One Last Time

There's this little weight that sits on my shoulders sometimes, or maybe it's more like a storm that hovers over me. Either way, it clouds my judgement and makes me restless. It's the same monster time and time again, but it's not always hungry for the same thing. Occasionally it can be satisfied with change- a new tattoo, new hair, a new location or an adventure- but often times it wants to create uncertainty for me. It wants to be fed doubt and despair and anger. I haven't quite figured out how to satiate this particular demon yet, but I think writing is always a good start for me, even if it doesn't come easy. I somehow find comfort in putting my thoughts down, especially because I can't always express them when I'm just talking to someone. I really feel out of my own skin when I get to this point. I become irritable, short-tempered, and very introverted. I don't want to face the day, and I certainly don't want to be social. But I'm trying to learn how to overcome this one, how to handle the emotions and keep the selfish actions at bay.

After being denied for the Spring College Program, I had a realization: I was truly heartbroken because of the lost opportunity to work for Disney again. Of course I was sad because that meant that I wouldn't be near my friends or near Steve, but I was absolutely disheartened because I wouldn't be able to walk down Main Street and I wouldn't be able to see the castle, and I wouldn't get to work for the place that makes me so happy. It was then that I realized my wanting to return was true, and not just temporary or for some guy. Disney makes me happy, and I deserve to be happy. I have spent so long trying to make college work for me, trying to put my head down and just push through. But it's now been four and a half years, and I done being unhappy. The major I'm working on isn't one that excites me, the job prospects aren't ones that I'm interested in. I'm only 22, almost 23, but I deserve to be happy and I've decided I'm going to make that happen. Last week, I applied for a part-time job at Walt Disney World in Quick Service Food and Beverage, next week I have my phone interview. I feel very confident in my qualifications and I feel very confident that a position with this company will make me happy. If I am offered a position, I am pretty certain I will move.

Now, don't get me wrong. I may be fed up with school, but I do want to finish. I want to have my degree, so that if I lose my job or if I decide I'd like to move up and make a real career out of my work, because Lord knows I don't want to be checking at HyVee for the rest of my life, then I have that option. I'd like to get it done sooner rather than later, so if I move then I'd like to transfer universities and finish school in Florida, but maybe it'll go more like my mother said and five or six years will pass before I get the motivation I need to get my degree. Either way, I know myself, and even if no one else thinks I will, I know I will finish college one day. It may not be at the end of this semester and it may not be from Iowa State, but dammit, I'm going to check that off of my list.

So here looms the BIG question: should I stay, or should I go? (Yeah, yeah...I couldn't resist.) In all seriousness, I'm a little stuck. Everything in my heart is telling me to go, and I mean everything. My inner voice says to follow that feeling and chase happiness, because that's all we really have. And who am I do disagree? Some people work their whole lives in a job that they hate, but what if I get to be one of the few who gets to work in a place that they love? I flop back and forth between "following my heart" and "doing the responsible thing," but who's to say that following my happiness isn't the responsible thing for me? I know who in my life falls into the second camp, and I know who want's me to just be happy with my choices. I know who loves me and who is looking out for me, and I can glean as much advice and wisdom from these people as I'd like, but ultimately this choice is mine.

I had a coworker ask me yesterday, "why did you ever leave" and I couldn't answer her! I don't know why I left... maybe I needed to come back here to realize how important it is for me to go back. Maybe I needed the chance to come home and say goodbye, or to really think through this decision and feel like I made the right choice. I'm glad I came home, but I also can't help but feel like I missed out on a lot by not staying there, mainly when it comes to Steve. The difficulty of trying to keep a relationship going across 1200 miles takes a toll on the people involved. We should have never had to spend six months apart after only knowing one another for a month or so; that time should have been spent going on dates and making out in cars, and drinking bottles of wine in hotel rooms. It should have been seeing each other at work and riding home together every night. Then again, who knows... if I had extended my program maybe I wouldn't have ever felt the need to speak up and make my feelings known, maybe I would still be sitting there wondering "what if?" I'm nervous to make a move halfway across the country for a person, and while I know that the majority of my moving would be for the job itself, I can't deny that a little bit is for him. I want to be near him, and I think we deserve that. He is prepared for me to do that, and I think I am getting there too. It's not as if we're going to live together, and it's not as if he is the only person who I would love to see and be around. Even if everything goes south between us, I feel confident that I would stay and I could make myself happy.

I know that I really shouldn't dwell on the future, and if I'm being honest, I haven't thought about it where it concerns our relationship near as much as I have in the past. However, this potential move, this potential huge life change makes me wonder what we have in store, and that too is weighing on my mind. There are things that I want to talk to him about, but I know we're not quire ready for, and I believe they are conversations to be had in person anyway, definitely not over the phone or over 1200 miles. I was talking to my mom the other day, and she reminded me that I've wanted to have kids since we can remember, and I've always wanted to be married as well. She asked, and I realized that I'm not sure if those are things that he would want, and I don't know how our relationship will look after having that conversation. For now, I'm trying to realize and rationalize that all of these uncertainties and worries about our future are cropping up because of this life choice, and I need to just let the relationship run the course it's going to. There will be a time and place for that conversation, and it will make itself known. Rushing things will not bring any kind of satisfaction.

As I await for my interview date to arrive, I will no doubt become more anxious and more nervous, because with that interview comes a big decision. I know what I want to do, and I have a pretty good idea of what I will do, but ultimately I will follow my gut. This next week I am going to try to listen to myself and give pause for the concerns I have, because I think every emotion in this time is valid and deserves to be recognized. However, I will not let it overtake me, and I won't let the fear consume me.

To Harbor Hope...

It's a good thing, to be sure. To find the silver lining, the bright side. But today, I'm not sure holding on to hope did me any good. I’m at a loss for words, and I feel kind of foolish. My heart was so set on this thing working out, I barely considered that it wouldn’t. I finally received my email from Disney today and after three long weeks of waiting and lots of anxiety, I was turned down for a position in the Spring College Program. 

Now certainly my life will go on, my day-to-day will move forward as it always does. I know this is not the end of the world and I am trying very hard not to lose the thread. After all, this was mostly the original plan, except in that version I was still in school for Spring semester and I would have been done with my degree in May. In that original version, I would have had an internship over the summer and would have been on my way back to Disney seeking a full-time job sometime next Fall or Winter. Instead, the updated plan says I must take a semester off to pay off my Fall tuition. This plan says that I have to stay in Iowa. 

My heart hurts, and that is why I feel so silly. It’s not as though my whole career is ruined, and it’s not as if I don’t have options. I just didn’t do enough to prepare myself for this outcome, I was too confident. I’ll drive myself crazy over the what-ifs for a while- what if I had applied two weeks sooner? What if I hadn’t put off asking about a loan for so long? What if my first interview had gone as scheduled? I feel foolish because I lost out on an opportunity that I was very much looking forward to, but one that I have already experienced. I should be thankful for last year, and I am, but all I wanted to do was to walk down Main Street again. All I wanted was to watch Wishes and to be near the ones I love and miss so dearly. See, that’s where I went wrong too. I started making plans in my head, I got too excited, too hopeful. I tried so hard to be neutral until an official email came, but I felt so confident! Everything felt so right, like this was what I was supposed to be doing. And then, nothing.

One thing that always seems to keep me grounded is that everything happens for a reason. I truly believe that, whether it’s being late somewhere, or missing out on the return to Disney right now, or losing someone close to me, it all happens for some reason greater than my little mind can fathom. So I sit here, holding on to that small bead of hope. Somewhere out there in the Universe, it was decided that I didn’t need to return to Disney right now. So I will wait, because I believe I am still meant to return eventually. I am needed here, or someone needed the program more than I did. If one person can go to Disney and have the same self-realizing experience that I did last Spring, then maybe I can be okay with this outcome. 

My heart hurts, and I long to be near the people I miss. I am sad for the broken plans and I am nervous to be here. I am not happy in my current job, and the idea of doing nothing but working for the next six to nine months in a place that doesn’t bring me joy scares me. I know what Winter does to me and I am scared for that too. There are positives, and I have made a list and I am trying to keep those things in mind. The plan has changed, but the world hasn’t ended. I’ve been saying for three weeks I just wish I knew, so I could start moving in whatever direction I needed to. Well now I know, and now I can make the next steps. Those steps are going to be painful and sad for a little while, but I have to trust that it will all be okay. I have to believe it all happened for a reason, and that everything will work out exactly how it’s supposed to.

So for now, I’ll be here. I’ll be missing my second home and my other family, but I will be waiting for the time when it is right for me to be where I need to be. I’ll see ya real soon, Walt, I promise.

Top Five Guest Moments!

When you think of the Happiest Place on Earth, your first thought probably doesn't land on the parking lot, and to be honest- mine doesn't either. I spent six months driving trams, directing traffic, and parking cars. Real magical, right? As long as we're being honest, I'll admit that I pretty much hated the parking lot when I first started. I mean seriously, how was I supposed to have any kind of positive guest interaction when I'm busy making sure I don't get run over by cars or preventing people from running straight into the tram lane? Some of my time there was stained by the rude and entitled nature of the people I come into contact with, but let me clarify: I may have experienced the anger and frustration more often than not, but there are at least five moments between me and a guest that I can look back on that made my entire program worth it. Thanks to amazing co-workers and a group of other college program peers that meshed well from the start, I look back on that time joyful for the opportunity. I'd never change that I accepted the offer to spend a semester at Disney and I'll never regret the experience. These are in no particular order, but just as they came to me when I made my original list. Every moment will be cherished and kept dear forever. So, without further ado, my Top Five Guest Moments!

1.      As part of my spiel, I was allowed add in a few jokes or lines of my own, so at the very end as guests were exiting my tram I would say something along the lines of, “We hope you have a good night, and a great big beautiful tomorrow!” (Do you recognize which ride that's in homage to?) One of my last nights, I was making the rounds on the Heroes side of the parking lot and we had reached our last stop at Mulan and Rapunzel. There were about 50 guests on board or so, with one of my last rows being occupied by a large family. As we approached our stop, I was delivering the end of my spiel saying something like, “Alright everyone, Mulan will be to your right and Rapunzel to my driver’s left. Thank you again for being our guest today, we hope you have a great rest of your night! Drive carefully, and we’ll see ya real soon!” As soon as I had said the last sentence, a little boy, no older than 7 or 8 who belonged with the family in the last car stood up and shouted, “Hey! That’s Mickey’s line!” His whole family began to chuckle, and I was surprised that he was so quick witted about it. So I said to him, “Oh man, you’re right! But you know what? Mickey is my boss and I asked special permission if I could use it just this once!” to which the young boy said, “REALLY? Mickey is your boss??” I was able to spend just a moment more saying goodnight to them, but having the young boy get so excited that Mickey was my boss was absolutely adorable. As I’m writing this, I’m reminded of another time that another young boy and his family sat in the very back row of the last car, nearest to me while I was spieling. I was asking him and his sister about their day, what they enjoyed the most, and if they would ever come back to visit. The young boy pipes up at this point and says, “Oh yeah! When I get old enough I want to work here! I want to drive the trams just like you! And we live in Orlando so I’ll be really close to home!” The excitement and innocence in the boy’s response was so encouraging to me. At least one kid thought I was cool!

2.      One of the positions in the lot was something called Jack’s Point. At the end of the night, when everyone is exiting, the person at Jack’s Point is in charge of making sure that everyone walks around the tram lane instead of through it, for their safety and our efficiency. At this post, you get to carry a light wand, something that to a kid, looks very similar to a light saber! So I was at Jack’s Point one night directing traffic and giving directions, when a young boy carrying a large light up lightsaber toy walked past with his father and I overheard him say, “Why does she have a lightsaber too?” I didn’t hear his dad’s answer, but I jumped in and asked if the boy would like to have a duel. He of course was incredibly excited, so we circled each other and play fought with our "swords." He of course, eventually won and I fell to my knees. The look on his face alone was more than enough to make my week, but to see his parents smiling too was heartwarming. Knowing that I had supplied one last magical moment for that family was the highlight of my night.

3.      By far the funniest guest interaction I had was in the parking lot. It was late in the day, probably 6:30 or so, and we were parking Mulan. I imagine this had to be around March because I remember it being very busy and we were parking on the Heroes side, which doesn’t happen often late in the day. Each “row” in the parking lot can hold two rows of cars, one right behind the other. We call these the single, first row, and the double, the second. I was walking down the line, parking the single and if I recall correctly I had just had a guest nearly clip me with their car, so I wasn’t in a fantastic mood. Suddenly, this car pulls into the space I’m parking with the windows rolled up, but the music is blaring. I’m getting a kick out it because the man in the front seat wasn’t having any of it, while the ladies in the car were having a blast. There was a lull in traffic, so I was able to stand there for a minute and hear what song was playing: Adele’s Hello. Of course I started singing along, and at some point I made eye contact with the driver. She immediately rolled down the windows to the car, cranked the stereo even louder, and we sang- very passionately, I must say- the rest of the song to each other. Guests passing me on their way to board the next tram were laughing, I was trying to keep it together myself, and when the song was over, the entire car erupted into applause as well as one of my coworkers who saw the whole thing. I couldn’t stop grinning from ear to ear, and it made my entire night. This moment in particular sticks out to me because this is the first time that happened to me when I can recall thinking, “This is why I’m here. This is what makes this job worth the frustration.” I still laugh every time I imagine this moment!

4.      I’ve mentioned before that the parking lot is a tough place to be. You have to have thick skin and you have to be willing to go without recognition. I had gone my entire program feeling pretty good about the spiel I had developed over the course of six months, but on my second to last night ever on a tram, I was given some feedback about it. We had just finished dropping off the last of the guests on the Heroes side of the lot, and the family that had been in the last car with me made a point to come back and say to me, “Thank you so much for that! We have been coming here for several years and we have ridden many trams, but that was the best spiel we have ever heard! You did an amazing job!” Guys, I’m not kidding when I say that I almost broke down in tears right then and there. Even writing about it now makes me a little emotional. To go through my day, hoping that some of the guest’s appreciated my jokes and that I was making their day just a little brighter one last time was always my goal, but to have someone come up to me and tell me specifically that I had made their night was humbling. As long as we’re talking about being appreciated, I’ll mention the little notes I received. It has come to my attention that some guests who frequent the parks write notes or put little goodie bags together for cast members as a way to show their appreciation. I had been working in the lot for about 2 months when I received my first note- a young boy, no older than 5 approached me on the back of the tram and said “Excuse me! Excuse me! Here!” and handed me a small piece of paper. On the inside a handwritten note said, “CM, Thank you for all of your hard work! -Caleb & Ava.” Roughly a month later I received another note while I was in the load zone boarding guests. This one had a similar message, but it wasn’t until I got home that I realized the two notes were from the same family, both signed “Caleb & Ava.” By the end of my program, I had collected three notes from this family, and their actions alone gave me hope that we were doing something right.

5.      I guess I did save the best for last, because this memory sticks out to me as a time where not only the universe was looking out for me, but I was able to truly make someone’s day better. It was mid-afternoon, around 4 or so, and I was taking a round of guests out to the Heroes side of the parking lot. When it’s not very busy, you end up sitting for a while in the load zone, and sometimes you have to leave guests behind in order to keep the trams moving efficiently. That exact scenario happened to me, and despite explaining that I had to move out of the way of the next tram, the guest was not happy that they could not board mine. As we pulled away, they shouted after me, and for whatever reason, it got to me in that moment. I felt defeated and frustrated, as I was only trying to do my job as I was taught. I held back tears and got through my spiel with much less enthusiasm than usual. As we rounded back up to the load zone, I thought to myself, “It sure would be nice to just have a happy moment today.” As soon as we stopped, a family boarded and sat in the very last row of my car, once again, in the spot closest to me. I engaged with the young girl, since she was wearing a birthday button and I swear she barely let me get a word in edgewise. She was so excited to tell me all about her day, the things she had done, and her little brother “Judie-Patootie.” I learned from her parents that they were leaving Disney, and were headed back to Georgia that day. They had taken Anna-Grace to Disney as a special trip for just her and her parents, but, “Next year we’ll bring Judie with us too!” I was so overwhelmed with happiness to see this little girl so excited about her trip, she clearly had had the best day of her life with us, and I decided to make it just a little bit better. As we approached our second stop, I spoke into the microphone and made an announcement telling the tram that we had a very special princess on board and that it was her birthday. I was able to get the whole tram, on the count of three to say, “Happy Birthday, Anna-Grace” just as we pulled up to their stop. The excitement on her face and the thankful smiles I got from her parents not only made my day and my week, but every time I was down or frustrated with something at work, all I had to do was imagine that moment of pure magic that I gave them, and I felt 100 times better. I hope that little girl still talks about her trip to Disney and I hope her parents will tell her about the Tram Lady who had everyone say happy birthday to her. Even if they don’t, I know for a fact that I made a difference on that one day, and that’s enough for me.

There were smaller moments in between, and even some on my days off that made me smile or laugh, but these were the big ones. The memories that still trigger a big grin and warm fuzzy feelings that let me know I made someone’s vacation just a little better, and a little more magical. If I can provide that, then I know I’ve made Walt proud, and that makes me feel honored to have been a cast member.

My Great Disney Adventure!

So my Disney program ended three months ago today, and I think it’s time that I write about it, if not to make sure none of it disappears in light of whatever the next few months bring to me. So here we go, a full, detailed(kind of) recap of my six months working for Walt Disney!

I was able to sit at the foot of castle to get this picture. One of my favorite moments!

My program began on February 8^th and ended on August 4^th, 2016. I worked for the Walt Disney World Resort for 185 days in the parking lot at Magic Kingdom. Now as some know, I had quite the first week, the first couple of days even, in Florida(find the full story HERE). It was an interesting transition to say the least, and upon finding out that I would be in the parking lot, I won’t lie- I was disappointed. I wanted so badly to be in the park itself, and when I was initially assigned the role of “Hopper” I didn’t entirely understand that that meant I would be assigned a permanent role, they just hadn’t quite decided yet.

Upon my arrival, I spent a week moving in, checking in, and settling down and another week in training. I learned how to drive the tram in the parking lot and how to deliver the safety and informational spiel. I learned how to correctly and efficiently park cars and I learned about the gloriously long breaks at the Ticket and Transportation Center. And you know what? After a month, the parking lot wasn’t all that bad. I had made friends with the other CPs and I got along with my other peers and supervisors. I learned very quickly that the parking lot was a boy’s club and you had to have thick skin if you were going to keep up- both with the coworkers and the guests. My role is probably at the bottom of most anyone’s list when it comes to things they’d like to do for Disney, but let me tell you that I am not lying when I say that I would gladly trade in my cashier nametag and go back to the TTC at the drop of a hat. I loved (almost) every moment of my time in the parking lot and I absolutely wouldn’t trade my experience for anything. If not for the memories, then for the people I met. You couldn’t have dropped me into a more diverse and eclectic group of humans if you tried, and yet I came away with a new family. I met some of the most genuine and loving people while on my program, and I met some real assholes too. But family nevertheless, the parking lot was my home, and safety yellow was my color of choice.

A quick word about the uniforms-never in my life have I ever worn something that was simultaneously hideous, unflattering,uncomfortable, and awesome as Hell. When I arrived, I was so worried that the parking uniforms were going to be white. Now that may sound like an odd concern, but let me explain: nearly every costume at Disney involves obnoxious colors and horrendous patterns, and I was going to be heartbroken if I traveled all the way from Iowa to be told that I didn’t get to wear one of the outrageous uniforms. I wanted to be part of the show! You can imagine my elation when halfway through a training day, I saw my first picture of a parking cast member and they were wearing the bright yellow stripes in all of their glory. Not only are the uniforms made from some kind of horrible polyester/canvas blend, but they come up right under your boobs, at least for the women, and any one item always had an odd odor. I came to know that as the parking lot smell- a mix of sweat, dirt, oil, and various fumes that just didn’t seem to disappear, no matter how many washes you put your clothes through. I swear I can almost smell it now… As if the stripes and canvas weren’t bad enough, we had to wear the bright orange and yellow safety vests because we operated machinery. Any semblance of a human shape sprints out the door when you slip on your zippered vest, but have no fear, you’re visible, rain or shine!

The best group of CPs a girl could ask for! From left to right: Chantal,
me, Kevin, Sarah, Ingrid, Brittney, and Jenn (Not Pictured:
Cary, Rachel, and MacKenzie)

The majority of my time spent in Florida was spent at work. I had a few friends who really made the most of their free passes into the parks, and others who spent even MORE time than I did at the TTC. I worked the night shift, as did the other CPs, so a typical day for me meant waking up at noon or 1pm because I didn’t get to bed until 4 the night before and getting ready for the day. I learned two things very quickly: one, makeup was pretty much useless in the parking lot. Unless you wanted to throw on a little mascara, the rest was going to quite literally melt off within the first 2 hours of your shift. Everyone was gross, and no one was looking, so I saved my full-face days for dressing up and going to the parks. Two: always always ALWAYS take the earlier bus. TranStar has a knack for being horribly late and extremely off schedule. If you needed to be at work at 2pm, you most definitely should take the 1 o’clock bus and sit in the break room for 20 minutes, because otherwise you’d be SOL.

My average shift was about 10 hours, and most of the time I was off at 2am so I was heading into work around 4 or 5 daily. There were a few positions in the parking lot, and most times you got to rotate through almost every spot throughout the night, I think I can only recall one or two days where I was stuck on a tram the entire shift. I won’t go into detail about every position, maybe in a later post just for posterity sake, but everyone had their favorites and everyone had the one they absolutely hated. For me, being at point in the actual lot or spieling on a tram for the Heroes side were probably my favorites, with Villain’s point and setting the lot and the end of the night being in close contention for third.

Being point in the lot meant being in charge of sending cars down the line to park. It was clearly the best spot to be in because you got to talk to everyone who was rotating through the lot parking the cars and all you really had to do was call in row numbers on the radio. Spieling in general was always fun, but specifically I enjoyed the Heroes half of the lot because it just seemed more laid back. The crazy guests really did seem to gravitate to the Villains trams.
Not only did I like the Heroes side better but there was a perfect time of day to be on a tram as well: somewhere between 7-10pm, as it’s just starting to get busy from everyone exiting the park, the sun is setting, and you get to see Wishes from the back of the tram- if you’re lucky! I came to love our parking lot, not only because it was massive (at over 130 acres, it can hold Disneyland and its entire parking lot), but because it really was beautiful. I was able to watch the 4^th of July fireworks show from the back lots and had a spectacular view, I saw Wishes again and again from the back of the tram, I witnessed roughly 100 gorgeous and unique sunsets along the way, and there was always something special about parking cars at twilight as the sun dipped below the trees. 

Now don’t get me wrong, there are days when the lot and I just didn’t get along. Days when guests were extra cranky, or when it was just miserably hot and humid. Days when would have to tram walk. In case you were curious about the position that I hated, this was it. I didn’t like to create or be in the middle of guest conflict, though I know a few people who enjoyed just that, and so to be a tram walker was my worst nightmare. The job description was basically this: stand in front of 500 angry, tired, and impatient guests while the trams make their rounds. Tell those people to stand behind the yellow line, to fold their strollers, to sit in their own seats and not on laps, and to stop boarding the tram. All of these duties you performed as a spieler as well, but when you pissed someone off, you got to leave with the tram. As a tram walker, you had to remain right there right along with everyone you made angry. You were the scapegoat for all of the pent up frustration, and I kid you not when I say that you could always feel the anger rolling off of the guests. Did I mention I hated tram walking? You might think now that the guests I encountered were all rude and angry, but that is simply not true. While being a parking cast member is mostly a thankless job, I had several moments with families that will forever stick out in my mind as moments that make it all worth it. 

Not only did I have a job that I loved, but as a cast member I was given a free pass into all four of the parks.This meant that most any day, I could get into any park at no cost. I was also allotted a number of guest passes based on how many hours I had worked, which allowed me to get friends and family in for free as well. As I mentioned before,I have friends who have taken advantage of this particular perk more than I ever did, but I don’t regret any time I spent inside the parks. Maybe I’m just biased because I worked there, but Magic Kingdom was my absolute favorite place to go. The atmosphere and the sense that Walt had been there was tangible. Walking down Main Street always took me back to a different time and place, and I was never disappointed by the small details I discovered as I moved around the park. The nighttime entertainment was superb, with Celebrate the Magic (RIP)and Wishes still being pieces of music that get stuck in my head. My favorite ride, The People Mover in Tomorrowland was always a must as well as strawberry ice cream cone from the Plaza Ice Cream Parlor.

I met my first princess at the age of 22 inside Magic Kingdom, Princess Tiana, and I realized a childhood dream come true when I met Ariel a few weeks later. I always enjoyed spending time with friends at the park watching the Festival of Fantasy parade or riding Pirates of the Caribbean, but something about taking the day for myself to wander around and people watch was so relaxing and so joyful. Turning away and leaving Main Street and the Castle behind me for the last time was heartbreaking for me, because it truly felt like I was leaving my home. The feeling of joy and wonder that I experienced every time I stepped through those gates was overwhelming, and I never expected to fall so in love with a place like Disney. I have worried since I returned home that wanting to go back was childish, but I think I have decided that there is nothing immature about being happy where you work and wanting to bring that same joy to the people you serve. I made the difference for a handful of families while I worked for Walt,and I know that’s what he always wanted. If I can continue to make someone’s day a little brighter simply by being myself, I think I’ll be able to go home happy at the end of the day.

A good friend took this on my last night at Magic Kingdom.
Saying goodbye was emotional, but I'm glad she captured it.

I did spend some time outside of the parks and outside of work, but for the most part I stayed within my Disney bubble. I made great friends and amazing memories, and aside from the handful of times I had to be in a position that I wasn’t excited about, or the moments when I had to deal with a frustrated guest, I truly loved the parking lot- have said that at all yet? I grew to love my co-workers (most of them), and I certainly came to appreciate the various duties in the lot. I even kind of miss my costume. Not a day goes by that I don’t miss being there, and I do have plans to return. Those plans may come to fruition a little sooner than I had originally thought due to some unforeseen circumstances, as I am currently and anxiously waiting for an email that will confirm or deny my position in the Spring 2017 program. If I am granted the chance to go back, I knew exactly what I will do differently: I will take more pictures, I will write more stories, and I will adventure more outside of my comfort zone. The ultimate goal will be to make as much money as I can to save for school, but I know that I can take a moment and truly enjoy every moment. Even if I am denied the opportunity to return for a second program, my end goal remains the same: finish school, and return to Walt Disney World. I had the time of my life there, and I learned so many new things about myself. I became more of who I believe I’m supposed to be and I wouldn’t change a single moment of the time I spent there or the time I have spent since leaving. Until next time, Walt!

Far Away

It's been hard. It has only been one week away from you, but so much has happened that it feels like an eternity since I saw your face, and since I held your hand. I missed you so much before I arrived. The way your eyes light up, or how your laugh sounds in person, or how perfectly I seem to fit in your arms. I missed your stories and your voice, the things we did together and your hand on my knee while you drove. 

It's like we have these little pockets of time where we are real. One month here, a weekend there...and it's hard. Please don't misunderstand, because knowing I'll get to talk to you and I'll get to hear your voice on the other end of the phone is what gets me through the day. I mean that the distance is so hard emotionally, and it's tough on our relationship too. I wish that we had time to be together now, because I'm worried that all of this distance and time spent apart is going to force the relationship to be old and mature long before it needed to. I want us to be able to date and be silly and flirty and have fun together and not be so burdened by something like 1200 miles between us. 

I want this to be real. It would break my heart if we got burned out while we were still apart, because it just wouldn't be fair. I don't want us to live through an entire relationship in a few months time and through a few thousand text messages. I wish there had been more time for me to be there with you, for us to be together, because I want this to be real. I want to go on cute dates to fancy dinner(or even just Steak and Shake), and I want to walk around Rollins just because. I want to go to the grocery store and buy stuff to make dinner together, I want to go tour a winery. I want to go see the sunset with you more than once, and I want to sit around and watch a ballgame with you. I want us to have the chance to be real...and here's where you're going to tell me to stop borrowing worry from the future, but I need to say it anyway.

When I come back, because I do still plan on coming back, I wonder how this is going to work. It was easy when I only had 2 weeks left and worked at the same place you did, and it was easy to forego sleep for a few days because I was only around for that long, but what happens when I'm on the day shift and you're not? When I don't get a Friday or Saturday off regularly? When we can't find time to be together and do those things even when we're only 30 miles apart. Again, I'm aware that that is an issue for further down the road, but then again, it may be closer than you imagine. I'm worried that we're going to have too many obstacles, that THIS is the easy part, being halfway across the country from one another. 

You mean so much to me, and I have no plans of walking away. I'm a person who plans and who looks way too far into the future, probably. So for me, looking is scary right now, because while I'm confident in us and this connection that we have, and while I want so badly to just be near you, I know that the circumstances outside of our control are not in our favor. It's easy to exist within a hotel room over 48 hours, or from 1am-4am for 2 weeks, but I just don't know how to make it work, how to make it real, when we're bound to be on opposite schedules and with no place of our own- mine or yours. I know I'm borrowing from the future, trust me I'm aware. And it's not something that sits on my mind all the time, just these last couple days I've been thinking about it. I'm worried for us, and I can't really just turn that off. 

My Brown Eyed Girl

I want every memory with you to be carved in stone. I don't want a single second to go wasted, not one moment to fall by the wayside.

I know that the big stuff won't fade. I know that I will always remember your hand on my face when you kissed me for the first time, and the way that you turned to lean against the car and pull me close to you. I will always remember singing at the top of our lungs in your car and driving around aimlessly just so that we could hear the entire eight minutes of Paradise by the Dashboard Light. Forever I will remember standing at the water's edge with your arms around me, just enjoying the ocean. I will always remember laying in your arms for hours, watching the clock tick down and being heartbroken together.

These moments and many more I will always recall. Walking around Rollins and seeing your old haunts, the way the universe put us on one last tram together on my last night, sitting with you in the lounge at the Grand and being so nervous because I had asked you to lunch. Plucking up the courage to kiss you on the cheek and hoping that I didn't go too far. Sitting in several parking lots and feeling like I was 17 because we were definitely breaking the rules. Hearing you tell me that I was brave and having you kiss away my tears when I realized it was true, and how unfair it was that I had to leave. Sitting close to you at the bar and getting to just be with you. Driving home with you almost every night for two weeks because it became comfortable. I want every single one of these moments to be sealed, to be preserved just as they happened. If I could have a movie made of these memories, I would make 100 copies because I would wear every single one of them out.

Wise men say, only fools rush in. Oh, but I can't help falling in love with you....

It scares me that already you are fading. It's the small parts of you, of us, that I am afraid to lose. The way that you smell, or the exact feeling of you fingers interlaced with mine. The way that your hair felt between my fingers, or the small noises you would make when I kissed you. I want to remember the way that your eyes would soften when you looked at me, I want to recall every single moment that you called me beautiful. I want to remember touching your cheek and recall how you would press into my hand and close your eyes. The secret smiles and all of the meaningless conversations in the breakroom, sitting close to you in the van or seeing you in the lot. God, how I want to remember every time that we passed each other on a tram and waved- the head tilt and crooked smile. Every moment when I would text you and watch to see your reaction from across the room, or the way that I could feel your eyes on me as I walked your tram. I want every small interaction to be just as ingrained in my mind as any of the rest.

In the morning I'm leaving, making my way back to Cleveland...and I don't see how you could ever be anything but mine...

Leaving you was one of the hardest things I have ever done, because how in the world am I actually supposed to leave someone that I love, even when I know that it's what is best at that time? I never wanted that Saturday night to end, I never wanted to leave the perfect bubble we had, because the moment we left that room, it was all different. It would never be the same, we both knew that, and if I could go back to that moment and lay there with you forever, I probably would. Words cannot describe how much my heart hurts and how much I just want to hold you. I'm scared that if I visit, everything will be too different, we will be too far removed....

I know they say you can't go home again, but I just had to come back one last time....

I want that perfect bubble back, I want those last few nights where you held my hand in public and kissed me in front of people and I never want to stop feeling the way that I do about you. I am scared to change, because I've known you were right from the moment that you said, "this will look much different to you a year from now." I don't know what role you play in my life, what lesson I learn here.

I do know that I miss you with every part of myself every single day that I am gone. I know that it has only been three weeks but it feels like an absolute eternity. I know that the thought of being with someone else, that even the thought of being married down the line, tears me apart because how could I ever want to be with anyone but you? You can create the ideal scenario where I'm not bound to you and where I can look back and know that you will always be the one that was perfect, but you cannot stop my heart from feeling the way that it does. I know that you showed me what it's like to be loved, cherished, and cared for; what it's like to be put first. I know that you changed me and you made me better.

I hope that I never tire of hearing your voice on the other end of the phone, and I hope that any reunion we have is just as sweet as I'm imagining in my head. You have a pretty good track record so far, so I hope that you continue to be right in that I won't lose you and I won't forget you. I am true and brave and resolute, and elegant and sophisticated and refined and you helped me to see that, so most of all, I hope that you know how incredibly important you are to me, and how much of me you have forever.

Looking Back

I've been rereading some of my old posts, stuff from a few years ago, and I'm trying really hard not to be embarassed by it. I was such an entirely different person in 2013 than I am today. My thoughts, my worldview, my opinions...they have all be drastically altered by my life experiences and the people who I have interacted with.

I'm almost ashamed of some of my thoughts, because I know who I was. I know that I was part of the Church and I know that I mostly blindly followed along, believing whatever was taught on Wednesday night and Sunday morning. I never thought for myself, and now I question it all. Going through sophomore year and losing all sense of who I was and what made me who I am, I was so lost. I felt like a failure because I didn't feel comfortable in my own skin, and I certainly didn't feel comfortable in church anymore.

Today, I stand tall and resolute. I have a pretty good idea of who I am and what I stand for. I know that love is love, and that's not something you can put bounds on. I know that drinking with your friends, or even on your own is not the worst thing in the world you can do. I know that having sex before marriage, be it with one person or 20, doesn't make you a sinner. All of these things and many, many more experiences make you a human being. I'm trying not to be embarassed by my past, because that's also a real part of me and it shaped who I am today. I think it's an important lesson to learn: that where I came from and who I am today can exist in the same universe. I think it's still going to take some time to make that thought stick in my head, but I'm trying.

Worry Not...

I know that I really shouldn't worry. Trust me, I know that. So here is my running list of all of the things that are worrying me, so that maybe I can put them to rest for a while.

I'm worried about my future. How am I ever going to earn enough money to make rent, bills, AND start paying off those student loans? It scares me that I still don't know what I'm doing after school. I feel a little like a failure because all I want to do is finish school, but I have no plans when I step off that stage after graduation. It feels irresponsible to not have any idea of where I'm going. I'm 22, going on 23...surely I should have some idea by now, right? I mean I have ideas, but what if they don't work out? What if I choose one and I should have followed the other path? There are so many uncertainties and for someone who likes to have things planned out, this is incredibly tough.

I'm also worried about myself a little bit. I've been through Hell and back in the last three years; there was a time when there was absolutely no light at the end of the tunnel. It seems that for now, I've come out on the other side, but I know there will be more hard times down the road. I forgot what happiness was for a while, and when I found it again, it took me some time to allow myself to be happy. I'm worried that I'm going to forget how to be happy again, or that I'm going to leave my happiness behind. That was a huge worry for me when leaving Orlando, but that one has worked out okay so far. I know that I am strong, brave, and resolute....but I feel apprehensive as well.

I'm worried about the motive behind my choices. I do want to return to Disney, but is that for the company or is it for the people? And if it's for the people, is that a good enough reason to go back? Is it childish to want to return to Disney, something that I should just let go and allow it to be part of my past? I knew that my time in Florida would be important for me, I never expected to be leaving people that I loved. My heart has never hurt so much knowing that I may not see some of those people again, or that if I do, I will most likely be some time.

I'm worried about the guy. I never expected to find anything like this when I went down to Disney. To be honest it wasn't really on my radar, I was too focused on enjoying the new experience. Then it just happened. My heart hurts, and I'm connected across 1200 miles to a person who I care about greatly. The distance scares me because even though we decided not to be together in any official sense, we talk every day and we share those moments. Lord knows that I understand what all can change in a year's time, so I'm worried for how I will feel a year, 6 months, 2 weeks from now. I know the guy will always be there for me, absolutely right there, but I am worried that I'm not going to be the person he thinks I am. That I'm going to be selfish and hurtful, that I'm going to make things worse for someone that I love.

I received good advice from Mrs. Beridon last night. She told me to journal over the next few months, to keep track of my feelings, goals, opportunities, and outlooks so that when it comes down to 6 months or a year from today, I can go back and see the train of thought. So that when I step off that stage in May and head into an internship, I know what my next step will be.

Make a plan and then let the plan worry. I'm going to try to be better about writing, either here or in a real journal. I go through waves, but I think this is a time where I need to be diligent.

Happiness

I know that I am impulsive, and I know that sometimes I am not happy with the choice I've made after the fact. I don't always sit down and think through every single avenue and option, and I just do what makes me feel better in the moment and dealing with the rest later on. Last night I had a moment where I made an impulse decision. I was angry and somewhat embarassed, so I permanently deleted a post that had only been up for a few hours that tracked my train of thought through the move back from Orlando. I deleted it because I didn't want someone to see it. I wanted it to seem more put together and less childish and wandering, as many of my posts seem to do.

But here's the thing: this space is mine. Once in a while another person comes along and reads one or two things, but for the most part this is a place for my thoughts and my inner dialogue. Why should I be embarassed of my thought process? Why should I ever be ashamed of my own voice? The answer is that I should not. If I'm going to write, I'm going to write for ME. Not to impress anyone, not so that I don't shake my head at myself five years from now when I'm rereading something. I'm going to write for myself, in the moment, whatever feels cathartic and good and helpful.

It's too bad that I had to permanently erase a piece of me to figure out this obvious little lesson, because I do feel bad about my decision now, but I think I also understand a little better why the writing is so important to me. It's my heart on the line, my emotions laid bare, but it's for ME. Its my way of coping and organizing the mess inside my head into a coherent train of thought. It's the best way I know how to look at a moment and work through the in's and out's. I'm still trying to decide if I'm going to attempt to recreate the lost post or not, but I know that I won't ever again erase something because I'm afraid of how it makes me appear. This is my voice and I'm going to use it.

Check-in Day!

If I could choose, I probably would have made this morning run a little bit smoother, but all in all, I'm still here.

Last night I stayed at the Pop Century resort and I'm pretty certain that the young woman who checked me in sent me on a wild goose chase. I walked for probably half of a mile with my two carry-on's weighing heavily on my shoulders (no really, I have the bruises to prove it) around the entire complex before I reached building 9. I thought I was on the other side of the world from everything. This morning however, it took me all of 3 minutes to get back to the central lobby. Easiest route my ass. Anyway, once checked in I pretty much crashed, but I did not sleep well. I was expecting my bags to be delivered all night(which they were not), so I woke about once every couple hours worried that I would miss the knock at the door. Then this morning comes around and I have next to no luggage to shower or dress with. This also meant no deodorant and no toothbrush for the better part of my day, what a first impression right?

After finally collecting my baggage I was mistakenly delivered to the back parking lot where I impatiently awaited a bus that was supposed to take me where I needed to be for check-in. At this point I was running behind due to a misread of my schedule, but luckily for me, some rules were bent and the bus delivered me to my stop (but not before I sat among Disney Cast Members with my bags stuffed to the brim on what was clearly not my appropriate mode of transportation).

Once I arrived at Vista Way Pavilion, I had to carry all six of my bags for roughly another half mile or so to the Welcome Center. At this point I was flustered, half an hour late, and very tired. It took me several stops and many deep breaths so that I didn't completely meltdown at 9am. I was finally able to dump that God-forsaken luggage and proceed to check-in where I received my job placement (Parking Ops at Magic Kingdom), my housing ID (don't ask), and my new apartment (Vista Way). Following check-in, I went to Casting where I was finger printed and briefed on training, and then we were on our own.

I took the opportunity to move in to my new room and rest a little before completing my drug and alcohol testing. I met my roommate and was able to unpack most of my belongings and as I write, I am sitting on a bench awaiting my bus to Walmart because this girl needs food.

This day certainly had its downs, but it has had its ups as well! I have arrived safely and am fairly optimistic. Tomorrow is a new day to explore and settle in. I have a housing welcome session and on Saturday I get to participate in Traditions and become an official cast member (with a nametag and everything)! For now, I'm off to get some Doritos and a nice mug for tea :)

Effie Does Disney

At 1:35 p.m. today, my flight left from the Des Moines International Airport headed for Charlotte, NC. Once there, I will be a hop, skip, and a jump to Orlando where I will be spending my next 6 months working for Disney World.

I have never been more than 40 miles from home for any long periods of time, and I have never gone solo on a such a huge adventure (I do think that Noah would have been impressed with me). I am both excited and terrified to embark on this journey, but I know that I am gong to have the time of my life.

I know that 10 years from now I'll look back on this time and remember working for the "Happiest Place on Earth." I'll remember the feeling in my stomach when that first plane took off and how giddy I was to actually be landing in Orlando, and probably even how sad I'll be when I have to leave. I'll tell my friends and kids and anyone who will listen the same story 20 times because this is going to shape me. I haven't even hardly completed the first leg of my journey but I already know this is going to be big.

Sitting here now in seat 13A I can still hardly believe this is happening to me! After all that I have been through in the last few years, this feels like a break in the clouds, and I am so excited to take advantage of this opportunity. I was talking to someone the other day and I told them that I don't ever want to find myself sitting inside on the couch watching TV on a day off, and I truly mean that. I want to DO while I am here, I want to make the absolute most of my time- even if that means visiting the Magic Kingdom every single day to occupy myself. I want these six months to be a chance for me to overcome and enjoy myself, to love who I am, and to make some changes for the better (I'll be damned if I don't come back with a kickin' beach bod)!

The last two weeks were very difficult for me. I was having a hard time processing that I would actually be leaving my friends and family, and I didn't really know how to calm my fears. However, in the last 14 days my friends have showed so much love towards me and I feel so overwhelmed because of it. It's easy to start to feel alone when you're going through transitions or rough times, but I know as I leave Iowa I am not saying goodbye to a single person, only "see you later," and because of my little army, I know I will be okay.

So watch out Orlando, and here I come Mickey, because Effie is about to kick some Disney ass! :)