Being Here

This is all a lot more difficult than I imagined it would be, than I anticipated it to be. I was hoping for flawless, seamless transition. In fact, the fact that all of our old haunts were here never really crossed my mind. I didn't realize that I would still be seeing him at every turn, because for me, he never existed in Iowa. I got to move on and pretend it was nothing but a memory. I thought that I was mostly okay, that the guilt and sadness had given way to relief, but I was so wrong.

Having to drive past the outlet malls, driving past Vista Way and seeing the parking lot. Driving past Denny's, IHOP, Steak & Shake, Ale House. Walking through the TTC. Seeing all of the places where he used to be, where we used to be, it hurts me. I can only imagine how it was for him. I can never know the difference it would have made in my life if I could go back and change anything. It's an infinite loop of what-ifs and timelines. Maybe some day I'll know, maybe something out there knows now.

How do I move on? How do I stop feeling guilty? I cannot stop, I try and I cannot stop feeling so terribly responsible for every bad thing. I hurt him, and he didn't deserve it. He was the furthest thing from deserving and I destroyed him. He was devastated. Just like me. I never wanted anyone to feel as broken and empty as Noah left me, and less than a year later and I caused the same damage. I'm so scared to be with anyone else for fear. Fear of hurting them, fear of being hurt. But I am so lonely. I miss having someone to confide in, someone who is always on my side. Someone who will push me onward to be better, someone to share myself with.

I made such a terrible mistake. If only I had just listened to him, if I had not dug in my heels. He used to say that I made him love me, as if that were a good thing, but now I am not so sure. He was hurt from before and I pushed and forced my way in. He said before I left that I helped to heal him from that, but I certainly had to only leave a bigger hole afterwards.

"A year from now, this will look entirely different to you."

It certainly does, but not in the way he imagined when he said that. I feel such deep regret and guilt for hurting him. I wouldn't change a single day spent with him, but I would change every second of hurt if it meant I had to give those moments up. I want the perfect time before I left back, why wouldn't I just it be perfect? I still love him, I care for him. I got scared and I ran, and I wonder if he had just fought for me if things would have been different still. But he let me go because he still believed it was what was best and that I was fickle and young and wild.

When will my heart stop hurting? When will I stop feeling so guilty? How do I ever make this right? He will never trust me again, he can't. He made that very clear. So knowing that, why is it not easier to move on? Why do I want to cling tighter to hope that things can be okay when they never will be?