Seems like everyone writes one of those letters to the boy who broke their heart or the boy who cheated or the boy who wasn't enough. Well this is my stab at it. This is my open letter to the man who changed me with fire from the inside out.
Dear Man,
You were light. You were joy. You were my everything (mistake number one). Your smile was special for me, your laugh made me feel giddy. Your touch sent electricity through my skin and when you said those three words I felt peace and comfort. You changed me from the very start. You were different and I was just crazy enough to try to keep up. I felt brand new with you, I felt fresh and simple. And oh how I felt beautiful. You did love me better than I could have asked for. For a time.
After a while, I was not myself any longer. I tried so hard to be the person you wanted me to be. I tried every day to be enough, to fill that space in your heart. And I actually think I succeeded for a little while. I think for a small period of time, you let me in and you let your guard down and we worked. But then you expected too much. You expected me to meet the criteria of this invisible list, you wanted me to be more than I was, and there's no way I could ever measure up. You compared me to this checklist day in and day out and eventually I wasn't the girl you loved before- full of life and ideas and hope and love. I was the shell of a person who had emptied their soul to try to fill yours.
I played a part in this too. I allowed you to make me feel as though I was not enough. I looked at you and thought to myself, "Oh he just wants the best for me. He's just pushing me to be the best. He's making me better." But these things weren't true. Had they been true you wouldn't have tired of encouraging me, or spurring me on, or just being there to comfort me. You didn't love me at that time, and I didn't see that. I allowed myself to be blinded by your promises, but as alluring as they were they held no water. Maybe you meant them at one time, but you didn't have the backbone to carry them through. You weren't ready for this relationship.
I gave my heart to you in ways I didn't know were possible. I loved you fully and completely. I'll probably always love you a little, because that's how first loves work right? I gave you a piece of my heart and then some. You took moments from me, you took songs, and places, and people and activities. Everywhere I look I see you and I see us. I see memories made and fun had. I made a mistake in this. I thought that you would hold my heart with gentle hands, that you would guard it and keep it safe. I didn't see that you would put yourself first, that you would consider your own outcomes before my own. I made this mistake and you can be sure I won't make it again.
I recently read about soulmates and how the word does not necessarily mean what we think it means. Some of it seemed a little cheesy to me, but something stuck out- a soulmate will enter your life, connect with you on deeper levels than you thought possible, then break you open so you can see new things in yourself and leave you to rebuild. I thought you were my forever, I thought I could trust you. I think we both were on that same page for a period of time, but it changed as things always do and I watched it slip away. You broke me open, you burned me and changed me from within. And I can see a new and shiny me just below the surface, one that will be forged with fire. It's going to take some hard work, a little muscle, and some pain but I'm going to come out of this stronger and wiser. I'm going to emerge a better version of myself. For that I can thank you, because without the lessons you taught me I would not have the tools necessary to make myself better.
I'm writing as a cathartic experience for myself, but I think in this I can forgive you too. You hurt me, you devastated me. You took several pieces of me that I cannot get back. You lied to me and you moved on from what we had faster than I thought you would. It only took two months, and now I realize you are in fact not the man I once knew. You are not the man that I want to spend my life with. You are not the man I once trusted and loved. But you did make me feel confident in myself, you did bring out a passion in me that desires to push through hard tasks, you did make me more curious, and you did make me want to be a better person and friend.
So I forgive you for breaking me down, because through the smoke and ashes and rubble I'm going to rebuild and be the best version of me yet.
Always,
Me
