I told Steve today.
It was harder than I had imagined it would be. Talking to MacKenzie convinced me that I needed to tell him before he heard it from someone else. After the time spent together, it would have been far worse to hear it through gossip than by my own mouth.
So I told him, after not hearing from in a month, which was hard too, but something I had come to be okay with as part of the process. I din't hardly expect to hear from him at all, and when he did reply I was surprised, struck by how distant it was. I'm reading too much into it, after all I did deliver some not-so-savory news.
The hardest part for me had always been the loss of a friend. Not only did someone get hurt, but a connection was lost. Mario and I prove that after time, exes can be cordial and friendly and exist within the same circles, but it's not like we go out of the way to talk to one another. We once were part of each other's lives, and that time has passed. Noah will likely be one that I don't see or speak to again, and perhaps that hurts worse than the rest because how can you go from something so great to nothing at all?
Time will tell if Steve and I can exist in the same circles. We have some of the same friends, we will soon work for the same company once again, it's not as if it will be impossible to hear our names or of our comings and goings.
The text and the reply brought everything back to the surface, after this silent month of moving forward and hoping for the best, I hear from him. He wasn't just a figment of my imagination, but someone who is real and exists not only in a world I once knew, but in a world that I live in too.
I am sad. Sad for the lost moments, for the forgotten friends. Sad for the ending.
Monday, February 27, 2017
Saturday, February 25, 2017
You're Welcome
Lately the loneliness has been creeping back in, and it's been hard to pinpoint and tackle. It's not the depression this time though, because that battle has been won for the time being- I found Hamilton, I found Moana, I'm going home.
This is the loneliness that comes from the lack of being loved and cared for. I'm not talking about friends, because I know I have found them in spades. Im talking about the deep romantic, all consuming, life changing love that fills your heart. I've had that exactly once, and I am longing for it now. I miss knowing someone is out there pulling for me, I miss thinking about someone and hoping their day is going well. I miss checking in, hanging out, being together.
And because I've had this all-consuming love just once, I have but one relationship to reflect on, but that's not fair to me, because I can glamorize the memories all I want but it doesn't change the truth. I can remember the good times and black out the bad, I can pretend he didn't say the things he did, I can imagine a timeline in which we were perfectly happy forever, but that doesn't change that he lied and destroyed me. It was bad. It may have been good once, at the beginning, the very start, but it wasn't good at the end. I don't necessarily miss him, but I miss what we were and how I felt. I miss stargazing, laying in bed on Sunday morning listening to the birds, cooking meals, talking about our projects.
It was all so easy, effortless.
I think I could have had it a second time. I think I was close, within reach. And, but I had to go home to move my life along and the 1300 miles took its toll. I fought against it so hard but in the end I was the one who withdrew this time.
That's all I want- easy, effortless, comfortable. It felt so right to just be near Noah, and sometimes it would be very nice to have a partner. A shoulder to lean on that was always on my side, another human who was always physically there, someone to help share the load. This isn't about friendship, this is about companionship and being scared of being alone in this life. I like my independence, but I'm willing to share.
It was hard to let him go because he was everything I needed then, until he wasn't. I can romanticize it, but I shouldn't, because it wouldn't be true. I want to be held, I want to be put at ease, and I wish I could turn this off because it's damn distracting.
This is the loneliness that comes from the lack of being loved and cared for. I'm not talking about friends, because I know I have found them in spades. Im talking about the deep romantic, all consuming, life changing love that fills your heart. I've had that exactly once, and I am longing for it now. I miss knowing someone is out there pulling for me, I miss thinking about someone and hoping their day is going well. I miss checking in, hanging out, being together.
And because I've had this all-consuming love just once, I have but one relationship to reflect on, but that's not fair to me, because I can glamorize the memories all I want but it doesn't change the truth. I can remember the good times and black out the bad, I can pretend he didn't say the things he did, I can imagine a timeline in which we were perfectly happy forever, but that doesn't change that he lied and destroyed me. It was bad. It may have been good once, at the beginning, the very start, but it wasn't good at the end. I don't necessarily miss him, but I miss what we were and how I felt. I miss stargazing, laying in bed on Sunday morning listening to the birds, cooking meals, talking about our projects.
It was all so easy, effortless.
I think I could have had it a second time. I think I was close, within reach. And, but I had to go home to move my life along and the 1300 miles took its toll. I fought against it so hard but in the end I was the one who withdrew this time.
That's all I want- easy, effortless, comfortable. It felt so right to just be near Noah, and sometimes it would be very nice to have a partner. A shoulder to lean on that was always on my side, another human who was always physically there, someone to help share the load. This isn't about friendship, this is about companionship and being scared of being alone in this life. I like my independence, but I'm willing to share.
It was hard to let him go because he was everything I needed then, until he wasn't. I can romanticize it, but I shouldn't, because it wouldn't be true. I want to be held, I want to be put at ease, and I wish I could turn this off because it's damn distracting.
Friday, February 24, 2017
May We All
Nine days ago I received and accepted a position with the Walt Disney Company for a second program in the College Program, and I have been riding the high that came with the email since then! Since I returned to Iowa in August, I have been homesick for the place that taught me about happiness and real magic, about bravery and adventure. It's hard to believe that after the heartbreak and uncertainty, I really get to go back.
In the last six months, I have applied and been denied for the Spring Program, a set-back that felt like a personal failure. I have experienced heartache at the loss of someone I cared for greatly, and the future of our relationship is yet uncertain. I have applied for (and received) but had to turn down a part-time position with the very same company I have missed desperately, realizing that not everything can be forced. I have made things for difficult for myself, I have learned some hard lessons, and I have been granted the privilege of my life to go back to where I feel I need to be.
Some will say that I am not doing the right thing, that I need to buckle down and finish my time here at school. To those people, I ask if you have ever followed your heart or your gut to somewhere unexpected? I don't mean this in a rude or condescending way, but rather from a truly curious human to another. Have you never felt a longing for a place or a season of life or even a person, something so undeniable that makes you wonder if you really should drop everything and go? Have you ever stopped your life to follow that feeling? Maybe if you haven't followed that feeling, or if you haven't experienced it, then you cannot relate to where I am, and maybe the temptation will be to pass it off on my youth and inexperience. Yes, I am 23. I am young, wild, kind of flighty, and fighting for my independence, but I have learned and I know beyond a doubt that things have a way of working out the way they are supposed to. I am following a feeling that is telling me to push onward and chase this dream. Maybe I'll arrive and realize it was all a mirage, that my last program was as perfect as it will ever be, and I can return home in January having not lost anything. Maybe I'll realize I have made a huge mistake and self-term and come home early. Maybe it will take me 5-7 years before I finish my degree because I'm sick of making magic with Disney. Just maybe, I will find my happiness and my purpose at a company that brings joy to every life it touches. I cannot see the future, but I can listen to the Universe and I can follow my heart and trust that everything that happens will happen in its own perfect timing, for a set purpose.
However, I have been so caught up in getting away from here and getting there, that I have forgotten the things I will be leaving behind when I go. I never expected to miss HyVee, but the other night at work, I told one of my managers about leaving and he made a comment about how everyone likes me there. It suddenly hit me that the people I was so nervous to get to know will be people that I genuinely am sad to leave behind. Sitting here at Smokey Row this evening I realized that I will be leaving my writing space and my favorite tea behind as well (I'm making a mental note to find a cafe ASAP upon arrival).
While this place is my home, Disney is where my heart resides. I have never felt a pull quite as strong as the one that is guiding me back there, and I intend to follow this string until the end of the line. My only hope is that I will find contentment in my journey. That I can continue to give my worries and trepidation to the Universe and trust in the greater powers that be. This second chance is sure to be meaningful and full of synchronicities, overflowing with lessons and memories made, and I just want to be able to take it all in and appreciate every moment- high, low, and in-between.
So here's to Walt, to his dream and mine, to the future, and to magic!
Yeah, you learn to fly and if you can't then you just free-fall. May we all...
Saturday, February 11, 2017
Perfect Timing
One year ago, I left for Disney.
Going back and reading some of the things I wrote when I was sitting on the tarmac waiting for my plane to take off, I can't believe how insightful I was, even then, and how I truly had no idea what lay ahead.
This last week on Tuesday, I had six moments, six little nudges from the Universe. The first two came in separate packages that I helped ship to Bradenton, the town where Nick and Sarah Sirriani live now. While Bradenton is a good two hours from Orlando, it still triggered memories of St. Pete beach and Florida itself. Later, in the break room, a commercial for Disney played on the game show channel. In the evening, a song that I frequently sang on the back of the trams played over the store radio- Something Beautiful by NeedToBreathe. Once I was home I saw two more commercials, one on the Food Network, and one on the History Channel. Walt was everywhere that day. I texted my friend who has introduced me to nudges and synchronicities and the Universe in general to tell him about all of the things that had happened that day and he replied, "Man, Disney is coming to get you," and I knew immediately that he was right.
Sure, maybe if you are looking for something then you're going to see it more often. Like when you get a new car, and then see that car everywhere. But there's something to be said for the coincidence, or lack thereof, of it all. I have believed that everything happens for a reason for years- before, during, and after my church days. Long before I attributed anything to God, and since I have stopped calling it by that name, I have known that I am not in control. That something greater is in charge. That is a whole other post, a whole other topic for discussion, but either way, the Universe is calling me and guiding me to people, places, and things. I know that as surely as I know the sun will rise tomorrow morning.
So in going back to my first post where I was writing about being excited and nervous to go on this journey, back before I was calling it anything other than coincidence, I see evidence of the Universe working me, showing and guiding the way. I knew from the beginning that those six months wouldn't just be a vacation, they would be so much more for me. Maybe I was imagining stories of visiting the parks to share with my children, and instead I now have stories of strength and lessons learned to draw on, but nevertheless there are moments that will not be forgotten. Three months after I came home, and now another three months down the road, I still have the same burning desire to return and to make the same magic for others that I experienced every time I walked under the train tunnel onto Main Street.
All that's left is the waiting.
Four months ago I applied for the Spring program and I was denied. Three weeks ago I applied for the Fall program and have successfully completed the interview and application process for now the third time. I am (impatiently) waiting to hear back, and while it's going to be another four weeks at least, I am not as desperately anxious as I was in October. That decision was spur of the moment and desperate, a last ditch effort to do something I wanted, and the Universe turned me down. This time was given a minute's more thought, and this time seems somewhat different. I have a plan in place, and it's for me, not for a relationship I'm trying to hold on to or friends I'm trying to be with. I know that if I am turned down for this program then the Universe is directing me to stay here in Iowa and finish my degree at Iowa State, and while I may be disappointed that it's not yet time, I can trust that more is yet to come.
One day at a time, is all I can really hope for. One day after another will bring me closer to my goals and my dreams. I have a plan and I am letting the plan worry. Maybe, like so often, this plan will be shot all to Hell, but maybe I'll learn how to pick up the pieces and keep moving forward. That's all I can ask for, is that I can learn and keep pushing on.
Going back and reading some of the things I wrote when I was sitting on the tarmac waiting for my plane to take off, I can't believe how insightful I was, even then, and how I truly had no idea what lay ahead.
This last week on Tuesday, I had six moments, six little nudges from the Universe. The first two came in separate packages that I helped ship to Bradenton, the town where Nick and Sarah Sirriani live now. While Bradenton is a good two hours from Orlando, it still triggered memories of St. Pete beach and Florida itself. Later, in the break room, a commercial for Disney played on the game show channel. In the evening, a song that I frequently sang on the back of the trams played over the store radio- Something Beautiful by NeedToBreathe. Once I was home I saw two more commercials, one on the Food Network, and one on the History Channel. Walt was everywhere that day. I texted my friend who has introduced me to nudges and synchronicities and the Universe in general to tell him about all of the things that had happened that day and he replied, "Man, Disney is coming to get you," and I knew immediately that he was right.
Sure, maybe if you are looking for something then you're going to see it more often. Like when you get a new car, and then see that car everywhere. But there's something to be said for the coincidence, or lack thereof, of it all. I have believed that everything happens for a reason for years- before, during, and after my church days. Long before I attributed anything to God, and since I have stopped calling it by that name, I have known that I am not in control. That something greater is in charge. That is a whole other post, a whole other topic for discussion, but either way, the Universe is calling me and guiding me to people, places, and things. I know that as surely as I know the sun will rise tomorrow morning.
So in going back to my first post where I was writing about being excited and nervous to go on this journey, back before I was calling it anything other than coincidence, I see evidence of the Universe working me, showing and guiding the way. I knew from the beginning that those six months wouldn't just be a vacation, they would be so much more for me. Maybe I was imagining stories of visiting the parks to share with my children, and instead I now have stories of strength and lessons learned to draw on, but nevertheless there are moments that will not be forgotten. Three months after I came home, and now another three months down the road, I still have the same burning desire to return and to make the same magic for others that I experienced every time I walked under the train tunnel onto Main Street.
All that's left is the waiting.
Four months ago I applied for the Spring program and I was denied. Three weeks ago I applied for the Fall program and have successfully completed the interview and application process for now the third time. I am (impatiently) waiting to hear back, and while it's going to be another four weeks at least, I am not as desperately anxious as I was in October. That decision was spur of the moment and desperate, a last ditch effort to do something I wanted, and the Universe turned me down. This time was given a minute's more thought, and this time seems somewhat different. I have a plan in place, and it's for me, not for a relationship I'm trying to hold on to or friends I'm trying to be with. I know that if I am turned down for this program then the Universe is directing me to stay here in Iowa and finish my degree at Iowa State, and while I may be disappointed that it's not yet time, I can trust that more is yet to come.
One day at a time, is all I can really hope for. One day after another will bring me closer to my goals and my dreams. I have a plan and I am letting the plan worry. Maybe, like so often, this plan will be shot all to Hell, but maybe I'll learn how to pick up the pieces and keep moving forward. That's all I can ask for, is that I can learn and keep pushing on.
Friday, February 3, 2017
Walking The Path
One of my goals for this year was to write at least once a week on my blog so that by year end I would have 52 posts and a pretty good chronicle of my year. 2017 promises to be a year for me- everything is coming up Effie- and I want to make sure to document this. Something about the first month of the year already feels different. I feel stronger, more sure of myself. I am excited to be going to the gym and taking care of myself(with the exception of the last couple days), which is a new feeling. I think I finally found the motivation I need, something inside seems to have shifted from "ugh, this is something that I have to do," to "this is something good for me so I will find joy in it." I can see myself getting healthy and I want to pursue that vision as something that will make my life better, not as something that feels like a cultural expectation. I'm particularly happy with this development.
One of my other goals, one of the major ones, has been to find happiness and contentment in my day to day existence. Learn how to be excited for the future and still be fulfilled by where I currently am in life. I can say that this too has been going better than I expected, and for that I am thankful. With the beginning of the year, on literal day one, I found my inspiration and I sensed a shift in my attitude as well as a shedding of the things that had been weighing me down in the last weeks of 2016. I am still deeply saddened by my recent separation, and I am still nervous for what the future may hold as far as when I will finish school or be able to return to Florida, but somehow I am able to push through those dark thoughts to seek a greater happiness. Now there have been a couple of days that were overwhelming, I won't lie and say it's all been peaches and cream, but they seem less consuming overall than I have experienced in the past. It's important for me to be able to take over my life, because something I realized recently through one of my outlets is that I don't feel in control often enough. And yes, while I believe the Universe has ultimate control over outcomes, I also think that we guide those outcomes to reality. So to take ownership of my choices, of my attitude, gives me control in my life that I was previously brushing off.
"Well if it was going to happen anyway, then I guess I have to be upset about it."
I refuse to be a slave to the feelings of despair and hopelessness that I have previously fallen victim to. I know that I have a real medical issue, one that comes from a lack of the proper chemicals in my brain. I know that I can't always just flip a switch and make it all better, but I can take responsibility for my actions and attitude. I don't have to wallow, I don't have to be 100% sunshine either. I have given myself permission to feel my feelings, whatever they may be, and then move forward trusting that the Universe remains in power.
I touched on it before, but I want to pursue the vision of myself that I keep in my mind. Not the one the world says I need to be, not the one that might be expected of me from the cultural norms, but the one that makes me smile and think, "Now that is how I imagine my life to be." Currently, that vision includes returning to Disney and following that dream. It means losing some weight so that I feel healthier in my own skin. I envision someone who walks through her days thankful for everything she has traversed knowing that it has all brought her to this one moment.
I have come to really appreciate the days that I can take to come write at Smokey Row. The chance to sit and relax has been healing in ways I didn't expect. I knew that I was a pretty good writer, I have always enjoyed writing stories about myself or papers in school, but I haven't pursued it with much vigor. I find now that I have committed to once a week, I can't wait for the chance to come here. I like getting out of the house and being part of this environment. I feel creative and free, as though I'm satisfying some thirst in my soul that I didn't know existed.
I'm very excited to see where this year takes me, I'm so looking forward to my life.
The tunnel has been long and dark, the light at the end has been dimmed and blackened out several times, and now I am finally on the other side. Many years of pain and hurt I think can finally be set behind me in a positive way. As we walk the paths of our lives we come to many tunnels, and hopefully many more trails in the open air. It's not one long fight through the darkness, though it may seem that way at times. I choose my outcomes, I choose my reality, I will make my life what I want it to be. So I am choosing to see myself on the other side of this long tunnel. There's no reason why I still have to be in it, or why I should be "almost there" instead of "been there, done that." I am feeling the freedom of walking in the sunshine, enjoying the fresh air, and stopping to smell the peonies on the side of the road.
One of my other goals, one of the major ones, has been to find happiness and contentment in my day to day existence. Learn how to be excited for the future and still be fulfilled by where I currently am in life. I can say that this too has been going better than I expected, and for that I am thankful. With the beginning of the year, on literal day one, I found my inspiration and I sensed a shift in my attitude as well as a shedding of the things that had been weighing me down in the last weeks of 2016. I am still deeply saddened by my recent separation, and I am still nervous for what the future may hold as far as when I will finish school or be able to return to Florida, but somehow I am able to push through those dark thoughts to seek a greater happiness. Now there have been a couple of days that were overwhelming, I won't lie and say it's all been peaches and cream, but they seem less consuming overall than I have experienced in the past. It's important for me to be able to take over my life, because something I realized recently through one of my outlets is that I don't feel in control often enough. And yes, while I believe the Universe has ultimate control over outcomes, I also think that we guide those outcomes to reality. So to take ownership of my choices, of my attitude, gives me control in my life that I was previously brushing off.
"Well if it was going to happen anyway, then I guess I have to be upset about it."
I refuse to be a slave to the feelings of despair and hopelessness that I have previously fallen victim to. I know that I have a real medical issue, one that comes from a lack of the proper chemicals in my brain. I know that I can't always just flip a switch and make it all better, but I can take responsibility for my actions and attitude. I don't have to wallow, I don't have to be 100% sunshine either. I have given myself permission to feel my feelings, whatever they may be, and then move forward trusting that the Universe remains in power.
I touched on it before, but I want to pursue the vision of myself that I keep in my mind. Not the one the world says I need to be, not the one that might be expected of me from the cultural norms, but the one that makes me smile and think, "Now that is how I imagine my life to be." Currently, that vision includes returning to Disney and following that dream. It means losing some weight so that I feel healthier in my own skin. I envision someone who walks through her days thankful for everything she has traversed knowing that it has all brought her to this one moment.
I have come to really appreciate the days that I can take to come write at Smokey Row. The chance to sit and relax has been healing in ways I didn't expect. I knew that I was a pretty good writer, I have always enjoyed writing stories about myself or papers in school, but I haven't pursued it with much vigor. I find now that I have committed to once a week, I can't wait for the chance to come here. I like getting out of the house and being part of this environment. I feel creative and free, as though I'm satisfying some thirst in my soul that I didn't know existed.
I'm very excited to see where this year takes me, I'm so looking forward to my life.
The tunnel has been long and dark, the light at the end has been dimmed and blackened out several times, and now I am finally on the other side. Many years of pain and hurt I think can finally be set behind me in a positive way. As we walk the paths of our lives we come to many tunnels, and hopefully many more trails in the open air. It's not one long fight through the darkness, though it may seem that way at times. I choose my outcomes, I choose my reality, I will make my life what I want it to be. So I am choosing to see myself on the other side of this long tunnel. There's no reason why I still have to be in it, or why I should be "almost there" instead of "been there, done that." I am feeling the freedom of walking in the sunshine, enjoying the fresh air, and stopping to smell the peonies on the side of the road.
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