Leaving.

I'm so upset with myself for leaving.

Why did I leave behind a thing that made me happy? For the first time in years, for the first time since starting college, I found something that brought me joy and I left it. Because I was weak and homesick. Because I was kind of sad. And now here I am, my heart hurts worse than it ever did before, raw and broken for the wonderful thing I left behind. For the happiness I had and for the emptiness I feel now.

I'm sitting here tonight at the hotel listening to the soundtracks of the nights that made my heart soar. To the words that gave me courage and let me know that I was on to something real. Why would I ever leave that thing?

Mom told me that if I got accepted and went back, that I should just go and not worry about school for a while. That I should follow this thing that made me so passionate and happy. And what did I do? I barely made it the eight months before I came running back. And excuses upon excuses, but I know in my heart that I was scared. That I was lonely.

So I took this thing that was placed before me in almost perfect synchronicity from the Universe and I blew it all away. And who would ever respect a person who moved states THREE times? I fear I could never go back for the silliness of it all, not to mention- could I live with myself if I was working two jobs at 28, one of them being minimum wage at a theme park? I doubt it. My heart is heavy with realization that the perfect timing that was offered to me has vanished. That perhaps for the first time, something is truly irreversible due to my own choices and my pride.

And so what even do I miss? Because there are other things I do want to accomplish in my life. Certainly at some point I could go back if I really wanted, or if I felt like I was still being pulled that way. So what do I miss? It's absolutely the animals. I miss seeing them every day, hearing them and being near to them. I loved them deeply and I do miss their presence and the happiness it brought me to see them. So is that all? I do miss some of the people I met, and I absolutely miss the weather, though it's finally nicer here. And I have such dear friends here, and of course my parents.

So what is more important? The idea that I want to be in Florida and part of something that I think made me so fundamentally happy, or being near to the people who love me unconditionally and finishing a degree that will have taken the better part of a decade by the time I'm done?