Happy Birthday

I have plenty I could be doing right now. In fact, I have a whole to-do list.
I'm roughly 3 weeks behind on posts for Waiting for Walt if I want to finish my CP posts before I start my new program. I have new things to discover and play around with on my new website. I have editing to do, promotion to do, debuting to do. I should go home and see my dad for the first time in 48 hours.

But I'm sitting here at Smokey Row trying to write one of my posts and I keep having flashbacks to being on a tram. I'm riding on the platform and Morgado is sauntering up to me from the lot with some smart-ass comment or I'm standing at point in the lot and chatting to Andy, and Vince, and Justin. I can't do this tonight. I thought I needed to write, but I can't focus enough on the task at hand.

Maybe it's just the day. It is his birthday after all.

This day has almost come and gone with no significance. For nine months I've been trying desperately to figure out why 3-1-8 sounded so familiar, why those numbers stuck out. Now here I am, convinced that something was going to happen today, but nothing has. I messaged Steve, he replied in a kind way. I'm still broken.

I don't know what is wrong with me. I'm sitting in this perfectly nice coffee shop listening to George Strait(which admittedly probably isn't helping) trying to write and I'm just distracted and sad. 50 days to go before I leave and start all over. No time at all, and yet all the time in the world. I'm so scared to leave, a different kind of afraid than before. I'm excited, but this time I'm afraid to fail. Before, it was the fear of the completely unknown. I know now a few crucial details that will help me along, but failure is still an option. And what the Hell am I doing with my life? What if I have to come home and face everyone after failing yet again? Failed school, failed Disney, failed myself. It seems like a dark and ominous road to be honest.

I'm trying not to lose the thread. I'm trying to remember to take one day at a time. But I'm scared and I'm going against everything I have known. I hope that you would still be proud of me.