Okay friends, prepare for a long post. I've got a lot on my mind and I want to make sure it all gets down today before it slips away.
First of all, I want to take a moment to recognize that I posted something- whether small or profound- every month last year except for in October. 11/12 months is a major win for me. This blog is actually becoming what I intended for it to be- a place to explore and document my life. How big of a blessing is that?
Also, since it doesn't seem to fit well anywhere else I want to mention the friends that I saw get married this year: Abigail and Brandon and Alyssa and David. Both weddings were equally beautiful and special. At each one I can recall a moment where I looked at the bride and saw how beautiful she was, how she was the center of attention- just as she should be. I saw loving glances pass between the couples and I saw lives expand before me.
To all of you: you each mean so much to me. You have been instrumental in my growth and my faith and your happiness together brings me joy. I cannot wait to see the great things your marriages will accomplish through God.
So much happened in 2014 that I'm not sure one post would do any of it justice, but I want this to be a "putting to bed" of sorts for the negative, and a rebirthing for the positive. What happened has happened already and good or bad- it cannot be altered, reversed, or relived. In 2015 I want to learn to live in the current moments and appreciate them as they come. I learned a lot about myself in 2014, but sitting here just on the edge of this new year, I feel a bubbling inside of me. An untapped source of love for myself and others is waiting to be released, a spout that is just begging to be opened. So let's review, and then let's look forward to all of the beautiful days ahead.
Last January I was living in Friley and I was about to start my first semester as an Animal Ecology major. I thought I had finally figured it out. I was entirely ready to work my ass off and get through the course work. I knew that it wouldn't come easy to me but I felt passionate about something for the first time in so long that all I wanted to do was try my best. Through February of 2014 I continued in my school work. I struggled against the current, I failed tests, I missed homework assignments, and I became increasingly depressed. I continued to turn to boys for attention and alcohol for comfort. I struggled with my faith and what any of it meant. Finally, when getting out of bed every morning became an accomplishment and I would find myself dragging through each day with just enough energy left over to fall into bed, I sought help. I reached out to the counseling services on campus in the last week of February. While the course work didn't get easier, the depression and sense of being lost did. Through the first week of May I saw a counselor once a week and I faced my depression head on. I came to terms with it, as well as how far I had walked from God. I wrestled with myself, but despite the end of the semester not being what I had wished for, I ended on a higher personal note. I moved home in the second week of May and away from the toxicity I had met there. Don't get me wrong- I have plenty of great memories from my time in Friley, but more often than not I would end my nights feeling unfulfilled and disappointed in myself. It was a time of discovery, something that I will not regret. Also in January, I started my job at HyVee, and in May I transferred down to a store in Des Moines for the summer.
The summer was supposed to be a respite. I wanted so badly to find myself back on track- to go back to Grace and find my family, to seek God with fervor, to feel refreshed and encouraged. Before the end of the school year I had changed back to Child, Adult, and Family Services and I wanted to get my head in the right place for that change. May passed, and so did June. In July, a shift occurred that rocked my family to its core: my mother had cheated on my father. Never in 1,000 years would I have guessed this would happen, and I didn't know what to do with any of the information I was given. It all came down so quickly, and the progress I felt I had been making with my depression seemed to dissolve before me. Every day was a challenge to get through.
At the end of July, I left with a crew of 12 others to work on RAGBRAI. That week was probably the highlight of my summer. The constant work left no room to think about what was going on at home, and it acted as a vacation. Going home from that week was so unbelievably hard, made harder by the fact that I learned that my mother had moved out while I was away. The days that followed were empty and strange, I didn't know how to act or behave in my own house. At some point, I moved a large portion of my things up to my new apartment in Ames, an adventure in itself to be sure. The Iowa State Fair came as a relief and working 8-4 became the best part of my days. Going home was a dark cloud, something I desperately wanted to avoid. During this window of a few weeks I had a couple of flings. One with a boy who gave me my first kiss, and one with a boy who I told everything to. While they both gave me some kind of distraction, I knew in my heart that neither were going to work out. Not only was the chemistry not there, but my heart was in no place to commit; I could barely care for myself. When the fair ended, I only had a couple days until I moved up to Ames for the new school year and I absolutely could not wait to be gone.
With the start of the Fall semester came a rekindled sense of excitement. I'm not sure what extinguished the flame, but not two weeks into school and I was already struggling to get to class and complete classwork. I started seeing a counselor right away, but for some reason, it just didn't seem to be clicking into place as it had before. The only upside it seemed was that being away from home was doing exactly what I had hoped- I wasn't thinking about my parents and it wasn't keeping be down. September came and it seemed like a light was finally at the end of the tunnel; I couldn't quite figure out what had made it appear, but something was just out of reach. I was in a better place personally, it was just school that held no real interest for me. I began to explore my options seriously and discovered that withdrawal from the university was a completely viable option.
It was around this time that my life changed and I met the man that I now get to call my boyfriend. September 23rd (yeah, I know the date) I sat next to a guy on the bus and he made fun of me for having a sandwich from Jeff's Pizza. A week later we had our first date, and four weeks after that we were "Facebook official"- not that that defined the relationship. We both knew before that Sunday that we were in it together. Three weeks ago I met his parents and stayed with him in Minnesota for a weekend, and two days ago I helped move him down to Missouri for six months for an amazing co-op
.
Noah, I couldn't be more happy and blessed to have you in my life. Every single day with you has been better than the last. I cannot quite comprehend how a chance encounter has led to so many amazing things, and I'm not sure I ever will. What I do know is that I love you with all of my heart. You give me joy and you lift me up. You deal with my crazy and you are probably just as weird as I am. I've mentioned it before, but I sincerely believe that you were the final push I needed to get out of the tunnel I was in. You have taught me so much- how to build a positive foundation, how to love myself, how to be open-minded, and how to explore. I know I have a lot of work to do before I'm great at some of those things- old habits die hard, you know- but I know that you will be there to encourage me every step of the way. Those promises I made you I intend to keep- all day, every day.
In mid-October I officially withdrew from the university and started to work exclusively at HyVee. I was trained in a new department (customer service) and even received a raise. I continued to date Noah and everything honestly seemed to have fallen into place. It was as if a literal weight had been lifted from my shoulders. The depression receded and I became happy- genuinely completely happy. It had been so long that I actually didn't know what to do with the emotion. For the first time in so long, when people would ask how I was, I would answer with "I'm really good," instead of "I'm alright" or "I'm okay" and it would be the honest to goodness truth.
2014 ended on a high note, something that I didn't quite expect. Going into the year, I was coming from a dark place and I didn't think things would improve- how I've been proven wrong. Yes, a lot of shitty things happened this year. More things that I would have cared for; but I came through the other side stronger for every single one. I have genuine high hopes for 2015 that it will be a year of great strength and growth, a year to be reflected on next January that makes me say "Wow. Now look at that, look at what I did. Look what God did. See how things can change if you just hang in there."
So what's on the docket for 2015 you ask? Well here goes, the classic and cheesy New Year's resolutions list:
1- More self-positivity; less self-degradation: I have a terrible habit of putting myself down, whether I'm the butt of a joke or I'm actually hating on myself. I've made a promise to stop the negative comments; they don't help anyone.
2- Healthy lifestyle: A classic, and for a reason. I have someone I want to look good for, but I want to look good for myself too. I want to look in the mirror and love me for me, and know that I'm taking care of my body. Positive thoughts and healthy living will get me there.
3- Silver linings abound: This year may not be starting off exactly how I would have wished and it certainly will come with it's struggles, but the path I'm on is laid out ahead of me. To make the most of this year, I have to work hard. It may be hard and strange, but I have to make every moment and opportunity count for something; a promise I made and promise I'll keep.
4- Work hard to play hard: I have a lot of things that interest me and I have a lot of things I'd love to do and places I'd love to visit. This is going to be the year that I hone my determination. No longer will I sit and wish, I will move and do. I will achieve. I certainly don't expect it all to happen in the next 12 months, but I will definitely be laying the ground work.
5- Love fiercely: I have learned the hard way that the ones you love disappoint you, and that love between people is fragile. But I have also learned that not enough of it exists to begin with. I want to show love, give love, and be love. I want to be that character of Christ. I want to forgive, be generous, and reach out to those I've been far from. I won't let anymore time slip away from me.
Each one of these is going to take my entire concentration and heart; my determination and my soul. But I want to pour into myself and others this year. I want to make an impact and I want to build the proper foundations for a bountiful life. I've seen the dark, and I know how sickly sweet it is. I want to seek light and life, and to cast that Black Dog aside.
This year is a new leaf, a new life, a new era for me. This will be the year that I took my life by the reigns and experienced it fully. I'm 21 and I will not let 2015 become a waste; I will not let the next six months be a pity party; I will not let my faith sit on the back burners. This is the year that I step into who I am and mold who I'll become.
