Firsts

So this past Saturday I enjoyed a few firsts. I went on my first ever real date and I had my first ever real kiss. Despite all that has been going on for the last month or so, that one night was a bright spot in the darkness.

I mentioned the Christensen family in my last post, they are the owners of the business I worked with for Ragbrai. Their son Keaton was on the trip this past week and he was the one who asked me out. I must say, it took him long enough to get to it, but it finally did happen.

There's not much to talk about, we only went out to a movie, but he did pick me up, he met my dad, and he opened my car door for me. He also paid for my ticket and my drink. He waited until the movie was almost over to start holding my hand and then he put his arm around me, and it wasn't until we were back in the car after the movie that he kissed me. When he pulled away, he said to me "Man, I have been waiting to do that all week long." He drove me home and we sat in my driveway for another 15 minutes and then he walked me to my door and kissed me goodnight.

I thought that things had gone great. He hadn't tried to go for more and I really appreciated that. We had a good time I thought, we laughed and joked around. One of the reasons I started crushing on him during Ragbrai was because he listens to country music just about as much as I do if not probably more, so to me the whole "farm boy" thing was a major plus.

Maybe it was because I told him it was my first kiss, or maybe meeting my dad was too much. I don't know what it was, though I really wish I knew. There's nothing worse than thinking something went great and having it turn out the opposite. If the date was awful, I could have walked away knowing it wasn't going anywhere. But why would this guy sit in the car and kiss me for 15 minutes and walk me all the way to my door to kiss me goodnight if it meant absolutely nothing. I told a friend that maybe kissing people and going on dates doesn't mean as much as it once did.

One thing is for sure, in this current age, social media becomes the tool to hide behind. Instead of sitting around for the last four days and wondering if I'll hear from him again, I would much rather have received a text that said "hey, I don't think this will work out, but thanks for the date!" I mean, I could respect that and I could move on. Now I'm stuck here between "do I confront him to know for sure" or "do I just let it go and assume I know the answer." The worst part of all of this is that he works Ragbrai and he works market, so there's no way I'll be able to avoid him in the future if I ever work either of those things.

I had a great time. It was a great first date and a great first kiss. I don't want those things to be ruined, I want to look back on those in the future and be able to say "I'm glad he wasn't a total creeper, that was all really nice." But overall, I want to be able to work with everyone and not have any problems. Does anyone know the protocol for a one-date working relationship? Do I act totally cool like it never happened? Do I ignore him completely? I guess I should be thankful that it didn't go further, as in more dates, because that would have probably strained my relationship with Brooke and the others.

I have found over the past few days, and the last week especially, that I want to reach out to Brooke and talk to her. When I went to market last Saturday, I ended up spilling everything to her about my parents and she was really great about it. I'm kind of looking to her like a sister, and she's not acting like that's weird. She encouraged me to talk to her if I needed someone. So I want to be thankful that I can have that relationship. I want to be thankful that things haven't taken a worse turn.

I think that the reason this particular guy has thrown me for such a loop is because of everything else I've been going through. He is this farm boy, this gentlemen, this guy that makes me laugh. We have the same sense of humor, the same taste in music, and we can talk easily- mostly because we're both pretty sarcastic. This guy is the kind of guy I've thought about dating, and in this particular time in my life, he was kind of a light in the darkness. In the middle of everything, I thought that maybe if I was having a bad day, he could come get me and take me away for a bit. He could be my escape. I just wanted someone to hang out with, someone who cared about me and just me. Someone who was mine and I was theirs. Just for a little bit.

Obviously, it's better for so many reasons that things aren't working out- the relationships I have with the other Christensen's being first. And maybe he only ever did want sex, but he was just patient. Maybe he realized that if that was my first kiss, it was probably my first everything and he didn't want to deal with that. Maybe I was too young- only a three year difference really. Maybe maybe maybe. I have to stop blaming myself though, because here's the ultimate reason that would have put a stop to any long-term relationship: no matter how far I am from God right now, I know that I could never be with someone who didn't love Jesus. I couldn't live my life forever the way that I have been living it now, and I know my friends wouldn't let me either.

None of that means that it doesn't hurt, that it doesn't sting. I can sit here and know that a week ago today we were flirting with each other, and that four days ago he kissed me and told me he had been waiting to do that for a while. I can sit here and feel the butterflies when he held my hand because it had been so long since someone had paid attention me like that. He obviously was interested for some period of time, and I'm trying so hard not to wonder if it was something I did, because that doesn't matter. I'm struggling a bit here and I just want to be okay with this. I have to make it okay.