I've committed to writing a post per week on my public blog, but I'm considering making a lighter promise to write daily here. Just as a disciplinary exercise for myself, and also to track my various emotions, especially over the next few months as I finally finish school and make the big choices that follow. No one will know but me if I miss a day or two here and there, but I want to try to write as much as possible. It's been too long since I had a good cathartic piece, and something tells me I'm going to need more than one outlet this year.
I'm sitting here at 4am because I told my supervisor that I would cover her work shift. That means I need to stay up until around 8am so that I can sleep through until the start of my shift and not be too tired overnight. So I started my new blog (LOL) and I wrote a New Year's post, and then I got to reading over my old stuff. I went as far back as Noah, and then jumped over to WFW, and started reading through everything I had written up for that first program. I of course started to feel sad and nostalgic and went ahead and opened up the soundtracks for some old faves including Happily Ever After. Sitting at my desk at 4:30am crying to some Disney music, I decided to write this post.
I won't say that I don't feel bad about the way things ended with Katie. I really do feel bad. That's one of the biggest things on my heart tonight, so much so that I went to Facebook and considered unblocking her and sending a message. But I think that kind of blow-out needs more than 18 months to feel less...brand new. I don't expect there to ever be a friendship there like there once was, but I hate that there is anger and animosity. It all went too far, and everyone was far too heated and temperamental in the moment. I do wonder if she ever feels the same, or if she wrote me off without so much as a second thought. Maybe in a couple years I can reach out. I don't really know how much time it takes.
Along the same lines of losing people, I have been thinking about Steve lately, and Bre. I wonder if they are okay, and what they're up to. I think Steve would love the McElroy brothers, and I really wish I knew if Bre was still being the strong independent woman I know she can be. Upon a quick Facebook stalk, I have found that she appears to be single and as gorgeous as ever. She also seems to be out of the Disney bubble, because her hair is a magnificent shade of teal. I miss her. I feel melancholy this evening, because I am missing my friends and I am missing the place that I have called home on two different occasions.
I still wonder if all of this "missing" is childish or unfounded. I know I'm not the only one who wishes they could go back, but I sometimes wonder if anyone has pondered over it as much as I have. Do I or don't I? Should I or shouldn't I? Will I or won't I? I don't know. I hate not knowing. I have always hated not knowing. I am downright terrible at just letting things be and watching them play out. I might have control issues. In romantic relationships and in major life decisions at least, I have found that I really and truly hate the unknown. I believe that there are multiples paths I can take, I don't think there is one exact route. I do believe there is a common theme or an underlying purpose, and that if I end up down a path that does not lend itself to that theme or purpose, it will eventually autocorrect and get me back on track. There will be nudges and signs along the way that point me in the direction I should go. But what do I do when right now, there are signs for everything. Of course I miss Disney. Of course I do. I healed there, and I found happiness, and I found my passion. Of course I am going to miss that place and all of the memories that come along with it. Just because I miss it, does that mean I have to go back? I have never missed anything this much before, so I don't have a frame of reference.
Hello, Universe? Are you listening? What am I supposed to do? Does it matter? Will I find contentment wherever I go, or is there a path that will bring me more fulfillment than another?
No doubt this life will be filled with trial and error to get me to where I need to be. I have experienced much of that already. So the question is this: do I fall back into what I know to be familiar territory and follow that path to its end, or do I branch out and try something new, knowing that it very well may fall through completely? What if the familiar thing is the thing that falls through? What if I decide to go back, and it's awful, I don't make any friends, and I don't get enough hours? What if the third time is not the charm, but ends up ruining all of the lovely memories I had from before? What if I move somewhere else, like Seattle or Denver, and I'm just not quite satisfied knowing I'm not in Florida at Disney? What if I stay right here in Des Moines to get my bearings after graduation a little bit, only to find myself still here in 30 years, having done nothing else?
I am so scared of having an average life. I think that's a symptom of seeing everyone else live fabulous lives on social media. An average life is okay, and I know that more likely than not, I won't get to do all of the things on my bucket list. Hell, I could wake up dead tomorrow, and have done none of it. I don't know. Funny thing is, THAT unknown doesn't really bother me. So do I go follow the thing that made me SO HAPPY for 18 non-consecutive months, or do I go and try something new and crazy and different just for the sake of doing something else?
I don't know why I am so caught up on this. I know there are ways to do it all- there are these things called vacations after all. Is it perhaps in itself a sign that I should return because I have continued to be so caught up? After all, that second program only came about because of my restless yearning. That one did feel a little different though, it was as if I knew something great was going to happen. I feel drawn back now, but maybe in a different way. Maybe in a "I miss this great place and I can't wait to see it again," kind of way, not in a "I really and truly feel like I need to work there again," kind of way. Because that was the thing wasn't it? I thought I needed to go back and work there again. Maybe all I need is a week long vacation and some tickets to the parks. Maybe all I need is an Annual Pass.
Part of me says, "Yesssss, do it. Go baaaaack, be happy now," and the other says, "Try something new. Disney will always be there for you, now or later!" I'm trying to figure out which little voice is the right one to listen to. Maybe I already know, and I just don't want to admit it to myself.
On an unrelated note: I uploaded my first YouTube video tonight. It was nothing special, but it was my first bold step into 2019. I'm doing new things and I'm being vulnerable and real. I'm proud of myself.
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