The Forest

"Well don't worry about the whole forest right now. Focus on the few tress you have in front of you that you have to cut down right now. Some of those trees will fall and knock down others, and pretty soon you'll have reached the other side, but right now focus on the ones in front of you. If you look at the whole forest, it'll seem impossible."

For a while now I've been having a hard time with school. I've felt as though I'm wasting my time and money and just doing thing thing that was expected of me. I'm still struggling with some of that, mostly the part about not having a purpose for being in school. This period of time was supposed to be something where I discovered what I loved and I learned how to do it better, and instead college has become quite a burden for me. As I am looking to my junior year at Iowa State, I have a lot that I need to get done in this coming year. Some things are commitments I made that I just need to suck it up and get through, and some will affect my schooling in the couple years I have to go. All of it seems so overwhelming. I know that this year is going to be busy from beginning to end and I know that I am going to have little time for myself.

As I was expressing these worries to my dad, he stopped me and presented me with the above analogy. I thought it was pretty great and it did a lot to comfort me. He was right- if I look at the whole forest (the next two or maybe even 2.5 years) it's going to seem impossible to conquer, but if I take it all one day, one tree, at a time I'll get through it. And some trees will knock down others, things will fall into place where I didn't expect them to and take care of other obstacles or open new doors.

Everything will work itself out.

And isn't that something that I've been taught about God since the beginning? He is in control. Everything happens according to His plan. God knew the choices I would make that would lead me here and He knows the choices I will make that will get me to the other side of this obstacle that seems so huge just now.

Wishes

You know that question that you'll sometimes get asked that goes "if you could change one thing, what would you change?" You're supposed to answer that you're totally fine with everything that's happened in your life and that you wouldn't change anything. But I would change something, and it's probably not what you would expect.

Maybe you'd think that I would change the summer of the flood so that I wouldn't lose my house and belongings. But no.
Perhaps you'd guess that I would use the last days with my grandparents to ask them all of the things I wish I could ask now. That's not it either.
You could even suppose that I would go back and change this past year at school, the decisions I made and the depression and separation that fell upon me. Again, you'd be wrong but you would be getting closer.

I would change my actions and choices that led up to my decision to go to Iowa State.

You surprised?

Thinking about my senior year, I remember that everything was so rushed, and everything went by in such a blur. I know that I went on college visits and I know I applied to a handful of state-based schools, but I also know that I didn't try very hard. That's where I'd start. I'd explore options from all over the country. And maybe I'd still end up in Iowa, but at least I'd feel like I didn't limit myself to one state. Maybe I wouldn't feel so stuck here. I'd also listen to my gut. When my college search started, I had only a couple criteria in mind. I wanted a Christian school to grow my faith at, and I wanted it to be smaller. I remember I somehow got a mailer for Dordt College and I wasn't sure how they found me, but I was excited. They seemed perfect, and when I went for a visit, I fell in love. The campus was beautiful and small. All of the buildings were on one central square. The dorms and apartments were nice, and the welcoming attitude was encouraging. Everything that I experienced there was exactly how I wished it would be. So why didn't I go, if it was so perfect? I wish I could tell you that there was a big long list of cons, but in honesty, it came down to one- the cost. They are a private college, so they were almost twice the cost of a state school. One decision that I would change however was the choice to not verify my FAFSA with them. For whatever reason they wanted a little extra documentation and I set the notice aside and forgot about it until it was too late. One stupid choice led to a major outcome.

It's hard for me to sit here and not feel like I missed my boat. I wonder what my first two years of school would have been like if I had gone to the small Christian college that I had dreamed of instead of the public school where my class alone was more than 6,000 people. I think about the choices that I wouldn't have made because I wasn't even around the people who led me to making them. I think about all of the loneliness and the anger. The emptiness inside for a lack of purpose, the jumping from major to major and never feeling at home. Would I have found my path at Dordt?

I do think about the friends that I have made. I think about Salt Company and how great it almost always is for me. I think about the great experiences I've had there, but somehow those adventures don't outweigh the "what if?" feeling for me.

The worst part is that now I'm halfway through. I can't go forward and I can't go back. I have made binding decisions. I've committed to an apartment and a sorority. I have settled on a major- hopefully- and a schedule. And it's not to say that I'm not excited about any of those things, I just feel as though I don't belong there. My heart seems to be elsewhere, but I don't know where.  I'm stuck here.

Be More Heart, and Less Attack

As a follow up to my post last night I wanted to share some new thoughts.

I took the chance to listen to the album Rivers in the Wasteland again today. Start to finish. After hearing Bear talk about the struggles they've been through over the past year, it was obvious to me that every song was raw with emotion. Every song and every lyric held meaning and healing and lessons learned.

I didn't think it was possible to be this much in love with some songs or some band. I can feel their pain and their struggles. I have a newfound respect for these guys. I have loved them since I saw them for the first time at People's Court in 2009, but now after seeing them last night and watching their documentary about their rough times, something is different. The air between them was tangibly different on stage last night. They had a chemistry that I hadn't seen for a long time.

The song Brother holds a new meaning. Before they played it last night Bear said that it was a love song that Bo had written for him. Listening to the lyrics bring me to tears.

“Brother, let me be your shelter. I’ll never leave you all alone. I can be the one you call when you’re low.
Brother let me be your fortress when the night winds are driving home. Be the one to light the way, bring you home.”

Wasteland. Difference Maker. Rise Again. The Heart. More Heart, Less Attack.
All of these songs are so full of meaning and restoration.
I am encouraged. I am joyful.
When I said last night that it felt like some knew what I had been going through, I believe even more now that that is true. Sure, Bear doesn’t know who I am. He doesn’t know what I’ve been through. I get that. But I saw in his eyes what mine must have looked like for so long. I saw longing and pain, but I saw freedom and joy too.

"Slow to anger, quick to laugh. Be more heart, and less attack."

These guys and their music have saved me more than once and this time I think God is working through them to work on my heart. I almost didn't go to the concert last night but I did. And I'm so glad. And I know I was supposed to be there. My heart is full and I feel content.

Oh, Carolina

I left tonight's concert feeling better than I have in weeks. I feel fresh, new, rejuvenated. I almost feel- dare I say it- joyful! NeedToBreathe has been a band in my life for the last 6 years or so. In that time I have been to 5, now 6 concerts. I know nearly every song and EP that they have released. It's safe to say I'm a huge fan. I would even go as far as saying that they are my favorite band. The previous times I've seen them in concert have all been great, but this concert felt different. There was a different air about the boys tonight. Bear Rinehart- the lead singer, shared tonight about some very personal issues that he and his brother Bo had been having. The willingness to be open with a crowd of strangers was uplifting. And the true passion and love I heard in their voices when they sang Washed By the Water or Brother or Wasteland were all inspiring. These boys were serious tonight. We had fun for sure, but they were playing for keeps.

At previous shows I have been closer than I was tonight and I have even made eye contact with various members on occasion. Tonight though, when I caught Bear's eye during Oh Carolina, it was different. Maybe it's been my year or maybe it's been theirs, but I felt as though someone was looking at me and they just knew what I had been going through. I know it sounds silly. I know it sounds like I've just got a crush on the guy. And sure, Bear's attractive- I'll admit that, but I'm getting at something else. This concert moved me. I fought back tears several times. I came away feeling full and refreshed for the first time in ages. 

These guys have saved me time and time again with their music and I'm glad I got to see them tonight. I'm so blessed to have their music in my life and I know without a doubt that their words will remain with me for a long time.

Saturday Nights

Sometimes on nights like tonight I will be out around 9 o'clock or so and I will just be driving and I'll think about what I wish I could be doing. I'll wish that I was a character in one of those movies where the teenagers just go drive around town and laugh and have fun. I'll wish that I could just drive and have no responsibilities, have an experience that was just about me and finding myself. Just see how far the road takes me. That I would even have someone to ride alongside with me. Be able to have someone sit next to me and laugh with them or talk to them.

This coming week I have five days off- Tuesday through Saturday. If I had my choice I would take those five days I would travel just a little bit. Maybe I'd drive up to Minnesota or over to Chicago. I could even make it to Colorado for a day or two. The more I stay here in Iowa, the more stir-crazy I become. I have seen so little of y world and it fills me with sorrow. I think of the beautiful God made mountains I saw last summer and I yearn to them again, and to discover whats on the other side of them. I've seen the big city of New York, but only a small portion. I love my home, but I have a need to see more. God created this world to be discovered. If I could do one thing with my life it would be to travel to as many places as I could. When I graduate, I wish that I could take a year or two and just explore my home country. Is it so bold of me to want to strike out on my own? To explore and rely upon myself?

I am restless and I have at least two more years before I can go anywhere or just do anything.