Dreaming of Home

Up until fairly recently, when I would begin to feel homesick or overwhelmed in my daily life, I would find myself missing my old home on Holcomb. Wishing that I could turn back time and live in the innocence of my younger years, just have the chance to enjoy my childhood home one last time- and no, that most definitely wasn't a Hamilton reference. While I was down in Florida for my program, I felt homesick for people(peoplesick?), and I developed a way to help me work through the restless nights where sleep evaded me. In my mind, I had created a safe space, a quiet room to lock myself in when the voices wouldn't shut up and thoughts wouldn't stop racing. This little room resembled the inside of my childhood home- the pale yellow walls of the dining room, the small blue kitchen leading out to a garden filled with good-smelling flowers. The walls were lined with book shelves and the room held two very comfy couches. It never failed, and still doesn't, that when I'm having a restless night I can retreat to my hideaway and fall asleep without much further fuss. 

So maybe since I gave my home a permanent residence in my mind or since I have given the memory a purpose, that is why I don't find myself longing for it when I'm sad anymore. Instead, now I dream of Disney. I long for the apartment on Meadow Creek Drive, for the scratchy and obnoxious costumes, and for the moment’s I shared with the people around me. If I concentrate, I swear I can smell the parking lot (for better or for worse) and I can feel the Florida sun on my skin and I hear Wishes playing the background. There’s no doubt that Disney feels like home to me now, or that someday I will return, but at the same time I know that when I return it will be a different experience. It won’t be my first time striking out on my own and I’ll know what to do differently. It’s easy to look at my longing for my childhood home and say, “well you were too young to appreciate all that you had.” And that’s true! I didn’t know what would happen to that home, that it would be impossible for me to return one day, and even if I had known I would have been to young still to take in every moment objectively. However, Disney I have no excuse for. I went into that adventure wanting to take advantage of every opportunity that came my way, eager not to waste a single moment, I wrote my first blog post on the airplane waiting to touch down in Florida. Then, somewhere between my first (semi-disastrous) day and mid-April, I forgot to be an active part of my surroundings, and now I sit here and regret all of the time that I wasted sitting on the couch in 3404. I packed so much into my last two months there, but just imagine all of the memories I could have made if I jumped headfirst into making friends, visiting the parks, and traveling around the area. The memories I did make during my time at Disney far outweigh the bad parts, and maybe even the regrets, but I’m trying to be okay with how I spent my time- especially now.

Missing my home, longing for a time when I was less stressed and far less weighed down by my impending future… why didn’t I take advantage of all that the DCP had to offer? Maybe that would be a good post: “What not to do on your college program.” I met amazing people, soul mates and people who changed my life forever. I made memories as an adult at a place that made me feel like a child again. And maybe that’s why it has become the new focus of my longing, because it made me feel innocent and protected again. I felt safe and happy and fulfilled at Disney, something I hadn’t felt in a long time. I was talking to my tattoo artist yesterday and was explaining how amazing it felt to finally have something that I really wanted to do after all of the confusion. How it kind of came out of nowhere, but all the same, there it was. I’m working on contentment this year, and this particular issue is near the top of the list, if not the first item. I want to be okay with where I am, but I want to be happy with where I have been. I can manipulate my future, I can change my surroundings and my circumstances, but I absolutely cannot roll back the clock. I must learn to be satisfied by my past, learn from any mistakes I think I have made, and make the necessary changes to ensure my future is what I want it to be.

This post got away from me a little, I feel as though I have been rambling and not making a whole lot of sense. I’m distracted and unfocused today, but I know that my heart has been heavy with this topic as of lately. I gave the house on Holcomb a purpose, so perhaps I need to give Disney a purpose too. Maybe it’s time that I try to make Waiting for Walt into something more than just a journal, but something to reach others. After all, isn’t that I feel called to do, at my core? Reach others, help others. I think it’s time that I take responsibility for my surroundings and take the chances I want to take. Here’s to jumping, falling, and succeeding!