I was doing so well, and now I'm three months behind. Whoops.
Life moves fast and before you know it, you're 6 weeks down the road and you have a handful of broken pieces in your hand. Try as you might, you cannot undo what has already been done and so there is nothing left but to move forward.
I knew before we began that it would only end in pain. For one of us there would be heartbreak, and I suppose I am happy it was me. I think it was nice to try again, a noble effort. Because really, there would have been nothing but "what ifs" without it. But time can't always heal every wound and the mind can't always forget. It wasn't just me, it was a mix of many others, but it still came down to the fact that he couldn't find it in his mind to let go and trust. I would have loved unconditionally and supported faithfully. I would have done anything and everything to make him happy, to show him the love he doesn't think he deserves, but I was not given that chance. Somewhere out there, the great controller of the Universe said, "no, not today. Not this one."
And I suppose I feel like the Universe is laughing a little, saying, "I told you not to mess with this, I gave you every opportunity! And yet here we are, so now you just have to sit there and be sad for a while." And I think that's fair. When you know something in your gut, you know it, but sometimes you can let it go and sometimes you need to pick at the wound a bit until it scars. This will be a scar, but hopefully one that tells a good story, a lesson learned, instead of bearing the burden of regret. I don't want to be upset that I took this chance, I don't want to be sad for what was and what will never be. I want to be happy for the moments we had, and thankful for the things I was taught- both by him and by the Universe itself.
I was very sad when it happened, and I think I'll continue to be sad for the loss of a friend. But I feel relief, finally. I feel free from the guilt and the frustration. I know the answers to questions left behind before, and I know it was real. At one point, it was all real and that is what matters. If he cannot commit, if he cannot be all in, then that is okay. That is where he is. We were never different in age, but we were always different in our emotional states. I pushed for things he never wanted and he gave in. That's not how a successful relationship is built.
I will miss my friend, I will miss my confidante. All of the time we shared will be dearly held in my heart. But this place is not just ours, it is also mine. And as difficult as it will be to take every day one at a time, I am ready to be someone new. Someone with new knowledge and new desires. It breaks my heart more as I type, as I realize I will be okay, but as I come to terms with the fact that he won't be there to see it. I wanted to badly for him to be part of it, and I think the plans that have fallen to dust are the things that hurt the most. I can look at memories fondly, but the happiness I was borrowing from the future has run dry and now I have to find it again in the present.
I have learned not to put my only happiness into a person, so I am already ahead of where I started before. And I know that I will be okay. I am strong and brave and true and resolute. I will face every day as its own challenge and I will rise to the occasion when it is time. I have people who love me, friends who care about me, and if I trust in the Universe, I have a future that is waiting for me.
