To The Man Who Changed Me

Seems like everyone writes one of those letters to the boy who broke their heart or the boy who cheated or the boy who wasn't enough. Well this is my stab at it. This is my open letter to the man who changed me with fire from the inside out.

Dear Man,

You were light. You were joy. You were my everything (mistake number one). Your smile was special for me, your laugh made me feel giddy. Your touch sent electricity through my skin and when you said those three words I felt peace and comfort. You changed me from the very start. You were different and I was just crazy enough to try to keep up. I felt brand new with you, I felt fresh and simple. And oh how I felt beautiful. You did love me better than I could have asked for. For a time.

After a while, I was not myself any longer. I tried so hard to be the person you wanted me to be. I tried every day to be enough, to fill that space in your heart. And I actually think I succeeded for a little while. I think for a small period of time, you let me in and you let your guard down and we worked. But then you expected too much. You expected me to meet the criteria of this invisible list, you wanted me to be more than I was, and there's no way I could ever measure up. You compared me to this checklist day in and day out and eventually I wasn't the girl you loved before- full of life and ideas and hope and love. I was the shell of a person who had emptied their soul to try to fill yours.

I played a part in this too. I allowed you to make me feel as though I was not enough. I looked at you and thought to myself, "Oh he just wants the best for me. He's just pushing me to be the best. He's making me better." But these things weren't true. Had they been true you wouldn't have tired of encouraging me, or spurring me on, or just being there to comfort me. You didn't love me at that time, and I didn't see that. I allowed myself to be blinded by your promises, but as alluring as they were they held no water. Maybe you meant them at one time, but you didn't have the backbone to carry them through. You weren't ready for this relationship.

I gave my heart to you in ways I didn't know were possible. I loved you fully and completely. I'll probably always love you a little, because that's how first loves work right? I gave you a piece of my heart and then some. You took moments from me, you took songs, and places, and people and activities. Everywhere I look I see you and I see us. I see memories made and fun had. I made a mistake in this. I thought that you would hold my heart with gentle hands, that you would guard it and keep it safe. I didn't see that you would put yourself first, that you would consider your own outcomes before my own. I made this mistake and you can be sure I won't make it again.

I recently read about soulmates and how the word does not necessarily mean what we think it means. Some of it seemed a little cheesy to me, but something stuck out- a soulmate will enter your life, connect with you on deeper levels than you thought possible, then break you open so you can see new things in yourself and leave you to rebuild. I thought you were my forever, I thought I could trust you. I think we both were on that same page for a period of time, but it changed as things always do and I watched it slip away. You broke me open, you burned me and changed me from within. And I can see a new and shiny me just below the surface, one that will be forged with fire. It's going to take some hard work, a little muscle, and some pain but I'm going to come out of this stronger and wiser. I'm going to emerge a better version of myself. For that I can thank you, because without the lessons you taught me I would not have the tools necessary to make myself better.

I'm writing as a cathartic experience for myself, but I think in this I can forgive you too. You hurt me, you devastated me. You took several pieces of me that I cannot get back. You lied to me and you moved on from what we had faster than I thought you would. It only took two months, and now I realize you are in fact not the man I once knew. You are not the man that I want to spend my life with. You are not the man I once trusted and loved. But you did make me feel confident in myself, you did bring out a passion in me that desires to push through hard tasks, you did make me more curious, and you did make me want to be a better person and friend.

So I forgive you for breaking me down, because through the smoke and ashes and rubble I'm going to rebuild and be the best version of me yet.

Always,
Me

I Have To Be

I have to be stronger.
I have to be happier.
I have to be more forgiving.
I have to be exciting.
I have to be loving.

I have to be better.

I can't stand the person I become when I'm depressed. I can't look at myself in the mirror because I hate the look in my eyes.

I'm weak, I'm sad, I'm empty when all I want to be is bright eyed and cheerful. I want to leap into his arms, I want to run around the block, I want to accomplish great things and go on great adventures.

I have to be better than this, I can't let this become more than me. I have to pry myself out of this slump and live. Because I hear the whine in my voice and the struggle in his. I can't lose him because I became too involved and too dependant on this feeling of loneliness. It may be easier, it may take less fight and less energy, but I will not become the one who sank. I will not let this consume me. And I will not lose him because I lost myself.

When I look ahead I see bright days. I see rebirth and regrowth. I see joy. I see myself driving down endless highways with the wind in my hair. I see trudging through woods and creeks just to get a little muddy. I see rolling on beaches and jumping in water to enjoy the day that was given to me. I see myself being carefree and alive, not wasting away in a bed or a dark apartment waiting for the sun to set at the end of another day.

I'm tired; exhausted even. But I have to be better. I have to be stronger. I refuse to go down, to let the panic and anxiety and depression get such a hold on my heart that it's all I live in. I will not live in this place my whole life. I will have bad days, but the good have to outweigh them.

This is a fight, a battle. A war within my mind that has to be waged every single day. This is my pep talk to myself, because I'm sick of avoiding my reflection. I want to see myself stand tall, be proud of who I am. I want to take new steps, I want to try new things, I want to see my world for all that it is.

I know that if I sink, if I let this consume me, I'll lose him. I'll lose him and friends and family. I'll lose myself. Because who wants to tell the girl 1000 times over the same thing every day. It's not their work. It's mine. My work is to love myself and let that love be so strong that it pours out onto others. Their work is to do the same for themselves so that when we meet we can love one another so thoroughly that there is no room for error.

I must first love myself so that I may love others. I must rely on me, pick myself up, carry my own weights before I can expect others to help. I have to be better.

These last two years have been hard. Some of the hardest things I'll ever face probably have happened. But I made it through, though not quite unscathed. But the scars and the wear, it makes me stronger and it makes me who I am. I would not have the worldviews or the experience if I had not been through these things. And for that, I have to keep going. I have to push on and be the person I was made to be. I can't sit and let these things destroy me. And I won't. Hard times will come. Bad days will follow. But the good has to outweigh it.

Noah. I will be stronger. I will be here in the present and not focused on the past. I will be forgiving and loving and adventurous and excited. I will be the person I know I am and the person you want to be with. I'm not changing for you, I'm changing for me, because I have to. I have to be better.

My First Real Adult Vacation!

I could live in Duluth.

Yes, I had my doubts, and my very first impression left me a little disappointed- all I saw was an industrial town with scrap yards and quarries. But soon, this city of 86,000 had my heart.

Duluth, Minnesota borders Lake Superior and supplies an absolutely stunning view. From the beaches, the opposite side of the lake is out of sight. The sand is fine and soft and I knew immediately I could spend many days relaxing there. When Noah and I first arrived, we parked the car and walked to the lighthouse. The weather was gorgeous- probably in the 50's and we enjoyed the silence of the lake together and eventually ventured to the beach. We threw some driftwood into the water and (Noah) jumped on some ice. This was also the day that I became a true Duluth-ian when I flung sand into the lake in the traditional fashion. 
  After a couple of hours running around the beach, we checked into our motel- the Downtown Duluth Motel. Not to that say Noah has bad taste, but the outside of this place looked like the setting for one or two shady business deals. However, the room itself was surprisingly nice and we didn't run into any trouble during our stay. That evening, we took a walk through the city and I got the feeling I was walking in downtown Des Moines. Buildings stood tall on either side of me and a few shops filled the corners. It felt like home for me! When we crossed over the interstate into "tourist country" I suddenly felt as though I was on Main Street Ames and this was when I really fell in love. Duluth somehow had managed to combine my beach-town-dream-home, the comforts of a small town , and the familiar big city feel. The main strip was home to several beautiful lakeside hotels, some trinket shops, some bars, and a few restaurants- including Famous Dave's, so you know I'm down! We walked around for a while and finally decided that we should stop in at the Canal Park Brewing Company. Noah enjoyed the Nut Hatchet- 3rd place winner in the 2014 World Beer Cup, and I had a brew with a name nearly unpronounceable: the Neoprenanzug Malfunction. It was a German wheat beer. Anyone who's curious about some local brews should definitely check out the CPBC if they find themselves in the area! On our way back, we even snuck into the Inn on Lake Superior to have a few s'mores- don't worry folks. We paid to sleep there the next night, we were really only borrowing in advance!

The next morning we found ourselves facing a snow storm- huge, giant snowflakes were falling from the sky, creating a beautiful scene over the city and the lake. However, your truly was not too excited for this turn in weather. Noah however was ecstatic, and he decided this would be the proper time to take me to Chester's Bowl- a ski resort in the winter that turns into quite the trek when closed. Let me tell you, climbing a ski hill is more challenging than it looks, and yes, I'm being a baby about this. But the view from the top and moment of silence we enjoyed was worth it. It was still lightly snowing, so we couldn't see far, but up almost above the tree line was a pretty cool place to be standing. If it had been more clear, I'm pretty sure the lake would have been visible. We ate a picnic lunch in the car and took the scenic route- Skyline Highway back into town. The highway took us through the hills and around some very scenic outlooks that reminded me of my trip to Colorado- only instead of mountainous valleys, there were lots of homes. Still, a very beautiful afternoon, and afterwards we checked into the Inn. This place was gorgeous and I am absolutely thankful for the money Noah spent to stay there. The Inn features a rooftop heated pool which we definitely took advantage of later that night- man was it hard to get out! 

Noah and I were both fairly tired by this point in our trip- we had spent most of our time outside wandering around, so we decided a trip to the beach to watch the sunset would be a perfect way to relax before heading in for the night. So out we went, at about 6:00. We had about an hour of good daylight left and he wanted to take me to Park Point, a place he remembered from previous family vacations. We tried searching the internet, but couldn't quite find the place, so we decided to just drive in the general direction. At one point, Noah decided to turn off onto a residential road, which we discovered only had two or three houses on either side. The road ended in a dead-end sand pit: can you see where this is going? We were doing fine but then we slowed down and as the front end dug deeper and we lost traction, we both knew we had made a huge mistake. A couple of back and forth maneuvers and we were stuck fast. We learned quickly that snow and sand are two completely different things to remove a car from. We dug for about 30 minutes before we decided it was time to ask for help from the neighbors. We struck out immediately, and for his part, Noah remained optimistic. I have to take a moment here to say that I am very proud of the way Noah handled me and the entire situation. Though he had just as much of a clue as I did on how to get us out, he was calm, cool, and collected. When I entered meltdown mode, he took my hands and let me sit in the car to breathe it out. He never once snapped at me and as much as I'm sure he was anxious, he kept a good face. We eventually did get the attention of an area resident who, without his help, I'm sure we would still be stuck. Although David gave me the feeling he might in fact be a murderer, he supplied us with some carpet, pine branches, and cardboard that eventually got us out of the pit. Two and a half hours later, having completely missed our sunset, we parked the car on safe pavement and walked over the small hill keeping us from the lake at the end of 22nd Street. We sat on the beach and watched the water, exhausted from the digging and thankful we weren't kidnapped and locked in David's basement...or maybe that last part was just me. When we made it back to the hotel, we rinsed off the sand and spent a couple of well deserved hours in the sauna and heated pool. At 10 o'clock we ordered Domino's pizza for dinner, and let me tell you, that was the best damn delivery pizza I've ever had. We definitely slept well that night, and not just because of the king size bed.

On Monday morning Noah had scheduled a tour with the Altec plant there in town. Altec is the company he has a current internship at, and he has a pretty good shot at getting a  job offer next Spring. We toured the facility early that morning- which went very well- and even found an old railroad bridge to climb around on afterwards. Since we had checked out of the hotel, we decided to try our luck at Park Point again. This time we found it, and we spent a couple hours running around, playing in the water, jumping on ice floats, and getting covered in sand. Again the weather was perfect, but we had one more thing on our vacation wish list to accomplish. We headed to Goodwill and each found ridiculous shirts, then made our way back to the beach to literally roll around in the sand. We wanted memories made in these shirts, so any time we wear them, we think of that time. This was Noah's idea, and I don't know about you, but I thought it was pretty sweet. We left Duluth that afternoon, right as it started to rain. We probably couldn't have planned it better if we tried.

Of course we spent time just laying around in the hotel, doing nothing, it was vacation after all, but Noah and I share at least one thing in common: we like to be adventurous. We spent so much time outside and I know we didn't even scratch the surface of all the nooks and crannies to explore. We walked along the boardwalk one evening, and one afternoon we just drove around the neighborhoods pointing out houses we'd like to live in. We found a thrift shop and fantastic bakery hidden among the houses, and there's even and Electric Fetus in town!

Despite the fact the Duluth is seated in Northern Minnesota, I know I could live there. I'm not sure how I know, but the place felt like a home to me almost immediately. I could see myself walking through the city, or driving in the hills on a fall day taking in the scenery, or relaxing on the beach on a summer afternoon. Something about the atmosphere called to me more than anything, and above all, I loved it apart from Noah. Being there with him was amazing and I can see our lives there, but it wasn't his company that made my decision. I loved Duluth for my own reasons and I absolutely can't wait to go back.

Drama Queen

I look very tired today. I look worn and almost aged. I just stood and looked at myself in the mirror for 5 minutes and I couldn't really see past the bags beneath my eyes and the sad excuse for a smile. I feel exhausted and burnt out. How do I end up here? What choices are made, what events happen to get me to the spot where I feel so empty. 

I'm bored and restless. I want adventure and excitement. I want newness. I want to travel, run away, explore, create. And yet all at the same time I have no energy or motivation. I don't even know where I would begin. I have friends going on great adventures for spring break, I have friends planning great adventures for summer. I feel perpetually stuck in one place and one time. And I know that's my fault. If I want to make it happen, I have to DO. Wasn't that even one of my New Years "resolutions," to act and do and become, rather than just hope and dream? It's March and I don't know if I've made any progress.

I know it's been 3 months and I haven't made much difference in my healthy lifestyle. Noah looks amazing and he has drive and determination and I have none of that. Seeing him makes me feel worse about myself, it doesn't spur me on. What's wrong with me? Where is my drive to start projects, to try something new, to be better every single day? Why am I lacking that very essential skill set? Why would I rather sit in self pity than take the next step and DO SOMETHING?

I just don't get it. Maybe it's my depression stuff. Maybe that's what keeps me down. I'd sure like to see if in 3 weeks I feel any more motivated or confident or anything because of the medicine. My dad says it just takes the edge off, but I want change. I want to be different. Why aren't I different? Why, not matter how much I want it, can I not make myself be the person I want to be? 

These Halleujahs

I'm not who I am today. I know that doesn't make sense. I don't feel right in my own skin. I feel like someone different looking in, as if I can see my true self and it's not comforting. I don't like what I see today.

I see someone who is lazy and unmotivated. Someone who has dreams and aspirations but no real plans or means to reach them. I see someone stuck in bad habits and negative attitudes. I see someone who is restless for change, but not exactly sure where the change should come from. I look in the mirror and I don't recognize who I see. I see someone who has darkness in her eyes. It scares me.

I'm not good at being alone. Nights are the worst. My thoughts catch up to me and I don't know how to deal with them or drown them out. I think I used to be okay at being alone; I think I used to make it work. I don't know what I feel but I know it's not content.

Is this the depression again? This is similar to how I felt before. The unrest and emptiness. I don't want to feel this way and I don't want to be that person again. Maybe it's time to talk to my doctor. I'm still so scared to become reliant on some medicine. Why can't I help myself? I should be able to fix it on my own. I don't want to be another name on a list of young adults that take medication for depression when all it really turns out to be is school stress or something temporary.

I want to leave and I want to stay. I want to be on my own and I want the company. I want new and yet I'm afraid of change. I cannot actually contain all of these contradictory emotions. Little by little they're leaking out of me. I feel on the edge of exploding today. My head is so full and my heart is so heavy.

You'll Think of Me

The past couple days it seems like I've caught a glimpse of myself as a girlfriend from the outside and it makes me angry. 

I feel lost and inadequate. I feel foolish. None of those things are from anything Noah has done. It's because I don't know how to handle situations. I feel too needy. I feel like I should be floating through this period of time totally fine and like it's wrong that I'm still sad. 

I kind of hate that it's easy for him. And I know that's awful, but the fact that he has new things to do and look forward to and I'm still just sitting here...I don't know. This is a rambling post. I'm not making much sense.

The other thing not helping is that I've lost my motivation to work out and I feel gross. I know Noah is going to look great and that adds to the feelings of inadequacy. He deserves someone who's going to look great and care for their body.

I'm not feeling body or mind positive the past few days. I've been very hard on myself and it's making me sad.

Dreams

I know this is probably one of those things that's going to sound crazy to everyone except me. I can't really explain it, but I have this feeling that Tiger and a couple of my previous pets have said goodbye to me in my dreams- I even had one about my grandma once. Maybe it's my subconscious putting together little snippets because I miss them, I'm not really sure. But I do know that other people have had these types of dreams as well. It's not completely unheard of and I'm not so sure it's out of the realm of possibility.

Last night, I was standing at the kitchen counter where Tiger's water bowl sits and Lily, our other cat was eating out of the dish. Tiger kind of just appeared next to her, and in part of my brain I knew it couldn't be happening because I realized that he wasn't around anymore. I had this thought that "oh, this must be Tiger's spirit still hanging around." He walked up to me and rubbed his head on my hand and against my chest and I reached out to pet him. The whole dream only lasted what seemed like a few moments, and soon it all faded away, but it left me feeling comforted. Like I had had one last chance to say goodbye to my boy and like he was saying goodbye to me.

With my first family pet Sandy, I dreamed that she came through my parents headboard and nuzzled my cheek and licked my face before running back to where she had come from. My grandmother hugged me and I swear to you I could feel her in my arms and I could smell her when I woke up. I could almost hear her voice the rest of that day. My roommate Kelsey shared with me that she had a similar dream about her own grandmother, and when Kelsey's mom was pregnant with her, Paula dreamed of her deceased father.

I already believe in something unknown, so what's so far fetched about this? I know it seems goofy and ridiculous, and maybe it is. But perhaps our dreams are not always random collections from the memory. For me, that thought is more reassuring.