These Halleujahs

I'm not who I am today. I know that doesn't make sense. I don't feel right in my own skin. I feel like someone different looking in, as if I can see my true self and it's not comforting. I don't like what I see today.

I see someone who is lazy and unmotivated. Someone who has dreams and aspirations but no real plans or means to reach them. I see someone stuck in bad habits and negative attitudes. I see someone who is restless for change, but not exactly sure where the change should come from. I look in the mirror and I don't recognize who I see. I see someone who has darkness in her eyes. It scares me.

I'm not good at being alone. Nights are the worst. My thoughts catch up to me and I don't know how to deal with them or drown them out. I think I used to be okay at being alone; I think I used to make it work. I don't know what I feel but I know it's not content.

Is this the depression again? This is similar to how I felt before. The unrest and emptiness. I don't want to feel this way and I don't want to be that person again. Maybe it's time to talk to my doctor. I'm still so scared to become reliant on some medicine. Why can't I help myself? I should be able to fix it on my own. I don't want to be another name on a list of young adults that take medication for depression when all it really turns out to be is school stress or something temporary.

I want to leave and I want to stay. I want to be on my own and I want the company. I want new and yet I'm afraid of change. I cannot actually contain all of these contradictory emotions. Little by little they're leaking out of me. I feel on the edge of exploding today. My head is so full and my heart is so heavy.