A Struggle and A Shift

Last week on Thursday I was feeling that familiar itch to give up. It was right around week two, I was feeling bored with my foods and tired of tracking. I have not seen any significant loss, only about a pound and a half, so I also didn't have anything to hold on to for encouragement and motivation. But, I took out my phone and recorded a video to myself, and I think it really helped.

I told myself to stay strong and push through anyway, and that if I can make it to the weekend, I can make it to the store to get new food, and if I can do that, I can get to Wednesday the following week and finish 3 weeks of tracking. Past me was right- I made it to the weekend, I had a great time enjoying what I wanted at the art festival on Saturday, and I got some new foods for lunch this week. It's Monday morning as I write this and I am already feeling excited for the week ahead!

I am so proud of myself for making it this far. For having a few fun days or meals, and moving right along after instead of dwelling on if it was "bad" or not. I'm proud of myself for listening to my body and figuring out if I need more fuel or if I'm simply breaking a habit of eating when I'm bored. I'm proud of myself for working in some of my favorite small snacks and treats and finding a way that this is not all overwhelming- because it doesn't have to be!

Only two days to go and I will have been on a path to a healthier me for three weeks. It's not much yet, but three months from now it will be something huge. In my pep-talk video to myself, I reminded me that I won't have to track my calories forever and I won't be in a caloric deficit forever. Someday I'll be able to eyeball portions and eat to maintain my weight. Right now is hard because I'm rewiring years of food choices and habits, but some day it will be natural.

Another thing I wanted to note was that I've been feeling better overall in my head. The negative thoughts about myself have been few and far between, though I have some anger that has been brewing at the surface a lot lately that I need to address. Getting ready for the art festival I felt cute and attractive for the first time in a long time. I felt confident and pretty and like myself. And when Kenny and I took a picture, I loved it. My immediate thought was "Wow, I look so good in this one!" I can't remember the last time I was actually happy with a picture on the first try. It feels good to feel confident again.

I know that being thin is not a great goal to have overall. I know that bodies can be healthy and beautiful at every size and I know there is so much more to life than having a thin body. And yet, somehow I feel like my face and maybe even my belly are looking slimmer. It might be less bloating or water weight, but it still has given me a small boost. Honestly, I think that just knowing I've been making a conscious decision to make better choices has put me in a mindset of self-care rather than self-depreciation.

We are going up to the lake this weekend to spend time Kelsey and company for the Fourth of July which means I get to pick out a new swimsuit this week. I haven't been in a swimsuit and in the water since the wedding in Montana, but I am excited. I feel good, I am on the right track for long term success, and I get to spend the whole weekend in the sun! Even if I don't have my "ideal" body this summer, I have a perfectly good body and I'm gonna bring that confidence with me to the store and to the lake.

I am beautiful and powerful and I deserve to have just as much fun as any other person in a bikini!