My Dark Passenger

That's right, I'm pulling from Dexter. Don't worry, I'm not going to kill anyone.

I can always tell when they're vying for my attention. Days when I wake up and I'm already on the verge of tears. Days when everything reminds me of something I've "lost." Notice I put that word in quotes, because sometimes it's not even something that I truly lost or even had in the first place. Days when my music does nothing to cheer me up and every little thing that I do seems to be a reminder of something from my past.

The Dark Passener, my Black Dog. He wants my attention. He NEEDS it to live. If I starve that dog, he becomes desperate.

I hate these days. Days when I feel strong are easy. Even days when I'm already down and out and I know my passenger has won are easier. But these days, where I'm in between. Where I know I can fall or fight are so hard. All I want to do is fall. I want to give in.

There is that small part that begs me to try, but oh how faint and weak that voice is. 

Things on my mind today:

-my mom and dad; how things used to be

-my childhood and the old house

-Keaton and Ragbrai; it was an escape

-my choices- or lack thereof- regarding my major and schooling 

A Funny Thing Happened

For the second year now I have worked at the Iowa State Fair for the Fruit and Vegetable Growers Association. Through this job, I met Brooke who owns the business that I worked for during Ragbrai as well as a another family who has asked me to work at their farmers market booth in the fall. This job has been such a blessing, and while it's a long ride, "you can do anything for 11 days."

This year, because of when school starts, I actually am missing formal recruitment for my sorority. Now since we're non-facility and for a couple of other reasons that I don't quite understand, we don't actually participate in what most sororities call "formal recruitment" but we are allowed to have a booth set up and that gives us the chance to get our group out there among the other big names. We usually only draw one or two ladies from this process, but it's still worth it for even just those few. 

While it's not a huge deal that I'm missing this event, it was still a chance to see all of my sisters again before school starts up and an opportunity to meet some new possible members. I was on Snapchat yesterday looking at some of the girls' stories and I suddenly realized- I was and I am a part of that community, whether I'm here or there. I didn't have to sit here and feel forlorn and left out, those girls were my sisters and friends and very soon I would be seeing them again. 

I'm not sure why this realization seems so important to me, but I really can't wait to get back to campus tomorrow and start this new year. Change is in the air, and I have to believe that it's only uphill from here.

Poetry

I wanted to put this down before it disappeared into the great void that is the internet.

This one is called "Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep" and is written by Mary Elizabeth Frye.

Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there. I did not die.

I think I'd like this poem to be read at my funeral, if I were to choose.

Dear Brother

How can I ever begin to thank you for all that you've done for me?

When things have been rough, you have been there for me. Even when the dust settled and you were no longer obligated to call me sister, you have reached out to me.

I'm not sure I would have ever known you if it hadn't been for that flood and for that summer, and for that I am thankful, despite everything else that has happened.

You've supported me, congratulated me, and opened your heart to me.
So thank you big brother, it means the world to me.

It Won't Work

I never heard from Keaton again. And that's okay. Stuff happens, I can't expect every single guy I ever meet to flirt with to fall head over heels with me. And I don't want them to. Because I know the other side of it too. Not a week after my date, I met a guy at church who goes to the college group. I've seen him around, just never had a formal conversation with him before.

It's amazing how quickly these things can get burned out. Since last Wednesday, we've been talking and flirting. I've seen him almost every day since then too. We sat outside and talked until 3 am on Saturday, and he helped me move yesterday.

Things were fine, until they weren't. We went on a "date" to Hickory Park, but it wasn't super great I guess. I told him everything that has been going on with my family, which isn't too crazy because I'm pretty open with it. But now every time he looks at me, it's like he expects me to crumble. I don't want anyone to look at me with eyes full of pity. I'm having a rough go of it now, but it'll certainly get better and there are others who are having an even worse time. And I'm a quiet person most times, especially when a lot is going on, but I think he takes that as me trying to hold it all together when it's just me meditating on stuff.

It's been easy to talk to Joey, but I don't think this is going to be something that works. I can just feel it. That's another thing- he makes plans. A lot of them. Quickly. And now I almost feel obligated to follow through with some of them.

This all makes me sick to my stomach, which is surprising because isn't this what I wanted? Someone who would look after me, be my escape. It's all just going so quickly. I want it to slow down, I wanted to be able to enjoy the little things, the newness. This feeling in my gut is almost the same as when I was with Mario and I knew it needed to end.

This is the bottom line- even if I wanted to be in a relationship, I'm not ready. I am not emotionally or spiritually available to have this kind of commitment. It just won't work.