This is a piece of writing that I started today. Maybe this will
be as far as it goes, or maybe it will grow into something more. I was having a
hard time with my emotions, so I finally decided to open up a word document and
start typing. As you'll read, it takes a dark turn and it goes somewhere that I
wasn't expecting. It felt good to write it out though, and it's actually what
gave me the idea for a blog. I'm hoping I've stumbled across a therapeutic
technique for myself.
You know how sometimes you’ll
have a thought that triggers a memory that reminds you of something you
need to do that makes you think of that thing you did once that makes you have
a great idea and then- - - you’re right back at the beginning with a new memory?
That’s how my brain works, all of the time. Constantly running, continuously
reminding me of things I already know or am trying hard to forget. Sometimes I
really wish I had a switch. You know, one of those big comical ones you see in
cartoons? The ones with the big flashing red light and the sign that says “BY
ALL MEANS, DO NOT FLIP THIS SWITCH”? I wish I had one of those, I wish it were
that easy. See, it takes a lot for me to push aside all of the chaos that
happens inside of me and put on a half-way normal face with which to face the
rest of the world. And all of that crazy, non-stop chatter? Well, when it
doesn’t get enough attention from me, it kind of takes on a life of its own. It
turns to solid sludge that slows me down and adds 1,000 pounds and it finds
nooks and crannies to seep out of. Maybe it’s through my words or my actions
and I’ll lash out at someone who deserves nothing but love and respect, or
maybe it will make itself known in the form of pessimism and leak its way into
my social life so that everyone knows my problems. Sometimes, it even morphs
into a more deadly form and threatens to overtake me completely. The sad part
is, there’s something that is actually kind of appealing about dark
nothingness; something that is so alluring and tempting that I almost take the
bite of the apple. I know better though. I know not to trust the Sludge because
it’s only made up of lies and doubt, and what kind of peace can deceit really
give me? If there is one thing to know, it’s this: the Sludge is the King
of lies. Just when you think you may have finally found your way around it, and
you’ve beaten back the hurt, it will turn on a dime. It will whisper in your
ear and say “Hey now, you’ve got it all wrong. I was just trying to test you,
to prepare you for what may come. How could you think that I would ever turn on
you?” And you know what? You’ll believe it. You’ll start questioning your own
thoughts and your own decisions. You’ll start to wonder if you have ever made
the right choice, and you’ll most likely settle on the conclusion that no, you
never have. Let me tell you, it’s a short slippery slope once you let the
Darkness in. Once you allow that pain and doubt to sink in and take root, it
becomes a long, hard, uphill battle to breathe fresh air. The Darkness will
settle around your feet, weighing each step, trying to convince you to stop
moving at all because each movement is a battle and a struggle after all. That
is when the Darkness does its best work, when you give up the fight and become
still. It will wind its way up into your heart like the wicked snake that it is
and send its venom into the furthest reaches of your body. That is when
nothingness seems to be the best option, because who would want to live with
the pain of constant poison coursing through your veins? Who would willingly
allow that to happen instead of putting it all to a permanent end? That is what
the Sludge that rots in your brain wants you to think. That is what the
Darkness that hardens your heart begs for. That is how they trick you: they
convince you that there is only one escape. They take away the light and make
you believe it never existed in the first place.
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