Goals

    I had a moment this morning, a moment of real clarity. And I think I have had these moments before, but I really want to hold onto this one and make it stick. When someone asks me six months or a year from now, "How did you do it? You look great!" I want to be able to say, "You know, I just woke up one Saturday in April and decided it was time. And I haven't looked back."

    Kenny and I have been talking about some big life changes lately- owning a home, and maybe even having kids. I want to be able to teach my kids about living a healthy life, and I want to be able to live it myself, not just talk about it. I want to teach them to have a good relationship with food, and a great relationship with their bodies. I don't want to accidentally pass on my negative self-talk and I don't want to be in a diet mindset for my entire life. So I need to do the work now, so that when they arrive, I am already living the life I would want for them. I don't care about being this skinny tiny woman, I think that an adult woman should show her age. I am not afraid to have curves and be a little soft, I have grown to really love those parts of me, most days. But I do want to be strong- I want to be able to get down on the floor and play effortlessly, I want to be able to help carry in the groceries, I want to be a reliable partner in any home renovation projects we do- not leaving Kenny stranded or having to wait for a friend to have time to come help because I cannot. I want to be strong for pregnancy- my back already hurts, my hips ache. I want to mitigate as many of those symptoms as I possibly can. I want to be able to relax and relish in my body growing a human, without worrying about how my inactivity is hurting me even further.

    No more excuses, no more coping, no more whining. Just nose to the grindstone and doing the damn thing. That is the feeling I want to capture and bottle and hang on to. When we don't have food in the house that sounds good or appetizing, then I lean on snacks, and then I want to get off track. I need to stop overcomplicating the meal plan, and just make the things that I know I enjoy. I need to suck it up, and cook dinner. I can still live a life in the next couple of years that includes treats and days without tracking, but I know from experience, from three summers ago, that tracking works for me. I lost nearly 30 pounds just from tracking my meals and being good 90% of the time.

    I always want to try doing way too many things right out of the gate, and I need to just take it one step at a time. So here are my thoughts on a gradual step-up program to get me doing everything I should be doing to create a healthy body and lifestyle, without doing it all starting tomorrow.

    Today: I will meal plan for the next 3 months. This worked extremely well during my last serious attempt to lose weight. Having generic meals planned out on rotation meant that I didn't need to spend mental energy each week coming up with new meals and grocery lists. If I spend 2 hours today putting together a plan, then for the next 3 months I can just look at that calendar once and know what to buy for the coming week. I will also go to the store today and purchase this week's groceries. I am going to keep in mind simplicity, focusing on protein and fruit or veg with each meal. Low dairy, low sugar. I think that is when my body feels best.

    Week 1 (April 12-18): I will meal prep on Sunday and eat my planned meals throughout the week. We have no reason to get takeout, especially when it costs $30-$50 each time. This is money that we need to be saving anyway. Simple meals, simple prep. This is the only thing I am going to hold myself accountable to this week- just eating and tracking everything I eat. I want to see the scale go down by next Sunday, even if it's just water weight.

    Week 2 (April 19-25)-Week 6 (May 10-16): In addition to sticking to my meal plan, I will add in 3 walks. Each walk should be for a minimum of one mile. They can be on the walking pad, or outside, any day of the week. I think I should continue this minimum commitment- eating on plan, and walking 3x per week for a month or so. This is the minimum amount of care that I owe my body- moving semi-regularly and eating food that is nourishing 90% of the time. If I can get this rule-set to become more habitual, then I think I am ready to increase the intensity.

    Week 7ish (Mid-May): By this point I will have been following my meal plan for over a month, and walking regularly for about the same amount of time. At this point, I either want to increase the number of walks per week to 5 or increase their length to 2 miles minimum, maybe even adding in a run (as much as I can) 1 time per week. I want to increase the amount of movement I am getting in overall, while still keeping it sustainable. Maybe a good split could be: 

• MWF: walking 1 mile
• TR: walking 2 miles
• Sat/Sun: practice running, working on endurance and cardio

    In this way, I am not fully committing to a total shift in intensity, but I am still making an effort to increase the amount of exercise I am getting. I would like to work on this routine until I am able to run for a mile straight on each attempt. I genuinely have no idea how long it will take me to reach that point, I know right now I could probably slog through a quarter of a mile before absolutely having to stop. I imagine it would take me a few months to train my heart and lungs well enough to be able to run for a full mile comfortably.

    Month 4 or 5 (Around August or September): By this point, I hope that I am in a groove, in a flow. I hope that meal planning and eating within that plan is coming easily. By this point, if I haven't increased it already, I would like to be walking 2 miles per day, M-F. I think one mile per day is the absolute bare minimum to keep my joints happy, but I think 2 miles per day is the real minimum I want to live by on most days. It takes us 40 minutes right now to walk 2 miles, that's less than an hour each day to keep my body limber and to encourage better cardio health. Assuming that running for one mile is comfortable at this point, I would like to adjust my weekly split:

• MWF: walking 2 miles
• TR: running 1 mile, weight lifting (arms, legs)
• Sat: walking 2 miles, weight lifting (core/back)
• Sun: walk 1 mile, rest

    I am getting to a point in the planning now, that this feels out of my grasp and I think that means it is a good place to stop. I can make a plan today and I can grocery shop, and I can follow a meal plan this week. I can do those things for several weeks in a row and make incremental progress. The rest can be adjusted on the fly. But I have to stop changing every single thing I do at the exact same time and expecting to be able to sustain that kind of change. Small steps lead to bigger success. I need to stop holding myself accountable for a million different things before I am even proven successful at being accountable for one or two things. I know I am capable of creating and following a meal plan and losing weight through CICO. I have done it once, I can do it again. I just need to keep holding on to those small moments of success that build and build until I have accomplished my greater goals.

My current long term goals are these:

• Lose roughly 80 pounds (215 - 135)
• Run a 5k comfortably without stopping (3.1 miles)
• Complete 10 proper push-ups and/or pull-ups unassisted (no modifications)

Feelings

    Things have been difficult lately. I just can't seem to keep on track and meanwhile my weight ticks up, little by little. A few years ago it was 180, then 190, then 200. It's now 215 creeping toward 220. And not that weight is the end-all-be-all measurement for health, but I know I am not healthy. Going upstairs to get to the apartment is challenging. Bending over to tie my shoes is hard. My body does not fit in any of the clothes I own and I do not want to have to go buy yet another wardrobe. I am just so sick of what I have allowed myself to become, but the habits that led me here now feel like comfort. It's harder than ever to decide to eat the healthier thing, or go for a simple walk. It's become so easy to curl up on the couch and say "Tomorrow," rather than make an effort today.

    I know that there is more to existing than being worried about my weight for the rest of my life, but there also has to be a better middle ground from where I am now. I'm not even trying right now. It is so hard to reckon with the fact that I know I want a better life for myself so badly, but apparently not badly enough to the point that I am willing to stick with it. I am so worried that it is going to take some health scare at a too-early age to finally be the thing that makes me change. I want to change because I want to, not because something scary finally happens and I have no other choice. But then, what has the last five years been, if not an opportunity to do better by myself before something terrible happens?

    I know I am being too hard on myself, that part of the reason I start and fail and start and fail is because I am mean to myself. If I could find the love and acceptance and joy in the small wins, I know that would stack quicker over time to build more confidence, but again, those habits are comfortable. It is easier to try for a week and fall off the wagon and berate myself for my choices, than to tell myself "It's okay, keep trying now, you've already come so far." Why is that? Why is it so easy to be terrible to myself, to call myself failure and loser, to say things I would never ever say to a friend or stranger in the same position?

    I don't think of myself as someone with "disordered eating" but perhaps I am. Food is my greatest comfort and that cannot be considered a healthy way to exist and cope. Had a bad day at work- get some take-out. Had a sad moment- eat something sweet. Had an excellent day- well, better celebrate then with something tasty! And when we are sitting on the couch indulging, I never feel bad about it then. It's when I am going to bed and the heartburn is so bad I can't sleep. Or when I wake up the next day feeling bloated and icky (which turns into a bad day, which turns into take-out).

    Maybe part of the problem is that I am still subconsciously stuck between wanting to be skinny because that is what society tells me I should want, and really truly wanting to be healthier. Because the fact of the matter is that when I picture myself "healthy" I do still picture myself skinny and strong. Maybe instead of striving for this image in my head of a 120 pound woman, I should be focusing more on how I can make my current self as strong and durable as possible. I would imagine that making better food choices and exercising more would result in natural weight loss over time, but it doesn't need  to be my ultimate goal to drop 85 pounds. Would it be nice for my knees and back to not constantly ache? Of course. Would it be nice to be able to do any number of pushups for the first time in my life, or to run a single mile without feeling like I was going to pass out? Definitely. Maybe I can accomplish those things in a body that still mostly looks the way my current one does. Maybe it doesn't have to be all or nothing. Skinny and strong, or fat and weak.

    I does feel like I am right on the edge of understanding something, but it also feels silly that I haven't been able to grasp this before, and in turn, the goose in my brain is being especially mean. How does one keep going and keep working when you can't see or feel the results? I lost nearly 30 pounds 3 years ago, and I remember having more energy, feeling better in clothes, that my body didn't hurt as much, that it was easier and easier to make better choices about exercise and food. How do I get back to that? Because right now, it feels insurmountable. One day, one week, even one month feels like eternity to stick to a plan to lose just a few pounds. Would a month of success be enough to keep me pushing on? 

    I am grappling with the fact that this will take years if I do things the right way- which I want to do. I have never been good at starving myself, and I genuinely want to accomplish my goals without killing myself in the process. It's not that it will take time, it's that it will take so much time. Starting from today, at 215, if I lose just one pound per week, to get to a "reasonable" goal weight of 140, it would take me 75 weeks. September of 2027 feels a damn long way away when I think about having to diet that long, to stay in a deficit. Because in reality, there will be weeks that I only lose a quarter or a half, there will be birthdays and holidays and I will lose none. So we are really looking at the end of 2027, maybe even into 2028. Will there come a point where that end goal doesn't feel so painful to reach? Will there be some turning point around the 160-170 pound mark where it's easier to stay on a diet and getting rid of those last 30 pounds doesn't feel grueling and daunting? Maybe even I would get to that point and say "This is enough, this has been plenty and I feel so much better." All I know is that I am not happy and I am fearful that I don't have it in me to cross the finish line- wherever that might actually be.

    I hear the voice saying, "Ok, so then make a smaller goal. Don't think of 140, think of 200, think of 190," and I know that seems so obvious, but I don't feel like that has had any different impact before. Have I ever accomplished one of those smaller goals? Maybe not, so maybe I don't even know if a small chunk would be easier than a big one. It occurs to me that I am in the same boat as my husband has been regarding higher education- I told him a few years ago when he was starting classes again and feeling anxious that he just needed a few small wins to grow his confidence. A few successful tests, then a few passed classes, then a few full semesters in the rearview to understand that he had the ability all along, but the series of negative outcomes had just built a wall he could not see beyond. 

    So maybe I just need a few small wins- could it really be that simple? I few weeks in a row, then a few months, then the stairs are not so daunting, then clothes start fitting better, then I can lift more, then I can run longer, then people in my life start to notice, then I can recognize it in myself. Maybe today I make a list of all the things that I would like to accomplish that would make me feel as though I have succeeded at getting "healthier." Maybe I make two lists, one that includes numbers on the scale and one that does not, and I can see which one feels more like the list I would like to use as my benchmark for small wins. Maybe this list can change over time as I complete these tasks, maybe the size of my body will be less important and I can focus more on the feeling of my body.