Wishes

You know that question that you'll sometimes get asked that goes "if you could change one thing, what would you change?" You're supposed to answer that you're totally fine with everything that's happened in your life and that you wouldn't change anything. But I would change something, and it's probably not what you would expect.

Maybe you'd think that I would change the summer of the flood so that I wouldn't lose my house and belongings. But no.
Perhaps you'd guess that I would use the last days with my grandparents to ask them all of the things I wish I could ask now. That's not it either.
You could even suppose that I would go back and change this past year at school, the decisions I made and the depression and separation that fell upon me. Again, you'd be wrong but you would be getting closer.

I would change my actions and choices that led up to my decision to go to Iowa State.

You surprised?

Thinking about my senior year, I remember that everything was so rushed, and everything went by in such a blur. I know that I went on college visits and I know I applied to a handful of state-based schools, but I also know that I didn't try very hard. That's where I'd start. I'd explore options from all over the country. And maybe I'd still end up in Iowa, but at least I'd feel like I didn't limit myself to one state. Maybe I wouldn't feel so stuck here. I'd also listen to my gut. When my college search started, I had only a couple criteria in mind. I wanted a Christian school to grow my faith at, and I wanted it to be smaller. I remember I somehow got a mailer for Dordt College and I wasn't sure how they found me, but I was excited. They seemed perfect, and when I went for a visit, I fell in love. The campus was beautiful and small. All of the buildings were on one central square. The dorms and apartments were nice, and the welcoming attitude was encouraging. Everything that I experienced there was exactly how I wished it would be. So why didn't I go, if it was so perfect? I wish I could tell you that there was a big long list of cons, but in honesty, it came down to one- the cost. They are a private college, so they were almost twice the cost of a state school. One decision that I would change however was the choice to not verify my FAFSA with them. For whatever reason they wanted a little extra documentation and I set the notice aside and forgot about it until it was too late. One stupid choice led to a major outcome.

It's hard for me to sit here and not feel like I missed my boat. I wonder what my first two years of school would have been like if I had gone to the small Christian college that I had dreamed of instead of the public school where my class alone was more than 6,000 people. I think about the choices that I wouldn't have made because I wasn't even around the people who led me to making them. I think about all of the loneliness and the anger. The emptiness inside for a lack of purpose, the jumping from major to major and never feeling at home. Would I have found my path at Dordt?

I do think about the friends that I have made. I think about Salt Company and how great it almost always is for me. I think about the great experiences I've had there, but somehow those adventures don't outweigh the "what if?" feeling for me.

The worst part is that now I'm halfway through. I can't go forward and I can't go back. I have made binding decisions. I've committed to an apartment and a sorority. I have settled on a major- hopefully- and a schedule. And it's not to say that I'm not excited about any of those things, I just feel as though I don't belong there. My heart seems to be elsewhere, but I don't know where.  I'm stuck here.