However after sitting with it for a good part of the day, I'm feeling better. Would it be exciting to see the numbers drop by a whole pound or two or more? Yes, of course. My brain has been wired over the last 28 years to think that quick is best. In reality, I know that the fact that I'm losing little bits at a time is so much better for me than the alternative. If I was going to see crazy results, I'd also have to participate in crazy changes. I'd have to eat in a larger caloric deficit- I love food too much to make a drastic change. I'd also have to exercise every single day, probably for an hour or more- honestly who even has time for that?
I went on a neighborhood walk last night and it was beautiful. The temperature had dropped enough that it was comfortable walking outside. I kept a good solid pace, and I was just shy of hitting 2 miles. I think that will be my goal from here forward, because another five minutes or so wasn't going to break me.
I think maybe part of why I want to see quick results is because I want to show off. I want to look cute at the lake and have someone tell me I look great in my swimsuit, or I want to be noticeably smaller at the wedding and have friends mention it. But yikes, how terribly vain and self involved is that? It feels good to admit it out loud, and I think some level of Feelin' Myself is allowed, but I dont really need to be the center of attention anywhere. I'm not the protagonist in anyone's story but my own, and this is the movie that I have to play over and over in my head for the rest of my life. I should make it a beautiful one full of joy and happiness, not one where I rushed to the finish line just to dance around for a few minutes.
Because really, once I've reached my "goal weight" where am I going next? I've spent that last 15 years thinking about my body and how it looks and how I could better conform to the conventional beauty standard. I know that reaching a number on the scale won't magically make me happy and fulfilled. In a YouTube video I watched recently someone said, "If you don't love yourself at the end, your journey is still not over." Wow, that really resonated with me. I can't just lose weight and expect to be whole. I have to do the work along the way to learn to love myself again.
A smaller body is not the ultimate goal. A healthier body is my goal. While I work through the issues with feeling social pressure to change, at the root, I am scared to be unhealthy and to be the reason I have chronic pain or other health conditions. I don't want diabetes. I don't want to have heart failure. I don't want cancer. These are all things I can work to protect against if I take my health and put it first.
I'm considering weighing myself daily for a couple of weeks. The main point against this that I have heard is that it can make you obsess over the small details more than you need to. Today though, I heard someone say that seeing the tiny fluctuations helped because it gave her a bigger picture of where her body was really at. You will jump around a lot day to day, so weighing once per week gives you a narrow view of what the week as a whole looks like, and if you're trending in any direction or staying the same. I think I will try it for a couple of weeks and if it becomes obsessive or too overwhelming, I'll go back to a weekly plan.
From the videos I've watched, and everything I've consumed on weight loss over the course of my life and in the last 3 weeks, it has become clear to me that one thing is true- this journey is about finding what works for you because it's not just a cookie-cutter experience. It's about trying different things until I find the way that clicks and feels good and natural and sustainable.
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