These Halleujahs

I'm not who I am today. I know that doesn't make sense. I don't feel right in my own skin. I feel like someone different looking in, as if I can see my true self and it's not comforting. I don't like what I see today.

I see someone who is lazy and unmotivated. Someone who has dreams and aspirations but no real plans or means to reach them. I see someone stuck in bad habits and negative attitudes. I see someone who is restless for change, but not exactly sure where the change should come from. I look in the mirror and I don't recognize who I see. I see someone who has darkness in her eyes. It scares me.

I'm not good at being alone. Nights are the worst. My thoughts catch up to me and I don't know how to deal with them or drown them out. I think I used to be okay at being alone; I think I used to make it work. I don't know what I feel but I know it's not content.

Is this the depression again? This is similar to how I felt before. The unrest and emptiness. I don't want to feel this way and I don't want to be that person again. Maybe it's time to talk to my doctor. I'm still so scared to become reliant on some medicine. Why can't I help myself? I should be able to fix it on my own. I don't want to be another name on a list of young adults that take medication for depression when all it really turns out to be is school stress or something temporary.

I want to leave and I want to stay. I want to be on my own and I want the company. I want new and yet I'm afraid of change. I cannot actually contain all of these contradictory emotions. Little by little they're leaking out of me. I feel on the edge of exploding today. My head is so full and my heart is so heavy.

You'll Think of Me

The past couple days it seems like I've caught a glimpse of myself as a girlfriend from the outside and it makes me angry. 

I feel lost and inadequate. I feel foolish. None of those things are from anything Noah has done. It's because I don't know how to handle situations. I feel too needy. I feel like I should be floating through this period of time totally fine and like it's wrong that I'm still sad. 

I kind of hate that it's easy for him. And I know that's awful, but the fact that he has new things to do and look forward to and I'm still just sitting here...I don't know. This is a rambling post. I'm not making much sense.

The other thing not helping is that I've lost my motivation to work out and I feel gross. I know Noah is going to look great and that adds to the feelings of inadequacy. He deserves someone who's going to look great and care for their body.

I'm not feeling body or mind positive the past few days. I've been very hard on myself and it's making me sad.