I'm going insane tonight. I am at work, my regular 10pm-8am shift, but I am here with the new hire who will be doing some audit shifts during the week and she is driving me up a wall.
Much like Lisa, who I already have to deal with at home, this woman laughs at EVERYTHING. She also feels the need to narrate her every move and inform me every time she goes pee. She's already told me about her divorce from her cheating ex-husband and how shes going for another (better) job interview tomorrow morning.
It's just too much information. I don't care. I don't know you. Please leave me alone.
I was talking to my friend Rachel earlier tonight about how I've become such a hermit in the last year or so. I of course love hanging out with my close friends, but when I am at home, I just want to be left alone, and social interactions that involve lots of new people stress me out. I've also become quite comfortable being alone at work. In fact, because I feel pressured to be pleasant at home, work has become the space where I do have some alone time. Maybe that's why this woman is driving me crazy, because it feels like an infringement on my personal time to myself. It would also help if I felt like I could go sit down without her starting a conversation or narrating to me why she's organizing, or that she's organizing at all. I think it also rubs me the wrong way that she's kind of been snooping around the back office tonight as well. Nothing too serious, but apparently she tried the handle on Amanda's office, because she found the file-folders in there.
I think I'm just grump because Ryan has me working on his computer training. It sucks as a training program, and I literally just completed my own program last night, so it's just all of the same exercises over and over. I wish you could test out of the modules. Instead of going through all of the training, you could just take the end test and however well you did determined what extra modules you had to complete.
I'm rambling. I just wanted to do anything other than work on that training for a minute. And I really needed to vent about this woman because all of my friends are asleep already.
Thursday, January 3, 2019
Wednesday, January 2, 2019
1.2.19 [A Series]
I've committed to writing a post per week on my public blog, but I'm considering making a lighter promise to write daily here. Just as a disciplinary exercise for myself, and also to track my various emotions, especially over the next few months as I finally finish school and make the big choices that follow. No one will know but me if I miss a day or two here and there, but I want to try to write as much as possible. It's been too long since I had a good cathartic piece, and something tells me I'm going to need more than one outlet this year.
I'm sitting here at 4am because I told my supervisor that I would cover her work shift. That means I need to stay up until around 8am so that I can sleep through until the start of my shift and not be too tired overnight. So I started my new blog (LOL) and I wrote a New Year's post, and then I got to reading over my old stuff. I went as far back as Noah, and then jumped over to WFW, and started reading through everything I had written up for that first program. I of course started to feel sad and nostalgic and went ahead and opened up the soundtracks for some old faves including Happily Ever After. Sitting at my desk at 4:30am crying to some Disney music, I decided to write this post.
I won't say that I don't feel bad about the way things ended with Katie. I really do feel bad. That's one of the biggest things on my heart tonight, so much so that I went to Facebook and considered unblocking her and sending a message. But I think that kind of blow-out needs more than 18 months to feel less...brand new. I don't expect there to ever be a friendship there like there once was, but I hate that there is anger and animosity. It all went too far, and everyone was far too heated and temperamental in the moment. I do wonder if she ever feels the same, or if she wrote me off without so much as a second thought. Maybe in a couple years I can reach out. I don't really know how much time it takes.
Along the same lines of losing people, I have been thinking about Steve lately, and Bre. I wonder if they are okay, and what they're up to. I think Steve would love the McElroy brothers, and I really wish I knew if Bre was still being the strong independent woman I know she can be. Upon a quick Facebook stalk, I have found that she appears to be single and as gorgeous as ever. She also seems to be out of the Disney bubble, because her hair is a magnificent shade of teal. I miss her. I feel melancholy this evening, because I am missing my friends and I am missing the place that I have called home on two different occasions.
I still wonder if all of this "missing" is childish or unfounded. I know I'm not the only one who wishes they could go back, but I sometimes wonder if anyone has pondered over it as much as I have. Do I or don't I? Should I or shouldn't I? Will I or won't I? I don't know. I hate not knowing. I have always hated not knowing. I am downright terrible at just letting things be and watching them play out. I might have control issues. In romantic relationships and in major life decisions at least, I have found that I really and truly hate the unknown. I believe that there are multiples paths I can take, I don't think there is one exact route. I do believe there is a common theme or an underlying purpose, and that if I end up down a path that does not lend itself to that theme or purpose, it will eventually autocorrect and get me back on track. There will be nudges and signs along the way that point me in the direction I should go. But what do I do when right now, there are signs for everything. Of course I miss Disney. Of course I do. I healed there, and I found happiness, and I found my passion. Of course I am going to miss that place and all of the memories that come along with it. Just because I miss it, does that mean I have to go back? I have never missed anything this much before, so I don't have a frame of reference.
Hello, Universe? Are you listening? What am I supposed to do? Does it matter? Will I find contentment wherever I go, or is there a path that will bring me more fulfillment than another?
No doubt this life will be filled with trial and error to get me to where I need to be. I have experienced much of that already. So the question is this: do I fall back into what I know to be familiar territory and follow that path to its end, or do I branch out and try something new, knowing that it very well may fall through completely? What if the familiar thing is the thing that falls through? What if I decide to go back, and it's awful, I don't make any friends, and I don't get enough hours? What if the third time is not the charm, but ends up ruining all of the lovely memories I had from before? What if I move somewhere else, like Seattle or Denver, and I'm just not quite satisfied knowing I'm not in Florida at Disney? What if I stay right here in Des Moines to get my bearings after graduation a little bit, only to find myself still here in 30 years, having done nothing else?
I am so scared of having an average life. I think that's a symptom of seeing everyone else live fabulous lives on social media. An average life is okay, and I know that more likely than not, I won't get to do all of the things on my bucket list. Hell, I could wake up dead tomorrow, and have done none of it. I don't know. Funny thing is, THAT unknown doesn't really bother me. So do I go follow the thing that made me SO HAPPY for 18 non-consecutive months, or do I go and try something new and crazy and different just for the sake of doing something else?
I don't know why I am so caught up on this. I know there are ways to do it all- there are these things called vacations after all. Is it perhaps in itself a sign that I should return because I have continued to be so caught up? After all, that second program only came about because of my restless yearning. That one did feel a little different though, it was as if I knew something great was going to happen. I feel drawn back now, but maybe in a different way. Maybe in a "I miss this great place and I can't wait to see it again," kind of way, not in a "I really and truly feel like I need to work there again," kind of way. Because that was the thing wasn't it? I thought I needed to go back and work there again. Maybe all I need is a week long vacation and some tickets to the parks. Maybe all I need is an Annual Pass.
Part of me says, "Yesssss, do it. Go baaaaack, be happy now," and the other says, "Try something new. Disney will always be there for you, now or later!" I'm trying to figure out which little voice is the right one to listen to. Maybe I already know, and I just don't want to admit it to myself.
On an unrelated note: I uploaded my first YouTube video tonight. It was nothing special, but it was my first bold step into 2019. I'm doing new things and I'm being vulnerable and real. I'm proud of myself.
I'm sitting here at 4am because I told my supervisor that I would cover her work shift. That means I need to stay up until around 8am so that I can sleep through until the start of my shift and not be too tired overnight. So I started my new blog (LOL) and I wrote a New Year's post, and then I got to reading over my old stuff. I went as far back as Noah, and then jumped over to WFW, and started reading through everything I had written up for that first program. I of course started to feel sad and nostalgic and went ahead and opened up the soundtracks for some old faves including Happily Ever After. Sitting at my desk at 4:30am crying to some Disney music, I decided to write this post.
I won't say that I don't feel bad about the way things ended with Katie. I really do feel bad. That's one of the biggest things on my heart tonight, so much so that I went to Facebook and considered unblocking her and sending a message. But I think that kind of blow-out needs more than 18 months to feel less...brand new. I don't expect there to ever be a friendship there like there once was, but I hate that there is anger and animosity. It all went too far, and everyone was far too heated and temperamental in the moment. I do wonder if she ever feels the same, or if she wrote me off without so much as a second thought. Maybe in a couple years I can reach out. I don't really know how much time it takes.
Along the same lines of losing people, I have been thinking about Steve lately, and Bre. I wonder if they are okay, and what they're up to. I think Steve would love the McElroy brothers, and I really wish I knew if Bre was still being the strong independent woman I know she can be. Upon a quick Facebook stalk, I have found that she appears to be single and as gorgeous as ever. She also seems to be out of the Disney bubble, because her hair is a magnificent shade of teal. I miss her. I feel melancholy this evening, because I am missing my friends and I am missing the place that I have called home on two different occasions.
I still wonder if all of this "missing" is childish or unfounded. I know I'm not the only one who wishes they could go back, but I sometimes wonder if anyone has pondered over it as much as I have. Do I or don't I? Should I or shouldn't I? Will I or won't I? I don't know. I hate not knowing. I have always hated not knowing. I am downright terrible at just letting things be and watching them play out. I might have control issues. In romantic relationships and in major life decisions at least, I have found that I really and truly hate the unknown. I believe that there are multiples paths I can take, I don't think there is one exact route. I do believe there is a common theme or an underlying purpose, and that if I end up down a path that does not lend itself to that theme or purpose, it will eventually autocorrect and get me back on track. There will be nudges and signs along the way that point me in the direction I should go. But what do I do when right now, there are signs for everything. Of course I miss Disney. Of course I do. I healed there, and I found happiness, and I found my passion. Of course I am going to miss that place and all of the memories that come along with it. Just because I miss it, does that mean I have to go back? I have never missed anything this much before, so I don't have a frame of reference.
Hello, Universe? Are you listening? What am I supposed to do? Does it matter? Will I find contentment wherever I go, or is there a path that will bring me more fulfillment than another?
No doubt this life will be filled with trial and error to get me to where I need to be. I have experienced much of that already. So the question is this: do I fall back into what I know to be familiar territory and follow that path to its end, or do I branch out and try something new, knowing that it very well may fall through completely? What if the familiar thing is the thing that falls through? What if I decide to go back, and it's awful, I don't make any friends, and I don't get enough hours? What if the third time is not the charm, but ends up ruining all of the lovely memories I had from before? What if I move somewhere else, like Seattle or Denver, and I'm just not quite satisfied knowing I'm not in Florida at Disney? What if I stay right here in Des Moines to get my bearings after graduation a little bit, only to find myself still here in 30 years, having done nothing else?
I am so scared of having an average life. I think that's a symptom of seeing everyone else live fabulous lives on social media. An average life is okay, and I know that more likely than not, I won't get to do all of the things on my bucket list. Hell, I could wake up dead tomorrow, and have done none of it. I don't know. Funny thing is, THAT unknown doesn't really bother me. So do I go follow the thing that made me SO HAPPY for 18 non-consecutive months, or do I go and try something new and crazy and different just for the sake of doing something else?
I don't know why I am so caught up on this. I know there are ways to do it all- there are these things called vacations after all. Is it perhaps in itself a sign that I should return because I have continued to be so caught up? After all, that second program only came about because of my restless yearning. That one did feel a little different though, it was as if I knew something great was going to happen. I feel drawn back now, but maybe in a different way. Maybe in a "I miss this great place and I can't wait to see it again," kind of way, not in a "I really and truly feel like I need to work there again," kind of way. Because that was the thing wasn't it? I thought I needed to go back and work there again. Maybe all I need is a week long vacation and some tickets to the parks. Maybe all I need is an Annual Pass.
Part of me says, "Yesssss, do it. Go baaaaack, be happy now," and the other says, "Try something new. Disney will always be there for you, now or later!" I'm trying to figure out which little voice is the right one to listen to. Maybe I already know, and I just don't want to admit it to myself.
On an unrelated note: I uploaded my first YouTube video tonight. It was nothing special, but it was my first bold step into 2019. I'm doing new things and I'm being vulnerable and real. I'm proud of myself.
Tuesday, January 1, 2019
A New Year's Day Post
On my personal blog a few years ago, I attempted to write one post per week for the duration of the whole year. I got very close, only dropping off at the end when I went to Disney- I imagine I was quite busy. 😉 I would like to try something similar this year, as I have this peculiar feeling that 2019 has some really great things in store for me. I have several "goals" or things I want to focus on for this year, and I would like to have a place to talk about them and a place to look back on all of the stuff- good or bad- that's going to happen to me. I've started a new blog as part of my effort to create a brand for myself, and it's not that I'm ashamed of the things I have said on my other blog, but just that some of it is still very personal and private, and not everything is for everyone to see. I hope you can understand, as I'm sure you do. With that, let's jump right into 2019, and the things I want to work on!
Friday, October 19, 2018
Super Cool
So here's my last 24 hours so far:
--Wake up at 6am and fart around until 10am until I go to an eye doctor's appointment that took 15 minutes in total and cost me $95.
--Go home and find that I am unable to sleep because of all the running around, so I watch a few episodes of Game of Thrones, go buy some groceries, and finally get a four hour nap before work.
--Go into work and write a three page paper out of thin air because at this point I'm really over writing stupid papers. Halfway through the night, I have to call the police because there is a domestic disturbance going on up on second floor and I don't have security on Thursday's.
--Stopped at QT for a coffee and a breakfast bite, and the Starbucks brand cold bottled Pumpkin Spice Latte I bought was gross as Hell. $3 wasted,
--Get to Ames and get settled to register for my final semester of classes, EVER, only to find out that I can't register for one of them because I haven't officially declared my Event Management Minor yet. Discover that I have to wait around after classes today until 12:45 so I can run around and get some signatures so I can register for this damn class that only has 65 seats available and counting. This means I don't get to go home at a reasonable time and get a reasonable number of hours of sleep before work tonight- again.
--Go to my last class of the day where we've been working on a group project all week, and today is the final bit where we turn it in. My other two groupmates are MIA. Gone. Dead, maybe. I would just put their names on the paper because what do I care, but here's the kicker- I don't know either of their names because I'm an old curmudgeon these days and I don't like people (or maybe it's just because it was a silly project and we didn't bother to introduce ourselves).
--Walk over to Palmer to wait for my meeting in 40 minutes only to trip up the last three stairs in front of a cute boy, AND find out that they've taken away the couches in the lounge. I can't even nap for 30 minutes.
Fuck me.
--Wake up at 6am and fart around until 10am until I go to an eye doctor's appointment that took 15 minutes in total and cost me $95.
--Go home and find that I am unable to sleep because of all the running around, so I watch a few episodes of Game of Thrones, go buy some groceries, and finally get a four hour nap before work.
--Go into work and write a three page paper out of thin air because at this point I'm really over writing stupid papers. Halfway through the night, I have to call the police because there is a domestic disturbance going on up on second floor and I don't have security on Thursday's.
--Stopped at QT for a coffee and a breakfast bite, and the Starbucks brand cold bottled Pumpkin Spice Latte I bought was gross as Hell. $3 wasted,
--Get to Ames and get settled to register for my final semester of classes, EVER, only to find out that I can't register for one of them because I haven't officially declared my Event Management Minor yet. Discover that I have to wait around after classes today until 12:45 so I can run around and get some signatures so I can register for this damn class that only has 65 seats available and counting. This means I don't get to go home at a reasonable time and get a reasonable number of hours of sleep before work tonight- again.
--Go to my last class of the day where we've been working on a group project all week, and today is the final bit where we turn it in. My other two groupmates are MIA. Gone. Dead, maybe. I would just put their names on the paper because what do I care, but here's the kicker- I don't know either of their names because I'm an old curmudgeon these days and I don't like people (or maybe it's just because it was a silly project and we didn't bother to introduce ourselves).
--Walk over to Palmer to wait for my meeting in 40 minutes only to trip up the last three stairs in front of a cute boy, AND find out that they've taken away the couches in the lounge. I can't even nap for 30 minutes.
Fuck me.
Tuesday, July 10, 2018
Where Did It Go?
I don't know when exactly I discovered writing as a hobby, but I know that since that time I have adored it. I know that over the years I have developed my voice and that it truly is a cathartic experience for me. If I have a problem, I can write about it and it helps me to work through the thousand thoughts in my brain. If I want to celebrate something, it allows me to relive that moment over and over. The majority of my writing is for me- this right here is my own personal blog. Very few people have the link, I don't share it often. The thoughts and writings here are very much like my own personal diary, and because of that, I write freely. I say things I wouldn't say out loud, and I tell secrets to the big empty internet. I have found on more than one occasion that I will write extensively about a thing that is bothering me, and then I find relief. I find peace and suddenly that thing is no longer taking up so much of my brain space.
This has appeared to have happened with the Disney issue, and I am truly surprised. Where did this intense feeling to return go?
Maybe it's because I've thrown myself into really, ACTUALLY working out and being healthy and learning everything about those things that will help me to make big changes. Maybe my focus has been so into THAT that the rest has fallen by the wayside. But when I take a moment to think about how I feel and what I'm missing, I'm not so broken anymore. I feel more at ease with not being there. So then maybe it's because I'm almost done with my summer classes, and once I'm done with these, then I only have TWO semesters left in school total, plus an internship next summer. Maybe the idea of finally being able to say, "I did it," is taking up some of that space that the other stuff was.
Perhaps it's a little bit of everything. A little bit of time, a little bit of healing, and a little bit of shifting my focus, but I don't feel so sad anymore. I still miss my animals- I really hate not getting to see my tiger cubs grow up- and I still miss my friends. But I think maybe taking the time to write down what I missed about that place, and breaking it down into solvable issues helped me to see that I was being a little irrational. I CAN make a difference where I am, in whatever job I hold. And I CAN visit Disney whenever I want. Perhaps being so far from home just isn't something I can do, and that's okay.
Another thing that occurred to me the other day is that I want to live alone before I am in a serious relationship with someone (marriage kind of thing). I want to have the experience of living completely alone, by myself, in my own solitude. And that is something I will not be able to do if I move back to Florida. Housing is just too expensive, and unless you have a high paying job (i.e. NOT Disney), then you need roommates. I am ready to branch out and have my own place, and I won't have time or money for that if I go back. This is an important enough step for me that it does make a difference in how I see that journey.
Finally, I know that there are so many things I want to do and try in my life.
I would like to try owning my own business.
I want to run a non-profit.
I want to travel the world.
I want to work in conservation.
I want to work with and for animals.
I want to work in nature, and educate the public.
I want to plan events and see big projects come to fruition.
These are only a few things, and I know that if I spend any more time wandering around Disney, even if I am kind of happy there, I will be wasting time that I could be accomplishing these goals and dreams.
I don't ever want to feel like I was stuck, or like I was burdened by that place. I had two amazing college programs and I learned so much about myself during both of them. I can see an Annual Pass in my future. I can see frequent visits and numerous pictures in front of that castle, but I think maybe, at least for now, my time really is over there. And for the first time since I decided not to extend my program in the summer of 2016, I feel content with that idea.
So, where did it go? That desire to return? I don't think it went anywhere, instead I think it just has molded into something different. I think now it appears as my drive and my passion to make change and to be happy. To chase my dreams, whether they are in my backyard or halfway around the world. I will forever be grateful for the time I spent with Disney, and it still thrills me to know that MY name is in the books forever, part of that legacy bigger than any of us. Now, it's my turn to take the little bit of magic that was granted to me, and to try and grow it and make it bigger once more.
This has appeared to have happened with the Disney issue, and I am truly surprised. Where did this intense feeling to return go?
Maybe it's because I've thrown myself into really, ACTUALLY working out and being healthy and learning everything about those things that will help me to make big changes. Maybe my focus has been so into THAT that the rest has fallen by the wayside. But when I take a moment to think about how I feel and what I'm missing, I'm not so broken anymore. I feel more at ease with not being there. So then maybe it's because I'm almost done with my summer classes, and once I'm done with these, then I only have TWO semesters left in school total, plus an internship next summer. Maybe the idea of finally being able to say, "I did it," is taking up some of that space that the other stuff was.
Perhaps it's a little bit of everything. A little bit of time, a little bit of healing, and a little bit of shifting my focus, but I don't feel so sad anymore. I still miss my animals- I really hate not getting to see my tiger cubs grow up- and I still miss my friends. But I think maybe taking the time to write down what I missed about that place, and breaking it down into solvable issues helped me to see that I was being a little irrational. I CAN make a difference where I am, in whatever job I hold. And I CAN visit Disney whenever I want. Perhaps being so far from home just isn't something I can do, and that's okay.
Another thing that occurred to me the other day is that I want to live alone before I am in a serious relationship with someone (marriage kind of thing). I want to have the experience of living completely alone, by myself, in my own solitude. And that is something I will not be able to do if I move back to Florida. Housing is just too expensive, and unless you have a high paying job (i.e. NOT Disney), then you need roommates. I am ready to branch out and have my own place, and I won't have time or money for that if I go back. This is an important enough step for me that it does make a difference in how I see that journey.
Finally, I know that there are so many things I want to do and try in my life.
I would like to try owning my own business.
I want to run a non-profit.
I want to travel the world.
I want to work in conservation.
I want to work with and for animals.
I want to work in nature, and educate the public.
I want to plan events and see big projects come to fruition.
These are only a few things, and I know that if I spend any more time wandering around Disney, even if I am kind of happy there, I will be wasting time that I could be accomplishing these goals and dreams.
I don't ever want to feel like I was stuck, or like I was burdened by that place. I had two amazing college programs and I learned so much about myself during both of them. I can see an Annual Pass in my future. I can see frequent visits and numerous pictures in front of that castle, but I think maybe, at least for now, my time really is over there. And for the first time since I decided not to extend my program in the summer of 2016, I feel content with that idea.
So, where did it go? That desire to return? I don't think it went anywhere, instead I think it just has molded into something different. I think now it appears as my drive and my passion to make change and to be happy. To chase my dreams, whether they are in my backyard or halfway around the world. I will forever be grateful for the time I spent with Disney, and it still thrills me to know that MY name is in the books forever, part of that legacy bigger than any of us. Now, it's my turn to take the little bit of magic that was granted to me, and to try and grow it and make it bigger once more.
Thursday, June 21, 2018
Pardon Me
Today, I'm sitting in the same cafe that a little more than a year ago I was sitting in the day I found out what my new role would be on my second college program. I remember sitting nervously waiting for my friend Rachel to look up my name, and if I would even be in the system yet. After the fact, that day felt like all of the synchronicities built upon one another were leading me in one single direction- and maybe they were.
It feels really silly to say it out loud, but I do think it's true to some degree. I'm depressed, and it's because I'm not at Disney. I've built this thing up in my head as something amazing and unique and phenomenal. And maybe it was. But then again, maybe it was just another job- some internship 1500 miles from home. Why do I feel like this one 8 month period has defined my life? Why do I feel like a failure for coming home?
I tried to explain it to my mom, but she doesn't get it, just like Kelsey doesn't. And maybe that's the thing, because Emma Louise does. And Susannah does. And Alayna, Nicole, Michael, Charla, and Brianna. If you were there, if you experienced it, then you get it. You get that it was just a job and some days you really couldn't stand to be there. Some days the heat was brutal or you were completely drenched from a surprise rain shower and all you wanted to do was go home. Some days the people absolutely sucked and so did your attitude. But you would also know that it was fulfilling and joy-making. That on your days off, something kept drawing you back in. That when the clock was ticking down on those last days and last hours, something inside of you was breaking. That when you pulled away for the last time, you left a piece behind.
Yes, I wanted to come home. I was homesick, and I did want to finish school. I felt guilty for being in Florida, 1500 miles away, while my dad sat at home alone. While his memory got worse. While my mom sat at home, worrying about her only daughter. While our newly restored relationship sat waiting for me to come back. While the idea that I was throwing my education away hung over my head. While the thought that I had possibly disappointed my family and friends weighed on me. I did want to come home, but the second I clocked out for the last time, I felt sadness.
Long before that, weeks leading up to my last day I was worrying over if I had made the wrong choice. And in some ways it mirrored that first program, but it was for different reasons. I had fallen into some kind of love the first time, and maybe I did this time too, but it was with a person before. And those things fade, and break. I know even now, that this love I have for those animals isn't going anywhere any time soon. I considered quitting both times, yes. 1500 miles is a damn long way to be from everything you've ever known. Sure, I'm doing something good now. I am finishing my degree and moving on from that particular season in my life. I am very much looking forward to the day I am finished, and I am glad to be here finishing it. But this other thing was good too. It was good in a soulful way.
I convinced myself that I needed to come home for me, but it was for everyone else. It was for my mom who only has one child and she was halfway across the country from her. It was for my dad who seemed to be fading before my very eyes, who I believed was disappointed in me. It was for Kelsey who I love dearly, and needed me to encourage her to go back to school too. It was for Kaylee who needed me to support her in her daily struggles. It was for all of these people because they needed me, and it was selfish of me to be away doing this silly thing. And in reality, how full of myself must I be to believe that the people I love need me within arms reach to be okay? I told everyone it was for me- I was going to go home and finish school. I had finished my time, and was leaving again. I was happy to be doing these things because they were the best for me. But now I'm not so sure that I wasn't just justifying the guilt.
So what is it that I miss? I've asked this before, but really, what do I miss?
-I miss the animals. I miss seeing them interact with one another, and just being near them. The animals at DAK became a part of me. But I can find animals that mean as much to me anywhere. I can work at another zoo, and develop those same feelings. I can even visit these animals!
-I miss the people. I miss the friend group, and the day-to-day routine of seeing some of the best people. But I can and will meet new friends wherever I go. I haven't lost the important friendships I made, and the truth is that those people will not be the same if I go back now. Some are gone, some have moved on, and it's never the same twice around.
-I miss the weather. I miss the massive rain storms and the humidity. I am romanticizing here, I know that. I know it was miserable most summer days, and that those costumes were horrendous. Probably almost anywhere else I could find more habitable weather.
-I miss feeling like I was making a difference, like my co-workers and I were all working towards a common goal- making happiness and joy. And while that big Disney logo helps to facilitate feelings of magic, I know that I could make that joy almost anywhere. Wherever I go, even at the hotel, we are working towards that same goal. And I can make a difference in the world in many lines of work.
-I miss the parks, and getting to go hang out in them whenever I wanted. I miss riding my favorite rides and seeing the nighttime fireworks. I miss feeling the magic for myself. This is perhaps the one thing that cannot be replaced by any other job or experience. Disney is a one of a kind place, and if it means this much to me, it's doubtful that any other place will do the same. But there are vacations, and there are annual passes. There are opportunities for me to go back, even if it's for shorter periods of time.
Looking at that list, how can I justify going back, when so many of the same opportunities can be found for me nearly anywhere else? I'll be 25 when I finish school. I could go down and spend 5 years working and moving around and maybe moving up some in the company. Would I view those years as wasted? Will my view be different 12 months from now? Will I even still be pining for this place? I wish I knew how to let it go, how Alyssa did. I wish I knew how to feel content HERE. How to feel like I am making good life choices here and still moving forward. It feels like my life is one big game of Chutes and Ladders, and I'll climb a couple ladders, but then end up sliding right back to the beginning. How do I look at the experience as a whole and feel content with it being over for now? Because instead I feel like my work is not finished there, and for the life of me, I don't know if that's true or just wishful thinking.
It feels really silly to say it out loud, but I do think it's true to some degree. I'm depressed, and it's because I'm not at Disney. I've built this thing up in my head as something amazing and unique and phenomenal. And maybe it was. But then again, maybe it was just another job- some internship 1500 miles from home. Why do I feel like this one 8 month period has defined my life? Why do I feel like a failure for coming home?
I tried to explain it to my mom, but she doesn't get it, just like Kelsey doesn't. And maybe that's the thing, because Emma Louise does. And Susannah does. And Alayna, Nicole, Michael, Charla, and Brianna. If you were there, if you experienced it, then you get it. You get that it was just a job and some days you really couldn't stand to be there. Some days the heat was brutal or you were completely drenched from a surprise rain shower and all you wanted to do was go home. Some days the people absolutely sucked and so did your attitude. But you would also know that it was fulfilling and joy-making. That on your days off, something kept drawing you back in. That when the clock was ticking down on those last days and last hours, something inside of you was breaking. That when you pulled away for the last time, you left a piece behind.
Yes, I wanted to come home. I was homesick, and I did want to finish school. I felt guilty for being in Florida, 1500 miles away, while my dad sat at home alone. While his memory got worse. While my mom sat at home, worrying about her only daughter. While our newly restored relationship sat waiting for me to come back. While the idea that I was throwing my education away hung over my head. While the thought that I had possibly disappointed my family and friends weighed on me. I did want to come home, but the second I clocked out for the last time, I felt sadness.
Long before that, weeks leading up to my last day I was worrying over if I had made the wrong choice. And in some ways it mirrored that first program, but it was for different reasons. I had fallen into some kind of love the first time, and maybe I did this time too, but it was with a person before. And those things fade, and break. I know even now, that this love I have for those animals isn't going anywhere any time soon. I considered quitting both times, yes. 1500 miles is a damn long way to be from everything you've ever known. Sure, I'm doing something good now. I am finishing my degree and moving on from that particular season in my life. I am very much looking forward to the day I am finished, and I am glad to be here finishing it. But this other thing was good too. It was good in a soulful way.
I convinced myself that I needed to come home for me, but it was for everyone else. It was for my mom who only has one child and she was halfway across the country from her. It was for my dad who seemed to be fading before my very eyes, who I believed was disappointed in me. It was for Kelsey who I love dearly, and needed me to encourage her to go back to school too. It was for Kaylee who needed me to support her in her daily struggles. It was for all of these people because they needed me, and it was selfish of me to be away doing this silly thing. And in reality, how full of myself must I be to believe that the people I love need me within arms reach to be okay? I told everyone it was for me- I was going to go home and finish school. I had finished my time, and was leaving again. I was happy to be doing these things because they were the best for me. But now I'm not so sure that I wasn't just justifying the guilt.
So what is it that I miss? I've asked this before, but really, what do I miss?
-I miss the animals. I miss seeing them interact with one another, and just being near them. The animals at DAK became a part of me. But I can find animals that mean as much to me anywhere. I can work at another zoo, and develop those same feelings. I can even visit these animals!
-I miss the people. I miss the friend group, and the day-to-day routine of seeing some of the best people. But I can and will meet new friends wherever I go. I haven't lost the important friendships I made, and the truth is that those people will not be the same if I go back now. Some are gone, some have moved on, and it's never the same twice around.
-I miss the weather. I miss the massive rain storms and the humidity. I am romanticizing here, I know that. I know it was miserable most summer days, and that those costumes were horrendous. Probably almost anywhere else I could find more habitable weather.
-I miss feeling like I was making a difference, like my co-workers and I were all working towards a common goal- making happiness and joy. And while that big Disney logo helps to facilitate feelings of magic, I know that I could make that joy almost anywhere. Wherever I go, even at the hotel, we are working towards that same goal. And I can make a difference in the world in many lines of work.
-I miss the parks, and getting to go hang out in them whenever I wanted. I miss riding my favorite rides and seeing the nighttime fireworks. I miss feeling the magic for myself. This is perhaps the one thing that cannot be replaced by any other job or experience. Disney is a one of a kind place, and if it means this much to me, it's doubtful that any other place will do the same. But there are vacations, and there are annual passes. There are opportunities for me to go back, even if it's for shorter periods of time.
Looking at that list, how can I justify going back, when so many of the same opportunities can be found for me nearly anywhere else? I'll be 25 when I finish school. I could go down and spend 5 years working and moving around and maybe moving up some in the company. Would I view those years as wasted? Will my view be different 12 months from now? Will I even still be pining for this place? I wish I knew how to let it go, how Alyssa did. I wish I knew how to feel content HERE. How to feel like I am making good life choices here and still moving forward. It feels like my life is one big game of Chutes and Ladders, and I'll climb a couple ladders, but then end up sliding right back to the beginning. How do I look at the experience as a whole and feel content with it being over for now? Because instead I feel like my work is not finished there, and for the life of me, I don't know if that's true or just wishful thinking.
Wednesday, June 13, 2018
Puff the Magic Dragon...
Every time I get high, I feel this need to document the journey so that later I can look back and see if there were any major revelations or perhaps discrepancies in time. The process is fascinating to me. So this last weekend, I had the last of a little caramel and started to write. Below is what came from it.
"I don't smoke, I eat edibles And there's a pretty familiar pattern.
First I can feel the skin tingles about 40 minutes in, and it's like clockwork.
Then the munchies. Oh my god the munchies. It's always a sweet and salty thing. And it's always really weird shit. Tonight- Nutella an French fried onions. You do what you can I suppose. Maybe I should try cooking something big.... but I need to go shopping.
Anyway...the munchies. And shortly after my head starts getting fuzzy and time begins to stretch. Following one thought is going to become difficult soon. There is a thick feeling in my throat, I get really bad dry mouth right around here too. And my arms and toes feel fuzzy like when I drink.
I just went to get some water. The feeling in my throat was too much. I can't type as fast as I'm thinking.
(Here is where I switched to my phone "notes" app. I couldn't type as fast as I could text.)
"I don't smoke, I eat edibles And there's a pretty familiar pattern.
First I can feel the skin tingles about 40 minutes in, and it's like clockwork.
Then the munchies. Oh my god the munchies. It's always a sweet and salty thing. And it's always really weird shit. Tonight- Nutella an French fried onions. You do what you can I suppose. Maybe I should try cooking something big.... but I need to go shopping.
Anyway...the munchies. And shortly after my head starts getting fuzzy and time begins to stretch. Following one thought is going to become difficult soon. There is a thick feeling in my throat, I get really bad dry mouth right around here too. And my arms and toes feel fuzzy like when I drink.
I just went to get some water. The feeling in my throat was too much. I can't type as fast as I'm thinking.
(Here is where I switched to my phone "notes" app. I couldn't type as fast as I could text.)
There’s always this feeling that there’s supposed to be repetition. Everyone goes through the same steps when high
But that can’t be true can it? Certainly every trip is different. My muscles feel heavy and twitchy
Curious/paranoid/chill
Different stages. Or maybe it’s the random sequence that makes it relaxing? Maybe this is what people enjoy about the drug? But I have the same thoughts all the time and it’s kind of annoying. Maybe I’m tony trying rough. Andy is wearing a hot pink shift and Ted an yellow tie. It’s so awful. How have inevver noticed this?? Sorry I kinda just gave up on the autocorrect because my thoughts were moving to padtS
(This is where I gave up on making sure my words were accurate. It was just way too time consuming, especially with how quickly my thoughts were changing. Sorry if things aren't legible.)
Oooo fizzy heavy eyes. Those snapeas sound so good right now: I’m almost out of French ions :( between micheals replies, it felt like about 20 mins. Is this accurate?
My muscles are def feeling shaking. It’s weird, I can ohsicaly feel it. I want to go for a walk. I really only need to last 2 more hours and I’ll be good but icky ic j have 4 hours in me
Heart palpitations. Or something. My breathing is heavier. Brain is very swirly. So is my chest. Limbs tingly. Pretty cold hut phone says 66. Feel like I’m hearing things extra loud now:
Going for a small walk. Listened it sufjan getting creepy bad vibes and knotnkn chest. Is this intuition or parianoi? Heat rate for sure increased. Can’t find a nice quiet drop spot out here. Cold wind feels nice.wow such paranoia right now like I’m freaking out a bit. Maybe I’ll just sit on the porch and the will have to do. Back
Home. Feeling better. Sitting k. Porchi lisengi g to interstellar ew bad heartburn
Wwedmaps?
(And almost like someone snapped their fingers, I suddenly found myself able to pay attention long enough to correct my typing again.)
Good time listening to the music. I can also form full thoughts again with min distraction. Went to sleep about 4:30am. Start time was 2am almost on the nose, I ate the edible at 1am. Major tired phase has passed, I’m surprised. I think I have usually given in by now. Maybe I need to allot myself more time. I’d love to have a WHOLE day or a whole vacation just for being baked. I need more weed in my life. Damn.
So that's it. I can remember all of the moments that I was typing and some of the things I was feeling. It's interesting to read back on, and now that I've documented it at least once, maybe I can just chill next time and not think so critically.
Update on this as of the beginning of 2019: Yes, I have chilled out quite a bit. Either this log helped me to not be so critical, or I have just accepted the chain of events as truth. Also, I do smoke now ✌️
Update on this as of the beginning of 2019: Yes, I have chilled out quite a bit. Either this log helped me to not be so critical, or I have just accepted the chain of events as truth. Also, I do smoke now ✌️
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