Far From Home

(This post was original made around October of 2014. Somehow it was republished here. Hello, flashbacks.)

I feel trapped here some days. Here as in at school, but here as in my life too.

I get to the point where I just need an escape. I need to do anything except work, go to class, and see the same faces. I feel far from home here on some days. Today is one of those days. I feel depressed and lost. Like I don't have an outlet. I think I need to find new ways to plug in here. I'm considering starting a bible study with any willing girls in Lowe. Something laid back and outside of Salt so that I can spread the gospel to these ladies that I love.

Some days I honestly just want to curl up in a ball and disappear, and I think today I'm feeling that way because of last night, and because of a dream I had very recently.

First, the dream. It was about the house on Holcomb, and while I don't remember much of it now, I do still remember getting to be there again. The only thing I really have left that reminds me of the flood is this little alligator toy I have pictured below. Basically, when you open his jaws, the little teeth pop up. You take turns pushing one down at a time until one of them snaps the mouth shut. Its always been a source of entertainment for me and friends even now.

 

I was playing with my alligator toy the other day when I realized that it still had flood crud on it. The toy has survived my childhood, many car shows and vacations, and even a flood and still it keeps chugging. Upon thinking of the flood I was reminded of the house, and again I was struck with the feeling of loss and emptiness.

Since the flood I have had a very specific and clear picture in my head of the way the house used to look as if you were standing in the foyer looking into the dining room/kitchen. Its always been about noon, and on a late spring or summer day. The sun is shining through the windows and the room is comfortably warm. The pale yellow walls of the dining room and the pale wood of the furniture are glowing in the light, adding to the feeling of comfort. Looking to the left, the blue kitchen walls and white cabinetry is inviting, and the linoleum flooring is cool beneath your feet. Straight out the back door in the kitchen in the patio and garden, and the windows must be open because a breeze is coming in and it smells of flowers.

My words don't do this memory justice, but this place is the closest I have to a happy place. My mind bounces back to that perfect, quiet, sunny day in my childhood home and I feel safe and comforted. It absolutely sucks that that place is gone forever, I'm not going to act like it doesn't still bother me some days. And I wish I had a place that comforting to go to that was tangible.

This post has been random and rambling, and I know I'm going to revisit the house when I have more time. I want to make sure I get down the details before they slip away permanently. For now, we'll just say that I feel pretty out of it today, but I'm going to put on that smile and get through the day and hope for a better tomorrow.

To The Man Who Changed Me

Seems like everyone writes one of those letters to the boy who broke their heart or the boy who cheated or the boy who wasn't enough. Well this is my stab at it. This is my open letter to the man who changed me with fire from the inside out.

Dear Man,

You were light. You were joy. You were my everything (mistake number one). Your smile was special for me, your laugh made me feel giddy. Your touch sent electricity through my skin and when you said those three words I felt peace and comfort. You changed me from the very start. You were different and I was just crazy enough to try to keep up. I felt brand new with you, I felt fresh and simple. And oh how I felt beautiful. You did love me better than I could have asked for. For a time.

After a while, I was not myself any longer. I tried so hard to be the person you wanted me to be. I tried every day to be enough, to fill that space in your heart. And I actually think I succeeded for a little while. I think for a small period of time, you let me in and you let your guard down and we worked. But then you expected too much. You expected me to meet the criteria of this invisible list, you wanted me to be more than I was, and there's no way I could ever measure up. You compared me to this checklist day in and day out and eventually I wasn't the girl you loved before- full of life and ideas and hope and love. I was the shell of a person who had emptied their soul to try to fill yours.

I played a part in this too. I allowed you to make me feel as though I was not enough. I looked at you and thought to myself, "Oh he just wants the best for me. He's just pushing me to be the best. He's making me better." But these things weren't true. Had they been true you wouldn't have tired of encouraging me, or spurring me on, or just being there to comfort me. You didn't love me at that time, and I didn't see that. I allowed myself to be blinded by your promises, but as alluring as they were they held no water. Maybe you meant them at one time, but you didn't have the backbone to carry them through. You weren't ready for this relationship.

I gave my heart to you in ways I didn't know were possible. I loved you fully and completely. I'll probably always love you a little, because that's how first loves work right? I gave you a piece of my heart and then some. You took moments from me, you took songs, and places, and people and activities. Everywhere I look I see you and I see us. I see memories made and fun had. I made a mistake in this. I thought that you would hold my heart with gentle hands, that you would guard it and keep it safe. I didn't see that you would put yourself first, that you would consider your own outcomes before my own. I made this mistake and you can be sure I won't make it again.

I recently read about soulmates and how the word does not necessarily mean what we think it means. Some of it seemed a little cheesy to me, but something stuck out- a soulmate will enter your life, connect with you on deeper levels than you thought possible, then break you open so you can see new things in yourself and leave you to rebuild. I thought you were my forever, I thought I could trust you. I think we both were on that same page for a period of time, but it changed as things always do and I watched it slip away. You broke me open, you burned me and changed me from within. And I can see a new and shiny me just below the surface, one that will be forged with fire. It's going to take some hard work, a little muscle, and some pain but I'm going to come out of this stronger and wiser. I'm going to emerge a better version of myself. For that I can thank you, because without the lessons you taught me I would not have the tools necessary to make myself better.

I'm writing as a cathartic experience for myself, but I think in this I can forgive you too. You hurt me, you devastated me. You took several pieces of me that I cannot get back. You lied to me and you moved on from what we had faster than I thought you would. It only took two months, and now I realize you are in fact not the man I once knew. You are not the man that I want to spend my life with. You are not the man I once trusted and loved. But you did make me feel confident in myself, you did bring out a passion in me that desires to push through hard tasks, you did make me more curious, and you did make me want to be a better person and friend.

So I forgive you for breaking me down, because through the smoke and ashes and rubble I'm going to rebuild and be the best version of me yet.

Always,
Me

I Have To Be

I have to be stronger.
I have to be happier.
I have to be more forgiving.
I have to be exciting.
I have to be loving.

I have to be better.

I can't stand the person I become when I'm depressed. I can't look at myself in the mirror because I hate the look in my eyes.

I'm weak, I'm sad, I'm empty when all I want to be is bright eyed and cheerful. I want to leap into his arms, I want to run around the block, I want to accomplish great things and go on great adventures.

I have to be better than this, I can't let this become more than me. I have to pry myself out of this slump and live. Because I hear the whine in my voice and the struggle in his. I can't lose him because I became too involved and too dependant on this feeling of loneliness. It may be easier, it may take less fight and less energy, but I will not become the one who sank. I will not let this consume me. And I will not lose him because I lost myself.

When I look ahead I see bright days. I see rebirth and regrowth. I see joy. I see myself driving down endless highways with the wind in my hair. I see trudging through woods and creeks just to get a little muddy. I see rolling on beaches and jumping in water to enjoy the day that was given to me. I see myself being carefree and alive, not wasting away in a bed or a dark apartment waiting for the sun to set at the end of another day.

I'm tired; exhausted even. But I have to be better. I have to be stronger. I refuse to go down, to let the panic and anxiety and depression get such a hold on my heart that it's all I live in. I will not live in this place my whole life. I will have bad days, but the good have to outweigh them.

This is a fight, a battle. A war within my mind that has to be waged every single day. This is my pep talk to myself, because I'm sick of avoiding my reflection. I want to see myself stand tall, be proud of who I am. I want to take new steps, I want to try new things, I want to see my world for all that it is.

I know that if I sink, if I let this consume me, I'll lose him. I'll lose him and friends and family. I'll lose myself. Because who wants to tell the girl 1000 times over the same thing every day. It's not their work. It's mine. My work is to love myself and let that love be so strong that it pours out onto others. Their work is to do the same for themselves so that when we meet we can love one another so thoroughly that there is no room for error.

I must first love myself so that I may love others. I must rely on me, pick myself up, carry my own weights before I can expect others to help. I have to be better.

These last two years have been hard. Some of the hardest things I'll ever face probably have happened. But I made it through, though not quite unscathed. But the scars and the wear, it makes me stronger and it makes me who I am. I would not have the worldviews or the experience if I had not been through these things. And for that, I have to keep going. I have to push on and be the person I was made to be. I can't sit and let these things destroy me. And I won't. Hard times will come. Bad days will follow. But the good has to outweigh it.

Noah. I will be stronger. I will be here in the present and not focused on the past. I will be forgiving and loving and adventurous and excited. I will be the person I know I am and the person you want to be with. I'm not changing for you, I'm changing for me, because I have to. I have to be better.

My First Real Adult Vacation!

I could live in Duluth.

Yes, I had my doubts, and my very first impression left me a little disappointed- all I saw was an industrial town with scrap yards and quarries. But soon, this city of 86,000 had my heart.

Duluth, Minnesota borders Lake Superior and supplies an absolutely stunning view. From the beaches, the opposite side of the lake is out of sight. The sand is fine and soft and I knew immediately I could spend many days relaxing there. When Noah and I first arrived, we parked the car and walked to the lighthouse. The weather was gorgeous- probably in the 50's and we enjoyed the silence of the lake together and eventually ventured to the beach. We threw some driftwood into the water and (Noah) jumped on some ice. This was also the day that I became a true Duluth-ian when I flung sand into the lake in the traditional fashion. 
  After a couple of hours running around the beach, we checked into our motel- the Downtown Duluth Motel. Not to that say Noah has bad taste, but the outside of this place looked like the setting for one or two shady business deals. However, the room itself was surprisingly nice and we didn't run into any trouble during our stay. That evening, we took a walk through the city and I got the feeling I was walking in downtown Des Moines. Buildings stood tall on either side of me and a few shops filled the corners. It felt like home for me! When we crossed over the interstate into "tourist country" I suddenly felt as though I was on Main Street Ames and this was when I really fell in love. Duluth somehow had managed to combine my beach-town-dream-home, the comforts of a small town , and the familiar big city feel. The main strip was home to several beautiful lakeside hotels, some trinket shops, some bars, and a few restaurants- including Famous Dave's, so you know I'm down! We walked around for a while and finally decided that we should stop in at the Canal Park Brewing Company. Noah enjoyed the Nut Hatchet- 3rd place winner in the 2014 World Beer Cup, and I had a brew with a name nearly unpronounceable: the Neoprenanzug Malfunction. It was a German wheat beer. Anyone who's curious about some local brews should definitely check out the CPBC if they find themselves in the area! On our way back, we even snuck into the Inn on Lake Superior to have a few s'mores- don't worry folks. We paid to sleep there the next night, we were really only borrowing in advance!

The next morning we found ourselves facing a snow storm- huge, giant snowflakes were falling from the sky, creating a beautiful scene over the city and the lake. However, your truly was not too excited for this turn in weather. Noah however was ecstatic, and he decided this would be the proper time to take me to Chester's Bowl- a ski resort in the winter that turns into quite the trek when closed. Let me tell you, climbing a ski hill is more challenging than it looks, and yes, I'm being a baby about this. But the view from the top and moment of silence we enjoyed was worth it. It was still lightly snowing, so we couldn't see far, but up almost above the tree line was a pretty cool place to be standing. If it had been more clear, I'm pretty sure the lake would have been visible. We ate a picnic lunch in the car and took the scenic route- Skyline Highway back into town. The highway took us through the hills and around some very scenic outlooks that reminded me of my trip to Colorado- only instead of mountainous valleys, there were lots of homes. Still, a very beautiful afternoon, and afterwards we checked into the Inn. This place was gorgeous and I am absolutely thankful for the money Noah spent to stay there. The Inn features a rooftop heated pool which we definitely took advantage of later that night- man was it hard to get out! 

Noah and I were both fairly tired by this point in our trip- we had spent most of our time outside wandering around, so we decided a trip to the beach to watch the sunset would be a perfect way to relax before heading in for the night. So out we went, at about 6:00. We had about an hour of good daylight left and he wanted to take me to Park Point, a place he remembered from previous family vacations. We tried searching the internet, but couldn't quite find the place, so we decided to just drive in the general direction. At one point, Noah decided to turn off onto a residential road, which we discovered only had two or three houses on either side. The road ended in a dead-end sand pit: can you see where this is going? We were doing fine but then we slowed down and as the front end dug deeper and we lost traction, we both knew we had made a huge mistake. A couple of back and forth maneuvers and we were stuck fast. We learned quickly that snow and sand are two completely different things to remove a car from. We dug for about 30 minutes before we decided it was time to ask for help from the neighbors. We struck out immediately, and for his part, Noah remained optimistic. I have to take a moment here to say that I am very proud of the way Noah handled me and the entire situation. Though he had just as much of a clue as I did on how to get us out, he was calm, cool, and collected. When I entered meltdown mode, he took my hands and let me sit in the car to breathe it out. He never once snapped at me and as much as I'm sure he was anxious, he kept a good face. We eventually did get the attention of an area resident who, without his help, I'm sure we would still be stuck. Although David gave me the feeling he might in fact be a murderer, he supplied us with some carpet, pine branches, and cardboard that eventually got us out of the pit. Two and a half hours later, having completely missed our sunset, we parked the car on safe pavement and walked over the small hill keeping us from the lake at the end of 22nd Street. We sat on the beach and watched the water, exhausted from the digging and thankful we weren't kidnapped and locked in David's basement...or maybe that last part was just me. When we made it back to the hotel, we rinsed off the sand and spent a couple of well deserved hours in the sauna and heated pool. At 10 o'clock we ordered Domino's pizza for dinner, and let me tell you, that was the best damn delivery pizza I've ever had. We definitely slept well that night, and not just because of the king size bed.

On Monday morning Noah had scheduled a tour with the Altec plant there in town. Altec is the company he has a current internship at, and he has a pretty good shot at getting a  job offer next Spring. We toured the facility early that morning- which went very well- and even found an old railroad bridge to climb around on afterwards. Since we had checked out of the hotel, we decided to try our luck at Park Point again. This time we found it, and we spent a couple hours running around, playing in the water, jumping on ice floats, and getting covered in sand. Again the weather was perfect, but we had one more thing on our vacation wish list to accomplish. We headed to Goodwill and each found ridiculous shirts, then made our way back to the beach to literally roll around in the sand. We wanted memories made in these shirts, so any time we wear them, we think of that time. This was Noah's idea, and I don't know about you, but I thought it was pretty sweet. We left Duluth that afternoon, right as it started to rain. We probably couldn't have planned it better if we tried.

Of course we spent time just laying around in the hotel, doing nothing, it was vacation after all, but Noah and I share at least one thing in common: we like to be adventurous. We spent so much time outside and I know we didn't even scratch the surface of all the nooks and crannies to explore. We walked along the boardwalk one evening, and one afternoon we just drove around the neighborhoods pointing out houses we'd like to live in. We found a thrift shop and fantastic bakery hidden among the houses, and there's even and Electric Fetus in town!

Despite the fact the Duluth is seated in Northern Minnesota, I know I could live there. I'm not sure how I know, but the place felt like a home to me almost immediately. I could see myself walking through the city, or driving in the hills on a fall day taking in the scenery, or relaxing on the beach on a summer afternoon. Something about the atmosphere called to me more than anything, and above all, I loved it apart from Noah. Being there with him was amazing and I can see our lives there, but it wasn't his company that made my decision. I loved Duluth for my own reasons and I absolutely can't wait to go back.

Drama Queen

I look very tired today. I look worn and almost aged. I just stood and looked at myself in the mirror for 5 minutes and I couldn't really see past the bags beneath my eyes and the sad excuse for a smile. I feel exhausted and burnt out. How do I end up here? What choices are made, what events happen to get me to the spot where I feel so empty. 

I'm bored and restless. I want adventure and excitement. I want newness. I want to travel, run away, explore, create. And yet all at the same time I have no energy or motivation. I don't even know where I would begin. I have friends going on great adventures for spring break, I have friends planning great adventures for summer. I feel perpetually stuck in one place and one time. And I know that's my fault. If I want to make it happen, I have to DO. Wasn't that even one of my New Years "resolutions," to act and do and become, rather than just hope and dream? It's March and I don't know if I've made any progress.

I know it's been 3 months and I haven't made much difference in my healthy lifestyle. Noah looks amazing and he has drive and determination and I have none of that. Seeing him makes me feel worse about myself, it doesn't spur me on. What's wrong with me? Where is my drive to start projects, to try something new, to be better every single day? Why am I lacking that very essential skill set? Why would I rather sit in self pity than take the next step and DO SOMETHING?

I just don't get it. Maybe it's my depression stuff. Maybe that's what keeps me down. I'd sure like to see if in 3 weeks I feel any more motivated or confident or anything because of the medicine. My dad says it just takes the edge off, but I want change. I want to be different. Why aren't I different? Why, not matter how much I want it, can I not make myself be the person I want to be? 

These Halleujahs

I'm not who I am today. I know that doesn't make sense. I don't feel right in my own skin. I feel like someone different looking in, as if I can see my true self and it's not comforting. I don't like what I see today.

I see someone who is lazy and unmotivated. Someone who has dreams and aspirations but no real plans or means to reach them. I see someone stuck in bad habits and negative attitudes. I see someone who is restless for change, but not exactly sure where the change should come from. I look in the mirror and I don't recognize who I see. I see someone who has darkness in her eyes. It scares me.

I'm not good at being alone. Nights are the worst. My thoughts catch up to me and I don't know how to deal with them or drown them out. I think I used to be okay at being alone; I think I used to make it work. I don't know what I feel but I know it's not content.

Is this the depression again? This is similar to how I felt before. The unrest and emptiness. I don't want to feel this way and I don't want to be that person again. Maybe it's time to talk to my doctor. I'm still so scared to become reliant on some medicine. Why can't I help myself? I should be able to fix it on my own. I don't want to be another name on a list of young adults that take medication for depression when all it really turns out to be is school stress or something temporary.

I want to leave and I want to stay. I want to be on my own and I want the company. I want new and yet I'm afraid of change. I cannot actually contain all of these contradictory emotions. Little by little they're leaking out of me. I feel on the edge of exploding today. My head is so full and my heart is so heavy.

You'll Think of Me

The past couple days it seems like I've caught a glimpse of myself as a girlfriend from the outside and it makes me angry. 

I feel lost and inadequate. I feel foolish. None of those things are from anything Noah has done. It's because I don't know how to handle situations. I feel too needy. I feel like I should be floating through this period of time totally fine and like it's wrong that I'm still sad. 

I kind of hate that it's easy for him. And I know that's awful, but the fact that he has new things to do and look forward to and I'm still just sitting here...I don't know. This is a rambling post. I'm not making much sense.

The other thing not helping is that I've lost my motivation to work out and I feel gross. I know Noah is going to look great and that adds to the feelings of inadequacy. He deserves someone who's going to look great and care for their body.

I'm not feeling body or mind positive the past few days. I've been very hard on myself and it's making me sad.

Dreams

I know this is probably one of those things that's going to sound crazy to everyone except me. I can't really explain it, but I have this feeling that Tiger and a couple of my previous pets have said goodbye to me in my dreams- I even had one about my grandma once. Maybe it's my subconscious putting together little snippets because I miss them, I'm not really sure. But I do know that other people have had these types of dreams as well. It's not completely unheard of and I'm not so sure it's out of the realm of possibility.

Last night, I was standing at the kitchen counter where Tiger's water bowl sits and Lily, our other cat was eating out of the dish. Tiger kind of just appeared next to her, and in part of my brain I knew it couldn't be happening because I realized that he wasn't around anymore. I had this thought that "oh, this must be Tiger's spirit still hanging around." He walked up to me and rubbed his head on my hand and against my chest and I reached out to pet him. The whole dream only lasted what seemed like a few moments, and soon it all faded away, but it left me feeling comforted. Like I had had one last chance to say goodbye to my boy and like he was saying goodbye to me.

With my first family pet Sandy, I dreamed that she came through my parents headboard and nuzzled my cheek and licked my face before running back to where she had come from. My grandmother hugged me and I swear to you I could feel her in my arms and I could smell her when I woke up. I could almost hear her voice the rest of that day. My roommate Kelsey shared with me that she had a similar dream about her own grandmother, and when Kelsey's mom was pregnant with her, Paula dreamed of her deceased father.

I already believe in something unknown, so what's so far fetched about this? I know it seems goofy and ridiculous, and maybe it is. But perhaps our dreams are not always random collections from the memory. For me, that thought is more reassuring.

My Year In Review

Okay friends, prepare for a long post. I've got a lot on my mind and I want to make sure it all gets down today before it slips away.

First of all, I want to take a moment to recognize that I posted something- whether small or profound- every month last year except for in October. 11/12 months is a major win for me. This blog is actually becoming what I intended for it to be- a place to explore and document my life. How big of a blessing is that?

Also, since it doesn't seem to fit well anywhere else I want to mention the friends that I saw get married this year: Abigail and Brandon and Alyssa and David. Both weddings were equally beautiful and special. At each one I can recall a moment where I looked at the bride and saw how beautiful she was, how she was the center of attention- just as she should be. I saw loving glances pass between the couples and I saw lives expand before me. To all of you: you each mean so much to me. You have been instrumental in my growth and my faith and your happiness together brings me joy. I cannot wait to see the great things your marriages will accomplish through God.

So much happened in 2014 that I'm not sure one post would do any of it justice, but I want this to be a "putting to bed" of sorts for the negative, and a rebirthing for the positive. What happened has happened already and good or bad- it cannot be altered, reversed, or relived. In 2015 I want to learn to live in the current moments and appreciate them as they come. I learned a lot about myself in 2014, but sitting here just on the edge of this new year, I feel a bubbling inside of me. An untapped source of love for myself and others is waiting to be released, a spout that is just begging to be opened. So let's review, and then let's look forward to all of the beautiful days ahead.

Last January I was living in Friley and I was about to start my first semester as an Animal Ecology major. I thought I had finally figured it out. I was entirely ready to work my ass off and get through the course work. I knew that it wouldn't come easy to me but I felt passionate about something for the first time in so long that all I wanted to do was try my best. Through February of 2014 I continued in my school work. I struggled against the current, I failed tests, I missed homework assignments, and I became increasingly depressed. I continued to turn to boys for attention and alcohol for comfort. I struggled with my faith and what any of it meant. Finally, when getting out of bed every morning became an accomplishment and I would find myself dragging through each day with just enough energy left over to fall into bed, I sought help. I reached out to the counseling services on campus in the last week of February. While the course work didn't get easier, the depression and sense of being lost did. Through the first week of May I saw a counselor once a week and I faced my depression head on. I came to terms with it, as well as how far I had walked from God. I wrestled with myself, but despite the end of the semester not being what I had wished for, I ended on a higher personal note. I moved home in the second week of May and away from the toxicity I had met there. Don't get me wrong- I have plenty of great memories from my time in Friley, but more often than not I would end my nights feeling unfulfilled and disappointed in myself. It was a time of discovery, something that I will not regret. Also in January, I started my job at HyVee, and in May I transferred down to a store in Des Moines for the summer.

The summer was supposed to be a respite. I wanted so badly to find myself back on track- to go back to Grace and find my family, to seek God with fervor, to feel refreshed and encouraged. Before the end of the school year I had changed back to Child, Adult, and Family Services and I wanted to get my head in the right place for that change. May passed, and so did June. In July, a shift occurred that rocked my family to its core: my mother had cheated on my father. Never in 1,000 years would I have guessed this would happen, and I didn't know what to do with any of the information I was given. It all came down so quickly, and the progress I felt I had been making with my depression seemed to dissolve before me. Every day was a challenge to get through.

At the end of July, I left with a crew of 12 others to work on RAGBRAI. That week was probably the highlight of my summer. The constant work left no room to think about what was going on at home, and it acted as a vacation. Going home from that week was so unbelievably hard, made harder by the fact that I learned that my mother had moved out while I was away. The days that followed were empty and strange, I didn't know how to act or behave in my own house. At some point, I moved a large portion of my things up to my new apartment in Ames, an adventure in itself to be sure. The Iowa State Fair came as a relief and working 8-4 became the best part of my days. Going home was a dark cloud, something I desperately wanted to avoid. During this window of a few weeks I had a couple of flings. One with a boy who gave me my first kiss, and one with a boy who I told everything to. While they both gave me some kind of distraction, I knew in my heart that neither were going to work out. Not only was the chemistry not there, but my heart was in no place to commit; I could barely care for myself. When the fair ended, I only had a couple days until I moved up to Ames for the new school year and I absolutely could not wait to be gone.

With the start of the Fall semester came a rekindled sense of excitement. I'm not sure what extinguished the flame, but not two weeks into school and I was already struggling to get to class and complete classwork. I started seeing a counselor right away, but for some reason, it just didn't seem to be clicking into place as it had before. The only upside it seemed was that being away from home was doing exactly what I had hoped- I wasn't thinking about my parents and it wasn't keeping be down. September came and it seemed like a light was finally at the end of the tunnel; I couldn't quite figure out what had made it appear, but something was just out of reach. I was in a better place personally, it was just school that held no real interest for me. I began to explore my options seriously and discovered that withdrawal from the university was a completely viable option.

It was around this time that my life changed and I met the man that I now get to call my boyfriend. September 23rd (yeah, I know the date) I sat next to a guy on the bus and he made fun of me for having a sandwich from Jeff's Pizza. A week later we had our first date, and four weeks after that we were "Facebook official"- not that that defined the relationship. We both knew before that Sunday that we were in it together. Three weeks ago I met his parents and stayed with him in Minnesota for a weekend, and two days ago I helped move him down to Missouri for six months for an amazing co-op.
Noah, I couldn't be more happy and blessed to have you in my life. Every single day with you has been better than the last. I cannot quite comprehend how a chance encounter has led to so many amazing things, and I'm not sure I ever will. What I do know is that I love you with all of my heart. You give me joy and you lift me up. You deal with my crazy and you are probably just as weird as I am. I've mentioned it before, but I sincerely believe that you were the final push I needed to get out of the tunnel I was in. You have taught me so much- how to build a positive foundation, how to love myself, how to be open-minded, and how to explore. I know I have a lot of work to do before I'm great at some of those things- old habits die hard, you know- but I know that you will be there to encourage me every step of the way. Those promises I made you I intend to keep- all day, every day.

In mid-October I officially withdrew from the university and started to work exclusively at HyVee. I was trained in a new department (customer service) and even received a raise. I continued to date Noah and everything honestly seemed to have fallen into place. It was as if a literal weight had been lifted from my shoulders. The depression receded and I became happy- genuinely completely happy. It had been so long that I actually didn't know what to do with the emotion. For the first time in so long, when people would ask how I was, I would answer with "I'm really good," instead of "I'm alright" or "I'm okay" and it would be the honest to goodness truth.

2014 ended on a high note, something that I didn't quite expect. Going into the year, I was coming from a dark place and I didn't think things would improve- how I've been proven wrong. Yes, a lot of shitty things happened this year. More things that I would have cared for; but I came through the other side stronger for every single one. I have genuine high hopes for 2015 that it will be a year of great strength and growth, a year to be reflected on next January that makes me say "Wow. Now look at that, look at what I did. Look what God did. See how things can change if you just hang in there."

So what's on the docket for 2015 you ask? Well here goes, the classic and cheesy New Year's resolutions list:
1- More self-positivity; less self-degradation: I have a terrible habit of putting myself down, whether I'm the butt of a joke or I'm actually hating on myself. I've made a promise to stop the negative comments; they don't help anyone.
2- Healthy lifestyle: A classic, and for a reason. I have someone I want to look good for, but I want to look good for myself too. I want to look in the mirror and love me for me, and know that I'm taking care of my body. Positive thoughts and healthy living will get me there.
3- Silver linings abound: This year may not be starting off exactly how I would have wished and it certainly will come with it's struggles, but the path I'm on is laid out ahead of me. To make the most of this year, I have to work hard. It may be hard and strange, but I have to make every moment and opportunity count for something; a promise I made and promise I'll keep.
4- Work hard to play hard: I have a lot of things that interest me and I have a lot of things I'd love to do and places I'd love to visit. This is going to be the year that I hone my determination. No longer will I sit and wish, I will move and do. I will achieve. I certainly don't expect it all to happen in the next 12 months, but I will definitely be laying the ground work.
5- Love fiercely: I have learned the hard way that the ones you love disappoint you, and that love between people is fragile. But I have also learned that not enough of it exists to begin with. I want to show love, give love, and be love. I want to be that character of Christ. I want to forgive, be generous, and reach out to those I've been far from. I won't let anymore time slip away from me.

Each one of these is going to take my entire concentration and heart; my determination and my soul. But I want to pour into myself and others this year. I want to make an impact and I want to build the proper foundations for a bountiful life. I've seen the dark, and I know how sickly sweet it is. I want to seek light and life, and to cast that Black Dog aside.

This year is a new leaf, a new life, a new era for me. This will be the year that I took my life by the reigns and experienced it fully. I'm 21 and I will not let 2015 become a waste; I will not let the next six months be a pity party; I will not let my faith sit on the back burners. This is the year that I step into who I am and mold who I'll become.