I'm bored and restless. I want adventure and excitement. I want newness. I want to travel, run away, explore, create. And yet all at the same time I have no energy or motivation. I don't even know where I would begin. I have friends going on great adventures for spring break, I have friends planning great adventures for summer. I feel perpetually stuck in one place and one time. And I know that's my fault. If I want to make it happen, I have to DO. Wasn't that even one of my New Years "resolutions," to act and do and become, rather than just hope and dream? It's March and I don't know if I've made any progress.
I know it's been 3 months and I haven't made much difference in my healthy lifestyle. Noah looks amazing and he has drive and determination and I have none of that. Seeing him makes me feel worse about myself, it doesn't spur me on. What's wrong with me? Where is my drive to start projects, to try something new, to be better every single day? Why am I lacking that very essential skill set? Why would I rather sit in self pity than take the next step and DO SOMETHING?
I just don't get it. Maybe it's my depression stuff. Maybe that's what keeps me down. I'd sure like to see if in 3 weeks I feel any more motivated or confident or anything because of the medicine. My dad says it just takes the edge off, but I want change. I want to be different. Why aren't I different? Why, not matter how much I want it, can I not make myself be the person I want to be?
