Struggling with Guilt Today

We're going to Zoo Brew tonight, and the beers I will drink take up more than one third of my daily allotment. Today, we also had our company lunch from Smokey D's BBQ and the guilt I have for indulging a bit at lunch as well as what I'm going to have tonight and for dinner is a bit much.

I know it doesn't matter. I know I need to eat regardless. I know that even if I have five out of seven great days, I'm still making forward progress. Why is my brain being so mean and telling me I should skip dinner or that I've done bad?

I haven't done bad!! Food has no moral attachment. Food is just food. It nourishes my body and gives me energy. Honestly, I should be looking at it as bulking up a bit for my weekend of outdoor activity on the lake. Getting in those pre-calories so I have enough energy to kayak and swim!

I think its time for another list. Here is a list of 10 things that I love to eat or drink that have no moral attachment or association:

1. Reese’s!

2. Cheesecake!

3. Boneless wings!

4. Beer!

5. Garlic cheesy bread!

6. Sweet wine!

7. Croutons with salad dressing!

8. Ice cream bars!

9. French's Fried Onions!

10. Sesame Chicken!

Thoughts on Weight Today

I got on the scale this morning because I just could not wait until tomorrow- 208.6, down .2! I was happy of course, but it still isn't the progress I want to be seeing.

However after sitting with it for a good part of the day, I'm feeling better. Would it be exciting to see the numbers drop by a whole pound or two or more? Yes, of course. My brain has been wired over the last 28 years to think that quick is best. In reality, I know that the fact that I'm losing little bits at a time is so much better for me than the alternative. If I was going to see crazy results, I'd also have to participate in crazy changes. I'd have to eat in a larger caloric deficit- I love food too much to make a drastic change. I'd also have to exercise every single day, probably for an hour or more- honestly who even has time for that?

I went on a neighborhood walk last night and it was beautiful. The temperature had dropped enough that it was comfortable walking outside. I kept a good solid pace, and I was just shy of hitting 2 miles. I think that will be my goal from here forward, because another five minutes or so wasn't going to break me.

I think maybe part of why I want to see quick results is because I want to show off. I want to look cute at the lake and have someone tell me I look great in my swimsuit, or I want to be noticeably smaller at the wedding and have friends mention it. But yikes, how terribly vain and self involved is that? It feels good to admit it out loud, and I think some level of Feelin' Myself is allowed, but I dont really need to be the center of attention anywhere. I'm not the protagonist in anyone's story but my own, and this is the movie that I have to play over and over in my head for the rest of my life. I should make it a beautiful one full of joy and happiness, not one where I rushed to the finish line just to dance around for a few minutes.

Because really, once I've reached my "goal weight" where am I going next? I've spent that last 15 years thinking about my body and how it looks and how I could better conform to the conventional beauty standard. I know that reaching a number on the scale won't magically make me happy and fulfilled. In a YouTube video I watched recently someone said, "If you don't love yourself at the end, your journey is still not over." Wow, that really resonated with me. I can't just lose weight and expect to be whole. I have to do the work along the way to learn to love myself again.

A smaller body is not the ultimate goal. A healthier body is my goal. While I work through the issues with feeling social pressure to change, at the root, I am scared to be unhealthy and to be the reason I have chronic pain or other health conditions. I don't want diabetes. I don't want to have heart failure. I don't want cancer. These are all things I can work to protect against if I take my health and put it first. 

I'm considering weighing myself daily for a couple of weeks. The main point against this that I have heard is that it can make you obsess over the small details more than you need to. Today though, I heard someone say that seeing the tiny fluctuations helped because it gave her a bigger picture of where her body was really at. You will jump around a lot day to day, so weighing once per week gives you a narrow view of what the week as a whole looks like, and if you're trending in any direction or staying the same. I think I will try it for a couple of weeks and if it becomes obsessive or too overwhelming, I'll go back to a weekly plan.

From the videos I've watched, and everything I've consumed on weight loss over the course of my life and in the last 3 weeks, it has become clear to me that one thing is true- this journey is about finding what works for you because it's not just a cookie-cutter experience. It's about trying different things until I find the way that clicks and feels good and natural and sustainable.

A Struggle and A Shift

Last week on Thursday I was feeling that familiar itch to give up. It was right around week two, I was feeling bored with my foods and tired of tracking. I have not seen any significant loss, only about a pound and a half, so I also didn't have anything to hold on to for encouragement and motivation. But, I took out my phone and recorded a video to myself, and I think it really helped.

I told myself to stay strong and push through anyway, and that if I can make it to the weekend, I can make it to the store to get new food, and if I can do that, I can get to Wednesday the following week and finish 3 weeks of tracking. Past me was right- I made it to the weekend, I had a great time enjoying what I wanted at the art festival on Saturday, and I got some new foods for lunch this week. It's Monday morning as I write this and I am already feeling excited for the week ahead!

I am so proud of myself for making it this far. For having a few fun days or meals, and moving right along after instead of dwelling on if it was "bad" or not. I'm proud of myself for listening to my body and figuring out if I need more fuel or if I'm simply breaking a habit of eating when I'm bored. I'm proud of myself for working in some of my favorite small snacks and treats and finding a way that this is not all overwhelming- because it doesn't have to be!

Only two days to go and I will have been on a path to a healthier me for three weeks. It's not much yet, but three months from now it will be something huge. In my pep-talk video to myself, I reminded me that I won't have to track my calories forever and I won't be in a caloric deficit forever. Someday I'll be able to eyeball portions and eat to maintain my weight. Right now is hard because I'm rewiring years of food choices and habits, but some day it will be natural.

Another thing I wanted to note was that I've been feeling better overall in my head. The negative thoughts about myself have been few and far between, though I have some anger that has been brewing at the surface a lot lately that I need to address. Getting ready for the art festival I felt cute and attractive for the first time in a long time. I felt confident and pretty and like myself. And when Kenny and I took a picture, I loved it. My immediate thought was "Wow, I look so good in this one!" I can't remember the last time I was actually happy with a picture on the first try. It feels good to feel confident again.

I know that being thin is not a great goal to have overall. I know that bodies can be healthy and beautiful at every size and I know there is so much more to life than having a thin body. And yet, somehow I feel like my face and maybe even my belly are looking slimmer. It might be less bloating or water weight, but it still has given me a small boost. Honestly, I think that just knowing I've been making a conscious decision to make better choices has put me in a mindset of self-care rather than self-depreciation.

We are going up to the lake this weekend to spend time Kelsey and company for the Fourth of July which means I get to pick out a new swimsuit this week. I haven't been in a swimsuit and in the water since the wedding in Montana, but I am excited. I feel good, I am on the right track for long term success, and I get to spend the whole weekend in the sun! Even if I don't have my "ideal" body this summer, I have a perfectly good body and I'm gonna bring that confidence with me to the store and to the lake.

I am beautiful and powerful and I deserve to have just as much fun as any other person in a bikini!

Two Weeks In

I have been tracking my food in the LoseIt! app for two weeks now, as of yesterday. I am feeling good about how I've managed to use the app and how it really hasn't felt like much of a chore.

I feel like usually around this point I start to feel like tracking every item is just too tedious, and I inevitably fall off, thinking I'll just track the big things or maybe I'll just take a break for a couple days and then come back. I'm trying not to think of tracking as a chore or as something that is there to guilt me. 

Something I definitely like more than the WW system is that I can have a night where I go a little off, but when the new day begins there is no visual reminder of it. No negative point total staring at me until my week rolls over. It's a new day, a new start. The one night where I had a little extra fun might delay my overall goal by a day or two or three, but that's NOTHING, and I don't need to be guilted or reminded of it all week.

When I weighed myself yesterday, I was conflicted with my feelings. On one hand, I was excited to see the scale continue to trend downward. On the other, I was disappointed that it wasn't by much. In my brain, I do know that ultimately, it's better to go half a pound or so at a time. A slow, long journey is the way to actually keep the weight off in addition to other benefits like allowing my body time to adjust and having potentially less loose skin at the end of it all. Somewhere else in there though, is a part that is screaming that I should be losing MORE and doing it NOW. This is the part that wants me to be down 30 pounds by the wedding in September so I can talk about my success and how proud I am and hear the compliments, but not the part that wants to feel strong and confident every moment along the way.

Originally, i was going to wait until July to adjust my calorie deficit, however after looking over my last two weeks of data, I think I'm definitely able to handle cutting down by another 100 calories per day. I've mostly been eating between 1700-1800 calories each day anyway with not much struggle continuing to feeling hungry, so I decided to drop my daily goal to 1700 and I'll do that for the next week or so to see how it feels. I also plan to add in exercise next week, just 20-30 minutes of movement per day, 5 days each week. That's a walk around the block, or a short home workout. I am not expecting much, and I want it to feel like a part of my day that I look forward to because it makes me feel better, not a part I dread. If all goes well, I will probably be adding calories back in to supplement the extra energy I will be using to workout.

Do I want to see the numbers on the scale fall away rapidly? For sure. But just as it took me 10 years to gain 95 pounds, it's going to take more time than 2 weeks to see major change. If I stick with my current plan of tracking my meals and moving my body, I'm going to see change. I just need to be patient and persevere. I need to focus on more Non-Scale Victories when I am feeling down about the specific numbers I see. Hopefully this journey won't take me another 10 years to reverse, but I do want to focus on patience and gratitude between here and the finish line.

My current long-term goal: Lose approximately 83 pounds to get to a base weight of 125 lbs by my 30th birthday (542 days).

My current short-term goal: Lose approximately 8 pounds to be under 200 by B & A's wedding (86 days).

NSVs This Week and Last:

1. Almost no heartburn before bed for the last two weeks!

2. Almost no headaches that came out of nowhere/after eating junk.

3. Feeling more well rested overall in the mornings.

4. Feeling like I've been in a better general headspace about my body and how it looks.

5. Been looking forward to tracking meals to see how it will all puzzle together.

An edit:

Not even 20 minutes after posting this I did a little more math regarding my calories needed for maintenance if I remain sedentary vs if I add in weekly light exercise. If I don't exercise at all and maintain my mostly sedentary lifestyle, I am still at a slight caloric deficit eating at 1800 calories each day. Over time, this will still lead to weight loss, albeit  very slow. If I add in 5 days/week of exercise, suddenly I'm at 600 calorie deficit each day. I think based on this, it's smarter for me to remain at 1800 calories per day instead of adjusting anything. Depending on my hunger levels and if I find myself plateauing, I can add in more calories from there, but as it is I am finding it comfortable to eat at the 1800 mark. 

I do plan to add in SOME movement, so it's not necessary for me to make up a larger deficit in less calories. I feel good about knowing that even if I only get 3 or 4 days of exercise in each week, I will still be making a bigger difference. I think this was the motivation I needed to get moving!

Thoughts on Exercise

I had plans this week to wake up at 5am and get a workout in. I think that personally, getting a bit of exercise in first thing in the morning will work best for me. Starting my day with movement and getting that burst of energy at the start I think will kickstart my routine in the best way.

I've had alarms set now for Monday and Tuesday, and I think it's doable. I'm not dead tired, mostly reluctant to leave my comfortable warm bed. This morning, I even sat up for a few moments. I think if I had actually got out of bed and moved around a bit, I would have been fine. Maybe tomorrow I'll actually do it.

I was feeling guilty yesterday for not doing what I had initially set out to do, thinking I had already failed myself,  but then I had a thought-

"Exercise is not a punishment. It should be enjoyed."

So simple and yet, it really clicked with me. I am attempting to reset my whole routine, my way of thinking and living. I have been a morning person for a while but never a "5 AM" person. I've never been a morning exercise person. I've rarely been an exercise person at all. I can hardly expect myself to wake up one Monday bright and early and hop to my feet and just do it. 

So I thought, "Okay, tomorrow I'm just going to wake up and look at my phone or something for 15 minutes to wake up enough to get out of bed." No pressure to get up and work out, just wake up slow. So I kind of did that. Ultimately I did fall back asleep for an hour or so, but I think I was right on the verge, and honestly it felt so much nicer to contemplate this gentle start rather than throwing myself into my workout clothes and immediately starting a program. 

Exercise is not a punishment. It should be savored and enjoyed. It should be met with gratitude that I am able to move my body. 

I do not want to hate my morning routine, or my workouts, or my diet because where is the sustainability of a whole life in that? Where is the joy?

I genuinely feel like an early morning routine will ultimately give me more energy and bring me more satisfaction, but I am not going to force myself to get up and workout on any day that feels like punishment or discipline. Does working for a better life take hard work and dedication? Absolutely, but I intend to have a good relationship with my mind and body above all, and that starts with listening to her needs. 

Here are some things I love about myself today:

1. I loved the way I looked in my cheetah print dress on Monday!

2. I loved the color of lipstick I found at Target- it looked great on me!

3. I love when I get my nails done, press-ons or a full set. It makes me feel very feminine.

4. I am proud of myself for tracking what I've been eating for almost 2 weeks!

Going Hiking- June 18, 2022

I haven't been out to Ledges in a couple years now. I remember one of the first ever YouTube videos I made was a vlog out at the state park, walking around during finals week. This would have been Spring of 2019, and at that time I was still thinking I'd be in Florida by the end of Summer on my third DCP.

Anyway, Kenny and I have been to Ledges to walk around together once, and we camped there one other time as well. This was back during that first summer though, in 2020. It is important to me that I start exercising in ways that I really enjoy. Hiking and playing tennis are the two that immediately come to mind. So when Kenny asked what I wanted to do this weekend, going for a small hike immediately came to mind. Outdoors, in the fresh air, moving my body.

I was feeling really confident today after making a delicious breakfast and feeling refreshed after my shower, and even kind of pleasantly surprised that my workout shorts still fit (mostly). But then, I must have looked in the mirror one too many times, because then the doubt and mean started to creep in.

"You look like a boy with a hat on." 

"Your face has become so round."

"You don't look like the cute girls on Insta when they go out to exercise."

I changed tops a couple of times, but then I was too warm even still inside the house. So I put the damn tank top back on, because I deserve to be comfortable on a hot day. And I resolved to stop looking in the mirror because it wasn't doing me any good. No one is even looking at me anyway. I also decided I needed to make a list of 7 things that I currently enjoy or love about myself. I'd like to make that a habit- when the thoughts get mean and unhelpful, make lists of things that are positive and uplifting.

1. I've really come to enjoy the sound of my own laugh.

2. I'm really proud of myself for becoming more financially responsible so far this year.

3. I really like the way my hair looks right after I've showered and it's got some shape and volume.

4. I still really like my curvy figure from the front, I feel very feminine.

5. I love my combination of nose ring and septum ring.

6. I am proud of myself for doing a 5k this spring, that was very cool.

7. I'm proud of myself for going out and exercising when I could have stayed home and sat on my butt all day.

"We're all just wearing bodies like costumes until we die." Two- Flock of Dimes