Yeah, that was definitely a title reference to that one Walking Dead episode, 18 Miles Out. Get over it. I'm in a funk. I have been for a while. I've been able to write for WfW a little bit, but not much here. I definitely lost my two week advantage. I'm three weeks out from my last post here and three weeks out from the day I leave Iowa. Wow.
26 short days stand between me and what I think is my dream??? What the Hell was I ever thinking? Someone? ANYONE? Nah, okay that's cool.
It's not that bad. I was going to be taking this time off anyway. And if I hate it, I can come home. Maybe I'll live with mom instead of dad then. It's not like I feel hopeless or fucked or anything along those lines. I'm pretty excited and I am so thrilled to be going back. But I think I'm more scared this time, at least in a different way. I was scared to leave my friends and family last time, and to leave my home but now I know I can do those things. I can be away from the people I love and maintain relationships and I can have more than one place to call my home, more than one place that calls my name. I am really going to miss Iowa in Spring, and the State Fair, and the I-Cubs. I'm going to miss those things but I know I will be okay.
What is getting to me now is that I might fail. I don't want to, I don't want to prove everyone right. Everyone who insisted that I go to school and "finish strong" to get that degree! Gee! I'm tired and snarky today. I feel empty, emotionless actually. I feel like I'm forcing these words from my fingers. I'm rambling. I don't want to be a bad example, a cautionary tale. I don't want to be a good example either! "Oh look there, she did it without, and she did it well." I just want to live and not be viewed through 1,000 lenses. When I came home, I felt new and revived. On top of the world and alive. Now I feel sapped and exhausted.
No one would go to the Cubs game with me tonight and it felt really important. I wanted to go and see the new boys, the up and comers. I wanted to sit in the setting sun and enjoy the atmosphere. I wanted more to say when I know I should be staying quiet. I should be leaving him alone, even though he gave me permission. Kind of. Baseball talk is allowed and I stepped outside of those lines yesterday and I feel bad. I didn't mean to. I figured Ben and Bre were fair territory. I want to turn back time, I want to not feel sad, I want to not be sitting here listening to the playlist titled "effie" and remembering everything. I want to not be playing "Please Remember Me" on repeat. I want a lot.
I'm sitting here at Smokey Row trying not to cry because of all the things I want and can't yet have. You'd think I would be happy that one piece of the puzzle seems to be falling into place. I need to find peace, I need to make a plan. I need to set goals and make steps and strides. I don't know if I'll ever feel "accomplished" or "finished" but I want to stop sitting and wallowing. Steve wanted so much more for me and I should live up to that. Hell, even Noah wanted more for me. If only he could see me now.
Make a plan, then let the plan worry. Don't lose the thread. And.. but...
My heart hurts, but I have to keep moving forward. Maybe this is a lost day. Maybe this is a pitiful day. Either way, I have to keep going. In 26 days my life is going to take a new, drastic, exciting, terrifying, amazing turn.
