You're Welcome

Lately the loneliness has been creeping back in, and it's been hard to pinpoint and tackle. It's not the depression this time though, because that battle has been won for the time being- I found Hamilton, I found Moana, I'm going home.

This is the loneliness that comes from the lack of being loved and cared for. I'm not talking about friends, because I know I have found them in spades. Im talking about the deep romantic, all consuming, life changing love that fills your heart. I've had that exactly once, and I am longing for it now. I miss knowing someone is out there pulling for me, I miss thinking about someone and hoping their day is going well. I miss checking in, hanging out, being together.

And because I've had this all-consuming love just once, I have but one relationship to reflect on, but that's not fair to me, because I can glamorize the memories all I want but it doesn't change the truth. I can remember the good times and black out the bad, I can pretend he didn't say the things he did, I can imagine a timeline in which we were perfectly happy forever, but that doesn't change that he lied and destroyed me. It was bad. It may have been good once, at the beginning, the very start, but it wasn't good at the end. I don't necessarily miss him, but I miss what we were and how I felt. I miss stargazing, laying in bed on Sunday morning listening to the birds, cooking meals, talking about our projects.

It was all so easy, effortless.

I think I could have had it a second time. I think I was close, within reach. And, but I had to go home to move my life along and the 1300 miles took its toll. I fought against it so hard but in the end I was the one who withdrew this time.

That's all I want- easy, effortless, comfortable. It felt so right to just be near Noah, and sometimes it would be very nice to have a partner. A shoulder to lean on that was always on my side, another human who was always physically there, someone to help share the load. This isn't about friendship, this is about companionship and being scared of being alone in this life. I like my independence, but I'm willing to share.

It was hard to let him go because he was everything I needed then, until he wasn't. I can romanticize it, but I shouldn't, because it wouldn't be true. I want to be held, I want to be put at ease, and I wish I could turn this off because it's damn distracting.