I have to be stronger.
I have to be happier.
I have to be more forgiving.
I have to be exciting.
I have to be loving.
I have to be better.
I can't stand the person I become when I'm depressed. I can't look at myself in the mirror because I hate the look in my eyes.
I'm weak, I'm sad, I'm empty when all I want to be is bright eyed and cheerful. I want to leap into his arms, I want to run around the block, I want to accomplish great things and go on great adventures.
I have to be better than this, I can't let this become more than me. I have to pry myself out of this slump and live. Because I hear the whine in my voice and the struggle in his. I can't lose him because I became too involved and too dependant on this feeling of loneliness. It may be easier, it may take less fight and less energy, but I will not become the one who sank. I will not let this consume me. And I will not lose him because I lost myself.
When I look ahead I see bright days. I see rebirth and regrowth. I see joy. I see myself driving down endless highways with the wind in my hair. I see trudging through woods and creeks just to get a little muddy. I see rolling on beaches and jumping in water to enjoy the day that was given to me. I see myself being carefree and alive, not wasting away in a bed or a dark apartment waiting for the sun to set at the end of another day.
I'm tired; exhausted even. But I have to be better. I have to be stronger. I refuse to go down, to let the panic and anxiety and depression get such a hold on my heart that it's all I live in. I will not live in this place my whole life. I will have bad days, but the good have to outweigh them.
This is a fight, a battle. A war within my mind that has to be waged every single day. This is my pep talk to myself, because I'm sick of avoiding my reflection. I want to see myself stand tall, be proud of who I am. I want to take new steps, I want to try new things, I want to see my world for all that it is.
I know that if I sink, if I let this consume me, I'll lose him. I'll lose him and friends and family. I'll lose myself. Because who wants to tell the girl 1000 times over the same thing every day. It's not their work. It's mine. My work is to love myself and let that love be so strong that it pours out onto others. Their work is to do the same for themselves so that when we meet we can love one another so thoroughly that there is no room for error.
I must first love myself so that I may love others. I must rely on me, pick myself up, carry my own weights before I can expect others to help. I have to be better.
These last two years have been hard. Some of the hardest things I'll ever face probably have happened. But I made it through, though not quite unscathed. But the scars and the wear, it makes me stronger and it makes me who I am. I would not have the worldviews or the experience if I had not been through these things. And for that, I have to keep going. I have to push on and be the person I was made to be. I can't sit and let these things destroy me. And I won't. Hard times will come. Bad days will follow. But the good has to outweigh it.
Noah. I will be stronger. I will be here in the present and not focused on the past. I will be forgiving and loving and adventurous and excited. I will be the person I know I am and the person you want to be with. I'm not changing for you, I'm changing for me, because I have to. I have to be better.
