That Familiar Feeling

It seems like every 4-6 months I have this itch to do something different. Sometimes it's satisfied with a shopping spree, or a change of hair color, but the only thing that really makes it go away is getting a new tattoo. I've explained away the feeling as an addiction to the needle, or as my "gypsy soul" making another appearance, but recently I had a significant realization: this feeling, this itch seems to become more pronounced when I am feeling out of control of my surroundings. When I am not happy with myself as a person, when I am not happy with the situation I am in, when I am perceiving myself to be stuck. Sure, the first couple were purely because I wanted them and I could and it was new, but since that time, every single one has been prefaced by the words, "ugh, I'm bored. Let's got get a tattoo." Which isn't the worst excuse in the world, when my alternatives would be wallowing or depression, and every tattoo has meaning for me. It's not like I'm going and getting burning skulls and upside down crosses on my body, but they are mostly marks of times of distress.

So I have 10 tattoos, and I have several that I want to get touched up before I get any new ones(look at me being responsible, ma!), and yesterday I had the money so I went to Color Works at Valley West Mall and had a little work done. The whole process is thrilling for me: the butterflies in the stomach, the laying on the table, the sting of the needle, riding the adrenaline high, walking away with something new and physical and changed. Now don't get me wrong, tattoos are not a walk in the park. I have several that hurt quite a bit, but as I was getting work done on my semi-colon yesterday, I was so relaxed in the chair, laying there looking up at the ceiling, hearing the buzz of the machine next to me, and I realized something else: this is almost like therapy for me. As I drove home and felt that familiar stinging feeling on my arms, like I had a bad sunburn, a smile drew across my lips. Maybe I'm an adrenaline junkie in small doses, but maybe I have an urge to be in control of a life that seems so out of my hands more often than not.

I find myself thinking about my urge to return to Disney. Is it possible that this thing that has plagued my thoughts, driven my life forward every day since I left, something that isn't good for me? Is it something that is unhealthy and depriving me of real happiness? I had heard of "Disney depression" before I left for my program, and vowed not to be one of those people who fell victim to it, and while I wouldn't say I'm depressed that I'm not there, I recognize that a great weight is on me. How could it be that the thing that brought me such fulfillment then, and promises to again, could be something toxic? I'm scared. I'm worried. I am nervous that I am seeing past all of the good I have here to find it elsewhere. Am I being childish? Am I being selfish? Am I not thinking logically? Surely there are people everywhere who want to return to Disney to pursue a career following their college program. I can't possibly be alone in this. But am I obsessed? I don't want to spend months and months pursuing something I should just let go, but then again- if it keeps showing up, then maybe it's not a waste of my time.

I'm looking for synchronicities, I'm looking for signs. Everything happens for a reason, and I am supposed to be here in Iowa right now, no matter how much it hurts or feels wrong. I wish I had the book of my life at my finger tips, a physical copy that I could page through. Maybe I don't really need to know the ending, but just an instruction manual. Something that tells me how to read myself and the situation, something that makes the options clear. I wish there was a counselor for this kind of thing.

As I unscramble my thoughts and work through the path, I hope to find answers. I want happiness and I am worried that a big part of Disney for me actually turned out to be Steve. Am I longing to return in hopes of a second chance? I don't think so. Could I work in the parking lot again knowing he's there? Maybe. All I'm asking the universe for is a chance to find out.

As my artist said, "All you need is gas to get there."

How Far I'll Go

I am a girl who loves her island, and the girl who loves the sea…it calls me!

I recently saw Moana in theaters (yes, yes, I know it’s been out since Thanksgiving. Whatever) and I pretty much cried the entire time. Now, as of late, I’ve been pretty emotional about just about everything, but this was different! Moana wasn’t just a sweet story of a girl who saved her island and her people while finding herself in the process, and it wasn’t just a wonderful way to include young girls of color all over the world with a beautiful Disney character to call their own: it was a story that spoke deeply to me personally.

And if the voice starts to whisper to follow the farthest star, Moana that voice inside is who you are…

Since returning home from Florida, my heart has not been here with me. The voice inside is calling me elsewhere, but I have felt tied to this place. I have struggled against myself, knowing this is where I should be but also knowing that I want so desperately to be elsewhere. Listening to the Moana soundtrack, and finally watching the movie was like seeing my own story play out before me. The underlying themes of “follow your heart,” and “find your happiness,” resonated so strongly with me that I spent many of the musical numbers wiping away tears. Not only in the music beautiful and tropical, but the lyrics are powerful and meaningful. The message the movie teaches young children in amazing: be who you are, despite the forces trying to keep you tied down, and the message it taught me was powerful and altering: don’t be afraid of the voice inside you urging you to listen.

Every turn I take, every trail I track, every path I make, every road leads back…

Am I making this a bigger deal than it is? I have believed in destiny and fate for a long time- everything happens for a reason. During my senior year of high school, all anyone could talk about was what you going to do with your life. What are you going to do? Who are you going to become? What are you going to study? And then, throughout college, I had this underlying thought that I had to discover who I was, and I had to do it in 4 years time. When it started to become apparent that it was going to take me longer than 4 years to complete school, I began to worry that I was defective, and when I reached my junior year and I still didn’t know what I wanted to do after graduation, I worried that I wasn’t trying hard enough. What is wrong with me? Will I ever figure it out? Will I ever be happy? Then: Disney.

I have never felt more content in my choices, more at home, or more happy than when I was at Disney working in the parking lot. And sure, maybe immediately after arriving I was scared and homesick and annoyed by my job placement, but hindsight is 20-20 and I wouldn’t change those six months for anything. I was talking to my tattoo artist the other day and explaining how amazing it was to finally have this feeling of satisfaction, to have this one thing that I want to chase. I went years without an idea of what I wanted to do after school, and now, as silly as it is, I have this thing sitting in front of me that calls me. I worried when I came home and I still worry now: is this childish? Am I yearning for something that is now part of my past and should stay there? I think though that if I believe everything happens for a reason, then I have to believe that this voice inside is not just taking up space.

And the call isn’t out there at all, it’s inside me…

Disney isn’t calling me, my own heart is calling for happiness. For the first time, I found something that made me feel fulfilled and content, and I can’t turn back and pretend I don’t know what that feels like. I was helping people, creating happiness, and I was having fun. So maybe I need to set my sights higher- is it Disney I want or is it another job that fills those requirements? Would I settle for a job in the parks, or would I want to rise within the company? So many possibilities, so many opportunities. The one thing I am absolutely certain of: I need to listen to the voice inside. Trying to keep it quiet only makes it louder, and pretending it isn’t there only makes me more restless. I may not know the way just yet, but it’s time to see how far I’ll go.

Dreaming of Home

Up until fairly recently, when I would begin to feel homesick or overwhelmed in my daily life, I would find myself missing my old home on Holcomb. Wishing that I could turn back time and live in the innocence of my younger years, just have the chance to enjoy my childhood home one last time- and no, that most definitely wasn't a Hamilton reference. While I was down in Florida for my program, I felt homesick for people(peoplesick?), and I developed a way to help me work through the restless nights where sleep evaded me. In my mind, I had created a safe space, a quiet room to lock myself in when the voices wouldn't shut up and thoughts wouldn't stop racing. This little room resembled the inside of my childhood home- the pale yellow walls of the dining room, the small blue kitchen leading out to a garden filled with good-smelling flowers. The walls were lined with book shelves and the room held two very comfy couches. It never failed, and still doesn't, that when I'm having a restless night I can retreat to my hideaway and fall asleep without much further fuss. 

So maybe since I gave my home a permanent residence in my mind or since I have given the memory a purpose, that is why I don't find myself longing for it when I'm sad anymore. Instead, now I dream of Disney. I long for the apartment on Meadow Creek Drive, for the scratchy and obnoxious costumes, and for the moment’s I shared with the people around me. If I concentrate, I swear I can smell the parking lot (for better or for worse) and I can feel the Florida sun on my skin and I hear Wishes playing the background. There’s no doubt that Disney feels like home to me now, or that someday I will return, but at the same time I know that when I return it will be a different experience. It won’t be my first time striking out on my own and I’ll know what to do differently. It’s easy to look at my longing for my childhood home and say, “well you were too young to appreciate all that you had.” And that’s true! I didn’t know what would happen to that home, that it would be impossible for me to return one day, and even if I had known I would have been to young still to take in every moment objectively. However, Disney I have no excuse for. I went into that adventure wanting to take advantage of every opportunity that came my way, eager not to waste a single moment, I wrote my first blog post on the airplane waiting to touch down in Florida. Then, somewhere between my first (semi-disastrous) day and mid-April, I forgot to be an active part of my surroundings, and now I sit here and regret all of the time that I wasted sitting on the couch in 3404. I packed so much into my last two months there, but just imagine all of the memories I could have made if I jumped headfirst into making friends, visiting the parks, and traveling around the area. The memories I did make during my time at Disney far outweigh the bad parts, and maybe even the regrets, but I’m trying to be okay with how I spent my time- especially now.

Missing my home, longing for a time when I was less stressed and far less weighed down by my impending future… why didn’t I take advantage of all that the DCP had to offer? Maybe that would be a good post: “What not to do on your college program.” I met amazing people, soul mates and people who changed my life forever. I made memories as an adult at a place that made me feel like a child again. And maybe that’s why it has become the new focus of my longing, because it made me feel innocent and protected again. I felt safe and happy and fulfilled at Disney, something I hadn’t felt in a long time. I was talking to my tattoo artist yesterday and was explaining how amazing it felt to finally have something that I really wanted to do after all of the confusion. How it kind of came out of nowhere, but all the same, there it was. I’m working on contentment this year, and this particular issue is near the top of the list, if not the first item. I want to be okay with where I am, but I want to be happy with where I have been. I can manipulate my future, I can change my surroundings and my circumstances, but I absolutely cannot roll back the clock. I must learn to be satisfied by my past, learn from any mistakes I think I have made, and make the necessary changes to ensure my future is what I want it to be.

This post got away from me a little, I feel as though I have been rambling and not making a whole lot of sense. I’m distracted and unfocused today, but I know that my heart has been heavy with this topic as of lately. I gave the house on Holcomb a purpose, so perhaps I need to give Disney a purpose too. Maybe it’s time that I try to make Waiting for Walt into something more than just a journal, but something to reach others. After all, isn’t that I feel called to do, at my core? Reach others, help others. I think it’s time that I take responsibility for my surroundings and take the chances I want to take. Here’s to jumping, falling, and succeeding!

Transitions

Nearly two months ago (it does seem longer than that) I found out that I would not be returning to Disney as part of the Spring College Program and it left a hole in my life that I couldn't explain nor fill. I had been floating through the months since returning home, holding onto the thought that soon I would be reunited with the friends I loved and with the job I longed for. Now, 60 days later and it seems I even farther from that truth than I was when I first started.

After being denied for the program, I applied for a full-time job with Disney and I was in fact offered a position as a Quick Service Food and Beverage Cast Member at the Caribbean Beach Resort. Unfortunately, I was unable to accept this job due to many factors, and now I must live with the consequences of my impulsivity. Had I been patient and thoughtful in my grieving process I think I would have found that it was okay for me to stay at home for a while. I think I would have eventually found comfort, and instead I have caused myself and others more heartache than perhaps necessary. On the other hand however, perhaps I needed this event to truly remind me that feeding my impulsive side is not always the answer.

It's always hard to wait for something you really want, but if it's worth having then it is worth waiting for. My impulsive nature and the voice inside my head that is often restless make me who I am, but I think it is important to learn how to satisfy those feelings in a controlled way. Putting limits on myself so I can learn how to explore and not also throw everything I have out the window. I was ready to move halfway across the country at the drop of a hat for something, and for someone, that I was not financially or even mentally prepared for.

So here I am in Des Moines, Iowa, sitting in a coffee shop on the edge of the interstate. 1,341 miles from where I want to be, but exactly where I need to be. I think it is important to give the transitions in our lives the appropriate room they need to grow and fully blossom. The big moments, the cornerstone events, those will be the ones we talk about with our friends, but the time between those moments is where we will find ourselves. It's where the growing and the healing happen and where we will learn patience, love, and endurance. If I am truly brave and resolute, then I have learned those things from the walking in-between (thank you, Ben Rector).

Walt worked for what he had, he didn't just wake up one day and suddenly he was the man behind the mouse. It took trial and error, mistake after mistake, and many periods of transition. I am setting my sights on goals this year, and one of those goals is to be content with where I am in my life. Everything will come in its perfect timing. Walt will be patiently waiting for me, and so I will too.

Thank you, Alexander; Thank you, Lin

Alexander Hamilton would have been 260 years old today, and I can't help but wonder what he would think about the hit Broadway musical that now carries on his legacy.

What is a legacy?

I've come a long way in the last year, and I've learned so much about who I am and who I hope to be. I can only ever hope that each year that follows is as full of adventure, growth and love as 2016 was.

It's planting seeds in a garden you never get to see...

I am brave, true, and resolute. These three things I have learned are certain. And yes, I have known that I was brave on some level, and even loyal. Resolute was new to me, but it's just as a part of me as the rest. It took moving half way across the country, 1200 miles from my friends and my family and my home to make me realize that I am stronger than I ever could imagine.

At the beginning of 2016, I spent six months working at Walt Disney World and while there I met a handful of people who challenged my soul and who affirmed my importance. Nothing quite tests your inner strength more than removing yourself from your safety net and just jumping, but nothing gives you more freedom, either. I was immensely homesick, and then I learned how to love deeply and find happiness within myself. The friends, now family, I met while in Florida will forever play a part in the story of my life.

Raise a glass to freedom, something they can never take away...

Returning home, I was worried that I was going to leave my happiness in Florida. That the small shell of a girl who lost her first true love would be the only thing I found upon my arrival back in Iowa. But something happens inside a person when they experience freedom, real spiritual freedom. I have long since removed myself from the church in any traditional sense, but I have always known that something bigger than myself existed in the universe. I realized that the universe was calling to me, so not only did I find freedom from the home I had know and also professional freedom, but I know that I found spiritual freedom in my experience at Disney. Home has been a challenge; it feels kind of like trying to force a puzzle piece into the wrong spot. I have experienced freedom, and no one can take that away. Trying to re-cage my soul is not going to work. And so instead of forcing the puzzle piece to fit somewhere it doesn't belong, I've decided that I need to take a step back and look at the bigger picture. This year is going to be about discovery and healing. Every year from here on out will be for me, every moment will be lived in search of finding happiness, contentment, and freedom.

Life doesn't discriminate between the sinners and the saints...

So that brings us back to Hamilton, and the influence the musical and the man has had on my life in the months since I've been home. Alexander Hamilton was non-stop, he refused to sit back and let the world pass him by. He knew what he wanted and he took it. So this year as I learn to find my purpose and my place in this big universe, I'm going to challenge my inner Hamilton. I'm going to learn as much as I can, I'm going to take what I can get, and I'm going to work for what I don't have. I'm going to keep my head up and take each moment as it comes. Alexander faced some pretty tough times, granted some he brought upon himself, but nevertheless he came out on the other side.

In my search for freedom and happiness, I am looking to the world around me for signs. I firmly believe everything happens for a reason, and I believe that some things are just too much to be a coincidence. After struggling through the last two weeks of December, on the first of the year I found a ten dollar bill in my till at work that had the words "one day at a time," written on it. To me, it was a clear sign; maybe one from the universe, maybe one from the founding father himself. Either way, my new mantra.

So goodbye to 2016, and all that you taught me, and hello to 2017 and all that you have yet to show me. Let me remember my worth, and my happiness, and my freedom.

One day at a time.