Days Go By

 And the days go by, I can feel 'em flying like a hand out the window as the cars go by.

It is May already. I feel like the first few months of the year always go by quickly, because what else is going on, right? There's not really a big holiday to look forward to and the Winter days just bleed one into the other.

But now it's May, Spring is here in full, and I somehow have no idea where the first entire quarter of my year went. I know that time is arbitrary, that my new year could start in July if I wanted it to, so in that regard only two more months until we start fresh!

I want to do things. I want to garden, but it's a little too early for that. I want to go see friends, but it's still a little sketchy to be doing that very often. Not to mention the fact that I don't have many friends who live close anymore. I want to write, but I always seem to have other things to do first and I don't have an office space I can set myself up in. I want to craft, but it seems like I've already spent too much money on a dozen half finished projects.

I don't feel great about myself lately, I feel sad and lonely. I feel frustrated. I work all week to get to my weekend and then I end up just catching up on chores or running errands or sitting around all day because I'm exhausted from the work week and then it's Sunday night at 9pm and I need to go to bed and I haven't done a damn thing I wanted to do yet again. An endless cycle, days flying past with no meaning, no importance.

I need to find a way to sustain my own motivation and positivity outside of the factors around me. If Kenny is having a bad day, I need to be able to still find a way to get things done that I want to work on without getting dragged down into a depression. I need to be able to encourage him and not have it effect my mood. I need to be able to have a bad day at work and leave it behind.

I am working my way toward 28 and I don't really know what I'm working toward anymore. Maybe promotions at my job? Maybe getting married? Owning a home? I don't know. I've finished college, I have a full time job. Anything is an option, but I just sit here and I let the days go by, wishing for more, but not really knowing what "more" is.

Cog in the Wheel

I have to do something. I have to find some creative outlet. Something to do and look forward to when I'm not working, because right now the days bleed into one another and I don't have much to look forward to. Especially with that missed communications job, my urge to write has been reignited along with my interest in finding a way to monetize my skills.

I want to own my own business. This is something that has been in the back of my mind for a while, but it's always been persistent. I don't know what I want to do for certain, and that's the problem. I could try to write and maybe try to publish some small projects. I could give YouTube a good solid try. Maybe I could learn to be a competent baker or cook. I mean Hell, I could probably combine all of those things into one brand.

I just don't know where to start. I'm honestly a little scared to take that first step. I feel unqualified for much of anything. And that's the problem right? because I'm not ever going to get *good* at something until I practice, and the only way to practice is to actually do the thing. I feel a little more comfortable with writing, but to prove my own point, I've been writing blog posts since early high school. They've really only ever been in the journal entry style, so I think I'd like to try some other things. Some informative posts, maybe even try to develop some recipes to share. I could see those things coming easily for me (oh my god, I'm going to be that person that has a novella in front of their recipe lol). 

I always get back *here*: I want to start something, I know I need to make a plan, but I just stall out. I get bored or I get scared or I just don't know where to begin and I never get past this longing to do something different. I have some videos I took right before we put Walter down, they're of me making that zucchini soup. I had planned to edit those and do a voiceover for them and post on my YouTube channel again. I was pumped, I was excited, and then I lost my motivation.

Sometimes I feel like maybe I'm just attracted to the newness of starting a new blog and buying a new journal to keep all of my ideas in. Maybe I don't have what it takes to actually be my own boss, make content, and make something for myself. Maybe I'll always just be a dreamer, stuck in the machine, just another cog in the wheel.

Pitter Patter

I sat here for far too long considering how to not be too cheesy before realizing that's definitely not within my wheelhouse.

I adore you, and so quickly you have stolen my heart away. I walked away from our first date and I said aloud to myself, "I could really like this boy." It wasn't three weeks later that I was thinking, "this guy is going to make me love him."

I miss you when you leave, and I feel full when I can pull you into my arms. You might find it silly to be so touched that you left the pink and yellow Starbursts for me, but knowing you listened when I mentioned that one small preference is just another way you show me you love me. When you do my dishes after I cook, when you have a cup of water ready for me before I arrive, when you fill my ice trays- these little things make my heart run over with love for you. I never want you to stop holding my hand or putting your arm around me or pulling me into hugs. I never want to stop kissing you or putting my head on your shoulder or playing with your hair. I want to go to more concerts with you, I want to go on road trips with you, I want to watch movies and play games and drink beer. I want to show you where I grew up and I want to walk around your old neighborhood. I want to meet your friends and tell you all about my favorite animals at the zoo. There's so much time I want to spend with you, so many memories I want to make, and once again my patience gets away from me.

I wish I could write something profound for you. Some string of words so beautiful and well-thought out that they perfectly capture every feeling I've ever had. I wish I had words bigger than love, because I swear sometimes I am so overwhelmed with emotion that "love" just doesn't do it justice. I know that's not what you need or expect, but I just want you to know that with every moment that passes, I fall harder and faster. Until I see you again, I'm thinking of you. Always.

Majors and Madness

I wish I hadn't spent the last 3 years hating my major.

Today in class, I had one of the most encouraging conversations between myself, my professor, and my classmates. I heard from people who were so proud to be human services majors.I learned that my professor herself took 7.5 years to graduate with her undergrad, that she was also 25. She graduated with five majors mind you, but we took a similarly longer path. Someone else in class spoke up after I did and I learned that she also is 25 and had taken a long time to get to where we are. She reminded me that no one will ever know or care how long it took me to complete my degree unless I tell them. What matters is simply that I completed it.

For whatever reason this was exactly what I needed to hear today. I feel full and proud, I feel happy about being here for the first time in a long time. I don't feel shame, I don't feel confusion. I don't worry that maybe I've been studying the wrong thing this whole time. For the first time in the last several years, I am not doubting, for this minute at least, that this was the major I was intended for. Maybe down the line I will still use it, and I will still be happy. For the first time in a long time, I am hopeful that I really am on the right path.

What You Should Know Before You Go To College

 As I was writing my previous post about going back to school, I realized I had some sage wisdom that I wanted to share in a more concise format.... and then I remembered that it's me, so there's no way in Hell it's going to be concise... :) Anyway, here it is, my big, fancy List of Things You Should Know. If you've already completed this incredible life achievement, congrats! I hope that you will still enjoy reading about the things I have learned, and maybe some of them will still ring true with you, even now. I would also encourage anyone who reads this to think about how you may talk to younger siblings, friends, or even children about college, and how you might be influencing their experiences through your conversations. Enjoy!

Back To School!

 While I know that the first of the year was two weeks ago, something about today feels more like the beginning of my new year than any other. Today is the very last "First Day of School" I will probably ever have! We are officially in the home stretch, there are only 117 days between me and graduation day, and while I won't get my diploma until after the summer and my internship are over, that is my mark: 117 days until I walk across the stage and finally, finally, can say that I am a college graduate. I honestly didn't know for a while there if this day would come any time soon for me. My journey has been far from conventional, and I thought I would talk about it here today, so that maybe someone else out there could feel a little more comfortable if their college experience does not look like the typical cookie-cutter "four year plan."

1.3.19 [A Series]

I'm going insane tonight. I am at work, my regular 10pm-8am shift, but I am here with the new hire who will be doing some audit shifts during the week and she is driving me up a wall.

Much like Lisa, who I already have to deal with at home, this woman laughs at EVERYTHING. She also feels the need to narrate her every move and inform me every time she goes pee. She's already told me about her divorce from her cheating ex-husband and how shes going for another (better) job interview tomorrow morning.

It's just too much information. I don't care. I don't know you. Please leave me alone.

I was talking to my friend Rachel earlier tonight about how I've become such a hermit in the last year or so. I of course love hanging out with my close friends, but when I am at home, I just want to be left alone, and social interactions that involve lots of new people stress me out. I've also become quite comfortable being alone at work. In fact, because I feel pressured to be pleasant at home, work has become the space where I do have some alone time. Maybe that's why this woman is driving me crazy, because it feels like an infringement on my personal time to myself. It would also help if I felt like I could go sit down without her starting a conversation or narrating to me why she's organizing, or that she's organizing at all. I think it also rubs me the wrong way that she's kind of been snooping around the back office tonight as well. Nothing too serious, but apparently she tried the handle on Amanda's office, because she found the file-folders in there.

I think I'm just grump because Ryan has me working on his computer training. It sucks as a training program, and I literally just completed my own program last night, so it's just all of the same exercises over and over. I wish you could test out of the modules. Instead of going through all of the training, you could just take the end test and however well you did determined what extra modules you had to complete.

I'm rambling. I just wanted to do anything other than work on that training for a minute. And I really needed to vent about this woman because all of my friends are asleep already.