Pardon Me

Today, I'm sitting in the same cafe that a little more than a year ago I was sitting in the day I found out what my new role would be on my second college program. I remember sitting nervously waiting for my friend Rachel to look up my name, and if I would even be in the system yet. After the fact, that day felt like all of the synchronicities built upon one another were leading me in one single direction- and maybe they were.

It feels really silly to say it out loud, but I do think it's true to some degree. I'm depressed, and it's because I'm not at Disney. I've built this thing up in my head as something amazing and unique and phenomenal. And maybe it was. But then again, maybe it was just another job- some internship 1500 miles from home. Why do I feel like this one 8 month period has defined my life? Why do I feel like a failure for coming home?

I tried to explain it to my mom, but she doesn't get it, just like Kelsey doesn't. And maybe that's the thing, because Emma Louise does. And Susannah does. And Alayna, Nicole, Michael, Charla, and Brianna. If you were there, if you experienced it, then you get it. You get that it was just a job and some days you really couldn't stand to be there. Some days the heat was brutal or you were completely drenched from a surprise rain shower and all you wanted to do was go home. Some days the people absolutely sucked and so did your attitude. But you would also know that it was fulfilling and joy-making. That on your days off, something kept drawing you back in. That when the clock was ticking down on those last days and last hours, something inside of you was breaking. That when you pulled away for the last time, you left a piece behind.

Yes, I wanted to come home. I was homesick, and I did want to finish school. I felt guilty for being in Florida, 1500 miles away, while my dad sat at home alone. While his memory got worse. While my mom sat at home, worrying about her only daughter. While our newly restored relationship sat waiting for me to come back. While the idea that I was throwing my education away hung over my head. While the thought that I had possibly disappointed my family and friends weighed on me. I did want to come home, but the second I clocked out for the last time, I felt sadness.

Long before that, weeks leading up to my last day I was worrying over if I had made the wrong choice. And in some ways it mirrored that first program, but it was for different reasons. I had fallen into some kind of love the first time, and maybe I did this time too, but it was with a person before. And those things fade, and break. I know even now, that this love I have for those animals isn't going anywhere any time soon. I considered quitting both times, yes. 1500 miles is a damn long way to be from everything you've ever known. Sure, I'm doing something good now. I am finishing my degree and moving on from that particular season in my life. I am very much looking forward to the day I am finished, and I am glad to be here finishing it. But this other thing was good too. It was good in a soulful way.

I convinced myself that I needed to come home for me, but it was for everyone else. It was for my mom who only has one child and she was halfway across the country from her. It was for my dad who seemed to be fading before my very eyes, who I believed was disappointed in me. It was for Kelsey who I love dearly, and needed me to encourage her to go back to school too. It was for Kaylee who needed me to support her in her daily struggles. It was for all of these people because they needed me, and it was selfish of me to be away doing this silly thing. And in reality, how full of myself must I be to believe that the people I love need me within arms reach to be okay? I told everyone it was for me- I was going to go home and finish school. I had finished my time, and was leaving again. I was happy to be doing these things because they were the best for me. But now I'm not so sure that I wasn't just justifying the guilt.

So what is it that I miss? I've asked this before, but really, what do I miss?
-I miss the animals. I miss seeing them interact with one another, and just being near them. The animals at DAK became a part of me. But I can find animals that mean as much to me anywhere. I can work at another zoo, and develop those same feelings. I can even visit these animals!
-I miss the people. I miss the friend group, and the day-to-day routine of seeing some of the best people. But I can and will meet new friends wherever I go. I haven't lost the important friendships I made, and the truth is that those people will not be the same if I go back now. Some are gone, some have moved on, and it's never the same twice around.
-I miss the weather. I miss the massive rain storms and the humidity. I am romanticizing here, I know that. I know it was miserable most summer days, and that those costumes were horrendous. Probably almost anywhere else I could find more habitable weather.
-I miss feeling like I was making a difference, like my co-workers and I were all working towards a common goal- making happiness and joy. And while that big Disney logo helps to facilitate feelings of magic, I know that I could make that joy almost anywhere. Wherever I go, even at the hotel, we are working towards that same goal. And I can make a difference in the world in many lines of work.
-I miss the parks, and getting to go hang out in them whenever I wanted. I miss riding my favorite rides and seeing the nighttime fireworks. I miss feeling the magic for myself. This is perhaps the one thing that cannot be replaced by any other job or experience. Disney is a one of a kind place, and if it means this much to me, it's doubtful that any other place will do the same. But there are vacations, and there are annual passes. There are opportunities for me to go back, even if it's for shorter periods of time.

Looking at that list, how can I justify going back, when so many of the same opportunities can be found for me nearly anywhere else? I'll be 25 when I finish school. I could go down and spend 5 years working and moving around and maybe moving up some in the company. Would I view those years as wasted? Will my view be different 12 months from now? Will I even still be pining for this place? I wish I knew how to let it go, how Alyssa did. I wish I knew how to feel content HERE. How to feel like I am making good life choices here and still moving forward. It feels like my life is one big game of Chutes and Ladders, and I'll climb a couple ladders, but then end up sliding right back to the beginning. How do I look at the experience as a whole and feel content with it being over for now? Because instead I feel like my work is not finished there, and for the life of me, I don't know if that's true or just wishful thinking.

Puff the Magic Dragon...

Every time I get high, I feel this need to document the journey so that later I can look back and see if there were any major revelations or perhaps discrepancies in time. The process is fascinating to me. So this last weekend, I had the last of a little caramel and started to write. Below is what came from it. 

"I don't smoke, I eat edibles And there's a pretty familiar pattern.

First I can feel the skin tingles about 40 minutes in, and it's like clockwork.

Then the munchies. Oh my god the munchies. It's always a sweet and salty thing. And it's always really weird shit. Tonight- Nutella an French fried onions. You do what you can I suppose. Maybe I should try cooking something big.... but I need to go shopping.

Anyway...the munchies. And shortly after my head starts getting fuzzy and time begins to stretch. Following one thought is going to become difficult soon. There is a thick feeling in my throat, I get really bad dry mouth right around here too. And my arms and toes feel fuzzy like when I drink.

I just went to get some water. The feeling in my throat was too much. I can't type as fast as I'm thinking.

(Here is where I switched to my phone "notes" app. I couldn't type as fast as I could text.)

There’s always this feeling that there’s supposed to be repetition. Everyone goes through the same steps when high

But that can’t be true can it? Certainly every trip is different. My muscles feel heavy and twitchy

Curious/paranoid/chill

Different stages. Or maybe it’s the random sequence that makes it relaxing? Maybe this is what people enjoy about the drug? But I have the same thoughts all the time and it’s kind of annoying. Maybe I’m tony trying rough. Andy is wearing a hot pink shift and Ted an yellow tie. It’s so awful. How have inevver noticed this?? Sorry I kinda just gave up on the autocorrect because my thoughts were moving to padtS 

(This is where I gave up on making sure my words were accurate. It was just way too time consuming, especially with how quickly my thoughts were changing. Sorry if things aren't legible.)

Oooo fizzy heavy eyes. Those snapeas sound so good right now: I’m almost out of French ions :( between micheals replies, it felt like about 20 mins. Is this accurate?

My muscles are def feeling shaking. It’s weird, I can ohsicaly feel it. I want to go for a walk. I really only need to last 2 more hours and I’ll be good but icky ic j have 4 hours in me 

Heart palpitations. Or something. My breathing is heavier. Brain is very swirly. So is my chest. Limbs tingly. Pretty cold hut phone says 66. Feel like I’m hearing things extra loud now:

Going for a small walk. Listened it sufjan getting creepy bad vibes and knotnkn chest. Is this intuition or parianoi? Heat rate for sure increased. Can’t find a nice quiet drop spot out here. Cold wind feels nice.wow such paranoia right now like I’m freaking out a bit. Maybe I’ll just sit on the porch and the will have to do. Back

Home. Feeling better. Sitting k. Porchi lisengi g to interstellar ew bad heartburn

Wwedmaps?

(And almost like someone snapped their fingers, I suddenly found myself able to pay attention long enough to correct my typing again.)

Good time listening to the music. I can also form full thoughts again with min distraction. Went to sleep about 4:30am. Start time was 2am almost on the nose, I ate the edible at 1am. Major tired phase has passed, I’m surprised. I think I have usually given in by now. Maybe I need to allot myself more time. I’d love to have a WHOLE day or a whole vacation just for being baked. I need more weed in my life. Damn.

So that's it. I can remember all of the moments that I was typing and some of the things I was feeling. It's interesting to read back on, and now that I've documented it at least once, maybe I can just chill next time and not think so critically.

Update on this as of the beginning of 2019: Yes, I have chilled out quite a bit. Either this log helped me to not be so critical, or I have just accepted the chain of events as truth. Also, I do smoke now ✌️

Celebrate Them

Some days are better than others.

Some days I look at myself in the mirror and barely recognize the girl I see. Luckily, those seem to be fewer and more far between.

But other days I feel exactly like who I am supposed to be.

I am the girl who drinks rum and coke, or vodka soda when I'm feeling tough and bitchy (and wanna have a real good time).

I am the girl who will have a cigarette after a long day at work (sorry, Mom).

I am the girl who will drive home, window down, music blaring, singing at the top of my lungs to some Top 100 Hit (that I knew before it was popular, I might add).

I feel good in my skin tonight, I feel alive and free. I feel like an actual adult, like things are falling into place, and I'm where I'm supposed to be.

Those nagging feelings of doubt and sadness and loneliness and nostalgia are creeping in at the edges, tempting me to have one more drink before bed so that I can ward them off. But I'm trying so hard to celebrate the feeling I have right this moment, the one I just felt 15 minutes ago in the car, the one I felt standing in the bathroom earlier after I had done my hair and makeup.

I am woman, hear me roar!

How silly, but I get it. I am true, and brave, and resolute (things every woman should be told that she is on a daily basis). I am a cosmopolitan girl. I am me. And I'm gonna celebrate that tonight as I drift off to sleep, knowing that I have friends who love me and family nearby, and a whole new world of possibilities waiting before me.

Just Pick One

I have so many ideas floating around in my head. So many things that could probably be developed into a full piece. I even have the framework done for one full story, one that is probably pretty good. I wish I could just PICK ONE instead of starting with 500 words at a time and then leaving it behind.

And how the hell does anyone come up with original content anyway? I know the kind of books I enjoy, so I think that's the kind of book I would like to write, but then all of my ideas are going to come from that genre and the ideas that already exist. How many times can a young unsuspecting woman end up in a position of rebellion against the BIG BAD GOVERNMENT?

And what about all of the caveats and the things that are under or over represented? I think we could always use more strong women in literature, but are there enough strong young men? Are there books written for young men to relate to? And what about people of color, or the LGBTQ community? I would love to write a character, or a few of them, that inspire people across the board. I would love to write a story that isn't forced and just truly and honestly depicts the plot and happens to have great, diverse characters. How did J.K. Rowling get to where she is? Did she know when she was writing Socerer's Stone how great it was? How much it would mean? Did Jodi Picoult know she would write 20 plus books, all equally well-respected?

Where do I even begin? I find that my current story does not quite make me excited anymore, but I don't have the heart to scrap it or start something new after all of the effort I've put in. And I don't expect to be a 25 year old great American author. I don't expect to ever be published, but it floats around in my head sometimes.

AND THE OTHER THING- I see my writing as fully formed movies already. I see exactly how I would want the scene to appear as if it were on screen. So how do I translate that to a page? And into something even remotely interesting to anyone else?

I wish I could start and finish something. For once.

Leaving.

I'm so upset with myself for leaving.

Why did I leave behind a thing that made me happy? For the first time in years, for the first time since starting college, I found something that brought me joy and I left it. Because I was weak and homesick. Because I was kind of sad. And now here I am, my heart hurts worse than it ever did before, raw and broken for the wonderful thing I left behind. For the happiness I had and for the emptiness I feel now.

I'm sitting here tonight at the hotel listening to the soundtracks of the nights that made my heart soar. To the words that gave me courage and let me know that I was on to something real. Why would I ever leave that thing?

Mom told me that if I got accepted and went back, that I should just go and not worry about school for a while. That I should follow this thing that made me so passionate and happy. And what did I do? I barely made it the eight months before I came running back. And excuses upon excuses, but I know in my heart that I was scared. That I was lonely.

So I took this thing that was placed before me in almost perfect synchronicity from the Universe and I blew it all away. And who would ever respect a person who moved states THREE times? I fear I could never go back for the silliness of it all, not to mention- could I live with myself if I was working two jobs at 28, one of them being minimum wage at a theme park? I doubt it. My heart is heavy with realization that the perfect timing that was offered to me has vanished. That perhaps for the first time, something is truly irreversible due to my own choices and my pride.

And so what even do I miss? Because there are other things I do want to accomplish in my life. Certainly at some point I could go back if I really wanted, or if I felt like I was still being pulled that way. So what do I miss? It's absolutely the animals. I miss seeing them every day, hearing them and being near to them. I loved them deeply and I do miss their presence and the happiness it brought me to see them. So is that all? I do miss some of the people I met, and I absolutely miss the weather, though it's finally nicer here. And I have such dear friends here, and of course my parents.

So what is more important? The idea that I want to be in Florida and part of something that I think made me so fundamentally happy, or being near to the people who love me unconditionally and finishing a degree that will have taken the better part of a decade by the time I'm done?

Existential Dillemas

Why is it that when you are young, you are unable to experience true physical freedom- without boundaries and consequence, but your mind is completely open to anything and everything, however once you are an adult and are able to be completely physically free, your mind has lost its ability to let go and imagine without borders?

---young: able to be completely mentally open. imaginary friends, new inventions, questions about WHY everything is; unable to experience physical freedom- someone always around to tell them where to go or what they can/can't do, consequences for everything in order to learn the difference between right and wrong, sexuality is not developed

---older: emotional freedom is almost nonexistent; we have learned what can and can't be said aloud, how we are allowed to feel, and what we should do based on "social norms;" no imaginary friends, ideas and feelings/patterns are set; able to be physically free without most consequences and within most contexts; go wherever we want, make our bodies however we want them to look, experience sex in any way that we want to

Is true enlightenment being able to experience both emotional and physical freedom at the same time? What does that look like- running naked in the streets without a care of who sees you, perhaps? Becoming someone who loves who they are and says what they mean without fear of being "set apart" from the pack?

Lonely or Alone

I feel mean lately.
Short-tempered and distant.
I can't bring myself to listen to mundane things that my roommate has to complain about or to pick up the numerous phone calls I've been receiving from someone I have called one of my best friends.
I find it all quite annoying. I don't want to hear about the same problems day in and day out.

So is it stress? Or depression sneaking in again? This is a different face, kind of. I experienced the need for distance last time, but I also craved human interaction. I jumped at the chance for any kind of kindness or shared experience, because most often I was laying in bed alone. But now I am actively shutting myself off, and as bad as that sounds it's not from everyone, just a select few. I miss my mom a lot, I would talk to her and visit her every day if possible. I desperately miss Kelsey and Megan. I would love to have another late-night dish sesh. I really like Emma Louise and Alayna and I would like to spend more time with them. But....my roommate. And Kaylee. I don't want to talk, I don't want to listen, I want to turn them off, and cut them out sometimes.

Some people are just so exhausting to be around. I like Katie, she really is a great friend. I am thankful to have met her last year, she certainly made my program better. However, she talks so much, she is ALWAYS talking, and for someone like me who can only handle so much talking, and who talks ALL DAY, EVERY DAY at work, it's sometimes too much. I don't want to be the person who holes up in my room with my door shut, I want to have it open as a friendly gesture, but I'd really like for her to pick up on my cues that I am uninterested in talking. And Kaylee... it's just exhausting to be a part of the same three conversations as always. She's having boy problems because she was talking to a guy and he ghosted her. She's having boy problems because she's lonely and she isn't dealing with her pain. She works all the time and is so exhausted, but here are the 30 things she did this week. Why am I so annoyed with her? I'm not entirely sure, maybe it's the fact that it's always about her lately. But even the explanatory text I just sent that I don't want to talk (so like, please stop trying to FaceTime me) seemed annoying. Like, just pick up the hint, please. Everyone just leave me the Hell alone. I guess.

I have found that I am more willing to be on my own and less interested in day trips and activities since moving, and especially since the whole Steve thing came to an end. But it's not like I'm even dwelling on that anymore. I go full days at a time before something crosses my mind, and it is more annoying than upsetting. Honestly, two years later, Noah is still bothering me more. And I don't think anything is wrong with me, I think I'm just dealing with a lot and being alone is easier than trying to fake my way through social interactions. Right this second, I feel kind of trapped because I haven't been able to leave my apartment for two days. Thanks Hurricane Irma. So certainly that isn't helping me practice patience, but damn I just want to get in my car and drive away. No idea where I think I want to go, maybe home, back to Iowa. But I feel restless and anxious and annoyed and I just want to be left alone.