As I was writing my previous post about going back to school, I realized I had some sage wisdom that I wanted to share in a more concise format.... and then I remembered that it's me, so there's no way in Hell it's going to be concise... :) Anyway, here it is, my big, fancy List of Things You Should Know. If you've already completed this incredible life achievement, congrats! I hope that you will still enjoy reading about the things I have learned, and maybe some of them will still ring true with you, even now. I would also encourage anyone who reads this to think about how you may talk to younger siblings, friends, or even children about college, and how you might be influencing their experiences through your conversations. Enjoy!
Wednesday, January 16, 2019
Monday, January 14, 2019
Back To School!
While I know that the first of the year was two weeks ago, something about today feels more like the beginning of my new year than any other. Today is the very last "First Day of School" I will probably ever have! We are officially in the home stretch, there are only 117 days between me and graduation day, and while I won't get my diploma until after the summer and my internship are over, that is my mark: 117 days until I walk across the stage and finally, finally, can say that I am a college graduate. I honestly didn't know for a while there if this day would come any time soon for me. My journey has been far from conventional, and I thought I would talk about it here today, so that maybe someone else out there could feel a little more comfortable if their college experience does not look like the typical cookie-cutter "four year plan."
Thursday, January 3, 2019
1.3.19 [A Series]
I'm going insane tonight. I am at work, my regular 10pm-8am shift, but I am here with the new hire who will be doing some audit shifts during the week and she is driving me up a wall.
Much like Lisa, who I already have to deal with at home, this woman laughs at EVERYTHING. She also feels the need to narrate her every move and inform me every time she goes pee. She's already told me about her divorce from her cheating ex-husband and how shes going for another (better) job interview tomorrow morning.
It's just too much information. I don't care. I don't know you. Please leave me alone.
I was talking to my friend Rachel earlier tonight about how I've become such a hermit in the last year or so. I of course love hanging out with my close friends, but when I am at home, I just want to be left alone, and social interactions that involve lots of new people stress me out. I've also become quite comfortable being alone at work. In fact, because I feel pressured to be pleasant at home, work has become the space where I do have some alone time. Maybe that's why this woman is driving me crazy, because it feels like an infringement on my personal time to myself. It would also help if I felt like I could go sit down without her starting a conversation or narrating to me why she's organizing, or that she's organizing at all. I think it also rubs me the wrong way that she's kind of been snooping around the back office tonight as well. Nothing too serious, but apparently she tried the handle on Amanda's office, because she found the file-folders in there.
I think I'm just grump because Ryan has me working on his computer training. It sucks as a training program, and I literally just completed my own program last night, so it's just all of the same exercises over and over. I wish you could test out of the modules. Instead of going through all of the training, you could just take the end test and however well you did determined what extra modules you had to complete.
I'm rambling. I just wanted to do anything other than work on that training for a minute. And I really needed to vent about this woman because all of my friends are asleep already.
Much like Lisa, who I already have to deal with at home, this woman laughs at EVERYTHING. She also feels the need to narrate her every move and inform me every time she goes pee. She's already told me about her divorce from her cheating ex-husband and how shes going for another (better) job interview tomorrow morning.
It's just too much information. I don't care. I don't know you. Please leave me alone.
I was talking to my friend Rachel earlier tonight about how I've become such a hermit in the last year or so. I of course love hanging out with my close friends, but when I am at home, I just want to be left alone, and social interactions that involve lots of new people stress me out. I've also become quite comfortable being alone at work. In fact, because I feel pressured to be pleasant at home, work has become the space where I do have some alone time. Maybe that's why this woman is driving me crazy, because it feels like an infringement on my personal time to myself. It would also help if I felt like I could go sit down without her starting a conversation or narrating to me why she's organizing, or that she's organizing at all. I think it also rubs me the wrong way that she's kind of been snooping around the back office tonight as well. Nothing too serious, but apparently she tried the handle on Amanda's office, because she found the file-folders in there.
I think I'm just grump because Ryan has me working on his computer training. It sucks as a training program, and I literally just completed my own program last night, so it's just all of the same exercises over and over. I wish you could test out of the modules. Instead of going through all of the training, you could just take the end test and however well you did determined what extra modules you had to complete.
I'm rambling. I just wanted to do anything other than work on that training for a minute. And I really needed to vent about this woman because all of my friends are asleep already.
Wednesday, January 2, 2019
1.2.19 [A Series]
I've committed to writing a post per week on my public blog, but I'm considering making a lighter promise to write daily here. Just as a disciplinary exercise for myself, and also to track my various emotions, especially over the next few months as I finally finish school and make the big choices that follow. No one will know but me if I miss a day or two here and there, but I want to try to write as much as possible. It's been too long since I had a good cathartic piece, and something tells me I'm going to need more than one outlet this year.
I'm sitting here at 4am because I told my supervisor that I would cover her work shift. That means I need to stay up until around 8am so that I can sleep through until the start of my shift and not be too tired overnight. So I started my new blog (LOL) and I wrote a New Year's post, and then I got to reading over my old stuff. I went as far back as Noah, and then jumped over to WFW, and started reading through everything I had written up for that first program. I of course started to feel sad and nostalgic and went ahead and opened up the soundtracks for some old faves including Happily Ever After. Sitting at my desk at 4:30am crying to some Disney music, I decided to write this post.
I won't say that I don't feel bad about the way things ended with Katie. I really do feel bad. That's one of the biggest things on my heart tonight, so much so that I went to Facebook and considered unblocking her and sending a message. But I think that kind of blow-out needs more than 18 months to feel less...brand new. I don't expect there to ever be a friendship there like there once was, but I hate that there is anger and animosity. It all went too far, and everyone was far too heated and temperamental in the moment. I do wonder if she ever feels the same, or if she wrote me off without so much as a second thought. Maybe in a couple years I can reach out. I don't really know how much time it takes.
Along the same lines of losing people, I have been thinking about Steve lately, and Bre. I wonder if they are okay, and what they're up to. I think Steve would love the McElroy brothers, and I really wish I knew if Bre was still being the strong independent woman I know she can be. Upon a quick Facebook stalk, I have found that she appears to be single and as gorgeous as ever. She also seems to be out of the Disney bubble, because her hair is a magnificent shade of teal. I miss her. I feel melancholy this evening, because I am missing my friends and I am missing the place that I have called home on two different occasions.
I still wonder if all of this "missing" is childish or unfounded. I know I'm not the only one who wishes they could go back, but I sometimes wonder if anyone has pondered over it as much as I have. Do I or don't I? Should I or shouldn't I? Will I or won't I? I don't know. I hate not knowing. I have always hated not knowing. I am downright terrible at just letting things be and watching them play out. I might have control issues. In romantic relationships and in major life decisions at least, I have found that I really and truly hate the unknown. I believe that there are multiples paths I can take, I don't think there is one exact route. I do believe there is a common theme or an underlying purpose, and that if I end up down a path that does not lend itself to that theme or purpose, it will eventually autocorrect and get me back on track. There will be nudges and signs along the way that point me in the direction I should go. But what do I do when right now, there are signs for everything. Of course I miss Disney. Of course I do. I healed there, and I found happiness, and I found my passion. Of course I am going to miss that place and all of the memories that come along with it. Just because I miss it, does that mean I have to go back? I have never missed anything this much before, so I don't have a frame of reference.
Hello, Universe? Are you listening? What am I supposed to do? Does it matter? Will I find contentment wherever I go, or is there a path that will bring me more fulfillment than another?
No doubt this life will be filled with trial and error to get me to where I need to be. I have experienced much of that already. So the question is this: do I fall back into what I know to be familiar territory and follow that path to its end, or do I branch out and try something new, knowing that it very well may fall through completely? What if the familiar thing is the thing that falls through? What if I decide to go back, and it's awful, I don't make any friends, and I don't get enough hours? What if the third time is not the charm, but ends up ruining all of the lovely memories I had from before? What if I move somewhere else, like Seattle or Denver, and I'm just not quite satisfied knowing I'm not in Florida at Disney? What if I stay right here in Des Moines to get my bearings after graduation a little bit, only to find myself still here in 30 years, having done nothing else?
I am so scared of having an average life. I think that's a symptom of seeing everyone else live fabulous lives on social media. An average life is okay, and I know that more likely than not, I won't get to do all of the things on my bucket list. Hell, I could wake up dead tomorrow, and have done none of it. I don't know. Funny thing is, THAT unknown doesn't really bother me. So do I go follow the thing that made me SO HAPPY for 18 non-consecutive months, or do I go and try something new and crazy and different just for the sake of doing something else?
I don't know why I am so caught up on this. I know there are ways to do it all- there are these things called vacations after all. Is it perhaps in itself a sign that I should return because I have continued to be so caught up? After all, that second program only came about because of my restless yearning. That one did feel a little different though, it was as if I knew something great was going to happen. I feel drawn back now, but maybe in a different way. Maybe in a "I miss this great place and I can't wait to see it again," kind of way, not in a "I really and truly feel like I need to work there again," kind of way. Because that was the thing wasn't it? I thought I needed to go back and work there again. Maybe all I need is a week long vacation and some tickets to the parks. Maybe all I need is an Annual Pass.
Part of me says, "Yesssss, do it. Go baaaaack, be happy now," and the other says, "Try something new. Disney will always be there for you, now or later!" I'm trying to figure out which little voice is the right one to listen to. Maybe I already know, and I just don't want to admit it to myself.
On an unrelated note: I uploaded my first YouTube video tonight. It was nothing special, but it was my first bold step into 2019. I'm doing new things and I'm being vulnerable and real. I'm proud of myself.
I'm sitting here at 4am because I told my supervisor that I would cover her work shift. That means I need to stay up until around 8am so that I can sleep through until the start of my shift and not be too tired overnight. So I started my new blog (LOL) and I wrote a New Year's post, and then I got to reading over my old stuff. I went as far back as Noah, and then jumped over to WFW, and started reading through everything I had written up for that first program. I of course started to feel sad and nostalgic and went ahead and opened up the soundtracks for some old faves including Happily Ever After. Sitting at my desk at 4:30am crying to some Disney music, I decided to write this post.
I won't say that I don't feel bad about the way things ended with Katie. I really do feel bad. That's one of the biggest things on my heart tonight, so much so that I went to Facebook and considered unblocking her and sending a message. But I think that kind of blow-out needs more than 18 months to feel less...brand new. I don't expect there to ever be a friendship there like there once was, but I hate that there is anger and animosity. It all went too far, and everyone was far too heated and temperamental in the moment. I do wonder if she ever feels the same, or if she wrote me off without so much as a second thought. Maybe in a couple years I can reach out. I don't really know how much time it takes.
Along the same lines of losing people, I have been thinking about Steve lately, and Bre. I wonder if they are okay, and what they're up to. I think Steve would love the McElroy brothers, and I really wish I knew if Bre was still being the strong independent woman I know she can be. Upon a quick Facebook stalk, I have found that she appears to be single and as gorgeous as ever. She also seems to be out of the Disney bubble, because her hair is a magnificent shade of teal. I miss her. I feel melancholy this evening, because I am missing my friends and I am missing the place that I have called home on two different occasions.
I still wonder if all of this "missing" is childish or unfounded. I know I'm not the only one who wishes they could go back, but I sometimes wonder if anyone has pondered over it as much as I have. Do I or don't I? Should I or shouldn't I? Will I or won't I? I don't know. I hate not knowing. I have always hated not knowing. I am downright terrible at just letting things be and watching them play out. I might have control issues. In romantic relationships and in major life decisions at least, I have found that I really and truly hate the unknown. I believe that there are multiples paths I can take, I don't think there is one exact route. I do believe there is a common theme or an underlying purpose, and that if I end up down a path that does not lend itself to that theme or purpose, it will eventually autocorrect and get me back on track. There will be nudges and signs along the way that point me in the direction I should go. But what do I do when right now, there are signs for everything. Of course I miss Disney. Of course I do. I healed there, and I found happiness, and I found my passion. Of course I am going to miss that place and all of the memories that come along with it. Just because I miss it, does that mean I have to go back? I have never missed anything this much before, so I don't have a frame of reference.
Hello, Universe? Are you listening? What am I supposed to do? Does it matter? Will I find contentment wherever I go, or is there a path that will bring me more fulfillment than another?
No doubt this life will be filled with trial and error to get me to where I need to be. I have experienced much of that already. So the question is this: do I fall back into what I know to be familiar territory and follow that path to its end, or do I branch out and try something new, knowing that it very well may fall through completely? What if the familiar thing is the thing that falls through? What if I decide to go back, and it's awful, I don't make any friends, and I don't get enough hours? What if the third time is not the charm, but ends up ruining all of the lovely memories I had from before? What if I move somewhere else, like Seattle or Denver, and I'm just not quite satisfied knowing I'm not in Florida at Disney? What if I stay right here in Des Moines to get my bearings after graduation a little bit, only to find myself still here in 30 years, having done nothing else?
I am so scared of having an average life. I think that's a symptom of seeing everyone else live fabulous lives on social media. An average life is okay, and I know that more likely than not, I won't get to do all of the things on my bucket list. Hell, I could wake up dead tomorrow, and have done none of it. I don't know. Funny thing is, THAT unknown doesn't really bother me. So do I go follow the thing that made me SO HAPPY for 18 non-consecutive months, or do I go and try something new and crazy and different just for the sake of doing something else?
I don't know why I am so caught up on this. I know there are ways to do it all- there are these things called vacations after all. Is it perhaps in itself a sign that I should return because I have continued to be so caught up? After all, that second program only came about because of my restless yearning. That one did feel a little different though, it was as if I knew something great was going to happen. I feel drawn back now, but maybe in a different way. Maybe in a "I miss this great place and I can't wait to see it again," kind of way, not in a "I really and truly feel like I need to work there again," kind of way. Because that was the thing wasn't it? I thought I needed to go back and work there again. Maybe all I need is a week long vacation and some tickets to the parks. Maybe all I need is an Annual Pass.
Part of me says, "Yesssss, do it. Go baaaaack, be happy now," and the other says, "Try something new. Disney will always be there for you, now or later!" I'm trying to figure out which little voice is the right one to listen to. Maybe I already know, and I just don't want to admit it to myself.
On an unrelated note: I uploaded my first YouTube video tonight. It was nothing special, but it was my first bold step into 2019. I'm doing new things and I'm being vulnerable and real. I'm proud of myself.
Tuesday, January 1, 2019
A New Year's Day Post
On my personal blog a few years ago, I attempted to write one post per week for the duration of the whole year. I got very close, only dropping off at the end when I went to Disney- I imagine I was quite busy. 😉 I would like to try something similar this year, as I have this peculiar feeling that 2019 has some really great things in store for me. I have several "goals" or things I want to focus on for this year, and I would like to have a place to talk about them and a place to look back on all of the stuff- good or bad- that's going to happen to me. I've started a new blog as part of my effort to create a brand for myself, and it's not that I'm ashamed of the things I have said on my other blog, but just that some of it is still very personal and private, and not everything is for everyone to see. I hope you can understand, as I'm sure you do. With that, let's jump right into 2019, and the things I want to work on!
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