"So long self, well its been fun."
What I have been is not who I am or who I will be.
I am not a drinker or a partyer. I am not someone who gets upset over small things at the drop of a hat. I am not someone who seeks attention from boys who don't care about Jesus or me.
I have been these things, but I will not be them anymore. I will be someone who will seek God to comfort and fulfil me rather than these fleeting things. I will be someone who will wait patiently for the Lord to work in my life however He sees fit.
That was the last straw my old friend. I am not and I will not be that person anymore.
"Keep the earth below my feet. For all my sweat, my blood runs weak. Let me learn from where I have been. Keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn."
Friday, January 24, 2014
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
New Eyes
On Monday night, I went to the first chapter meeting for Phi Beta Chi of the semester. I am beyond excited to start recruitment in a week and welcome any new girls into our sisterhood. Earlier in the day, I had run into one of the girls from my old connection group at the beginning of the year, and she mentioned that I should stop by the room when I was done with my evening activities. I was hesitant to do so, but Kaylee and Liz welcomed me as well as all of the girls. I arrived just in time for Kaylee to give us notecard booklets so that we could memorize scripture. It was such a sweet gift and I didn't feel like I deserved one since I hadn't really been able to be a part of the group. I was able to help everyone pick out a theme verse for the group for the semester- Hebrews 10:24-25.
"And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another- and all the more as you go see the Day approaching."
I really enjoy this verse and its message. It applies to me and it encourages me to continue to find ways to connect with these girls who I met at the beginning of the year, and to find other opportunities to meeting with other Christians who will build me up. Tonight, I plan on going to Kaylee's roommate's connection group. For the first time in a long time, I'm excited about what God is doing. I'm wanting to pursue this road with Him.
"And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another- and all the more as you go see the Day approaching."
I really enjoy this verse and its message. It applies to me and it encourages me to continue to find ways to connect with these girls who I met at the beginning of the year, and to find other opportunities to meeting with other Christians who will build me up. Tonight, I plan on going to Kaylee's roommate's connection group. For the first time in a long time, I'm excited about what God is doing. I'm wanting to pursue this road with Him.
Monday, January 13, 2014
To Be Like You
"Oh to be like You, give all I have just to know You."
I got to see how my choices have been affecting someone last night. On Saturday night I hung out with some friends, and we had the intention of going to a party, but it was cancelled last minute. My roommate hung out for a bit, but left pretty quickly. She shared with me that she felt pretty out of place, and even judged that she wasn't drinking and I immediately was reminded of when I had felt the same way. Some pretty stupid stuff happened while we were all hanging out, the kind of stuff that's funny at the time, but that someone would probably regret in the morning. After sharing what some of our friends had done, my roommate shared with me again that she doesn't understand why they all do that(drink), that she doesn't understand the joy they find in it. She told me she doesn't understand why they can't seem to have fun without it. As she was talking, I realized that I used to share those same thoughts. Going into this fall, I kept assuring her and telling her to share with her parents that I don't drink, I don't do stupid things. Now here I am, the first weekend back from break, right in the middle of it all again. And this time, I've thrown my roommate and friend under the bus. I've chipped away at our friendship and her trust with my actions- drinking and participating in the parties. I've left her to stand alone in a crowd, this girl who looks to me as a Christian. I think about myself, and how I must look from the outside. I blend in pretty well I would say, and that's something I am not called to do. I am called to be in the world, but not of the world. I am called to be the one standing alone for Christ. What impact can I make when I blend so well?
So here we were last night, Rose telling me that she felt cast out by our friends, and indirectly telling me that I was failing as a model for Christ- something that I already knew, but apparently still isn't sinking in. And maybe because I haven't been able to see tangible damage. I know what it must be doing to myself, but I haven't seen it hurt anyone else up until this point. And maybe because I care about my relationship with Rose. I don't want to stop being the role model of Christ to her. I don't want her to become one more person who thinks all Christian's are hypocritical.
I got to see how my choices have been affecting someone last night. On Saturday night I hung out with some friends, and we had the intention of going to a party, but it was cancelled last minute. My roommate hung out for a bit, but left pretty quickly. She shared with me that she felt pretty out of place, and even judged that she wasn't drinking and I immediately was reminded of when I had felt the same way. Some pretty stupid stuff happened while we were all hanging out, the kind of stuff that's funny at the time, but that someone would probably regret in the morning. After sharing what some of our friends had done, my roommate shared with me again that she doesn't understand why they all do that(drink), that she doesn't understand the joy they find in it. She told me she doesn't understand why they can't seem to have fun without it. As she was talking, I realized that I used to share those same thoughts. Going into this fall, I kept assuring her and telling her to share with her parents that I don't drink, I don't do stupid things. Now here I am, the first weekend back from break, right in the middle of it all again. And this time, I've thrown my roommate and friend under the bus. I've chipped away at our friendship and her trust with my actions- drinking and participating in the parties. I've left her to stand alone in a crowd, this girl who looks to me as a Christian. I think about myself, and how I must look from the outside. I blend in pretty well I would say, and that's something I am not called to do. I am called to be in the world, but not of the world. I am called to be the one standing alone for Christ. What impact can I make when I blend so well?
So here we were last night, Rose telling me that she felt cast out by our friends, and indirectly telling me that I was failing as a model for Christ- something that I already knew, but apparently still isn't sinking in. And maybe because I haven't been able to see tangible damage. I know what it must be doing to myself, but I haven't seen it hurt anyone else up until this point. And maybe because I care about my relationship with Rose. I don't want to stop being the role model of Christ to her. I don't want her to become one more person who thinks all Christian's are hypocritical.
Sunday, January 12, 2014
No Words
I want to write and I have no words. Every time I start to type, I hate what is written on the page. I delete it. I am going into tomorrow with a lot of apprehension and worry.
"When you're young, life's a dream. It's a beautiful and a burning thing."
"I will love with urgency and not with haste."
"And the ghosts that we knew will flicker from view..."
My heart is full of worry and pain, and I have no way to empty it. I have turned so far from what I once knew and found joy in. I am starting this journey without my one companion that could always be counted on because I have turned from Him and ran as fast as I possibly could in the wrong direction.
"'Cause I'm a hopeless wanderer..."
"I am a sinner; If it's not one thing, it's another."
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