attention when I know how empty it is. And isn't it a sign that it's wrong when I seek it, but feel uncomfortable the moment that I receive it? It hasn't been a year since I broke up with my ex. My heart is not ready for this relationship or any relationship. And I already feel a little trapped by whatever this is. So if i know these things, why do I actively search for it? Why did I try so hard to gain the attention?
I'm so broken and so empty and I'm sick of it. I want to be happy again. I want to be genuinely full of Christ and I want to change, so why can't I seem to find the motivation? Why do I revert to this?
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