I know that I really shouldn't worry. Trust me, I know that. So here is my running list of all of the things that are worrying me, so that maybe I can put them to rest for a while.
I'm worried about my future. How am I ever going to earn enough money to make rent, bills, AND start paying off those student loans? It scares me that I still don't know what I'm doing after school. I feel a little like a failure because all I want to do is finish school, but I have no plans when I step off that stage after graduation. It feels irresponsible to not have any idea of where I'm going. I'm 22, going on 23...surely I should have some idea by now, right? I mean I have ideas, but what if they don't work out? What if I choose one and I should have followed the other path? There are so many uncertainties and for someone who likes to have things planned out, this is incredibly tough.
I'm also worried about myself a little bit. I've been through Hell and back in the last three years; there was a time when there was absolutely no light at the end of the tunnel. It seems that for now, I've come out on the other side, but I know there will be more hard times down the road. I forgot what happiness was for a while, and when I found it again, it took me some time to allow myself to be happy. I'm worried that I'm going to forget how to be happy again, or that I'm going to leave my happiness behind. That was a huge worry for me when leaving Orlando, but that one has worked out okay so far. I know that I am strong, brave, and resolute....but I feel apprehensive as well.
I'm worried about the motive behind my choices. I do want to return to Disney, but is that for the company or is it for the people? And if it's for the people, is that a good enough reason to go back? Is it childish to want to return to Disney, something that I should just let go and allow it to be part of my past? I knew that my time in Florida would be important for me, I never expected to be leaving people that I loved. My heart has never hurt so much knowing that I may not see some of those people again, or that if I do, I will most likely be some time.
I'm worried about the guy. I never expected to find anything like this when I went down to Disney. To be honest it wasn't really on my radar, I was too focused on enjoying the new experience. Then it just happened. My heart hurts, and I'm connected across 1200 miles to a person who I care about greatly. The distance scares me because even though we decided not to be together in any official sense, we talk every day and we share those moments. Lord knows that I understand what all can change in a year's time, so I'm worried for how I will feel a year, 6 months, 2 weeks from now. I know the guy will always be there for me, absolutely right there, but I am worried that I'm not going to be the person he thinks I am. That I'm going to be selfish and hurtful, that I'm going to make things worse for someone that I love.
I received good advice from Mrs. Beridon last night. She told me to journal over the next few months, to keep track of my feelings, goals, opportunities, and outlooks so that when it comes down to 6 months or a year from today, I can go back and see the train of thought. So that when I step off that stage in May and head into an internship, I know what my next step will be.
Make a plan and then let the plan worry. I'm going to try to be better about writing, either here or in a real journal. I go through waves, but I think this is a time where I need to be diligent.
No comments:
Post a Comment