Pardon Me

Today, I'm sitting in the same cafe that a little more than a year ago I was sitting in the day I found out what my new role would be on my second college program. I remember sitting nervously waiting for my friend Rachel to look up my name, and if I would even be in the system yet. After the fact, that day felt like all of the synchronicities built upon one another were leading me in one single direction- and maybe they were.

It feels really silly to say it out loud, but I do think it's true to some degree. I'm depressed, and it's because I'm not at Disney. I've built this thing up in my head as something amazing and unique and phenomenal. And maybe it was. But then again, maybe it was just another job- some internship 1500 miles from home. Why do I feel like this one 8 month period has defined my life? Why do I feel like a failure for coming home?

I tried to explain it to my mom, but she doesn't get it, just like Kelsey doesn't. And maybe that's the thing, because Emma Louise does. And Susannah does. And Alayna, Nicole, Michael, Charla, and Brianna. If you were there, if you experienced it, then you get it. You get that it was just a job and some days you really couldn't stand to be there. Some days the heat was brutal or you were completely drenched from a surprise rain shower and all you wanted to do was go home. Some days the people absolutely sucked and so did your attitude. But you would also know that it was fulfilling and joy-making. That on your days off, something kept drawing you back in. That when the clock was ticking down on those last days and last hours, something inside of you was breaking. That when you pulled away for the last time, you left a piece behind.

Yes, I wanted to come home. I was homesick, and I did want to finish school. I felt guilty for being in Florida, 1500 miles away, while my dad sat at home alone. While his memory got worse. While my mom sat at home, worrying about her only daughter. While our newly restored relationship sat waiting for me to come back. While the idea that I was throwing my education away hung over my head. While the thought that I had possibly disappointed my family and friends weighed on me. I did want to come home, but the second I clocked out for the last time, I felt sadness.

Long before that, weeks leading up to my last day I was worrying over if I had made the wrong choice. And in some ways it mirrored that first program, but it was for different reasons. I had fallen into some kind of love the first time, and maybe I did this time too, but it was with a person before. And those things fade, and break. I know even now, that this love I have for those animals isn't going anywhere any time soon. I considered quitting both times, yes. 1500 miles is a damn long way to be from everything you've ever known. Sure, I'm doing something good now. I am finishing my degree and moving on from that particular season in my life. I am very much looking forward to the day I am finished, and I am glad to be here finishing it. But this other thing was good too. It was good in a soulful way.

I convinced myself that I needed to come home for me, but it was for everyone else. It was for my mom who only has one child and she was halfway across the country from her. It was for my dad who seemed to be fading before my very eyes, who I believed was disappointed in me. It was for Kelsey who I love dearly, and needed me to encourage her to go back to school too. It was for Kaylee who needed me to support her in her daily struggles. It was for all of these people because they needed me, and it was selfish of me to be away doing this silly thing. And in reality, how full of myself must I be to believe that the people I love need me within arms reach to be okay? I told everyone it was for me- I was going to go home and finish school. I had finished my time, and was leaving again. I was happy to be doing these things because they were the best for me. But now I'm not so sure that I wasn't just justifying the guilt.

So what is it that I miss? I've asked this before, but really, what do I miss?
-I miss the animals. I miss seeing them interact with one another, and just being near them. The animals at DAK became a part of me. But I can find animals that mean as much to me anywhere. I can work at another zoo, and develop those same feelings. I can even visit these animals!
-I miss the people. I miss the friend group, and the day-to-day routine of seeing some of the best people. But I can and will meet new friends wherever I go. I haven't lost the important friendships I made, and the truth is that those people will not be the same if I go back now. Some are gone, some have moved on, and it's never the same twice around.
-I miss the weather. I miss the massive rain storms and the humidity. I am romanticizing here, I know that. I know it was miserable most summer days, and that those costumes were horrendous. Probably almost anywhere else I could find more habitable weather.
-I miss feeling like I was making a difference, like my co-workers and I were all working towards a common goal- making happiness and joy. And while that big Disney logo helps to facilitate feelings of magic, I know that I could make that joy almost anywhere. Wherever I go, even at the hotel, we are working towards that same goal. And I can make a difference in the world in many lines of work.
-I miss the parks, and getting to go hang out in them whenever I wanted. I miss riding my favorite rides and seeing the nighttime fireworks. I miss feeling the magic for myself. This is perhaps the one thing that cannot be replaced by any other job or experience. Disney is a one of a kind place, and if it means this much to me, it's doubtful that any other place will do the same. But there are vacations, and there are annual passes. There are opportunities for me to go back, even if it's for shorter periods of time.

Looking at that list, how can I justify going back, when so many of the same opportunities can be found for me nearly anywhere else? I'll be 25 when I finish school. I could go down and spend 5 years working and moving around and maybe moving up some in the company. Would I view those years as wasted? Will my view be different 12 months from now? Will I even still be pining for this place? I wish I knew how to let it go, how Alyssa did. I wish I knew how to feel content HERE. How to feel like I am making good life choices here and still moving forward. It feels like my life is one big game of Chutes and Ladders, and I'll climb a couple ladders, but then end up sliding right back to the beginning. How do I look at the experience as a whole and feel content with it being over for now? Because instead I feel like my work is not finished there, and for the life of me, I don't know if that's true or just wishful thinking.

Puff the Magic Dragon...

Every time I get high, I feel this need to document the journey so that later I can look back and see if there were any major revelations or perhaps discrepancies in time. The process is fascinating to me. So this last weekend, I had the last of a little caramel and started to write. Below is what came from it. 

"I don't smoke, I eat edibles And there's a pretty familiar pattern.

First I can feel the skin tingles about 40 minutes in, and it's like clockwork.

Then the munchies. Oh my god the munchies. It's always a sweet and salty thing. And it's always really weird shit. Tonight- Nutella an French fried onions. You do what you can I suppose. Maybe I should try cooking something big.... but I need to go shopping.

Anyway...the munchies. And shortly after my head starts getting fuzzy and time begins to stretch. Following one thought is going to become difficult soon. There is a thick feeling in my throat, I get really bad dry mouth right around here too. And my arms and toes feel fuzzy like when I drink.

I just went to get some water. The feeling in my throat was too much. I can't type as fast as I'm thinking.

(Here is where I switched to my phone "notes" app. I couldn't type as fast as I could text.)

There’s always this feeling that there’s supposed to be repetition. Everyone goes through the same steps when high

But that can’t be true can it? Certainly every trip is different. My muscles feel heavy and twitchy

Curious/paranoid/chill

Different stages. Or maybe it’s the random sequence that makes it relaxing? Maybe this is what people enjoy about the drug? But I have the same thoughts all the time and it’s kind of annoying. Maybe I’m tony trying rough. Andy is wearing a hot pink shift and Ted an yellow tie. It’s so awful. How have inevver noticed this?? Sorry I kinda just gave up on the autocorrect because my thoughts were moving to padtS 

(This is where I gave up on making sure my words were accurate. It was just way too time consuming, especially with how quickly my thoughts were changing. Sorry if things aren't legible.)

Oooo fizzy heavy eyes. Those snapeas sound so good right now: I’m almost out of French ions :( between micheals replies, it felt like about 20 mins. Is this accurate?

My muscles are def feeling shaking. It’s weird, I can ohsicaly feel it. I want to go for a walk. I really only need to last 2 more hours and I’ll be good but icky ic j have 4 hours in me 

Heart palpitations. Or something. My breathing is heavier. Brain is very swirly. So is my chest. Limbs tingly. Pretty cold hut phone says 66. Feel like I’m hearing things extra loud now:

Going for a small walk. Listened it sufjan getting creepy bad vibes and knotnkn chest. Is this intuition or parianoi? Heat rate for sure increased. Can’t find a nice quiet drop spot out here. Cold wind feels nice.wow such paranoia right now like I’m freaking out a bit. Maybe I’ll just sit on the porch and the will have to do. Back

Home. Feeling better. Sitting k. Porchi lisengi g to interstellar ew bad heartburn

Wwedmaps?

(And almost like someone snapped their fingers, I suddenly found myself able to pay attention long enough to correct my typing again.)

Good time listening to the music. I can also form full thoughts again with min distraction. Went to sleep about 4:30am. Start time was 2am almost on the nose, I ate the edible at 1am. Major tired phase has passed, I’m surprised. I think I have usually given in by now. Maybe I need to allot myself more time. I’d love to have a WHOLE day or a whole vacation just for being baked. I need more weed in my life. Damn.

So that's it. I can remember all of the moments that I was typing and some of the things I was feeling. It's interesting to read back on, and now that I've documented it at least once, maybe I can just chill next time and not think so critically.

Update on this as of the beginning of 2019: Yes, I have chilled out quite a bit. Either this log helped me to not be so critical, or I have just accepted the chain of events as truth. Also, I do smoke now ✌️