Why is it that when you are young, you are unable to experience true physical freedom- without boundaries and consequence, but your mind is completely open to anything and everything, however once you are an adult and are able to be completely physically free, your mind has lost its ability to let go and imagine without borders?
---young: able to be completely mentally open. imaginary friends, new inventions, questions about WHY everything is; unable to experience physical freedom- someone always around to tell them where to go or what they can/can't do, consequences for everything in order to learn the difference between right and wrong, sexuality is not developed
---older: emotional freedom is almost nonexistent; we have learned what can and can't be said aloud, how we are allowed to feel, and what we should do based on "social norms;" no imaginary friends, ideas and feelings/patterns are set; able to be physically free without most consequences and within most contexts; go wherever we want, make our bodies however we want them to look, experience sex in any way that we want to
Is true enlightenment being able to experience both emotional and physical freedom at the same time? What does that look like- running naked in the streets without a care of who sees you, perhaps? Becoming someone who loves who they are and says what they mean without fear of being "set apart" from the pack?
Tuesday, September 19, 2017
Monday, September 11, 2017
Lonely or Alone
I feel mean lately.
Short-tempered and distant.
I can't bring myself to listen to mundane things that my roommate has to complain about or to pick up the numerous phone calls I've been receiving from someone I have called one of my best friends.
I find it all quite annoying. I don't want to hear about the same problems day in and day out.
So is it stress? Or depression sneaking in again? This is a different face, kind of. I experienced the need for distance last time, but I also craved human interaction. I jumped at the chance for any kind of kindness or shared experience, because most often I was laying in bed alone. But now I am actively shutting myself off, and as bad as that sounds it's not from everyone, just a select few. I miss my mom a lot, I would talk to her and visit her every day if possible. I desperately miss Kelsey and Megan. I would love to have another late-night dish sesh. I really like Emma Louise and Alayna and I would like to spend more time with them. But....my roommate. And Kaylee. I don't want to talk, I don't want to listen, I want to turn them off, and cut them out sometimes.
Some people are just so exhausting to be around. I like Katie, she really is a great friend. I am thankful to have met her last year, she certainly made my program better. However, she talks so much, she is ALWAYS talking, and for someone like me who can only handle so much talking, and who talks ALL DAY, EVERY DAY at work, it's sometimes too much. I don't want to be the person who holes up in my room with my door shut, I want to have it open as a friendly gesture, but I'd really like for her to pick up on my cues that I am uninterested in talking. And Kaylee... it's just exhausting to be a part of the same three conversations as always. She's having boy problems because she was talking to a guy and he ghosted her. She's having boy problems because she's lonely and she isn't dealing with her pain. She works all the time and is so exhausted, but here are the 30 things she did this week. Why am I so annoyed with her? I'm not entirely sure, maybe it's the fact that it's always about her lately. But even the explanatory text I just sent that I don't want to talk (so like, please stop trying to FaceTime me) seemed annoying. Like, just pick up the hint, please. Everyone just leave me the Hell alone. I guess.
I have found that I am more willing to be on my own and less interested in day trips and activities since moving, and especially since the whole Steve thing came to an end. But it's not like I'm even dwelling on that anymore. I go full days at a time before something crosses my mind, and it is more annoying than upsetting. Honestly, two years later, Noah is still bothering me more. And I don't think anything is wrong with me, I think I'm just dealing with a lot and being alone is easier than trying to fake my way through social interactions. Right this second, I feel kind of trapped because I haven't been able to leave my apartment for two days. Thanks Hurricane Irma. So certainly that isn't helping me practice patience, but damn I just want to get in my car and drive away. No idea where I think I want to go, maybe home, back to Iowa. But I feel restless and anxious and annoyed and I just want to be left alone.
Short-tempered and distant.
I can't bring myself to listen to mundane things that my roommate has to complain about or to pick up the numerous phone calls I've been receiving from someone I have called one of my best friends.
I find it all quite annoying. I don't want to hear about the same problems day in and day out.
So is it stress? Or depression sneaking in again? This is a different face, kind of. I experienced the need for distance last time, but I also craved human interaction. I jumped at the chance for any kind of kindness or shared experience, because most often I was laying in bed alone. But now I am actively shutting myself off, and as bad as that sounds it's not from everyone, just a select few. I miss my mom a lot, I would talk to her and visit her every day if possible. I desperately miss Kelsey and Megan. I would love to have another late-night dish sesh. I really like Emma Louise and Alayna and I would like to spend more time with them. But....my roommate. And Kaylee. I don't want to talk, I don't want to listen, I want to turn them off, and cut them out sometimes.
Some people are just so exhausting to be around. I like Katie, she really is a great friend. I am thankful to have met her last year, she certainly made my program better. However, she talks so much, she is ALWAYS talking, and for someone like me who can only handle so much talking, and who talks ALL DAY, EVERY DAY at work, it's sometimes too much. I don't want to be the person who holes up in my room with my door shut, I want to have it open as a friendly gesture, but I'd really like for her to pick up on my cues that I am uninterested in talking. And Kaylee... it's just exhausting to be a part of the same three conversations as always. She's having boy problems because she was talking to a guy and he ghosted her. She's having boy problems because she's lonely and she isn't dealing with her pain. She works all the time and is so exhausted, but here are the 30 things she did this week. Why am I so annoyed with her? I'm not entirely sure, maybe it's the fact that it's always about her lately. But even the explanatory text I just sent that I don't want to talk (so like, please stop trying to FaceTime me) seemed annoying. Like, just pick up the hint, please. Everyone just leave me the Hell alone. I guess.
I have found that I am more willing to be on my own and less interested in day trips and activities since moving, and especially since the whole Steve thing came to an end. But it's not like I'm even dwelling on that anymore. I go full days at a time before something crosses my mind, and it is more annoying than upsetting. Honestly, two years later, Noah is still bothering me more. And I don't think anything is wrong with me, I think I'm just dealing with a lot and being alone is easier than trying to fake my way through social interactions. Right this second, I feel kind of trapped because I haven't been able to leave my apartment for two days. Thanks Hurricane Irma. So certainly that isn't helping me practice patience, but damn I just want to get in my car and drive away. No idea where I think I want to go, maybe home, back to Iowa. But I feel restless and anxious and annoyed and I just want to be left alone.
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