Scheduling

See, this is what stresses me out. I've spent the last hour and half looking at what classes I still need to take to finish a degree in social work. I've made a nice little organized list and I've put the groups all together. Neat. Then I start to actually plan how the following semesters would look, and I quickly lose my nerve.

I've really been thinking about what Noah told me the other day, about just finishing. Just getting a degree in something so that I'm not limited. I had heard that how many times before I took my semester off? It might be odd that it's just now resonating with me, but maybe I just needed to be in a different mindset. Regardless of the reason, it's been on my mind. So tonight, I got the urge to pull up my degree audit and see where I stand. You know, it's only intimidating when I write it down in front of me. When the red and blue categories look back at me from the computer screen, I find myself to be much more content.

Organizing and categorizing was fun, and I was on a roll. I got excited looking at class descriptions and imagining being back in class again. How terrible is it that I almost wish I had homework to do right now? As soon as I started putting classes into semesters and trying to make them fit, I became frustrated and overwhelmed. I became anxious at the idea of being here for another two years- which is about equal to the two summer sessions and the real three full semesters I'll have to take at this point. I'm suddenly angry at myself for taking this time off.

What was I thinking? 

When did I decide it would be a good idea to set myself back even more? I'm not sure that I quite regret taking the time off at this point, but maybe I'm not as happy with it anymore. I feel like this decision is weighing so heavily on my shoulders: do I go back or not? A month ago I felt as though I was finally out from under all of this, and now here it is again. Only this time, it's bigger. It seems like life and death. It's not just me anymore, floating through the void and waiting for opportunities to show up on my doorstep. I have to start planning and thinking of the future in serious ways.

So okay, why don't I want to be here? What is it about two more years that terrifies me and stresses me out?

At the top of the list would be the financial burden that two more years would bring, but if I'm being honest, I think that even above that is the question of what will happen to Noah and I? He's set to graduate at the end of the next school year, so what happens when I still have a summer and a semester to go- at least? What happens when he gets a job offer several states away and I have to finish school here? That's something that worries me very much, because even though we've had the conversations and we're on the same page, nothing is set in stone. Things change and stuff happens.

I'm sitting here nervous and frustrated and worried, and all I want, all I've ever wanted from this situation is to be more content and more at ease.