My Brown Eyed Girl

I want every memory with you to be carved in stone. I don't want a single second to go wasted, not one moment to fall by the wayside.

I know that the big stuff won't fade. I know that I will always remember your hand on my face when you kissed me for the first time, and the way that you turned to lean against the car and pull me close to you. I will always remember singing at the top of our lungs in your car and driving around aimlessly just so that we could hear the entire eight minutes of Paradise by the Dashboard Light. Forever I will remember standing at the water's edge with your arms around me, just enjoying the ocean. I will always remember laying in your arms for hours, watching the clock tick down and being heartbroken together.

These moments and many more I will always recall. Walking around Rollins and seeing your old haunts, the way the universe put us on one last tram together on my last night, sitting with you in the lounge at the Grand and being so nervous because I had asked you to lunch. Plucking up the courage to kiss you on the cheek and hoping that I didn't go too far. Sitting in several parking lots and feeling like I was 17 because we were definitely breaking the rules. Hearing you tell me that I was brave and having you kiss away my tears when I realized it was true, and how unfair it was that I had to leave. Sitting close to you at the bar and getting to just be with you. Driving home with you almost every night for two weeks because it became comfortable. I want every single one of these moments to be sealed, to be preserved just as they happened. If I could have a movie made of these memories, I would make 100 copies because I would wear every single one of them out.

Wise men say, only fools rush in. Oh, but I can't help falling in love with you....

It scares me that already you are fading. It's the small parts of you, of us, that I am afraid to lose. The way that you smell, or the exact feeling of you fingers interlaced with mine. The way that your hair felt between my fingers, or the small noises you would make when I kissed you. I want to remember the way that your eyes would soften when you looked at me, I want to recall every single moment that you called me beautiful. I want to remember touching your cheek and recall how you would press into my hand and close your eyes. The secret smiles and all of the meaningless conversations in the breakroom, sitting close to you in the van or seeing you in the lot. God, how I want to remember every time that we passed each other on a tram and waved- the head tilt and crooked smile. Every moment when I would text you and watch to see your reaction from across the room, or the way that I could feel your eyes on me as I walked your tram. I want every small interaction to be just as ingrained in my mind as any of the rest.

In the morning I'm leaving, making my way back to Cleveland...and I don't see how you could ever be anything but mine...

Leaving you was one of the hardest things I have ever done, because how in the world am I actually supposed to leave someone that I love, even when I know that it's what is best at that time? I never wanted that Saturday night to end, I never wanted to leave the perfect bubble we had, because the moment we left that room, it was all different. It would never be the same, we both knew that, and if I could go back to that moment and lay there with you forever, I probably would. Words cannot describe how much my heart hurts and how much I just want to hold you. I'm scared that if I visit, everything will be too different, we will be too far removed....

I know they say you can't go home again, but I just had to come back one last time....

I want that perfect bubble back, I want those last few nights where you held my hand in public and kissed me in front of people and I never want to stop feeling the way that I do about you. I am scared to change, because I've known you were right from the moment that you said, "this will look much different to you a year from now." I don't know what role you play in my life, what lesson I learn here.

I do know that I miss you with every part of myself every single day that I am gone. I know that it has only been three weeks but it feels like an absolute eternity. I know that the thought of being with someone else, that even the thought of being married down the line, tears me apart because how could I ever want to be with anyone but you? You can create the ideal scenario where I'm not bound to you and where I can look back and know that you will always be the one that was perfect, but you cannot stop my heart from feeling the way that it does. I know that you showed me what it's like to be loved, cherished, and cared for; what it's like to be put first. I know that you changed me and you made me better.

I hope that I never tire of hearing your voice on the other end of the phone, and I hope that any reunion we have is just as sweet as I'm imagining in my head. You have a pretty good track record so far, so I hope that you continue to be right in that I won't lose you and I won't forget you. I am true and brave and resolute, and elegant and sophisticated and refined and you helped me to see that, so most of all, I hope that you know how incredibly important you are to me, and how much of me you have forever.

Looking Back

I've been rereading some of my old posts, stuff from a few years ago, and I'm trying really hard not to be embarassed by it. I was such an entirely different person in 2013 than I am today. My thoughts, my worldview, my opinions...they have all be drastically altered by my life experiences and the people who I have interacted with.

I'm almost ashamed of some of my thoughts, because I know who I was. I know that I was part of the Church and I know that I mostly blindly followed along, believing whatever was taught on Wednesday night and Sunday morning. I never thought for myself, and now I question it all. Going through sophomore year and losing all sense of who I was and what made me who I am, I was so lost. I felt like a failure because I didn't feel comfortable in my own skin, and I certainly didn't feel comfortable in church anymore.

Today, I stand tall and resolute. I have a pretty good idea of who I am and what I stand for. I know that love is love, and that's not something you can put bounds on. I know that drinking with your friends, or even on your own is not the worst thing in the world you can do. I know that having sex before marriage, be it with one person or 20, doesn't make you a sinner. All of these things and many, many more experiences make you a human being. I'm trying not to be embarassed by my past, because that's also a real part of me and it shaped who I am today. I think it's an important lesson to learn: that where I came from and who I am today can exist in the same universe. I think it's still going to take some time to make that thought stick in my head, but I'm trying.

Worry Not...

I know that I really shouldn't worry. Trust me, I know that. So here is my running list of all of the things that are worrying me, so that maybe I can put them to rest for a while.

I'm worried about my future. How am I ever going to earn enough money to make rent, bills, AND start paying off those student loans? It scares me that I still don't know what I'm doing after school. I feel a little like a failure because all I want to do is finish school, but I have no plans when I step off that stage after graduation. It feels irresponsible to not have any idea of where I'm going. I'm 22, going on 23...surely I should have some idea by now, right? I mean I have ideas, but what if they don't work out? What if I choose one and I should have followed the other path? There are so many uncertainties and for someone who likes to have things planned out, this is incredibly tough.

I'm also worried about myself a little bit. I've been through Hell and back in the last three years; there was a time when there was absolutely no light at the end of the tunnel. It seems that for now, I've come out on the other side, but I know there will be more hard times down the road. I forgot what happiness was for a while, and when I found it again, it took me some time to allow myself to be happy. I'm worried that I'm going to forget how to be happy again, or that I'm going to leave my happiness behind. That was a huge worry for me when leaving Orlando, but that one has worked out okay so far. I know that I am strong, brave, and resolute....but I feel apprehensive as well.

I'm worried about the motive behind my choices. I do want to return to Disney, but is that for the company or is it for the people? And if it's for the people, is that a good enough reason to go back? Is it childish to want to return to Disney, something that I should just let go and allow it to be part of my past? I knew that my time in Florida would be important for me, I never expected to be leaving people that I loved. My heart has never hurt so much knowing that I may not see some of those people again, or that if I do, I will most likely be some time.

I'm worried about the guy. I never expected to find anything like this when I went down to Disney. To be honest it wasn't really on my radar, I was too focused on enjoying the new experience. Then it just happened. My heart hurts, and I'm connected across 1200 miles to a person who I care about greatly. The distance scares me because even though we decided not to be together in any official sense, we talk every day and we share those moments. Lord knows that I understand what all can change in a year's time, so I'm worried for how I will feel a year, 6 months, 2 weeks from now. I know the guy will always be there for me, absolutely right there, but I am worried that I'm not going to be the person he thinks I am. That I'm going to be selfish and hurtful, that I'm going to make things worse for someone that I love.

I received good advice from Mrs. Beridon last night. She told me to journal over the next few months, to keep track of my feelings, goals, opportunities, and outlooks so that when it comes down to 6 months or a year from today, I can go back and see the train of thought. So that when I step off that stage in May and head into an internship, I know what my next step will be.

Make a plan and then let the plan worry. I'm going to try to be better about writing, either here or in a real journal. I go through waves, but I think this is a time where I need to be diligent.

Happiness

I know that I am impulsive, and I know that sometimes I am not happy with the choice I've made after the fact. I don't always sit down and think through every single avenue and option, and I just do what makes me feel better in the moment and dealing with the rest later on. Last night I had a moment where I made an impulse decision. I was angry and somewhat embarassed, so I permanently deleted a post that had only been up for a few hours that tracked my train of thought through the move back from Orlando. I deleted it because I didn't want someone to see it. I wanted it to seem more put together and less childish and wandering, as many of my posts seem to do.

But here's the thing: this space is mine. Once in a while another person comes along and reads one or two things, but for the most part this is a place for my thoughts and my inner dialogue. Why should I be embarassed of my thought process? Why should I ever be ashamed of my own voice? The answer is that I should not. If I'm going to write, I'm going to write for ME. Not to impress anyone, not so that I don't shake my head at myself five years from now when I'm rereading something. I'm going to write for myself, in the moment, whatever feels cathartic and good and helpful.

It's too bad that I had to permanently erase a piece of me to figure out this obvious little lesson, because I do feel bad about my decision now, but I think I also understand a little better why the writing is so important to me. It's my heart on the line, my emotions laid bare, but it's for ME. Its my way of coping and organizing the mess inside my head into a coherent train of thought. It's the best way I know how to look at a moment and work through the in's and out's. I'm still trying to decide if I'm going to attempt to recreate the lost post or not, but I know that I won't ever again erase something because I'm afraid of how it makes me appear. This is my voice and I'm going to use it.