One Last Time

There's this little weight that sits on my shoulders sometimes, or maybe it's more like a storm that hovers over me. Either way, it clouds my judgement and makes me restless. It's the same monster time and time again, but it's not always hungry for the same thing. Occasionally it can be satisfied with change- a new tattoo, new hair, a new location or an adventure- but often times it wants to create uncertainty for me. It wants to be fed doubt and despair and anger. I haven't quite figured out how to satiate this particular demon yet, but I think writing is always a good start for me, even if it doesn't come easy. I somehow find comfort in putting my thoughts down, especially because I can't always express them when I'm just talking to someone. I really feel out of my own skin when I get to this point. I become irritable, short-tempered, and very introverted. I don't want to face the day, and I certainly don't want to be social. But I'm trying to learn how to overcome this one, how to handle the emotions and keep the selfish actions at bay.

After being denied for the Spring College Program, I had a realization: I was truly heartbroken because of the lost opportunity to work for Disney again. Of course I was sad because that meant that I wouldn't be near my friends or near Steve, but I was absolutely disheartened because I wouldn't be able to walk down Main Street and I wouldn't be able to see the castle, and I wouldn't get to work for the place that makes me so happy. It was then that I realized my wanting to return was true, and not just temporary or for some guy. Disney makes me happy, and I deserve to be happy. I have spent so long trying to make college work for me, trying to put my head down and just push through. But it's now been four and a half years, and I done being unhappy. The major I'm working on isn't one that excites me, the job prospects aren't ones that I'm interested in. I'm only 22, almost 23, but I deserve to be happy and I've decided I'm going to make that happen. Last week, I applied for a part-time job at Walt Disney World in Quick Service Food and Beverage, next week I have my phone interview. I feel very confident in my qualifications and I feel very confident that a position with this company will make me happy. If I am offered a position, I am pretty certain I will move.

Now, don't get me wrong. I may be fed up with school, but I do want to finish. I want to have my degree, so that if I lose my job or if I decide I'd like to move up and make a real career out of my work, because Lord knows I don't want to be checking at HyVee for the rest of my life, then I have that option. I'd like to get it done sooner rather than later, so if I move then I'd like to transfer universities and finish school in Florida, but maybe it'll go more like my mother said and five or six years will pass before I get the motivation I need to get my degree. Either way, I know myself, and even if no one else thinks I will, I know I will finish college one day. It may not be at the end of this semester and it may not be from Iowa State, but dammit, I'm going to check that off of my list.

So here looms the BIG question: should I stay, or should I go? (Yeah, yeah...I couldn't resist.) In all seriousness, I'm a little stuck. Everything in my heart is telling me to go, and I mean everything. My inner voice says to follow that feeling and chase happiness, because that's all we really have. And who am I do disagree? Some people work their whole lives in a job that they hate, but what if I get to be one of the few who gets to work in a place that they love? I flop back and forth between "following my heart" and "doing the responsible thing," but who's to say that following my happiness isn't the responsible thing for me? I know who in my life falls into the second camp, and I know who want's me to just be happy with my choices. I know who loves me and who is looking out for me, and I can glean as much advice and wisdom from these people as I'd like, but ultimately this choice is mine.

I had a coworker ask me yesterday, "why did you ever leave" and I couldn't answer her! I don't know why I left... maybe I needed to come back here to realize how important it is for me to go back. Maybe I needed the chance to come home and say goodbye, or to really think through this decision and feel like I made the right choice. I'm glad I came home, but I also can't help but feel like I missed out on a lot by not staying there, mainly when it comes to Steve. The difficulty of trying to keep a relationship going across 1200 miles takes a toll on the people involved. We should have never had to spend six months apart after only knowing one another for a month or so; that time should have been spent going on dates and making out in cars, and drinking bottles of wine in hotel rooms. It should have been seeing each other at work and riding home together every night. Then again, who knows... if I had extended my program maybe I wouldn't have ever felt the need to speak up and make my feelings known, maybe I would still be sitting there wondering "what if?" I'm nervous to make a move halfway across the country for a person, and while I know that the majority of my moving would be for the job itself, I can't deny that a little bit is for him. I want to be near him, and I think we deserve that. He is prepared for me to do that, and I think I am getting there too. It's not as if we're going to live together, and it's not as if he is the only person who I would love to see and be around. Even if everything goes south between us, I feel confident that I would stay and I could make myself happy.

I know that I really shouldn't dwell on the future, and if I'm being honest, I haven't thought about it where it concerns our relationship near as much as I have in the past. However, this potential move, this potential huge life change makes me wonder what we have in store, and that too is weighing on my mind. There are things that I want to talk to him about, but I know we're not quire ready for, and I believe they are conversations to be had in person anyway, definitely not over the phone or over 1200 miles. I was talking to my mom the other day, and she reminded me that I've wanted to have kids since we can remember, and I've always wanted to be married as well. She asked, and I realized that I'm not sure if those are things that he would want, and I don't know how our relationship will look after having that conversation. For now, I'm trying to realize and rationalize that all of these uncertainties and worries about our future are cropping up because of this life choice, and I need to just let the relationship run the course it's going to. There will be a time and place for that conversation, and it will make itself known. Rushing things will not bring any kind of satisfaction.

As I await for my interview date to arrive, I will no doubt become more anxious and more nervous, because with that interview comes a big decision. I know what I want to do, and I have a pretty good idea of what I will do, but ultimately I will follow my gut. This next week I am going to try to listen to myself and give pause for the concerns I have, because I think every emotion in this time is valid and deserves to be recognized. However, I will not let it overtake me, and I won't let the fear consume me.