I want every memory with you to be carved in stone. I don't want a single second to go wasted, not one moment to fall by the wayside.
I know that the big stuff won't fade. I know that I will always remember your hand on my face when you kissed me for the first time, and the way that you turned to lean against the car and pull me close to you. I will always remember singing at the top of our lungs in your car and driving around aimlessly just so that we could hear the entire eight minutes of Paradise by the Dashboard Light. Forever I will remember standing at the water's edge with your arms around me, just enjoying the ocean. I will always remember laying in your arms for hours, watching the clock tick down and being heartbroken together.
These moments and many more I will always recall. Walking around Rollins and seeing your old haunts, the way the universe put us on one last tram together on my last night, sitting with you in the lounge at the Grand and being so nervous because I had asked you to lunch. Plucking up the courage to kiss you on the cheek and hoping that I didn't go too far. Sitting in several parking lots and feeling like I was 17 because we were definitely breaking the rules. Hearing you tell me that I was brave and having you kiss away my tears when I realized it was true, and how unfair it was that I had to leave. Sitting close to you at the bar and getting to just be with you. Driving home with you almost every night for two weeks because it became comfortable. I want every single one of these moments to be sealed, to be preserved just as they happened. If I could have a movie made of these memories, I would make 100 copies because I would wear every single one of them out.
Wise men say, only fools rush in. Oh, but I can't help falling in love with you....
It scares me that already you are fading. It's the small parts of you, of us, that I am afraid to lose. The way that you smell, or the exact feeling of you fingers interlaced with mine. The way that your hair felt between my fingers, or the small noises you would make when I kissed you. I want to remember the way that your eyes would soften when you looked at me, I want to recall every single moment that you called me beautiful. I want to remember touching your cheek and recall how you would press into my hand and close your eyes. The secret smiles and all of the meaningless conversations in the breakroom, sitting close to you in the van or seeing you in the lot. God, how I want to remember every time that we passed each other on a tram and waved- the head tilt and crooked smile. Every moment when I would text you and watch to see your reaction from across the room, or the way that I could feel your eyes on me as I walked your tram. I want every small interaction to be just as ingrained in my mind as any of the rest.
In the morning I'm leaving, making my way back to Cleveland...and I don't see how you could ever be anything but mine...
Leaving you was one of the hardest things I have ever done, because how in the world am I actually supposed to leave someone that I love, even when I know that it's what is best at that time? I never wanted that Saturday night to end, I never wanted to leave the perfect bubble we had, because the moment we left that room, it was all different. It would never be the same, we both knew that, and if I could go back to that moment and lay there with you forever, I probably would. Words cannot describe how much my heart hurts and how much I just want to hold you. I'm scared that if I visit, everything will be too different, we will be too far removed....
I know they say you can't go home again, but I just had to come back one last time....
I want that perfect bubble back, I want those last few nights where you held my hand in public and kissed me in front of people and I never want to stop feeling the way that I do about you. I am scared to change, because I've known you were right from the moment that you said, "this will look much different to you a year from now." I don't know what role you play in my life, what lesson I learn here.
I do know that I miss you with every part of myself every single day that I am gone. I know that it has only been three weeks but it feels like an absolute eternity. I know that the thought of being with someone else, that even the thought of being married down the line, tears me apart because how could I ever want to be with anyone but you? You can create the ideal scenario where I'm not bound to you and where I can look back and know that you will always be the one that was perfect, but you cannot stop my heart from feeling the way that it does. I know that you showed me what it's like to be loved, cherished, and cared for; what it's like to be put first. I know that you changed me and you made me better.
I hope that I never tire of hearing your voice on the other end of the phone, and I hope that any reunion we have is just as sweet as I'm imagining in my head. You have a pretty good track record so far, so I hope that you continue to be right in that I won't lose you and I won't forget you. I am true and brave and resolute, and elegant and sophisticated and refined and you helped me to see that, so most of all, I hope that you know how incredibly important you are to me, and how much of me you have forever.
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