Little Talks

So here I am at 11:30 on a Sunday night, two weeks before the end of the semester trying to figure out if I can possibly pay off my U-Bill so I can schedule for classes in the Spring. That sounds about right, hmm?

It's my downfall. It's the thing that kills me every time. I procrastinate, I push it off. I forget and pretend the thing isn't ever-lingering. I have this problem where I wait until the last possible moment to try to fix a problem and then I get frustrated when it doesn't turn out how I wanted.

I'm preparing to hear from my advisor that there's nothing to be done. That I have to sit out this extra semester. Three weeks ago that was fine with me. I was okay with taking the time off. Now, though, I feel anxious. Noah has asked me to talk to Pat and to visit the financial aid office, and now that that little idea is in my head, that maybe I wouldn't have to wait out a whole semester because of my financial aid being adjusted, I can't stop thinking about being back on campus. I'm so ready to go back and I didn't really realize it until this idea was planted. The time off has been great- it's been exactly what I needed. I have needed this time to get my head straight. To take care of myself, to work a little, and to just enjoy some free time. But it's time that I go back. I don't want to sit here waiting anymore. I don't want to feel like I don't have a purpose, like I'm just screwing around while everyone else is working towards something.

I'm worried that Noah has seen this in me. I'm worried that he has all of these plans to go abroad and to live and to explore- not because I could lose him. No. I want him to do those things. Honestly and truly, I want him to have those amazing experiences. I read a quote a few days ago that kind of hit me. It talked about dreams, and how there are people who will talk about their dreams and make 'inspiration boards', and then there are people who work for their dreams day in and day out. Can you guess which people reach their goals? What scares me is that I am the former and Noah is the latter. I talk and I dream, but I don't achieve. He has achieved so much already and I know he's going to do and see great things. I love him, but I'm so scared that I won't be able to keep up. I'm even more afraid that he's going to realize the person I am and leave me behind.

Anyway, I don't know what news the next few days will bring but I guess I'm preparing for disappointment because of my actions rather than a strike of luck. Whatever happens, happens. If I have to sit out a whole extra semester, there has to be a reason, or I'll find it. I can't sit and mope. One thing is for sure, 6 months without Noah would be easier to deal with if I had school to keep me busy. But that's not the driving force here- the point is to set my goals and work towards them. Not talk about them, not make pretty pictures to "inspire" me. To make real attainable goals that can be accomplished and to get one step closer to realizing those dreams little by little.

I started this post feeling sucky, and to be honest, I don't feel all that better. But I do feel a little more encouraged than before and I want to make a list, a list of dreams and goals. That post will follow soon.

Small Windows

I wonder, what do the neighbors see when they look in our small windows? Do they see the pain, and the hurt? The loss? Do they notice that your car hasn't been in the driveway for 4 months? Do they realize what happened here? Can they guess?

Were they around when you came and moved your stuff out? Have they noticed that the house stays quiet for the most part because only one person lives here now?

When I look out of our windows and look into their lives, I don't notice much difference. I don't even know their names. Maybe it's because I'm not here anymore, I'm not sure. But it does make me wonder if I'm the least attentive in this place. If the neighbors see us and feel sorry for us, or if they just look the other way.

Today

All I want today is to let that black dog in. I don't know why, but all I want is to let the darkness wash over me, to let it take over. It's almost as if I've been missing it. I think I'll stay at the apartment tonight, I'm not ready to go home. I just can't do it.

Scheduling

See, this is what stresses me out. I've spent the last hour and half looking at what classes I still need to take to finish a degree in social work. I've made a nice little organized list and I've put the groups all together. Neat. Then I start to actually plan how the following semesters would look, and I quickly lose my nerve.

I've really been thinking about what Noah told me the other day, about just finishing. Just getting a degree in something so that I'm not limited. I had heard that how many times before I took my semester off? It might be odd that it's just now resonating with me, but maybe I just needed to be in a different mindset. Regardless of the reason, it's been on my mind. So tonight, I got the urge to pull up my degree audit and see where I stand. You know, it's only intimidating when I write it down in front of me. When the red and blue categories look back at me from the computer screen, I find myself to be much more content.

Organizing and categorizing was fun, and I was on a roll. I got excited looking at class descriptions and imagining being back in class again. How terrible is it that I almost wish I had homework to do right now? As soon as I started putting classes into semesters and trying to make them fit, I became frustrated and overwhelmed. I became anxious at the idea of being here for another two years- which is about equal to the two summer sessions and the real three full semesters I'll have to take at this point. I'm suddenly angry at myself for taking this time off.

What was I thinking? 

When did I decide it would be a good idea to set myself back even more? I'm not sure that I quite regret taking the time off at this point, but maybe I'm not as happy with it anymore. I feel like this decision is weighing so heavily on my shoulders: do I go back or not? A month ago I felt as though I was finally out from under all of this, and now here it is again. Only this time, it's bigger. It seems like life and death. It's not just me anymore, floating through the void and waiting for opportunities to show up on my doorstep. I have to start planning and thinking of the future in serious ways.

So okay, why don't I want to be here? What is it about two more years that terrifies me and stresses me out?

At the top of the list would be the financial burden that two more years would bring, but if I'm being honest, I think that even above that is the question of what will happen to Noah and I? He's set to graduate at the end of the next school year, so what happens when I still have a summer and a semester to go- at least? What happens when he gets a job offer several states away and I have to finish school here? That's something that worries me very much, because even though we've had the conversations and we're on the same page, nothing is set in stone. Things change and stuff happens.

I'm sitting here nervous and frustrated and worried, and all I want, all I've ever wanted from this situation is to be more content and more at ease.

A Change is Gonna Come

Noah said something to me today that maybe I didn't really want to hear at the time, but the more that I think on it, the more I realize he has a point. 

I took the remainder of Fall semester off from school. I withdrew from the university and it's been a huge help. I'm not sure if I could have pulled through everything with the grades that I would have needed or feeling good about myself and the work that I have done. So today, Noah asked me what my goals were for a month from now, and I didn't have an answer. For so long, two and a half years, every semester has been about figuring out what I want or need to do with my life, and finally I have a moment to just live right now. I don't have to plan ahead, I can just work five days a week and take whatever is thrown at me in stride. But then, not having an answer worried me a little too- and made me feel slightly foolish. If I don't have goals, what is the purpose here? Why did I take a half semester and possibly a whole one to follow if I don't have goals to pursue?

Then he said the thing. And in the moment, I heard him and I was a little disappointed. He said to me "I want for you to go to school and get a degree, so that if something happens and we have to move, you have options other than just at HyVee." And for half a second, I thought "Hey. That's not fair. No one gets to tell me how to be prepared or be happy." But then the idea of not being happy and not being prepared got to me, and I started to wonder- what if I never figure it out? That's when he said the second thing. He told me that what makes you happy is what comes later. Right now, the goal is to get a job. Just push through, get it done. What you do from 9-5 is not what has to make your life whole. He mentioned that I want to be a mom, and that is what will fulfill me, but before that, I have to be ready to roll with the punches.

So at that time I was just nodding along and thinking "yeah yeah, says everyone else," but now that that has been stirring in my head all day, I wonder. And he might have a point. I am mildly interested in CAFS, and I have nearly the entire major completed. Why would I start over now? Why would I spend the money and time when I could just push through and finish this time in my life? 

College isn't for everyone, but one thing that I disagreed with Noah on was this- he said that no one likes going to class or doing the homework, but it's something that just has to be done. But I do. And I did! I liked to learn the material, and sure homework and tests weren't fun, but I enjoyed learning. I'm starting to think that this break will be what I need to recharge and power through my remaining year. I have only ever wanted to enjoy school, and I think I can do that. 

The pieces fell into place before, and they will again. I will end up exactly where I'm supposed to be, when I'm supposed to be there. I certainly have to believe that, after everything.

Noah

"You got a sandwich....from Jeff's Pizza?" 

Six weeks ago, I was riding a bus home that I normally wouldn't be riding, and on that bus, I met a guy that I otherwise wouldn't have sat next to. I was on campus eating dinner with a girl from my sorority and he was coming back from the career fair. The small details are what make this story- to me anyway. Five minutes earlier and I would have caught the right bus, and I would have passed by this guy and probably never have known him. On a campus of 32,000 people it still amazes me that I can recognize faces of people that I don't know the names of, and probably never will, but I can sit next to one person on a random bus and be completely changed. In the five minutes that we had on that bus ride, Noah and I joked about pizza and chatted about our majors. Before he got off at his stop, he reached into his bag and pulled out a business card that he had been using at the career fair. "You should give me a call sometime," he said with a sweet smile and then he disappeared. I have since learned that he was pretty nervous making that move and he didn't expect to hear from me at all. I'm so glad I proved him wrong.

Noah is a senior in Electrical Engineering with a year left to go. He is from Roseville, Minnesota which is very close to the Twin Cities. He has a younger brother, Jonah, and he used to swim competitively. Recently he got a really amazing co-op with a company in St. Joseph, Missouri which is where he'll be spending six months starting in January. Noah likes to cook and experiment with things, trying to figure out how they work. He is also the optimal height for hugs and hand holding and he is the perfect mix of muscle and teddy bear- though he doesn't quite appreciate that description.

On our first date, we made mozzarella cheese together. Yep, that's right. Pretty adorable right? On our second date, we went star gazing for 2 hours. Recently, I volunteered with him and a club that he's president of. Next week, he's going to prom with me- that'll be another post I'm sure.

It's amazing to me how much can happen and change in a month and half.

Noah is a gift, a blessing. There's not a doubt in my mind. When I'm with him, I feel content. I don't feel guilty or apprehensive. He listens to me and he is genuine with his words. He is willing to wait for me, and that's amazing. For 12 months I've been on a hard, dark, lonely path and in the last six weeks I have made some major life decisions that have shown me a light at the end of the tunnel for the first time in so long. I have withdrawn from Iowa State for the remainder of the semester and I might take all of Spring semester off. I am working almost full time at HyVee and I am working on sorting out career options for myself. I want to be happy with my life, and if that means not going back to school, I need to know what it does mean. I had to go early alum with Phi Beta Chi, and while I love my sisters to no end, it's been so nice to have a little breathing room. I started a Bible study with Abby and for the first time in so long I can almost see how all of this will work towards making me a better woman. I started dating Noah, and I'm so happy with him. Really, actually happy.

All of these choices, they have been weights lifted from my shoulders. It's almost surreal; I have felt real happiness in these last few weeks and it's been so long since I've felt this way that I almost don't even know what to do with myself. Here's what I do know though:
I do know that the choices I am making are good ones.
I do know that I like Noah and that he likes me.
I do know that the way he talks makes me think he wants this to last, and I do too.

I do know that I'm joyful, and that is something worth holding on to.

Your Albatross

Two weeks ago I went down to Des Moines for the Petersen wedding. On that Friday, I went to Lasting Impressions down in the East Village and I got this guy done. It's an albatross and it has a pretty significant story to it.

There's a phrase that says "there's an albatross around your neck" and it means that you carry all of your regrets and worries and everything else with you to the point where it weighs you down. The albatross is often depicted to be dead, and so if you think about it, you're carrying this dead weight around your neck, and for what purpose? So then there's this song, this amazing song that speaks to my heart. You've probably heard of Bastille, they sing a very popular song on the radio called Pompeii. Just as a shameless plug here, the album that these two songs come off of- Bad Blood- it's fabulous. I highly recommend it. So the song- it's called The Weight of Living (pt.1) and the whole point of this song it to talk about letting go of your albatross. Within the first few lines it says "Can you carry it with no regrets? Can you stand the person, you've become?" and that always hits me. Because no, I can't. I can't carry this weight with me and I can't stand the person I've become. I'm so ashamed and embarrassed of myself on a daily basis. Later in the song a phrase is repeated, "it's the sun in your eyes," and this part means a couple things for me. In the middle of my depression, on my darkest days, when I literally step outside and see the sun, my spirits are lifted. I am reminded that life goes on, that the sun will still shine. But the song talks about letting go and earlier in the verse it says "though it's soaring still above your head, it is out of sight and none shall see." So you're letting this bird go, and though it still flies above you, it's out of sight and out of mind. But then you start searching for it in the sky.I don't know how many people with depression find it as easy as I do to run back to it. When days are hard, I want so badly to just fall into the unfeeling black hole. There are days when I search it out because sometimes it's easier to feel blah and float through days than to fight every step of the way to be positive and happy. So I see it as this- you let your bird go, but you miss it on some level. So you're searching, searching, but all that you see is the sun. And the sun reminds you that life goes on. That things will be okay. That it is alright to let the albatross go. And that's why I got this guy on my arm. He's somewhere that I can see him every single day and he reminds me to let it go (not a Frozen reference). He reminds me that it's okay to shed the weight.

"When you just can't stand the heavy weight of living..."