Thoughts on Exercise

I had plans this week to wake up at 5am and get a workout in. I think that personally, getting a bit of exercise in first thing in the morning will work best for me. Starting my day with movement and getting that burst of energy at the start I think will kickstart my routine in the best way.

I've had alarms set now for Monday and Tuesday, and I think it's doable. I'm not dead tired, mostly reluctant to leave my comfortable warm bed. This morning, I even sat up for a few moments. I think if I had actually got out of bed and moved around a bit, I would have been fine. Maybe tomorrow I'll actually do it.

I was feeling guilty yesterday for not doing what I had initially set out to do, thinking I had already failed myself,  but then I had a thought-

"Exercise is not a punishment. It should be enjoyed."

So simple and yet, it really clicked with me. I am attempting to reset my whole routine, my way of thinking and living. I have been a morning person for a while but never a "5 AM" person. I've never been a morning exercise person. I've rarely been an exercise person at all. I can hardly expect myself to wake up one Monday bright and early and hop to my feet and just do it. 

So I thought, "Okay, tomorrow I'm just going to wake up and look at my phone or something for 15 minutes to wake up enough to get out of bed." No pressure to get up and work out, just wake up slow. So I kind of did that. Ultimately I did fall back asleep for an hour or so, but I think I was right on the verge, and honestly it felt so much nicer to contemplate this gentle start rather than throwing myself into my workout clothes and immediately starting a program. 

Exercise is not a punishment. It should be savored and enjoyed. It should be met with gratitude that I am able to move my body. 

I do not want to hate my morning routine, or my workouts, or my diet because where is the sustainability of a whole life in that? Where is the joy?

I genuinely feel like an early morning routine will ultimately give me more energy and bring me more satisfaction, but I am not going to force myself to get up and workout on any day that feels like punishment or discipline. Does working for a better life take hard work and dedication? Absolutely, but I intend to have a good relationship with my mind and body above all, and that starts with listening to her needs. 

Here are some things I love about myself today:

1. I loved the way I looked in my cheetah print dress on Monday!

2. I loved the color of lipstick I found at Target- it looked great on me!

3. I love when I get my nails done, press-ons or a full set. It makes me feel very feminine.

4. I am proud of myself for tracking what I've been eating for almost 2 weeks!

Going Hiking- June 18, 2022

I haven't been out to Ledges in a couple years now. I remember one of the first ever YouTube videos I made was a vlog out at the state park, walking around during finals week. This would have been Spring of 2019, and at that time I was still thinking I'd be in Florida by the end of Summer on my third DCP.

Anyway, Kenny and I have been to Ledges to walk around together once, and we camped there one other time as well. This was back during that first summer though, in 2020. It is important to me that I start exercising in ways that I really enjoy. Hiking and playing tennis are the two that immediately come to mind. So when Kenny asked what I wanted to do this weekend, going for a small hike immediately came to mind. Outdoors, in the fresh air, moving my body.

I was feeling really confident today after making a delicious breakfast and feeling refreshed after my shower, and even kind of pleasantly surprised that my workout shorts still fit (mostly). But then, I must have looked in the mirror one too many times, because then the doubt and mean started to creep in.

"You look like a boy with a hat on." 

"Your face has become so round."

"You don't look like the cute girls on Insta when they go out to exercise."

I changed tops a couple of times, but then I was too warm even still inside the house. So I put the damn tank top back on, because I deserve to be comfortable on a hot day. And I resolved to stop looking in the mirror because it wasn't doing me any good. No one is even looking at me anyway. I also decided I needed to make a list of 7 things that I currently enjoy or love about myself. I'd like to make that a habit- when the thoughts get mean and unhelpful, make lists of things that are positive and uplifting.

1. I've really come to enjoy the sound of my own laugh.

2. I'm really proud of myself for becoming more financially responsible so far this year.

3. I really like the way my hair looks right after I've showered and it's got some shape and volume.

4. I still really like my curvy figure from the front, I feel very feminine.

5. I love my combination of nose ring and septum ring.

6. I am proud of myself for doing a 5k this spring, that was very cool.

7. I'm proud of myself for going out and exercising when I could have stayed home and sat on my butt all day.

"We're all just wearing bodies like costumes until we die." Two- Flock of Dimes

Another Year Around

Here we are, another new year and another year older. It seems strange to me that I have been keeping this blog, posting at least once per year, since 2013. It really has become my longest running journal of sorts. Some of it is pretty cringe to read back on, but I can also appreciate how far I've come and how much I've grown as a human.

This year I am looking forward to many things. I have a lot of goals in mind, some old and repeated and some new and exciting. Each one of them I am looking forward to pursuing and finding ways to attain them. 

2022 is the year I get my shit together. No, really. I mean it this time. 

I am so sick of feeling stuck, or like I have failed. I know everyone moves at their own pace but I am entering a time in my life where I can see more realistically into the future and I can see the things I want. To get to those things, I need to accomplish other tasks here and now. So, no more fucking around. I'm done living in fear that I'll never get to do the things I want to do, and I am taking control of my damn life. No more sitting around day after day wondering if it will ever change- this year it will.

Without further exposition, here are my goals for this year:

Health:

1. Get stronger!!
• My whole life I have been weak, but I do not want to feel that way anymore. I am a strong independent woman who would like to complete one pull-up on my own. Eventually, I would be interested in getting into real weight lifting, but for now I will start with the basics.
2. Find healthy favorites, alternatives and staples in my everyday diet.
• I have indulged in some good food in my 28 years, and I have had some amazing food in the last five or so. I want to start enjoying those "holy shit" moments and spend my in between time focusing on eating healthier options. Less meat and dairy, more veg varieties. Not to say I'll never have a fried pickle again, but when I do, I want it to be a treat.
3. Lose weight...
• This I am leaving purposefully generic. I do have a rough number of about 80 pounds in mind, and this will put me back into the "healthy" BMI range. However, I know that BMI does not account for muscle or active movement, and I know a person can weigh more than is commonly recommended and still be healthy. I would like to lose some weight as I believe my body will feel better if I do, but I am going to be focusing more on movement and diet, and letting the weight take care of itself.

Financial:

1. Pay off all credit card debt (at least)!!!
• I am sick of living under the umbrella that all of this debt has created. I have not been able to add any significant funds to my savings account in years because I have been living outside of my means, extending lines of credit, and pushing off this responsibility for far too long. I will be getting a part time job to help get me above board and I will be throwing all of that money into getting my debts paid off as soon as I can. In addition to my credit card debt, I also owe money to Kenny, my dad, and the credit union.
2. Put $1000 into my savings account to leave alone.
• This is just the minimum that I hope to put away for the year, but it is a starting point and more than I will have seen in my account for a long time. This will be the baseline for my savings moving forward- something I only dip into for major purchases and events.
3. Make future savings goals- wedding, house, overseas travel...
• Kenny and I are sitting down in a couple of weeks to discuss savings and how we can reach the goals we want to achieve together. We have recently talked about wanting to buy a house, but there are also some other major events we need to consider as well.

Creative:

1. Write some one-shot adventures for D&D!
• I've really enjoyed playing D&D in the last year, and even writing my own one-shot. I would really like to dive into this a little more and try writing a few more short adventures. If I can keep them generic, I might try to find a way to sell them as well. I think I could really find joy in this creative writing exercise.
2. Actively use my bullet journal for 6 months...
• I've poured hours into the journal I started this year, and after the one I built last year fizzled after just 3 weeks, I want to really put my heart into this year's effort. I love the process of setting up a new month, filling in the trackers as I go, and seeing the results over time. I think I can also use it as a way to meditate and spend time on my own.
3. Try a new hobby- watercolor painting.
• I have loved the look of watercolor paintings for years, and I have really wanted to give that particular craft a shot. I want to use the supplies I got for my birthday and try a new painting every other week or so to see if it is something that I can find joy in.

Personal:

1. Explore being a witch on a deeper level.
• The little I read on the subject this last year resonated with me so much. I want to read more books on the subject, delve into my own craft, and try my hand at being a true witch. I have a good feeling that I will find a lot of spiritual joy from this journey.
2. Journal or blog once per week!
• I've had this goal in the past, but I would really like to commit to it this year. I'd really like to have a year long record to look back on to remember how I was feeling and what events took place that I am almost certain to forget in the hustle and bustle of a whole year.
3. Spend meaningful and purposeful time with Kenny, family and friends.
• The last two years have been really hard to spend much time with people outside of the immediate household, but as we move into the third year of this pandemic, I hope that the dangers will wane enough that regular visits can once again be part of my life. 

Each month I will breakdown these goals into smaller elements to make them more attainable and I will try to make note of major updates as the year goes on. I am most looking forward to finding financial freedom and developing my healthier lifestyle, but I am also so excited to see how all of these other goals manifest themselves and the accomplishments I will achieve.

Days Go By

 And the days go by, I can feel 'em flying like a hand out the window as the cars go by.

It is May already. I feel like the first few months of the year always go by quickly, because what else is going on, right? There's not really a big holiday to look forward to and the Winter days just bleed one into the other.

But now it's May, Spring is here in full, and I somehow have no idea where the first entire quarter of my year went. I know that time is arbitrary, that my new year could start in July if I wanted it to, so in that regard only two more months until we start fresh!

I want to do things. I want to garden, but it's a little too early for that. I want to go see friends, but it's still a little sketchy to be doing that very often. Not to mention the fact that I don't have many friends who live close anymore. I want to write, but I always seem to have other things to do first and I don't have an office space I can set myself up in. I want to craft, but it seems like I've already spent too much money on a dozen half finished projects.

I don't feel great about myself lately, I feel sad and lonely. I feel frustrated. I work all week to get to my weekend and then I end up just catching up on chores or running errands or sitting around all day because I'm exhausted from the work week and then it's Sunday night at 9pm and I need to go to bed and I haven't done a damn thing I wanted to do yet again. An endless cycle, days flying past with no meaning, no importance.

I need to find a way to sustain my own motivation and positivity outside of the factors around me. If Kenny is having a bad day, I need to be able to still find a way to get things done that I want to work on without getting dragged down into a depression. I need to be able to encourage him and not have it effect my mood. I need to be able to have a bad day at work and leave it behind.

I am working my way toward 28 and I don't really know what I'm working toward anymore. Maybe promotions at my job? Maybe getting married? Owning a home? I don't know. I've finished college, I have a full time job. Anything is an option, but I just sit here and I let the days go by, wishing for more, but not really knowing what "more" is.

Cog in the Wheel

I have to do something. I have to find some creative outlet. Something to do and look forward to when I'm not working, because right now the days bleed into one another and I don't have much to look forward to. Especially with that missed communications job, my urge to write has been reignited along with my interest in finding a way to monetize my skills.

I want to own my own business. This is something that has been in the back of my mind for a while, but it's always been persistent. I don't know what I want to do for certain, and that's the problem. I could try to write and maybe try to publish some small projects. I could give YouTube a good solid try. Maybe I could learn to be a competent baker or cook. I mean Hell, I could probably combine all of those things into one brand.

I just don't know where to start. I'm honestly a little scared to take that first step. I feel unqualified for much of anything. And that's the problem right? because I'm not ever going to get *good* at something until I practice, and the only way to practice is to actually do the thing. I feel a little more comfortable with writing, but to prove my own point, I've been writing blog posts since early high school. They've really only ever been in the journal entry style, so I think I'd like to try some other things. Some informative posts, maybe even try to develop some recipes to share. I could see those things coming easily for me (oh my god, I'm going to be that person that has a novella in front of their recipe lol). 

I always get back *here*: I want to start something, I know I need to make a plan, but I just stall out. I get bored or I get scared or I just don't know where to begin and I never get past this longing to do something different. I have some videos I took right before we put Walter down, they're of me making that zucchini soup. I had planned to edit those and do a voiceover for them and post on my YouTube channel again. I was pumped, I was excited, and then I lost my motivation.

Sometimes I feel like maybe I'm just attracted to the newness of starting a new blog and buying a new journal to keep all of my ideas in. Maybe I don't have what it takes to actually be my own boss, make content, and make something for myself. Maybe I'll always just be a dreamer, stuck in the machine, just another cog in the wheel.

Pitter Patter

I sat here for far too long considering how to not be too cheesy before realizing that's definitely not within my wheelhouse.

I adore you, and so quickly you have stolen my heart away. I walked away from our first date and I said aloud to myself, "I could really like this boy." It wasn't three weeks later that I was thinking, "this guy is going to make me love him."

I miss you when you leave, and I feel full when I can pull you into my arms. You might find it silly to be so touched that you left the pink and yellow Starbursts for me, but knowing you listened when I mentioned that one small preference is just another way you show me you love me. When you do my dishes after I cook, when you have a cup of water ready for me before I arrive, when you fill my ice trays- these little things make my heart run over with love for you. I never want you to stop holding my hand or putting your arm around me or pulling me into hugs. I never want to stop kissing you or putting my head on your shoulder or playing with your hair. I want to go to more concerts with you, I want to go on road trips with you, I want to watch movies and play games and drink beer. I want to show you where I grew up and I want to walk around your old neighborhood. I want to meet your friends and tell you all about my favorite animals at the zoo. There's so much time I want to spend with you, so many memories I want to make, and once again my patience gets away from me.

I wish I could write something profound for you. Some string of words so beautiful and well-thought out that they perfectly capture every feeling I've ever had. I wish I had words bigger than love, because I swear sometimes I am so overwhelmed with emotion that "love" just doesn't do it justice. I know that's not what you need or expect, but I just want you to know that with every moment that passes, I fall harder and faster. Until I see you again, I'm thinking of you. Always.

Majors and Madness

I wish I hadn't spent the last 3 years hating my major.

Today in class, I had one of the most encouraging conversations between myself, my professor, and my classmates. I heard from people who were so proud to be human services majors.I learned that my professor herself took 7.5 years to graduate with her undergrad, that she was also 25. She graduated with five majors mind you, but we took a similarly longer path. Someone else in class spoke up after I did and I learned that she also is 25 and had taken a long time to get to where we are. She reminded me that no one will ever know or care how long it took me to complete my degree unless I tell them. What matters is simply that I completed it.

For whatever reason this was exactly what I needed to hear today. I feel full and proud, I feel happy about being here for the first time in a long time. I don't feel shame, I don't feel confusion. I don't worry that maybe I've been studying the wrong thing this whole time. For the first time in the last several years, I am not doubting, for this minute at least, that this was the major I was intended for. Maybe down the line I will still use it, and I will still be happy. For the first time in a long time, I am hopeful that I really am on the right path.