Pushing Through and Getting Tough

I made it through the weekend. I honestly was unsure how it was going to go based on my feelings Friday and a rough start to Saturday. When I woke up, I found that my weight had gone up again (bummer) and when I took my measurements, they had also increased since the last time I recorded them in mid-April (infuriating).

How could this be?? I've been eating at a controlled deficit for 6 weeks, something I for sure was not doing back in April.

I begrudgingly took some new progress photos in my neon pink bikini (because it makes me feel hot) and tried to put on a happy face for our movie date. It didn't help that Kenny hopped on the scale too and was down SIX POUNDS in two weeks. Are you fucking kidding me??

The day started rough and I was tempted to throw it all out, but I enjoyed a couple drinks and a taco at the movie and by the time I got home, I was feeling quite a bit better about the whole thing. Here's where I landed:

•I was still very sore on Saturday from the leg workout I had done on Wednesday. My muscles were likely inflamed and holding more blood and water while they repaired. My weight did not jump up in pounds, only by a few ounces. 

•My measurements from April were taken right after my 5k. I had been going to the gym 3x per week for about 3 or 4 weeks. Also, I could have mis-measured. Moving forward, I'll be wearing the same thing each time I measure to keep it controlled. I'll also be measuring every month or so to have more consistent data.

•While my immediate reaction was that Kenny lost those six pounds without changing anything, after my jealously wore off, I realized that was not true. He went from a mostly sedentary desk job to a warehouse job where he is on his feet all day with no AC. In addition to sweating and moving all day, he's also eating less food. Of course that kind of drastic change will result in big results.

•I actually look pretty damn cute as-is right now in that pink bikini of mine! Like damn, it's crazy what a cute outfit will do to boost your confidence in those pictures. I'm glad I took them anyway, and I'm glad I made myself smile for them.

By the time Saturday night rolled around I had prepped a grocery list stacked with high protein meals and I was ready to take on the week ahead. I spent Sunday meal prepping (and filming) and even got to take a 2 mile walk with Kenny in the evening and then enjoy a shower and some YouTube videos to wind down.

All in all, a very productive weekend accompanied by a mental shift to buckle down and kick this thing into gear. I'm really glad I've taken the time to get used to tracking my meals and finding a balance of calories that makes me feel full and satisfied while making purposeful healthful decisions. Now it is time for me to add in purposeful and invigorating exercise that challenges me and brings me joy. 

This will be the hard part, I know that. This will be where determination and discipline meet, where I am tested- do I really want to make a change or do I want to remain in this state for the rest of my life? I am developing a routine that works for me, I am trying a higher protein diet to keep me satisfied and help my muscles grow, and I am proud of myself for getting to this point- almost at the 7 week mark!

I really do feel like I am starting to find a new piece of myself. I am slowly chipping away at the layers of negative self-talk and perceived failure to find the girl underneath who just needed a little encouragement and a little bit of grace to flourish.