Goals

    I had a moment this morning, a moment of real clarity. And I think I have had these moments before, but I really want to hold onto this one and make it stick. When someone asks me six months or a year from now, "How did you do it? You look great!" I want to be able to say, "You know, I just woke up one Saturday in April and decided it was time. And I haven't looked back."

    Kenny and I have been talking about some big life changes lately- owning a home, and maybe even having kids. I want to be able to teach my kids about living a healthy life, and I want to be able to live it myself, not just talk about it. I want to teach them to have a good relationship with food, and a great relationship with their bodies. I don't want to accidentally pass on my negative self-talk and I don't want to be in a diet mindset for my entire life. So I need to do the work now, so that when they arrive, I am already living the life I would want for them. I don't care about being this skinny tiny woman, I think that an adult woman should show her age. I am not afraid to have curves and be a little soft, I have grown to really love those parts of me, most days. But I do want to be strong- I want to be able to get down on the floor and play effortlessly, I want to be able to help carry in the groceries, I want to be a reliable partner in any home renovation projects we do- not leaving Kenny stranded or having to wait for a friend to have time to come help because I cannot. I want to be strong for pregnancy- my back already hurts, my hips ache. I want to mitigate as many of those symptoms as I possibly can. I want to be able to relax and relish in my body growing a human, without worrying about how my inactivity is hurting me even further.

    No more excuses, no more coping, no more whining. Just nose to the grindstone and doing the damn thing. That is the feeling I want to capture and bottle and hang on to. When we don't have food in the house that sounds good or appetizing, then I lean on snacks, and then I want to get off track. I need to stop overcomplicating the meal plan, and just make the things that I know I enjoy. I need to suck it up, and cook dinner. I can still live a life in the next couple of years that includes treats and days without tracking, but I know from experience, from three summers ago, that tracking works for me. I lost nearly 30 pounds just from tracking my meals and being good 90% of the time.

    I always want to try doing way too many things right out of the gate, and I need to just take it one step at a time. So here are my thoughts on a gradual step-up program to get me doing everything I should be doing to create a healthy body and lifestyle, without doing it all starting tomorrow.

    Today: I will meal plan for the next 3 months. This worked extremely well during my last serious attempt to lose weight. Having generic meals planned out on rotation meant that I didn't need to spend mental energy each week coming up with new meals and grocery lists. If I spend 2 hours today putting together a plan, then for the next 3 months I can just look at that calendar once and know what to buy for the coming week. I will also go to the store today and purchase this week's groceries. I am going to keep in mind simplicity, focusing on protein and fruit or veg with each meal. Low dairy, low sugar. I think that is when my body feels best.

    Week 1 (April 12-18): I will meal prep on Sunday and eat my planned meals throughout the week. We have no reason to get takeout, especially when it costs $30-$50 each time. This is money that we need to be saving anyway. Simple meals, simple prep. This is the only thing I am going to hold myself accountable to this week- just eating and tracking everything I eat. I want to see the scale go down by next Sunday, even if it's just water weight.

    Week 2 (April 19-25)-Week 6 (May 10-16): In addition to sticking to my meal plan, I will add in 3 walks. Each walk should be for a minimum of one mile. They can be on the walking pad, or outside, any day of the week. I think I should continue this minimum commitment- eating on plan, and walking 3x per week for a month or so. This is the minimum amount of care that I owe my body- moving semi-regularly and eating food that is nourishing 90% of the time. If I can get this rule-set to become more habitual, then I think I am ready to increase the intensity.

    Week 7ish (Mid-May): By this point I will have been following my meal plan for over a month, and walking regularly for about the same amount of time. At this point, I either want to increase the number of walks per week to 5 or increase their length to 2 miles minimum, maybe even adding in a run (as much as I can) 1 time per week. I want to increase the amount of movement I am getting in overall, while still keeping it sustainable. Maybe a good split could be: 

• MWF: walking 1 mile
• TR: walking 2 miles
• Sat/Sun: practice running, working on endurance and cardio

    In this way, I am not fully committing to a total shift in intensity, but I am still making an effort to increase the amount of exercise I am getting. I would like to work on this routine until I am able to run for a mile straight on each attempt. I genuinely have no idea how long it will take me to reach that point, I know right now I could probably slog through a quarter of a mile before absolutely having to stop. I imagine it would take me a few months to train my heart and lungs well enough to be able to run for a full mile comfortably.

    Month 4 or 5 (Around August or September): By this point, I hope that I am in a groove, in a flow. I hope that meal planning and eating within that plan is coming easily. By this point, if I haven't increased it already, I would like to be walking 2 miles per day, M-F. I think one mile per day is the absolute bare minimum to keep my joints happy, but I think 2 miles per day is the real minimum I want to live by on most days. It takes us 40 minutes right now to walk 2 miles, that's less than an hour each day to keep my body limber and to encourage better cardio health. Assuming that running for one mile is comfortable at this point, I would like to adjust my weekly split:

• MWF: walking 2 miles
• TR: running 1 mile, weight lifting (arms, legs)
• Sat: walking 2 miles, weight lifting (core/back)
• Sun: walk 1 mile, rest

    I am getting to a point in the planning now, that this feels out of my grasp and I think that means it is a good place to stop. I can make a plan today and I can grocery shop, and I can follow a meal plan this week. I can do those things for several weeks in a row and make incremental progress. The rest can be adjusted on the fly. But I have to stop changing every single thing I do at the exact same time and expecting to be able to sustain that kind of change. Small steps lead to bigger success. I need to stop holding myself accountable for a million different things before I am even proven successful at being accountable for one or two things. I know I am capable of creating and following a meal plan and losing weight through CICO. I have done it once, I can do it again. I just need to keep holding on to those small moments of success that build and build until I have accomplished my greater goals.

My current long term goals are these:

• Lose roughly 80 pounds (215 - 135)
• Run a 5k comfortably without stopping (3.1 miles)
• Complete 10 proper push-ups and/or pull-ups unassisted (no modifications)

Feelings

    Things have been difficult lately. I just can't seem to keep on track and meanwhile my weight ticks up, little by little. A few years ago it was 180, then 190, then 200. It's now 215 creeping toward 220. And not that weight is the end-all-be-all measurement for health, but I know I am not healthy. Going upstairs to get to the apartment is challenging. Bending over to tie my shoes is hard. My body does not fit in any of the clothes I own and I do not want to have to go buy yet another wardrobe. I am just so sick of what I have allowed myself to become, but the habits that led me here now feel like comfort. It's harder than ever to decide to eat the healthier thing, or go for a simple walk. It's become so easy to curl up on the couch and say "Tomorrow," rather than make an effort today.

    I know that there is more to existing than being worried about my weight for the rest of my life, but there also has to be a better middle ground from where I am now. I'm not even trying right now. It is so hard to reckon with the fact that I know I want a better life for myself so badly, but apparently not badly enough to the point that I am willing to stick with it. I am so worried that it is going to take some health scare at a too-early age to finally be the thing that makes me change. I want to change because I want to, not because something scary finally happens and I have no other choice. But then, what has the last five years been, if not an opportunity to do better by myself before something terrible happens?

    I know I am being too hard on myself, that part of the reason I start and fail and start and fail is because I am mean to myself. If I could find the love and acceptance and joy in the small wins, I know that would stack quicker over time to build more confidence, but again, those habits are comfortable. It is easier to try for a week and fall off the wagon and berate myself for my choices, than to tell myself "It's okay, keep trying now, you've already come so far." Why is that? Why is it so easy to be terrible to myself, to call myself failure and loser, to say things I would never ever say to a friend or stranger in the same position?

    I don't think of myself as someone with "disordered eating" but perhaps I am. Food is my greatest comfort and that cannot be considered a healthy way to exist and cope. Had a bad day at work- get some take-out. Had a sad moment- eat something sweet. Had an excellent day- well, better celebrate then with something tasty! And when we are sitting on the couch indulging, I never feel bad about it then. It's when I am going to bed and the heartburn is so bad I can't sleep. Or when I wake up the next day feeling bloated and icky (which turns into a bad day, which turns into take-out).

    Maybe part of the problem is that I am still subconsciously stuck between wanting to be skinny because that is what society tells me I should want, and really truly wanting to be healthier. Because the fact of the matter is that when I picture myself "healthy" I do still picture myself skinny and strong. Maybe instead of striving for this image in my head of a 120 pound woman, I should be focusing more on how I can make my current self as strong and durable as possible. I would imagine that making better food choices and exercising more would result in natural weight loss over time, but it doesn't need  to be my ultimate goal to drop 85 pounds. Would it be nice for my knees and back to not constantly ache? Of course. Would it be nice to be able to do any number of pushups for the first time in my life, or to run a single mile without feeling like I was going to pass out? Definitely. Maybe I can accomplish those things in a body that still mostly looks the way my current one does. Maybe it doesn't have to be all or nothing. Skinny and strong, or fat and weak.

    I does feel like I am right on the edge of understanding something, but it also feels silly that I haven't been able to grasp this before, and in turn, the goose in my brain is being especially mean. How does one keep going and keep working when you can't see or feel the results? I lost nearly 30 pounds 3 years ago, and I remember having more energy, feeling better in clothes, that my body didn't hurt as much, that it was easier and easier to make better choices about exercise and food. How do I get back to that? Because right now, it feels insurmountable. One day, one week, even one month feels like eternity to stick to a plan to lose just a few pounds. Would a month of success be enough to keep me pushing on? 

    I am grappling with the fact that this will take years if I do things the right way- which I want to do. I have never been good at starving myself, and I genuinely want to accomplish my goals without killing myself in the process. It's not that it will take time, it's that it will take so much time. Starting from today, at 215, if I lose just one pound per week, to get to a "reasonable" goal weight of 140, it would take me 75 weeks. September of 2027 feels a damn long way away when I think about having to diet that long, to stay in a deficit. Because in reality, there will be weeks that I only lose a quarter or a half, there will be birthdays and holidays and I will lose none. So we are really looking at the end of 2027, maybe even into 2028. Will there come a point where that end goal doesn't feel so painful to reach? Will there be some turning point around the 160-170 pound mark where it's easier to stay on a diet and getting rid of those last 30 pounds doesn't feel grueling and daunting? Maybe even I would get to that point and say "This is enough, this has been plenty and I feel so much better." All I know is that I am not happy and I am fearful that I don't have it in me to cross the finish line- wherever that might actually be.

    I hear the voice saying, "Ok, so then make a smaller goal. Don't think of 140, think of 200, think of 190," and I know that seems so obvious, but I don't feel like that has had any different impact before. Have I ever accomplished one of those smaller goals? Maybe not, so maybe I don't even know if a small chunk would be easier than a big one. It occurs to me that I am in the same boat as my husband has been regarding higher education- I told him a few years ago when he was starting classes again and feeling anxious that he just needed a few small wins to grow his confidence. A few successful tests, then a few passed classes, then a few full semesters in the rearview to understand that he had the ability all along, but the series of negative outcomes had just built a wall he could not see beyond. 

    So maybe I just need a few small wins- could it really be that simple? I few weeks in a row, then a few months, then the stairs are not so daunting, then clothes start fitting better, then I can lift more, then I can run longer, then people in my life start to notice, then I can recognize it in myself. Maybe today I make a list of all the things that I would like to accomplish that would make me feel as though I have succeeded at getting "healthier." Maybe I make two lists, one that includes numbers on the scale and one that does not, and I can see which one feels more like the list I would like to use as my benchmark for small wins. Maybe this list can change over time as I complete these tasks, maybe the size of my body will be less important and I can focus more on the feeling of my body.

Creamy Spicy Garlic Shrimp Pasta- Recipe

    This is one of the recipes I made this week for dinner! I found the inspiration from this YouTube video- thanks, Joe!

Creamy Spicy Garlic Shrimp Pasta

This recipe makes 3 servings. Each serving is 386 calories. 

Protein: 34.4 g

Carb: 53.9 g

Fat: 13.7 g

• 168 g Rigatoni pasta
• 12 oz shrimp
• 4 oz reduced fat cream cheese
• 1/2 lemon
• 3 Tablespoons minced garlic
• 1 Tablespoon olive oil
• 1/2 Teaspoon red pepper flake (more or less to taste)
• Parsley

1. Boil water for pasta. Heat saucepan on medium, and add olive oil to pan. Once oil is shimmering, add garlic and red pepper flake until golden, about 2-3 minutes. Add pasta to boiling water, cook until done.
2. Add shrimp to saucepan with garlic and pepper flake. Cook until until shrimp is done. Drain pasta when done, then add to the same pan with shrimp and spices. Optional: Save 1/2 cup of pasta water.
3. Add cream cheese and stir until melted and all pasta is coated. Optional: Add some pasta water until desired consistency of sauce is achieved.
4. Divide into three portions, then dress with parsley and a lemon wedge. Serve with a slice of garlic bread or Lemon Garlic Asparagus.

Pushing Through and Getting Tough

I made it through the weekend. I honestly was unsure how it was going to go based on my feelings Friday and a rough start to Saturday. When I woke up, I found that my weight had gone up again (bummer) and when I took my measurements, they had also increased since the last time I recorded them in mid-April (infuriating).

How could this be?? I've been eating at a controlled deficit for 6 weeks, something I for sure was not doing back in April.

I begrudgingly took some new progress photos in my neon pink bikini (because it makes me feel hot) and tried to put on a happy face for our movie date. It didn't help that Kenny hopped on the scale too and was down SIX POUNDS in two weeks. Are you fucking kidding me??

The day started rough and I was tempted to throw it all out, but I enjoyed a couple drinks and a taco at the movie and by the time I got home, I was feeling quite a bit better about the whole thing. Here's where I landed:

•I was still very sore on Saturday from the leg workout I had done on Wednesday. My muscles were likely inflamed and holding more blood and water while they repaired. My weight did not jump up in pounds, only by a few ounces. 

•My measurements from April were taken right after my 5k. I had been going to the gym 3x per week for about 3 or 4 weeks. Also, I could have mis-measured. Moving forward, I'll be wearing the same thing each time I measure to keep it controlled. I'll also be measuring every month or so to have more consistent data.

•While my immediate reaction was that Kenny lost those six pounds without changing anything, after my jealously wore off, I realized that was not true. He went from a mostly sedentary desk job to a warehouse job where he is on his feet all day with no AC. In addition to sweating and moving all day, he's also eating less food. Of course that kind of drastic change will result in big results.

•I actually look pretty damn cute as-is right now in that pink bikini of mine! Like damn, it's crazy what a cute outfit will do to boost your confidence in those pictures. I'm glad I took them anyway, and I'm glad I made myself smile for them.

By the time Saturday night rolled around I had prepped a grocery list stacked with high protein meals and I was ready to take on the week ahead. I spent Sunday meal prepping (and filming) and even got to take a 2 mile walk with Kenny in the evening and then enjoy a shower and some YouTube videos to wind down.

All in all, a very productive weekend accompanied by a mental shift to buckle down and kick this thing into gear. I'm really glad I've taken the time to get used to tracking my meals and finding a balance of calories that makes me feel full and satisfied while making purposeful healthful decisions. Now it is time for me to add in purposeful and invigorating exercise that challenges me and brings me joy. 

This will be the hard part, I know that. This will be where determination and discipline meet, where I am tested- do I really want to make a change or do I want to remain in this state for the rest of my life? I am developing a routine that works for me, I am trying a higher protein diet to keep me satisfied and help my muscles grow, and I am proud of myself for getting to this point- almost at the 7 week mark!

I really do feel like I am starting to find a new piece of myself. I am slowly chipping away at the layers of negative self-talk and perceived failure to find the girl underneath who just needed a little encouragement and a little bit of grace to flourish. 

General Frustrations & Losing Steam

I am so damn sore today. I did a workout on Tuesday that I am still feeling in my arms (not as miserable) and on Wednesday I apparently went way too damn hard for leg day. I am actually hobbling around everywhere I go. Stairs? Don't even get me started.

This morning I got off to a bad start immediately because the scale had gone up. It's so silly because it's only by .6, so not much at all, a totally normal fluctuation. I had it in my head though that I would continue to see the scale trend down as I have all week long. There are many things that could have contributed to a jump upwards, the main two I can think of being inflammation from my sore muscles and not having a great night's sleep. 

I really do like having a graph and a total picture of my overall weight trend to look back on. I can see that two weeks ago I was steadily in the 209 range, while now I'm solidly in the 207 range. A small change, but a trend in the right direction nonetheless. I've clocked in at 206.8 three times now, so I know I'm getting close to a solid 206 number as well. 

However, all of that aside I need to work on viewing the number each morning as a clinical exercise and not as a true positive or negative. Is a trend downward desirable? Yes, fat loss is the goal. However, my body is always adjusting and day to day is not a reliable way to gauge real definite change.

Today I am tired from poor sleep, I am on day 3 or so of my period, and I am dealing with extremely sore muscles. Of course I can expect to see some fluctuations. The fact that I haven't all week up to this point is actually pretty amazing. Staying the course and not veering off into "well, I might as well binge" or "I need to restrict MORE now" is the most important thing I can do. Slow and steady wins the race. Each day that I show up for myself and stay on track mentally and physically is a day above and beyond any other where I gave up and threw it all away.

If I'm being honest, I think that I am also feeling somewhat frustrated that I have been in this same weight range of 2-3 lbs since I started tracking my food 6 weeks ago. I am trending down, but I want to be OUT of the 207-209 range. I'm so close to hitting that 5 pound mark and I just want that satisfaction. I want to start to see changes and feel better, but so far it's been a lot of eating good during the week and blowing it off on the weekend. I thought the weight would come off quicker.

Maybe now that I'm adding in consistent exercise and focusing on protein over carbs and fat, I will begin to see some bigger changes. I want it to take time, I want it to be sustainable. Yet some part of my brain has still been conditioned to seek immediate gratification and even though this is the longest I've ever attempted to lose weight or eat better consciously and I'm proud of that, I'm losing steam and motivation. I know soon I'm going to have to dig deep and rely on my "Why" to keep me pushing through this first (of what I assume will be many) wall.

A Pep Talk to Me

Last night on my walk, I ended up giving myself somewhat of a pep-talk and an encouragement. The gist was this: whatever I accomplish is always worth celebration, and every step forward is progress.

I've had the generic goal of being in the best shape of my life so far by the time I'm 30, so a year and a half from now. And as I was walking I was trying to break down my weight loss into small manageable chunks of time, rather than looking at this huge mountain of 18 months. This is close to what I came up with:

Now: 207 from 215 (all time highest)

•Wedding in mid-September- below 200

•Kenny's 30th birthday end of October- low 190s

•My 29th birthday mid-December- low 180s

•Valentines day- low 170s

•3rd Anniversary early March- under 170

•C's 2nd birthday end of April- low 160s

•July 4th weekend- under 150

•Labor Day weekend- mid 130s

•Kenny's 31st birthday- under 130

•My 30th birthday- low to mid 120s

Now that's if everything goes exactly how I want it to, with no major set backs or fails or injury, etc etc. I know how life works, I know that in all reality I won't see 125 at my 30th birthday. I also know that any movement toward that goal is positive and something to be proud of. 130, 140, 150- those are all a hell of a lot closer to a healthier lifestyle than 215 and junk food non-stop. Regardless of my weight on the scale on my 30th birthday, if I continue on this path, I will have been making mindful health choices for myself and moving my body more for 18 months by the time the day comes and that is something to celebrate. 

130 by 30 was the mantra that popped into my head last night and while it's a nice mile marker to set my sights on, I'm not going to let myself be mad or disappointed if I don't hit that specific goal. This journey is about learning to love myself again, loving who I am at every stage, in every season. Making forward strides is amazing, and no number on the scale will ever truly depict the strength and determination it took me to get to the finish line.

In addition to that, just because I hit 30 does not mean that I've come to the end of the road. That's just the beginning. I want to start my 30th year in the best shape I've ever been in, but that doesn't mean there won't still be room to grow, and room for new and improved goals. I want to be in great shape in my 30s so I can climb mountains and hike long trails and play with my friend's kids and renovate a house and have a big garden and dance all night at my wedding. My 30th is just the beginning of the next phase of my life, and that's what I'm striving toward now. 

30 Days of Tracking and Getting Down to Business

The lake was great. We swam, I got sunburnt juuust enough, and we had amazing food from Kelsey as usual. I felt cute and comfortable in my swimsuit and I didn't let myself feel guilty for enjoying and indulging in some damn good banana pudding, among other treats.

I tracked a bit over the holiday weekend, enough to get the general idea of what I ate and to keep my streak, but Tuesday I got back to actually staying within a budget. I also lowered my calories by 150, down to 1650 total each day. I did this to help some of the holiday weight drop back off and because I want to see some bigger change overall. I still haven't been moving much, as the weather has been pretty humid or rainy most days, so I needed to make a bigger dent in those calories somewhere.

This week I've had over those 1650 calories every day with small snacks, putting me reliably in the 1700 range. However, I think this is mostly because we didn't go grocery shopping this week, so I am throwing stuff together for meals each day without much of a plan which leaves me room to make choices that I might not make if I had a healthier option available. I know I am also fighting against the urge to binge a bit. I did not ever eat so much that I made myself sick at the lake, but I also didn't track each bite, and that freedom gave me a nice little high.

I know that sounds bad, like maybe I'm restricting myself too much and thats why I'm feeling "free" from eating whatever I want. But thats not what I mean. What I'm working against isn't like "Oh my god, just let me have what I want!" Instead it's "Oh my god, I'm gonna eat this whole kitchen because I can!" It's an urge to binge through my whole fridge and cabinets just because I can, one that has been curbed for nearly a whole month from tracking and planning my meals.

I feel good about where I'm at right now. Today will be 30 days of tracking my meals and calories, and that's the longest I've ever gone! I feel a great sense of accomplishment and I know that I have the power to do so much more. I want to see more movement on the scale because right now, I know that seeing that number go down means fat loss. I'm not working out or weight lifting, so it's not fat to muscle conversion. If I want to see change in my body I need to kick it up a notch, and I know I have the strength and willpower to do it. 

I have 10 weeks before B & A's wedding, which means even at a slow loss, I can still expect to be under 200 lbs by the time of the wedding. There is a weekend coming up for my company outing where I expect to eat and drink more than usual, and there is one day in August slated for the state fair. Those two days aside, I am ready to buckle down and power through summer with the most determination yet. 

Beginning this weekend, I will be adding a walk for most days. I have to start moving my body, because even if it doesn't have any effect on the weight loss, I know that it makes me feel good. I will keep my caloric goal at 1650 for now, with the buffer of up to 1800 on days that I get my movement in. The app might not accurately reflect that much change and flexibility, but I know what works for me, and honestly, I'm still trying to figure it out myself.

With this week's grocery haul, I also want to start swapping out more treats for fruit, veg, and grains. I've been eating whatever I want within my calories which is great, but I also want to start fueling my body with better sources of energy. Instead of chips for snacks, I want to have veggies and dip on standby. Instead of a fruit roll-up, I want to have an apple. More whole grain pasta when I can. I'll start with snack swaps 4-5 times per week, and then move into my meals. No major changes overnight!

September 17 is my current goal marker. That is what I'm reaching for, and working toward. Early Fall, and I want to be down 15lbs from my highest weight to date. I've seen the scale sit around 208-210 for a while now, so only coming down below 200 doesn't feel like much. I know I won't look very different only 8 lbs from now. But when I think about being at 215 several months ago, that is a much bigger achievement, something I can be proud of and mark as a milestone. I will keep pushing and I will be strong and healthy and confident!

Struggling with Guilt Today

We're going to Zoo Brew tonight, and the beers I will drink take up more than one third of my daily allotment. Today, we also had our company lunch from Smokey D's BBQ and the guilt I have for indulging a bit at lunch as well as what I'm going to have tonight and for dinner is a bit much.

I know it doesn't matter. I know I need to eat regardless. I know that even if I have five out of seven great days, I'm still making forward progress. Why is my brain being so mean and telling me I should skip dinner or that I've done bad?

I haven't done bad!! Food has no moral attachment. Food is just food. It nourishes my body and gives me energy. Honestly, I should be looking at it as bulking up a bit for my weekend of outdoor activity on the lake. Getting in those pre-calories so I have enough energy to kayak and swim!

I think its time for another list. Here is a list of 10 things that I love to eat or drink that have no moral attachment or association:

1. Reese’s!

2. Cheesecake!

3. Boneless wings!

4. Beer!

5. Garlic cheesy bread!

6. Sweet wine!

7. Croutons with salad dressing!

8. Ice cream bars!

9. French's Fried Onions!

10. Sesame Chicken!

Thoughts on Weight Today

I got on the scale this morning because I just could not wait until tomorrow- 208.6, down .2! I was happy of course, but it still isn't the progress I want to be seeing.

However after sitting with it for a good part of the day, I'm feeling better. Would it be exciting to see the numbers drop by a whole pound or two or more? Yes, of course. My brain has been wired over the last 28 years to think that quick is best. In reality, I know that the fact that I'm losing little bits at a time is so much better for me than the alternative. If I was going to see crazy results, I'd also have to participate in crazy changes. I'd have to eat in a larger caloric deficit- I love food too much to make a drastic change. I'd also have to exercise every single day, probably for an hour or more- honestly who even has time for that?

I went on a neighborhood walk last night and it was beautiful. The temperature had dropped enough that it was comfortable walking outside. I kept a good solid pace, and I was just shy of hitting 2 miles. I think that will be my goal from here forward, because another five minutes or so wasn't going to break me.

I think maybe part of why I want to see quick results is because I want to show off. I want to look cute at the lake and have someone tell me I look great in my swimsuit, or I want to be noticeably smaller at the wedding and have friends mention it. But yikes, how terribly vain and self involved is that? It feels good to admit it out loud, and I think some level of Feelin' Myself is allowed, but I dont really need to be the center of attention anywhere. I'm not the protagonist in anyone's story but my own, and this is the movie that I have to play over and over in my head for the rest of my life. I should make it a beautiful one full of joy and happiness, not one where I rushed to the finish line just to dance around for a few minutes.

Because really, once I've reached my "goal weight" where am I going next? I've spent that last 15 years thinking about my body and how it looks and how I could better conform to the conventional beauty standard. I know that reaching a number on the scale won't magically make me happy and fulfilled. In a YouTube video I watched recently someone said, "If you don't love yourself at the end, your journey is still not over." Wow, that really resonated with me. I can't just lose weight and expect to be whole. I have to do the work along the way to learn to love myself again.

A smaller body is not the ultimate goal. A healthier body is my goal. While I work through the issues with feeling social pressure to change, at the root, I am scared to be unhealthy and to be the reason I have chronic pain or other health conditions. I don't want diabetes. I don't want to have heart failure. I don't want cancer. These are all things I can work to protect against if I take my health and put it first. 

I'm considering weighing myself daily for a couple of weeks. The main point against this that I have heard is that it can make you obsess over the small details more than you need to. Today though, I heard someone say that seeing the tiny fluctuations helped because it gave her a bigger picture of where her body was really at. You will jump around a lot day to day, so weighing once per week gives you a narrow view of what the week as a whole looks like, and if you're trending in any direction or staying the same. I think I will try it for a couple of weeks and if it becomes obsessive or too overwhelming, I'll go back to a weekly plan.

From the videos I've watched, and everything I've consumed on weight loss over the course of my life and in the last 3 weeks, it has become clear to me that one thing is true- this journey is about finding what works for you because it's not just a cookie-cutter experience. It's about trying different things until I find the way that clicks and feels good and natural and sustainable.

A Struggle and A Shift

Last week on Thursday I was feeling that familiar itch to give up. It was right around week two, I was feeling bored with my foods and tired of tracking. I have not seen any significant loss, only about a pound and a half, so I also didn't have anything to hold on to for encouragement and motivation. But, I took out my phone and recorded a video to myself, and I think it really helped.

I told myself to stay strong and push through anyway, and that if I can make it to the weekend, I can make it to the store to get new food, and if I can do that, I can get to Wednesday the following week and finish 3 weeks of tracking. Past me was right- I made it to the weekend, I had a great time enjoying what I wanted at the art festival on Saturday, and I got some new foods for lunch this week. It's Monday morning as I write this and I am already feeling excited for the week ahead!

I am so proud of myself for making it this far. For having a few fun days or meals, and moving right along after instead of dwelling on if it was "bad" or not. I'm proud of myself for listening to my body and figuring out if I need more fuel or if I'm simply breaking a habit of eating when I'm bored. I'm proud of myself for working in some of my favorite small snacks and treats and finding a way that this is not all overwhelming- because it doesn't have to be!

Only two days to go and I will have been on a path to a healthier me for three weeks. It's not much yet, but three months from now it will be something huge. In my pep-talk video to myself, I reminded me that I won't have to track my calories forever and I won't be in a caloric deficit forever. Someday I'll be able to eyeball portions and eat to maintain my weight. Right now is hard because I'm rewiring years of food choices and habits, but some day it will be natural.

Another thing I wanted to note was that I've been feeling better overall in my head. The negative thoughts about myself have been few and far between, though I have some anger that has been brewing at the surface a lot lately that I need to address. Getting ready for the art festival I felt cute and attractive for the first time in a long time. I felt confident and pretty and like myself. And when Kenny and I took a picture, I loved it. My immediate thought was "Wow, I look so good in this one!" I can't remember the last time I was actually happy with a picture on the first try. It feels good to feel confident again.

I know that being thin is not a great goal to have overall. I know that bodies can be healthy and beautiful at every size and I know there is so much more to life than having a thin body. And yet, somehow I feel like my face and maybe even my belly are looking slimmer. It might be less bloating or water weight, but it still has given me a small boost. Honestly, I think that just knowing I've been making a conscious decision to make better choices has put me in a mindset of self-care rather than self-depreciation.

We are going up to the lake this weekend to spend time Kelsey and company for the Fourth of July which means I get to pick out a new swimsuit this week. I haven't been in a swimsuit and in the water since the wedding in Montana, but I am excited. I feel good, I am on the right track for long term success, and I get to spend the whole weekend in the sun! Even if I don't have my "ideal" body this summer, I have a perfectly good body and I'm gonna bring that confidence with me to the store and to the lake.

I am beautiful and powerful and I deserve to have just as much fun as any other person in a bikini!

Two Weeks In

I have been tracking my food in the LoseIt! app for two weeks now, as of yesterday. I am feeling good about how I've managed to use the app and how it really hasn't felt like much of a chore.

I feel like usually around this point I start to feel like tracking every item is just too tedious, and I inevitably fall off, thinking I'll just track the big things or maybe I'll just take a break for a couple days and then come back. I'm trying not to think of tracking as a chore or as something that is there to guilt me. 

Something I definitely like more than the WW system is that I can have a night where I go a little off, but when the new day begins there is no visual reminder of it. No negative point total staring at me until my week rolls over. It's a new day, a new start. The one night where I had a little extra fun might delay my overall goal by a day or two or three, but that's NOTHING, and I don't need to be guilted or reminded of it all week.

When I weighed myself yesterday, I was conflicted with my feelings. On one hand, I was excited to see the scale continue to trend downward. On the other, I was disappointed that it wasn't by much. In my brain, I do know that ultimately, it's better to go half a pound or so at a time. A slow, long journey is the way to actually keep the weight off in addition to other benefits like allowing my body time to adjust and having potentially less loose skin at the end of it all. Somewhere else in there though, is a part that is screaming that I should be losing MORE and doing it NOW. This is the part that wants me to be down 30 pounds by the wedding in September so I can talk about my success and how proud I am and hear the compliments, but not the part that wants to feel strong and confident every moment along the way.

Originally, i was going to wait until July to adjust my calorie deficit, however after looking over my last two weeks of data, I think I'm definitely able to handle cutting down by another 100 calories per day. I've mostly been eating between 1700-1800 calories each day anyway with not much struggle continuing to feeling hungry, so I decided to drop my daily goal to 1700 and I'll do that for the next week or so to see how it feels. I also plan to add in exercise next week, just 20-30 minutes of movement per day, 5 days each week. That's a walk around the block, or a short home workout. I am not expecting much, and I want it to feel like a part of my day that I look forward to because it makes me feel better, not a part I dread. If all goes well, I will probably be adding calories back in to supplement the extra energy I will be using to workout.

Do I want to see the numbers on the scale fall away rapidly? For sure. But just as it took me 10 years to gain 95 pounds, it's going to take more time than 2 weeks to see major change. If I stick with my current plan of tracking my meals and moving my body, I'm going to see change. I just need to be patient and persevere. I need to focus on more Non-Scale Victories when I am feeling down about the specific numbers I see. Hopefully this journey won't take me another 10 years to reverse, but I do want to focus on patience and gratitude between here and the finish line.

My current long-term goal: Lose approximately 83 pounds to get to a base weight of 125 lbs by my 30th birthday (542 days).

My current short-term goal: Lose approximately 8 pounds to be under 200 by B & A's wedding (86 days).

NSVs This Week and Last:

1. Almost no heartburn before bed for the last two weeks!

2. Almost no headaches that came out of nowhere/after eating junk.

3. Feeling more well rested overall in the mornings.

4. Feeling like I've been in a better general headspace about my body and how it looks.

5. Been looking forward to tracking meals to see how it will all puzzle together.

An edit:

Not even 20 minutes after posting this I did a little more math regarding my calories needed for maintenance if I remain sedentary vs if I add in weekly light exercise. If I don't exercise at all and maintain my mostly sedentary lifestyle, I am still at a slight caloric deficit eating at 1800 calories each day. Over time, this will still lead to weight loss, albeit  very slow. If I add in 5 days/week of exercise, suddenly I'm at 600 calorie deficit each day. I think based on this, it's smarter for me to remain at 1800 calories per day instead of adjusting anything. Depending on my hunger levels and if I find myself plateauing, I can add in more calories from there, but as it is I am finding it comfortable to eat at the 1800 mark. 

I do plan to add in SOME movement, so it's not necessary for me to make up a larger deficit in less calories. I feel good about knowing that even if I only get 3 or 4 days of exercise in each week, I will still be making a bigger difference. I think this was the motivation I needed to get moving!

Thoughts on Exercise

I had plans this week to wake up at 5am and get a workout in. I think that personally, getting a bit of exercise in first thing in the morning will work best for me. Starting my day with movement and getting that burst of energy at the start I think will kickstart my routine in the best way.

I've had alarms set now for Monday and Tuesday, and I think it's doable. I'm not dead tired, mostly reluctant to leave my comfortable warm bed. This morning, I even sat up for a few moments. I think if I had actually got out of bed and moved around a bit, I would have been fine. Maybe tomorrow I'll actually do it.

I was feeling guilty yesterday for not doing what I had initially set out to do, thinking I had already failed myself,  but then I had a thought-

"Exercise is not a punishment. It should be enjoyed."

So simple and yet, it really clicked with me. I am attempting to reset my whole routine, my way of thinking and living. I have been a morning person for a while but never a "5 AM" person. I've never been a morning exercise person. I've rarely been an exercise person at all. I can hardly expect myself to wake up one Monday bright and early and hop to my feet and just do it. 

So I thought, "Okay, tomorrow I'm just going to wake up and look at my phone or something for 15 minutes to wake up enough to get out of bed." No pressure to get up and work out, just wake up slow. So I kind of did that. Ultimately I did fall back asleep for an hour or so, but I think I was right on the verge, and honestly it felt so much nicer to contemplate this gentle start rather than throwing myself into my workout clothes and immediately starting a program. 

Exercise is not a punishment. It should be savored and enjoyed. It should be met with gratitude that I am able to move my body. 

I do not want to hate my morning routine, or my workouts, or my diet because where is the sustainability of a whole life in that? Where is the joy?

I genuinely feel like an early morning routine will ultimately give me more energy and bring me more satisfaction, but I am not going to force myself to get up and workout on any day that feels like punishment or discipline. Does working for a better life take hard work and dedication? Absolutely, but I intend to have a good relationship with my mind and body above all, and that starts with listening to her needs. 

Here are some things I love about myself today:

1. I loved the way I looked in my cheetah print dress on Monday!

2. I loved the color of lipstick I found at Target- it looked great on me!

3. I love when I get my nails done, press-ons or a full set. It makes me feel very feminine.

4. I am proud of myself for tracking what I've been eating for almost 2 weeks!

Going Hiking- June 18, 2022

I haven't been out to Ledges in a couple years now. I remember one of the first ever YouTube videos I made was a vlog out at the state park, walking around during finals week. This would have been Spring of 2019, and at that time I was still thinking I'd be in Florida by the end of Summer on my third DCP.

Anyway, Kenny and I have been to Ledges to walk around together once, and we camped there one other time as well. This was back during that first summer though, in 2020. It is important to me that I start exercising in ways that I really enjoy. Hiking and playing tennis are the two that immediately come to mind. So when Kenny asked what I wanted to do this weekend, going for a small hike immediately came to mind. Outdoors, in the fresh air, moving my body.

I was feeling really confident today after making a delicious breakfast and feeling refreshed after my shower, and even kind of pleasantly surprised that my workout shorts still fit (mostly). But then, I must have looked in the mirror one too many times, because then the doubt and mean started to creep in.

"You look like a boy with a hat on." 

"Your face has become so round."

"You don't look like the cute girls on Insta when they go out to exercise."

I changed tops a couple of times, but then I was too warm even still inside the house. So I put the damn tank top back on, because I deserve to be comfortable on a hot day. And I resolved to stop looking in the mirror because it wasn't doing me any good. No one is even looking at me anyway. I also decided I needed to make a list of 7 things that I currently enjoy or love about myself. I'd like to make that a habit- when the thoughts get mean and unhelpful, make lists of things that are positive and uplifting.

1. I've really come to enjoy the sound of my own laugh.

2. I'm really proud of myself for becoming more financially responsible so far this year.

3. I really like the way my hair looks right after I've showered and it's got some shape and volume.

4. I still really like my curvy figure from the front, I feel very feminine.

5. I love my combination of nose ring and septum ring.

6. I am proud of myself for doing a 5k this spring, that was very cool.

7. I'm proud of myself for going out and exercising when I could have stayed home and sat on my butt all day.

"We're all just wearing bodies like costumes until we die." Two- Flock of Dimes

Another Year Around

Here we are, another new year and another year older. It seems strange to me that I have been keeping this blog, posting at least once per year, since 2013. It really has become my longest running journal of sorts. Some of it is pretty cringe to read back on, but I can also appreciate how far I've come and how much I've grown as a human.

This year I am looking forward to many things. I have a lot of goals in mind, some old and repeated and some new and exciting. Each one of them I am looking forward to pursuing and finding ways to attain them. 

2022 is the year I get my shit together. No, really. I mean it this time. 

I am so sick of feeling stuck, or like I have failed. I know everyone moves at their own pace but I am entering a time in my life where I can see more realistically into the future and I can see the things I want. To get to those things, I need to accomplish other tasks here and now. So, no more fucking around. I'm done living in fear that I'll never get to do the things I want to do, and I am taking control of my damn life. No more sitting around day after day wondering if it will ever change- this year it will.

Without further exposition, here are my goals for this year:

Health:

1. Get stronger!!
• My whole life I have been weak, but I do not want to feel that way anymore. I am a strong independent woman who would like to complete one pull-up on my own. Eventually, I would be interested in getting into real weight lifting, but for now I will start with the basics.
2. Find healthy favorites, alternatives and staples in my everyday diet.
• I have indulged in some good food in my 28 years, and I have had some amazing food in the last five or so. I want to start enjoying those "holy shit" moments and spend my in between time focusing on eating healthier options. Less meat and dairy, more veg varieties. Not to say I'll never have a fried pickle again, but when I do, I want it to be a treat.
3. Lose weight...
• This I am leaving purposefully generic. I do have a rough number of about 80 pounds in mind, and this will put me back into the "healthy" BMI range. However, I know that BMI does not account for muscle or active movement, and I know a person can weigh more than is commonly recommended and still be healthy. I would like to lose some weight as I believe my body will feel better if I do, but I am going to be focusing more on movement and diet, and letting the weight take care of itself.

Financial:

1. Pay off all credit card debt (at least)!!!
• I am sick of living under the umbrella that all of this debt has created. I have not been able to add any significant funds to my savings account in years because I have been living outside of my means, extending lines of credit, and pushing off this responsibility for far too long. I will be getting a part time job to help get me above board and I will be throwing all of that money into getting my debts paid off as soon as I can. In addition to my credit card debt, I also owe money to Kenny, my dad, and the credit union.
2. Put $1000 into my savings account to leave alone.
• This is just the minimum that I hope to put away for the year, but it is a starting point and more than I will have seen in my account for a long time. This will be the baseline for my savings moving forward- something I only dip into for major purchases and events.
3. Make future savings goals- wedding, house, overseas travel...
• Kenny and I are sitting down in a couple of weeks to discuss savings and how we can reach the goals we want to achieve together. We have recently talked about wanting to buy a house, but there are also some other major events we need to consider as well.

Creative:

1. Write some one-shot adventures for D&D!
• I've really enjoyed playing D&D in the last year, and even writing my own one-shot. I would really like to dive into this a little more and try writing a few more short adventures. If I can keep them generic, I might try to find a way to sell them as well. I think I could really find joy in this creative writing exercise.
2. Actively use my bullet journal for 6 months...
• I've poured hours into the journal I started this year, and after the one I built last year fizzled after just 3 weeks, I want to really put my heart into this year's effort. I love the process of setting up a new month, filling in the trackers as I go, and seeing the results over time. I think I can also use it as a way to meditate and spend time on my own.
3. Try a new hobby- watercolor painting.
• I have loved the look of watercolor paintings for years, and I have really wanted to give that particular craft a shot. I want to use the supplies I got for my birthday and try a new painting every other week or so to see if it is something that I can find joy in.

Personal:

1. Explore being a witch on a deeper level.
• The little I read on the subject this last year resonated with me so much. I want to read more books on the subject, delve into my own craft, and try my hand at being a true witch. I have a good feeling that I will find a lot of spiritual joy from this journey.
2. Journal or blog once per week!
• I've had this goal in the past, but I would really like to commit to it this year. I'd really like to have a year long record to look back on to remember how I was feeling and what events took place that I am almost certain to forget in the hustle and bustle of a whole year.
3. Spend meaningful and purposeful time with Kenny, family and friends.
• The last two years have been really hard to spend much time with people outside of the immediate household, but as we move into the third year of this pandemic, I hope that the dangers will wane enough that regular visits can once again be part of my life. 

Each month I will breakdown these goals into smaller elements to make them more attainable and I will try to make note of major updates as the year goes on. I am most looking forward to finding financial freedom and developing my healthier lifestyle, but I am also so excited to see how all of these other goals manifest themselves and the accomplishments I will achieve.

Days Go By

 And the days go by, I can feel 'em flying like a hand out the window as the cars go by.

It is May already. I feel like the first few months of the year always go by quickly, because what else is going on, right? There's not really a big holiday to look forward to and the Winter days just bleed one into the other.

But now it's May, Spring is here in full, and I somehow have no idea where the first entire quarter of my year went. I know that time is arbitrary, that my new year could start in July if I wanted it to, so in that regard only two more months until we start fresh!

I want to do things. I want to garden, but it's a little too early for that. I want to go see friends, but it's still a little sketchy to be doing that very often. Not to mention the fact that I don't have many friends who live close anymore. I want to write, but I always seem to have other things to do first and I don't have an office space I can set myself up in. I want to craft, but it seems like I've already spent too much money on a dozen half finished projects.

I don't feel great about myself lately, I feel sad and lonely. I feel frustrated. I work all week to get to my weekend and then I end up just catching up on chores or running errands or sitting around all day because I'm exhausted from the work week and then it's Sunday night at 9pm and I need to go to bed and I haven't done a damn thing I wanted to do yet again. An endless cycle, days flying past with no meaning, no importance.

I need to find a way to sustain my own motivation and positivity outside of the factors around me. If Kenny is having a bad day, I need to be able to still find a way to get things done that I want to work on without getting dragged down into a depression. I need to be able to encourage him and not have it effect my mood. I need to be able to have a bad day at work and leave it behind.

I am working my way toward 28 and I don't really know what I'm working toward anymore. Maybe promotions at my job? Maybe getting married? Owning a home? I don't know. I've finished college, I have a full time job. Anything is an option, but I just sit here and I let the days go by, wishing for more, but not really knowing what "more" is.

Cog in the Wheel

I have to do something. I have to find some creative outlet. Something to do and look forward to when I'm not working, because right now the days bleed into one another and I don't have much to look forward to. Especially with that missed communications job, my urge to write has been reignited along with my interest in finding a way to monetize my skills.

I want to own my own business. This is something that has been in the back of my mind for a while, but it's always been persistent. I don't know what I want to do for certain, and that's the problem. I could try to write and maybe try to publish some small projects. I could give YouTube a good solid try. Maybe I could learn to be a competent baker or cook. I mean Hell, I could probably combine all of those things into one brand.

I just don't know where to start. I'm honestly a little scared to take that first step. I feel unqualified for much of anything. And that's the problem right? because I'm not ever going to get *good* at something until I practice, and the only way to practice is to actually do the thing. I feel a little more comfortable with writing, but to prove my own point, I've been writing blog posts since early high school. They've really only ever been in the journal entry style, so I think I'd like to try some other things. Some informative posts, maybe even try to develop some recipes to share. I could see those things coming easily for me (oh my god, I'm going to be that person that has a novella in front of their recipe lol). 

I always get back *here*: I want to start something, I know I need to make a plan, but I just stall out. I get bored or I get scared or I just don't know where to begin and I never get past this longing to do something different. I have some videos I took right before we put Walter down, they're of me making that zucchini soup. I had planned to edit those and do a voiceover for them and post on my YouTube channel again. I was pumped, I was excited, and then I lost my motivation.

Sometimes I feel like maybe I'm just attracted to the newness of starting a new blog and buying a new journal to keep all of my ideas in. Maybe I don't have what it takes to actually be my own boss, make content, and make something for myself. Maybe I'll always just be a dreamer, stuck in the machine, just another cog in the wheel.

Pitter Patter

I sat here for far too long considering how to not be too cheesy before realizing that's definitely not within my wheelhouse.

I adore you, and so quickly you have stolen my heart away. I walked away from our first date and I said aloud to myself, "I could really like this boy." It wasn't three weeks later that I was thinking, "this guy is going to make me love him."

I miss you when you leave, and I feel full when I can pull you into my arms. You might find it silly to be so touched that you left the pink and yellow Starbursts for me, but knowing you listened when I mentioned that one small preference is just another way you show me you love me. When you do my dishes after I cook, when you have a cup of water ready for me before I arrive, when you fill my ice trays- these little things make my heart run over with love for you. I never want you to stop holding my hand or putting your arm around me or pulling me into hugs. I never want to stop kissing you or putting my head on your shoulder or playing with your hair. I want to go to more concerts with you, I want to go on road trips with you, I want to watch movies and play games and drink beer. I want to show you where I grew up and I want to walk around your old neighborhood. I want to meet your friends and tell you all about my favorite animals at the zoo. There's so much time I want to spend with you, so many memories I want to make, and once again my patience gets away from me.

I wish I could write something profound for you. Some string of words so beautiful and well-thought out that they perfectly capture every feeling I've ever had. I wish I had words bigger than love, because I swear sometimes I am so overwhelmed with emotion that "love" just doesn't do it justice. I know that's not what you need or expect, but I just want you to know that with every moment that passes, I fall harder and faster. Until I see you again, I'm thinking of you. Always.

Majors and Madness

I wish I hadn't spent the last 3 years hating my major.

Today in class, I had one of the most encouraging conversations between myself, my professor, and my classmates. I heard from people who were so proud to be human services majors.I learned that my professor herself took 7.5 years to graduate with her undergrad, that she was also 25. She graduated with five majors mind you, but we took a similarly longer path. Someone else in class spoke up after I did and I learned that she also is 25 and had taken a long time to get to where we are. She reminded me that no one will ever know or care how long it took me to complete my degree unless I tell them. What matters is simply that I completed it.

For whatever reason this was exactly what I needed to hear today. I feel full and proud, I feel happy about being here for the first time in a long time. I don't feel shame, I don't feel confusion. I don't worry that maybe I've been studying the wrong thing this whole time. For the first time in the last several years, I am not doubting, for this minute at least, that this was the major I was intended for. Maybe down the line I will still use it, and I will still be happy. For the first time in a long time, I am hopeful that I really am on the right path.

What You Should Know Before You Go To College

 As I was writing my previous post about going back to school, I realized I had some sage wisdom that I wanted to share in a more concise format.... and then I remembered that it's me, so there's no way in Hell it's going to be concise... :) Anyway, here it is, my big, fancy List of Things You Should Know. If you've already completed this incredible life achievement, congrats! I hope that you will still enjoy reading about the things I have learned, and maybe some of them will still ring true with you, even now. I would also encourage anyone who reads this to think about how you may talk to younger siblings, friends, or even children about college, and how you might be influencing their experiences through your conversations. Enjoy!

Back To School!

 While I know that the first of the year was two weeks ago, something about today feels more like the beginning of my new year than any other. Today is the very last "First Day of School" I will probably ever have! We are officially in the home stretch, there are only 117 days between me and graduation day, and while I won't get my diploma until after the summer and my internship are over, that is my mark: 117 days until I walk across the stage and finally, finally, can say that I am a college graduate. I honestly didn't know for a while there if this day would come any time soon for me. My journey has been far from conventional, and I thought I would talk about it here today, so that maybe someone else out there could feel a little more comfortable if their college experience does not look like the typical cookie-cutter "four year plan."